Iyer Studies...

Avataar - The Revenge

2009-12-29T18:09:00.002+05:30

The Na'vis from Avatar are here in retaliation to what the humans did to Pandora....

I have personally seen them around here and they have decided to capture one part of Mumbai...

... not very surprisingly they have decided to call it Na'vi Mumbai

Somebody help... (the author)

adios...

IPL 3.0

2009-05-12T16:52:00.018+05:30

IPL 2.0 is being termed as a wash out... both literally and figuratively... yeah seriously... what else can you say about (1)the empty stands that never are shown on camera... (2)Lalit Moti trying his level best to socialize with a group of young women... and (3)Shilpa & Shamita Shetty (yeah we figured we keep the worst for the last)...

Having said that IPL's tour of South Africa has been a dismal failure, our consulting organization has taken Lalit Modi into custody (we havent arrested him for any wrong doings with the ladies above or Shahrukh khan for that matter) and given him some great tips about how to go about conducting IPL 3.0

Here are the excerpts of the clandestine document that we plan to forward to Lalit Modi...

1. John Buchanan, Sreesanth & Harbhajan Singh to be promoted from the post of players to cheer leaders. This has been done keeping in mind the impressive "uchal kood" that they have been doing in IPL 2.0

2. With the highly paid big guns (read Kevin Pietersen & Freddy Flintoff) turning into water pistols, we recommend cost cutting measures like VVS Laxman, Wasim Jaffer, Mohd Kaif, Aakash Chopra & Sanjay Bangar to be brought back to IPL 3.0. To counter the slack in speed of scoring we'd hire 2 year olds to bowl to them (and hope that they have a good strike rate... the batsmen we mean)

3. KKR owner Shahrukh Khan to bury hatchet with Bhuvan (Aamir Khan) and have him play for KKR as the opening Batsman and Captain (probably the only one) to try and reverse some fortunes for the team. If everything fails, then KKR owner needs to go back to the drawing board and revise the "Sattar Minute" dialogues (from Chak De India) and pep up the team with them.

4. Rajasthan Royals to rename their team name to Rajasthan Royal Chuckers. Every good performing bowler they seem to bring in seems to be having a problem with the 15 degree bend while bowling. They should bring in Lasith Malinga into the team and see if the jinx continues or not. (Are we the only people who suspect Lasith's action?)

5. Make sure this new government lasts for the entire term by donating generous funds to their "good cause". This will ensure no elections atleast for the next 4-5 years and thereby having the IPL in India in Hot, Sticky and Non-Washout conditions... (The generous funds would flow from BCCI [Sharad Pawar] to Congress/NCP [Sharad Pawar])

6. Try and rename this to something eye-catching and interesting like 'Iyer's Premier League' or 'Iyers Premier League' (See there are two options.. with and without the apostrophe)

adios...

On a completely different note, the best thing about IPL 2.0 is the zoozoos campaign.. If you haven't seen any one of the ads on TV... you better catch it on YouTube or some other place... The campaign is simple yet super-fabulous.

Raging Superstar...

2009-03-11T18:26:00.005+05:30

We were reading news the other day... (Generally we follow Satyam since we are a super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super minor shareholder of this scrip).. but this news was about Bollywood... our long lost love Bollywood...

This news article carried the news about the new Hrithik-Look-And-Dance-And-Sound-Alike guy Harman Baweja and the spelling used for him was Hurman Baweja... at first we thought this was a typo... but we later found that this guy had actually changed his name...

But we tell you what... his fortune didn't change... Victory was super-ultra-duper flop... and his name change didn't work for him... and he will be continue to be a flop until he listens to us and our deep & profound studies...

Our Studies suggest that if he has to become a "RAGING" superstar... he should change his name to... HORMONE BAWEJA...

That way he also gets a lot of bong ladiej fan following (Since Harman becomes Hormone.. in bong)

See the change...

2009-03-07T18:39:00.006+05:30

***Who moved my cheese? It doesn't matter... its gone sour anyways... ***

Who moved my cheese talks about change and all things related to change. We managed to move our cheese and change somethings around here... look around...

Yeah the only thing that's changed is our title... and the tag line... and if you think this is some kind of cheap publicity to the new title & tag line.... you cannot be anymore right...

Why Iyer Studies?

All economies are in a very bad state
Job losses galore... people are laid off and no new jobs to take
Bench Strength is beginning to trim... and the ones on them are being "re-skilled"

Who said we didn't see it coming... all of these guys are moving to pursue higher (Iyer) studies... We are back in demand baby...

In addition to all of the above issues, the current and the future trend also seems that nobody is ever going to be satisfied with a simple bachelor's degree... so in effect every body , except babies of the age group 1-3 months, wants to pursue Higher(Iyer) Studies...

And we will provide them just that...

Eye Opening Facts...

2009-02-18T01:05:00.002+05:30

We went on this place for work for a couple of weeks and we had great amount of eye opening experiences in our life... It opened our eyes so much that we are sitting here in the middle of the night trying to type some non-sense into our dormant blog... Some other people might want to call it jet lag, but you don't believe them...

Anyways, since the place was international, the eye-opening experiences too are... and we were just waiting for the right time for Iyerospace to go global... you know with recession and all... with costs coming down... we thought this is just the right time to sneak in a bad post... with so much bad stuff happening around this world... nobody might notice this... so here goes nothing...

You know the Mexicans... they have stolen the language from us Indians... our eye opening experiences and subsequent research tells us just that... Some guy told me that the Mexicans pronounce all their 'L' as 'Y' which brought all our pronunciations of the Mexican delicacies to earth... but then the positive side of it was we discovered how the Mexicans slowly but steadily stole our local language and disguised them by replacing the spellings and finally changed the pronunciations on our 'Y' with their 'L'. Here is an example

Quesadilla - Pronounced "kaise diya" is actually what all of us say when we go to vegetable vendors... Isn't that stealing in public?

What we now plan to do is to sneak in "Iyerism" in their culture in the same way they stole our language...

We propose that we create a couple of new words like

Saptilla - Pronounced "Saptiya" (tamil word which means 'have you eaten?')...
Poilla - Pronounced "Poiya" (tamil word which means 'get lost')...

Don't be surprised if you find something like this happening in the future... in one of the popular mexican joints...

Tam1: Saptilla
Counter Guy: what?
Tam1: Poilla... *walks away... serves them right*

what say? eye opening or jet lag?

Happy Diwali..

2008-10-27T15:14:00.016+05:30

We here at Iyerospace wish All of you Readers (albeit, our dean always asks us to use Both instead of All, which according to him depicts the right number of people) a Happy Diwali and a Prosperous New Year.

Here are our wishes for Diwali...

We wish that..

.. you keep exploding crackers throughout the coming year unlike this year where the stocks and the stock market exploded instead of the crackers

.. the prices of your stocks keep going up with every session just like Akshay Kumar's market valuation goes up after every film that he completes

.. the upcoming year be peaceful without any Himesh music or Movie releases

.. there are no more reality(dance/singing) shows on television in the next year

.. Rajnikant gets a super super super star status just like sri sri sri ravi shankar. And that his roles (rajni's) in guest appearances be longer than the protagonist's

.. some of the elder cricket players declare their retirement and give company to Dada

.. you get wisdom and peace of mind by not reading this blog anymore

We thank you profusely for all the flowers, wishes, sweets, crackers that you didn't send across...

Happy Diwali again...

Tandoori Nights...

2008-10-20T14:32:00.015+05:30

is the title of a song from Himmesh Reshammiya's (HR) latest movie title called KARZZZ out of which we suppose KAR is silent in the title and the only thing worthwhile must be ZZZ...

And before you begin to wander your thoughts, we havent committed the henious crime of going and watching that movie... it definitely isn't our FARZZZ to watch his KARZZZ... but we thought it would be a good idea of letting our imagination's horses run helter-skelter and come up with the possible story in this film... So here goes our version of KARZZZ which might put HR'S version to shame...

Mr Previous Janam (PJ) is a ultra-super-rich-brat of a kid who's got loads of money to throw. He is in love with Ms Jawaan Across Janams (JAJ) and they decide to get married. Once they are married, they drive to PJ's house to meet his mom and take ashirwaad. On the way there is a house of horror on the road, where PJ wants to take a look at whereas JAJ stays back in the car. PJ has a running nose. As PJ is just out of the house of horrors after a "hair raising" experience with an inhaler up his nose (to treat his running nose), JAJ kills him by repeatedly banging him with his own jeep and PJ dies a death with the inhaler in his nose and his hair still raised...

Cut to current janam we have HR singing and recording ultra numerous songs which are being disliked by a lot of people but at the same time these songs are considered to be a runaway hit... HR suddenly becomes a rockstar.. with two strange gifts... one a cap.. and second a nasal voice... He likes little girls (the ones below the age of 18) and one such kid...err... "little girl with good make up to look ladylike" falls in love with him and they become a pair... in this janam

HR is happy with himself and his life, his newly signed contracts on reality shows et al.... but deep at heart, he is seeking answers... primarily he is looking for the source of his two gifted talents... his cap and his voice... and he is troubled by a series of dreams that depict some guy with an inhaler and spiked hair being crashed and thrashed by a car... over and over again... He consults his dream catcher who attaches certain strings to HR's dream and manages to read a board on the dream that says "Bhalej".. That's the place where answers could be found...

HR, along with the kid...er... his love life... goes to Bhalej and finds the spot of his dreams with a tattered house of horrors. That is where he uses his singing prowess to invoke ghosts and gets to know the past life's story from them... Now he has a very clear picture of what has to be done... to get his revenge from Ms JAJ.. who still for some reason looks the same... like she'd just walked out of his dreams and right in front of him...

He begins executing his plans one by one... Firstly, he had to gain popularity ... and since negative popularity is far more potent than positive one... he goes about insulting music directors and musicians driving him on top of every chart... He then goes ahead to get a hair transplant... which failed miserably... which is replaced by having some fashionable japanese wig that gives him PJ's hair raised looks... This is then followed by stalking JAJ and making her feel like a kid... er... young lady... that she isn't, thus making her feel younger and HR comfortable (since he's always comfortable around kids... er... young ladies)... Now HR and JAJ are a pair... and JAJ is ready to do anything for HR... absolutely anything.....

... that includes coming to an Exclusive HR show at Hotel "Tandoori Nights", the most popular club in that constituency... JAJ, when turns out for the show finds that she is the only one who is there in the hotel.. and the invite actually turned out to be Ram Gopal Varma's Challenge... HR was Ramu's horror heist... and JAJ had to put up with him all by herself... which sadly she didn't and by the end of the second song... she was resting in peace... in a lot of pieces... waiting to be picked up by PJ from above... and HR got his revenge...

But the challenge is still there, for anyone to take... three hours, all alone with HR in hotel Tandoori Nights... all he awaits is the next challenger...

adios...

PS: We saw the video of this song and we think what they really mean is "Tan Doori Nights" (keep bodies away night... probably because no-one was properly deodorized)

Resignations & Good Byes

2008-10-13T14:50:00.004+05:30

Before you begin to rejoice on the fact that Iyer Education has resigned (to fate)... and is around for taking the last bow, let us be the first to tell you that IT IS NOT SO...

Now that we are done with the opening lines, here is one thing that has kept us thinking... very profoundly... How can people, who write such torturous and horrendous (official)emails (that excludes us), write so wonderful resignation mails and good bye emails.

The most obvious reason is that we are getting templates for almost everything under the sun. All we have to do is do a search on any of the popular search engines and we can get a list of templates that would span across, leave letters to your teacher and goes all the way up to letters/speeches to become the next president of the United States of Airoli.

Here is my friend from this office taking the help of such a website. Enjoy and spread the word...

Name: Gobbledygook
Nick: The school days letter writer
USP: Salutation and the first word of a new paragraph always begins on the center of the email.

Official Email(his language): I got a mail from ABC, When i am installing this software an error will come (we think he is trying to explain that he's getting an error). This installation package could not be opened. Contact the application vendor to verify that this is a valid windows installer package.

Resignation Letter(website help): This is to inform you that, Due to my some personal Problems, I need to relocate back to xxx with my family, I have a remorse feeling (now this guy is talking super-hi-fi english)with me while informing you that I would not be continue with this job in future. Please treat this as my advance notice to the company. I would like to take this opportunity to thanks to all of you for your great help and guidance during this tenure of my job. It would be appreciated if I will get my clearance letter and all formalities completed by xxx. Thanks

Did we mention that the salutation and the paragraph begun on the center of the mail body. At least something was original

We wish this guy would blog, and we find his blog address... It'd be fun reading his posts

adios...

IyerOlympics...

2008-08-21T21:18:00.003+05:30

Its been long since we wrote an Iyer post.

Its also been long since the last time we saw Olympics before 2008. At this point we'd rather say, it will be quite a long time before we see India's medal tally take another hike from the current 3, but that's not the point in consideration. We are trying to harp upon the "good things don't happen very frequently" tagline to cover the fact that we are running out of I(yer)deas.

So we thought it would be an ideal combination for us to have a new set of sports where Iyers from all over the world can get together once every four years and play some kind of sports and drive a million of political agendas (which is the obvious reason behind having such an event in the first place).

Since we'd have Iyers from all over the countries and managing such a large number of countries would be difficult, we'd have teams based on Gotras and not countries. That way every single person can have an ancestral connection and thus every single Iyer would give his/her best to please the rishi of their ancestor.

The opening ceremony would be something to really watch out for. Shiny silk veshtis and shinier silk maroon nine yard sarees would be the dress code for the opening ceremony and each of the gotra representative would be carrying a large sized photo of their family god followed by the team carrying a photo of their village god followed by other people in the team carrying a photo of the god of their liking and so on and so forth. (The representative would be the guy/gal from the respective gotra who scored the maximum in their 10th or 12th Standard)

Some of the events to watch out for in this olympics would be

1 Ltr / 2 Ltr / 5 Ltr Payasam Pounce:To eat payasam clean out of the banana leaf. The fastest one with the cleanest leaf wins

100 ML / 200 ML / 800 ML Rasam Race:To stop rasam from dripping out of the leaf. The one who can accomodate most portions of rasam before it spills out is the winner.

7718 Mile OnSite Marathon: Here we create a virtual race for folks to apply for jobs, visas and work permits and the likes. The one to do all of this and get onsite at the earliest wins. (7718 miles is the distance between Mumbai and New York)

Oh!! Did we forget about the torch and the torch bearers, who are a "unique" concept of this IyerOlympics? No we didn't... The torch and the torch bearers would be medium-tiny sized homa kundas which would be used to perform all kinds of homams and yagnams and all kinds of ahutis being offered to gods by the various teams when they are being handed over from one team to another.

About the Podium... yes we do have podiums at Iyerolympics... and they will be made out of old and worn out "golu stands" (we definitely believe in recycling you see).. and we would loudly play the mantra/bhajan of the family/village diety of the gold medal winner...

And finally the closing ceremony will see some things you have never seen before in any of the Olympics... Distribution of flowers, prasadam, coconut, chandan and kumkum to every single person attending the closing ceremony...

now we have come to a close... see you after 4 years...

adios

ps: fellow iyers: offend not... have fun...

Brand Bindra...

2008-08-12T15:13:00.006+05:30

cool... India gets its first individual gold medal in olympics and we are very proud of it...

Everyone on the television and on every other media (including blogs) are cashing on Brand Bindra.. so did we... and this is our earnest attempt to land a page hit everytime someone searches for either Bindra or Olympic Gold Medal etc...

Anyways, we couldn'd be more happy for this lad yesterday after which we woke up today morning to find this lad surrounded by every little bureaucrat belonging to the sports ministry / olympic committee of india / any other sundry organization giving interviews to gazillions of channels claiming their stake at this lad's success...

We opened the papers to find every single sportsman / businessman / minister / official congratulating this guy... We decide to watch television again to see channels accepting earnest congratulatory "SMS" for Bindra...

All of this for a guy who is so unassuming... who actually looks like being in Beijing for an IIM interview more than anything else...

And this is our tribute to him (more importantly, our contribution to the Bindra Brand and our subsequent efforts to hog some of the limelight) ... Now all searchers and their page hits are welcome to this page (if at all you end up landing here)

adios...

"Note"worthy Politicians

2008-07-23T19:35:00.003+05:30

well well well... what do we have to say about our "note"worthy politicians... they are just a wonderful bunch of stupid wierd ass (literally.. read ahead) dumb suckers... arent they?

First we used to hate the media for portraying our leaders in a very bad light... do you remember the first page photos of?

president falling over on a stage

prime minister sleeping in the parliament house

president trying to set dhoti that's come off in public

But now the media doesn't need to go looking for "say cheese" moments from these politicians... we have ready made politicians who stand with props and get themselves clicked and shot at... eventually shooting them to fame... (yes we can call it that)...

That said, we have a good , rather great, idea for both the briber and the bribee minister to keep the matter hush hush...

Briber ministers swiping credit cards on Bribee ministers' butt-crack to make payments so that the latter cannot bring cash into the house.

That way even if the minsters show up the butt crack as proof, the max that could happen to them would be to get a free hamper to get themselves treated for Piles/Fissures/Fistulas.

Gympanzees...

2008-06-25T17:08:00.005+05:30

Well Well.. after a long exile of not writing... which in turn would have meant a jolly good time for you guys, we've thought its time for us to get to do what we do the best... torture you guys...

This post is dedicated to our gym where we work out along with a bunch of folks we would like to call panzees. Let us clarify upfront that we are naming them panzees for the sake of spoofing them like chimps and we don't want you to consider them as pansies (which in turn brings in some doubt about us).

Gympanzee Exhibit 1: This guy is the serious Gym Guy. He does some serious weights and some serious cardio tranining that gives us a complex... 7 out of 10 times this guy will be in good shape... the other 3 is reserved for people like us who do some good training even when out of shape. So this guy will work out, sweat out and eventually go out once the exercising is done. Serious business.

Gympanzee Exhibit 2: This guy is the "My Way" guy... He gives a flying fish for the instructor, the dumbells.. hell he gives a super flying fish to the entire exercise routine and you'd find him doing his own set of exercises... This guy never requires a routine card... he's all by himself... you'd find him doing stuff that you see only in.. naah you dont see such wierd stuff anywhere... Some of the "My Way" guys are wierder by which we mean that not only they do stuff their way but also they dont talk to anyone... not even themselves... which is the complete opposite of what is coming next...

Gympanzee Exhibit 3: This guy is the best friend of every woman... no he's not gay... we are talking about the talkative guy... Lets make it very very very talkative guy... The only muscle group that this guy manages to develop are the muscles on his throat... a complete six pack... this guy is trained to do interval training... 5 mins of exercise and 15 mins of hardcore talking followed by 5 mins of exercise... total toned throat muscles we say...

Gympanzee Exhibit 4: Then there is another version of the interval training that you just saw above which applies to Gympanzee Exhibit 4. This guy exercises for 5 mins followed by 15 mins of narcissism which includes looking at all body parts at all possible angles after every single exercise. We bet he'd die if he didn't see the mirror one day of his life.

Did we anywhere mention that we were working out these days? No? That's because we are very shy and introverted.. We've been working out pretty hard for the last couple of months and shedding off some good 5-6 kgs... right after "blossoming" about 10-12 kgs above our normal weight some months back...

adios...

PS: We've used the male gender to depict the gympanzees out here... there are female gympanzees too... and yes, they too show up with similar traits... most of them belong to Exhibit 3....

The Iyer & Lower aspects of Reality Shows...

2008-06-09T15:19:00.015+05:30

There are 3 big issues that are looming large on the Indian economy and an Average Indian.

- The First being Inflation and rising prices of everything across the board.
- The Second is the falling stock markets, which are eroding savings and making the above costlier
- The Third (and the most important) is a plethora of reality shows on television channels.

There are a whole lot of people who are working on the first two and trying to reduce the effects by further increasing prices. And we (yes the benevolent WE), take the responsibility of informing you guys (yes both of you) about the third and the most important problem. So lets walk you through them.

So whats with reality shows? We have no clue about how they have come about, just like any other species and are thriving and surviving by killing other species (the intelligent humans like us). There are so many of them that we could rename each button on our remote control with a reality show name and we would need another 1300 buttons on our remote control. Oh yes.. and another bedroom to keep that remote (which as per today's real estate prices would again be unaffordable)... Back to the topic now...

Reality shows are like a bunch of rats... They multiply at a rate that you find it impossible to imagine... We think by the time we lose another couple of kilos (yes we are going public with our weight loss announcement to get some cheap publicity), we'd have about 125 more shows on various themes. Its about time somebody showed these guys a red inverted triangle to stop multiplying and pro-create more of these... And this post is the first dot on that red triangle...

Just like MNS is opposing the movement of Migrants into Mumbai, we would go ahead and aggressively oppose the movement of folks between reality shows. It get so confusing to figure out who's who and where. This movement of guys/gals between reality shows is similar to the IT industry at full steam or a bunch of young monkeys full on adrenaline. All of them make a lot of jumps...

We believe that reality shows endorses and showcases the talents of the judges rather than that of the contestants. It is never about the poor guy's / gal's performance. It has and will continue to be about the unwanted bouts of laughter (Sidhu), unasked for information (javed saab), singing songs on the chants of "Bandh karo bhai!!!" (bappi da & himesh), well orchestrated & staged fights like WWE and lots of other talents that they possess. (If ever there was a reality show on writing... we'd make the best judge given the oodles of talents we have on writing crap)...

And for the contestants... well after having promised of contracts worth crores... all they get to do is to perform on other reality shows... the price which is about crores (thus keeping up the promise). Another reason why reality shows are multiplying like rats...

Did we tell you that the latest currency of India is SMS (which costs in INR). All of this is attributed to the reality shows. We were walking down the road when we spotted a beggar and just when we were about to give him money, we read a notice board above him that read
"Pls donate in SMS Only.
Send BHEEK {Amt} to 12345
Cost of SMS 06 Rs Only.. Conditions Apply".
Looks like this guy already has a dedicated server and a revenue sharing contract against his name.

Yanyways, if you think we have only mentioned the lower aspects of reality shows, let us surprise you by telling you that there are no Iyer aspects to it.. We just had it in the title to give us some publicity... after all we are posting so rarely these days...

PS: The author is now watching 3 reality shows simultaneously to rid him of the depression caused by another 3 reality shows. Please do not mind all that is written above, which got typed in a state of shock and depression

Random Bakwaas...

2008-04-18T16:37:00.008+05:30

You seriously think we need to call the title that it is? Isn't Random Bakwaas the flavour of this place. But just to ensure that you don't lose the faith on this blog, we keep reiterating the flavour as titles on various posts. Here goes nothing...

We just invented that the opposite of "Decibel" is "Videsi Bel(bull)". On similar lines we also invented that the opposite of "Decimal" (Sameera Reddy) is "Videsi Mal" (Jessica Alba). Too much haan?

Talking about mal's, one mal we cant stand watching on TV is Katrina Kaif... at every given instance we see her on TV, we find her dancing... and her dancing... wah wah!!! kya kehne... she'd make a great dance pair with sunny deol... (both have 2 left feet[make that 42] and they have thunderous thighs, which makes them a great pair)

Talking about television, we think in itself is a "Breaking News"... which seems to be the keyword on all news channels... we have no clue... but everything today is breaking news... yes that includes we writing this post, you reading it and you eventually thrashing it...

Reading brings us to a very lucrative business (we are pursuing it as side business and one day will eventually make it a full time career)... This business requires very little investment with sure/definite profits. All you need to do is to subscribe to about 6-7 of newspapers (subscription is getting cheaper these days)... and then at frequent intervals give the paper back to raddiwala.. and trust us... you'd make more money from the raddiwala than the money you spent on subscription (we never said you'd make lots of money to buy you a pent house). Do not try this stunt with magazines

Stunt brings us to a super-ultra-major-wonderfully-dangerous stunt that our friend is trying to attempt in a couple of weeks. Bechara is Getting Married... No chance of survival we say... Always locha only becomes in this stunt...

Locha brings us to the end of this post... because if we don't end it here, there will be lots and lots of locha and you'd track us down and kill us...

adios...
PS: If you ever managed to "read" the post, you'd see that we took a word from one para and constructed the other one... we could have done it longer, but our oath of world peace and harmony came in our way and we had to stop it...

Jodha-Akbar ++

2008-03-17T18:59:00.007+05:30

We exclusively bring stuff that you didn't see in the movie.. some inside information on this super-fabulous (just kidding) movie... all in the form of, our export comments, which flow out of our digestive juices... err... err.. creative juices...

Export Comments (because they are of "Export" quality)

Jodha made too much out of the husband trying to touch her on the first night issue. She should have been less worried about her husband touching her. Why? Because, with the kind of jewelry she was wearing, there was hardly any skin exposed for Akbar to be able to touch-n-feel...

On the same notes, after marriage, Jodha should have been made the commander-in-chief of Akbar's army... with the specially designed and crafted tanishq armour, it would have been real difficult to target Jodha and find a spot to kill her...

Akbar's kinda cool in the movie... everything about Akbar was so perfect... even his side locks... Akbar's side locks, to us, very much resembled Hrithik Roshan from Dhoom 2 or Krrish... Didn't know Akbar's hair stylist was way ahead of his time...

And finally...

Here's one scene from the movie that was edited... was shown to us for "educational" purposes...

Time 10:00 PM
A: Time for a quickie...
J: Alright

Time 11:00 PM
A: I think I mentioned something about a quickie an hour ago...
J: Wait.. I am only done taking off the jewelery on my hair..

Time 12:00 AM
A: Are you done?
J: Yes, almost done dear... have taken off 384 chains off my neck...

Time 1:00 AM
A: Alritey J, I am leaving... dad must be waiting for me on the sets of his next movie... I am playing a superstar (probably with the same side locks)

And we say... bechaare log... what to do... life is like that wonly... it sucks "royally"...

adios...
PS: we are allergic to so much jewellery... and subsequently bappi da...

Halloween is (h)iyer...

2008-03-07T17:18:00.006+05:30

Its Halloween time for the southies... and Halloween is here or we would rather spell it as (H)iyer (just trying to get some cheap publicity for ourselves)...

Halloween would be the day when this Iyer would say to himself... "Dont fix it if it aint broken"... Now that's confusing right? Thats our job... to confuse you guys... (yes both of you)...

It all started last week when we had this little rash on our eyelids (little as compared to how rabid we used to be some years back... ask abhi or alap) which was rather inconspicuous and barely visible to anyone... And we decided to get it treated...

Not modern medicine... but Ayurveda... Why? because we thought it would cure this stuff by the roots... and a couple of days of taking all the kashayams and arishtams and grithams... we have rashes all over our face & neck... And its swollen... like a freakin full blown pumpkin... (and thats the logic behind the title)... We had also thought about "Nutty Professor" but that title had already been taken.. and was kinda cute.. completely against our sturdy image...

Day after day it got worse... and the worst part is that we couldn't go back for a re-visit to the ayurvedic doctor, because her husband expired a couple of days later (no... we didn't do it)... and people started noticing the change in us... except they thought that we had a bad haircut, which we actually had before we started the treatment... And we say to ourselves... how is that possible? How can they only notice the haircut but not the face thats bloated by about 6 feet more than it actually was? (Hyperbole used in good proportions)

Now we have the situation under control... had like zillions of anti-allergics and steroids to bring down the Halloween pumpkin to look like a potato that it actually is... referring to our heads...

Here we are... at our home... using up our sick leaves... and waking every day with a newfound hope in our lives... to look better every morning... because it definitely cant get worse :)

PS: We have nothing against ayurveda... but it really bombed this time... and actually exploded (our face)

Iyer - Sr v/s Jr

2008-03-01T17:52:00.004+05:30

Iyer Sr seems to be in a jolly good mood these days after retirement. We arent sure if this is the case with the Sr's in all the families. This post is another of the PJ's by Iyer Jr (yours truly) dedicated to Iyer Sr.

Sr seems to be asking for special treatment for Senior Citizens for almost everything in life. Train fares, plane fares, water resort entrance fees, movie tickets... even restaurant menus should be having special treatment (fares or otherwise) for Senior Citizens.

And this is what happened today morning...

Sr: Kesari tours and travels have this trip to malaysia, thailand singapore etc
Jr: Great... Do you want to go?
Sr: Yes we do.. but do we need passports?
Jr: Yes sure you do... what'd you think?
Sr: Ok, so do they have any special treatments for Senior Citizens in the passport office?
Jr: Sure... for you.. they'd put in higher numbers in the Age section of the passport...
Sr: (so that was a joke haan?)

Tell us this was funny... Sr refuses to believe :(

OSO - Gu(i)lty...

2008-02-26T16:27:00.004+05:30

There is a reason why Om Shanti Om (OSO) didnt do well in Andhra Pradesh !!!

OSO was gu(i)lty of distributing pain amongst all the locals there.

How you'd ask?

What do you think SRK's antics in six pack uttering "Dard-E-Teesco" meant for those poor folks there (Teesco in telugu is "to take".. therefore Dard-e-Teesco = to take pain)

*Walks back with a thunderous applause for the terrific-scientific-supersonic research work*

Int(Iy)erview...

2008-02-11T11:39:00.003+05:30

Flash News: Right after the sensational news of the main accused in the Kidney racket being arrested and sent to Delhi, in an unrelated incident, we have an exclusive INT-IYER-VIEW with the director of Iyer Education (aren't flash news like this these days?... totally unrelated...)

(C)correspondent:IE, where have you been?
(I)yer Education: We've been to London to see the queen (what do you think?)

C: Very Funny.. why are you not posting?
I: Well the university is out of Curry-Kolam(curriculum)

C: Rumors say its your marriage that is taking a toll on this... Any comments?
I: (Off Records)... Marriage is just a "Toll Naka" .. Its the wife who takes the Toll...

C: Are you doing anything good for this university or the students?
I: What do you think "not posting" is for?

C: We've been tracking your movements.. You don't visit other universities (reading blogs) and give guest lectures (commenting)...
I: We've been asked by the UN to keep away from doing such things in the name of WORLD PEACE (can you believe that?)

C: World Peace huh!!! That must be a huge responsibility?
I: EMI/Bills/Payments etc are a much bigger responsibility for us. World Peace is just incidental...

C: Any comments on the sliding Indian Stock Markets?
I: (as usual) Its the subject of our next directorial debut(2nd debut?) called "Saare Zameen Par"

C: What do you have to say about the declining IT Industry?
I: When you find us posting more often, you will definitely know what we are (not) doing...

C: Whats next for your university? If we are ever going to see it back in action.
I: We are going to apply for "Doomed"... errr... "Deemed" University status before we are back in action. We want least interference in our functioning

C: Any message for our readers/fans?
I: Sure (We like both of them)... Please read this post when published... even though it looks like random stupid commands typed on a command prompt... We Love you all... and your cute cousins too...

Ultra-Super-Duper-Flash News: India ka doosra wicket gira... aur Iyer Education ka post ek Publishing stunt hi tha aur kuch nahi...

Baigan ka bharta...

2007-11-21T19:05:00.000+05:30

A A A A B B B B B B B B A A A A A A A A A B B B B B B B

If you are wondering what the above is, it simply means "Long time no C"... old one eh? alright we know its quite some time that we had updated this space... but then thats the trend these days right? Trying to put up as being very busy... everybody does... so are we... trying to look very busy... hence updating after a couple of months...

So why are we posting right now? Only to share a couple of PJ's... attract a couple of comments... another couple of hits... thats about it... alright thats all that we have for now... (already happy eh?)

What did we do for so long? Absolutely nothing... (if work qualifies as nothing, which logically, technically and all other ally it should)... And we went to sasuraal for a week... To Kerala for a week of absolutely nothing (this time we are serious)... Nothing but pure absolute bliss... thats where we discovered the BLISS cycle of SLEEP - EAT - SLEEP, whereas Iyeropatni was busy catching up with our in-laws.

Now our sasuraal is in Gods Own Country of Kerala. We think its about time that we christen the GELF as god's own country as most of folks from Kerala are there and the ones in Kerala are raring to go there, but that again is not the point of the post. Which brings us back to, what was the point of this post? We dont know... And we cant rack our inexistent brains to try and find that out...

Back to Kerala... Lots of things we learnt there...

First and foremost, that the jewellery industry in Kerala is actually owned by a couple of Lukkas (lukka in bambaiyya hindi is like us... total waste)... No seriously... the biggest of the lukkas are called Francis Alukkas, Jose Alukkas, Joy Alukkas et al. Quite a revelation we say... we are waiting for the day when yours truly lukka will become someone....

Second and not so foremost... one doesnt need to go around breaking into and stealing from jewellery stores to make good money... all one has to do is to attend a mallu wedding and hold everyone at ransom... we didnt do it because we would be recognized in the entire hall... even if we were to mask ourself... yah right... our height would give away...

Third is that, to restore the balances of H in this universe, we should get gujjus to marry south indians. Thus a Jignes/Kalpes/Manisa married to Latha/Geetha/Santhosh will make sure that there is a balance of H in this universe. This can also help the first observation by having a couple of Zaveris moving southwards.

Fourth and a mathematical wonder is that "The ages of mallus are divisible by their age and 1 only". Because they are all PRAYAM(prime) NUMBERS... btw PRAYAM = AGE in mallu :)

And lastly, back to the title of this post... we were introduced to newer relatives in our sasuraal as "Iyeropatni's Bharta" (Bharta in Mallu means Husband)... So we decided to confer upon Iyeropatni, the title of Baigan (Brinjal / Eggplant), which makes us "Baigan ka bharta"...

adios...

Directorial Debut...

2007-08-10T20:32:00.000+05:30

With Sharukh Khan's latest movie (on the status of Women's hockey in India and how he transforms them into world champions) getting good initial reviews, we are planning to make our directorial debut...

And we are tackling a much bigger problem than Women's Hockey... We are tackling the widespread, nationwide issue of Black Money (not the moolah raked in by Sanjay Leela Bhansali on the blind, deaf movie) in the Indian economy...

And we are calling it "Cheque De India"

Any one interested in being the producer of this movie... We have the budgets worked out... (We just need to figure the script)

adios...

Err... Err.. Education...

2007-08-07T20:41:00.000+05:30

No No, we werent doing a Shahrukh Khan p-p-p-p-pronunciation of the word Education... What we meant by the title was to talk about err.. err.. Sex Education in India... And simple ways to implement them...

Why are we interested in this topic? Read this article about 9 states banning sex education in India on cultural backgrounds... Hmmm... what do we say... We think it would be unfair of us, if we didnt discuss this in the open, after all we are not the second most populated country in this world solely because of the bugs and the bees story...

So what we suggest is that we implement the Err.. Err.. Education without any knowledge of any authorities. How do we do that? Read ahead for the (not so) brilliant master plan.

Firstly we do not need to print any books for carrying this clandestine operation. We can make do with the existing books.

Secondly we implement this, right in the beginning of our education lifecycle... yes you read it right... right in nursery and jr and sr kg...

Thirdly, since in the first point we didnt print any new books, we use the nursery rhymes as our medium of communication... Yes we can do that... with our plan... we definitely can... and we will... (did we just sound like Suhaib Ilyasi)

If you think our plan wont work or that we are simply out of our minds... read the rhymes and decide for yourself...

We can replace the bugs and bees story with the following

One Two... Whooopeeee Whooopeeee Do
Three Four... Shut The Door
Five Six... Under the sheets
Seven Eight... A long long wait
Nine Ten... Then there's CONCEPTION

Aids awareness can be created by

Row row row your boat gently down the stream...
Wear a life jacket or with death you'll scream...

and

Jack and Jill did an awareness drill...
To fight aids now and after...
Both just passed and saved their arse...
And stayed happily ever after...

Fidelity and Monogamy can be preached thru

Hump(ty) (and dont) Dump(ty) got married and all...
Hump(ty) (and dont) Dump(ty) had a great fall...
Both with multiple partners both women and men...
Lord save them... Lets just pray, AMEN!!!

We think we have lost it... and more importantly we have REALISED it... someone go get a psychologist :)

adios...

Friend Philosopher Guide...

2007-06-01T08:03:00.000+05:30

We should admit that this is the first time we actually "experienced" the meaning of the term "Friend Philosopher Guide"... How you'd ask... and we say... read the post...

This post is about Apoo... who plays the title role in this post... How you'd ask... and we say... this guy is a multi-faceted character... We will discuss this... (not in the same order as the title)

Philosopher: Just check this post. Its just awesome... Right next to Socrates...

Friend: This one's got more than a couple of catches...

1. We can count the number of times we have met him on the fingers of our right hand (mind you we are not Hrithik Roshan)

2. The first time we met him, his brain was scarred for life. We believe it still is...

3. The only thing common between him and us are a couple of really close chaddi buddies...

And yet... he was the most wonderful Guide (after Navneet Guide Std I - XII) we have ever met in our life...

1. Showed us around the good places of USA out here...

2. Catered to our whims and fancies and always let us be on the "tourist" mode...

3. And was the most wonderful host we have ever met in the USA

Thanks Man!!! You made our visit here memorable... two days WORTH REMEMBERING...

And we too had given him a good parting gift... Something he can remember for some time to come...

1. A good dosage of cold

2. Power Cut in US of A (can you believe that?)

Will try and get you something good from India next time... We are sure after reading this post, the government here would disallow importing common cold and power outages :)

adios...

We Wish...

2007-05-23T16:14:00.000+05:30

... English was not such a funny language...

... Expressive and Impressive had been antonyms of each other... just like Extrovert & Introvert... (shuddav been Imtrovert... but what the heck)

Then we wouldn't have minded being slotted in either one... Its better than being in none ;)

adios...

Word – Software – Sleep...

2007-05-18T01:01:00.000+05:30

We have been feeling awfully sleepy for the last couple of days… Alright make that weeks. At first we thought it was our body’s defense mechanism to… errr… umm… work. We haven’t done so much work in the past couple of decades. So our body had to react in some way or form. But then that assumption was only half true. It sure was a defense mechanism and it was also for work, but the defense was not because of the work but the TYPE of work…

… That type of work which a lot of people LOATHE… Believe us, especially when you have words like Loathe being typed in this post. That work in other words is called “Documentation”. Documentation, in the words of the great Sri Sri Sri Sri Prof Iyer, is defined as “The proof of work that you create so that others can blame you for creating it when you are long gone from the organization”.

Now that said and done, we think there is some kind of connection between the fingers, eyes and sleep. How else can you explain us feeling sleepy and eyes drowsy at this moment as we are typing this post? But then we wake up… This post is a short story… The official documents are volumes of unwritten Mahabharata… Which we keep creating… And it is not just us… We expect our subordinates to do it for us… And when it’s the time to review… we fall back into the fingers, eyes, sleep circle again.

At the same juncture we get to see ads for various pills that are available for the common man to get rid of his ailments. Frankly speaking, before coming here, we didn’t know that there are so many diseases in our daily routine. Now that we have realized that, we are beginning to feel sick. We didn’t feel anything till we came to know about the existence of such diseases.

Now it doesn’t take Einstien to put two and two together and deduce the fact that Microsoft should start positioning MS Word (software for documenting) as a Sleeping Software. Microsoft is facing too much competition and this surely is one way to get to the common people and have a larger audience. Seriously, they sure will make big bucks. And if they ever do it without paying us our dues, we are going to sue them. They could sell word in different versions… (You may find a pattern there… but they have got nothing to do with cigarettes…)

Word – Ultra Milds – For 5-10 min power naps
Word – Milds – For afternoon naps in office
Word – Lights – For weekend afternoon naps
Word – Classic – Normal 6-8 hours of sleep
Word – Hards – 8-12 hours of sleep
Word – Slumber – For sleeping thru the weekend
Word – Hibernate – For sleeping through a month
Word – Kumbhakaran (Premium) – Do you need explanation?

An ad for it would be a couple of insomniacs (literal married couple) sitting together on their laptops typing their way to glory on “Word – Classic” and then taking their pillows and falling asleep… Waking up to the doodling of the cock… err… rooster… to be politically correct, only to realize that it’s a Sunday and they have woken up early… continue typing on a document… and go back to sleep again…

adios…
PS: We have been typing on Word - Milds for some time now… so tootles

Wanted... Did... Learnt...

2007-05-14T02:44:00.000+05:30

Since we couldn't think of what should we write for a post for the past month or so, we decided to go with our own Raam Kahani of what we wanted, what we did for it & what we learnt from it. And, if by any chance, while reading, you listen to any kind of sound, just ignore it... those are fake laughters we added to this post to ensure that atleast somebody has a good laugh on this one :)

Wanted: To Eat Waffles (the ads make it took awesome)

Did: Ate Waffles with some Sweet Strawberry something... er... sauce...

Learnt: Waffles are nothing but 32-64 hollow Shankarpalis(without the sugar) joined together and some sweet sauce filled in those hollows...

Wanted: To feel like we were in Mumbai

Did: Travelled By Trains and Buses in Chicago

Learnt: Naah... nothing beats Mumbai... The trains and buses here are actually EMPTY... do you believe that? But there are certain railway stations here that resemble Dockyard Road (station high above the road), Kanjurmarg (nothing around the station), Mahalaxmi (station below a bridge) etc etc... But empty trains have higher weightage than railway station look alikes... So Mumbai still rocks...

Wanted: To see chawls out here in Amrika

Did: Went Down Town

Learnt: All chawls in Amrika are vertically arranged. You have gazillions of chawls here that start from 35 storeys and go all the way till 100 storeys... This place has entirely changed our "orientation" about chawls :)

Wanted: To see Amrika
Did: Came here for a 3 month project
Learnt: However nagging your wife, mom, dad or sis could be, nothing can beat being around them... however annoying they get... So if at all uncle sam wants us again... the deal better be for the entire iyer bunch :)

We are going to meet Apoo to see around DC. So we guess he better learn that he shouldnt be showing the place around to the director of Iyer education if he wants to stick around here... so Apoo... here comes the trouble!!!

adios...

Hollywood Sequels - Served Iyer Style

2007-04-24T03:35:00.000+05:30

Amrika can do strange things to you... It sure has does a lot of strange things to us... First and foremost we stay here alone, so we are half dead now. Given the fact that we were already half dead after having married our better half, we are almost there... to the land of the grim reaper... But then given our reputation for "Good" deeds, we are still alive and we are back from the clutches of death and on our way to sending you there :-) So welcome aboard the Iyer 740 non stop flight to hell...

Other than having made some stupidly tasting food and having the b@!!s in us to eat it too, we also have tried watching some English movies. Its something we rarely do because we are not able to understand any of those movies without subtitles. And since there are no other hindi, marathi, tamil, malayalam channels here, we spend most of our time watching some man/woman speaking about how the world is coming to an end... and it is the right time for us to give everything to god... but god only accepts that through the cash spent on buying products from the shows that follows... The guys dont know that we dont believe in donating money to god by buying nails, irons, hammers, hacksaws and other such likes... We believe in donating money through annadanams, archanas, poojas and so on and so forth. So we are saved by the wrath of god... phew... and so we digress...

Other than that we are not saved by the wrath of sleuth of movies in between advertisements, or probably its the other way round. And though we didnt understand anything in that movie, we liked it. Because everytime we saw a movie (regardless of whether we understood or not) and liked it. We came up with an idea of making an "Iyer" sequel to it.

The reason?

80% of the workforce we have met here are tams... and you still need reason?

90% among those 80% of the tam work force like Rajanikant...

95% of the guys who are among the 90% of the guys who like Rajanikant who are among the 80% of the workforce here believe that his stunts are for real...

85% of the 95% of the guys who believe that his stunts are for real of the 90% of the guys who like rajanikant who are among the 80% of the workforce here believe that he is GOD...

okay now we have run out of stats... but we pretty much ensure that the above stats are for true... and this area is hot market for tam films... but the tams also like english films... so we cater to both of their needs by having an Iyer sequel to their existing english films... Here's the list... all production houses are requested to select a sequel of their own and let us know... We can work on the script and make sure that the movie is a super hit...

Shanghai Nanbar(Friend) would actually be a good sequel to Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights... (Jackie Chan can be given a role provided he can act like a chinese guy)

Harry Potter and Half Blood Thamburaan(prince/king), would be a good subject Mira Nair can take up for her next project, assuming she knows more about thamburaans than anyone around here...

Meet the Vaadyars (priests) is a logical step in the marriage process after the bride's parents have met the groom and the samdhis have also met each other. Vaadyaars are very important from conducting the wedding perspective...

Terminator IV - Uprising of the IT Hoard, would be a life saver. We wouldnt have to see the governor in that movie and we'd get to see real life performances by a lot of these guys here... fresh faces... fresh ideas :)

Pirates of Kanyakumari - The World's End, If you consider India as the world, Kanyakumari is definitely the world's end... kind of sort of... from the south... hmmm... what say?

Star Wars - Episode VII - Revenge of Sitha Maami, should place all of the south indians on the galaxy too... why should we be the only ones left out on inter-galactical themes... and we will support Sitha Maami on her next pod race championship... go maami go :)

Thats about it for this post... We already have overshot the number of sequels that you guys can bear with... that is "not a single"...

adios...

2 I-Years and almost alive...

2007-04-18T05:13:00.000+05:30

Somehow this title seems to have a lot of meaning to us. Now we are two Iyers (Mr & Mrs) and it is 2 I-years ever since we have started blogging. And today is way way way way way belated past the 2nd budday of this blog.

The Comic Project's post on his completion of 2 yrs reminded us that we also have gone through two years of blogging in the blogosphere (now we assume that most of you are at The Comic Project... its a kick ass blog if you havent visited it by now... )

We havent been able to blog frequently for the past 6 months or so primarily because we have work to do, which we incidentally didnt have in the past 1.5 years. But look at the brighter side, we not blogging is a great service to humanity and the Iyer community is breathing a sigh of relief of someone from their own community is not making fun of them anymore... But the fact is that we have run out of ideas... and the new source of ideas, our wife, wont co-author this blog... She says, she's been already outcasted by the mallus... now she doesnt want the rest of the world to do the same... and we (silently as always)agree...

And the blog is almost alive with a few random posts here and there... very similar to our situation out here in amrika... just about alive... that too because we are confident that we will survive after eating whatever we have just cooked... if we didnt have that confidence, we'd be history by now...

So... though this blog looks like it is in Coma, we will try and update it a little more often and you can keep finding newer ways of not reading it... so there... the equation looks balanced now...

Happy Budday Bloggie... We will celebrate this with some home made wine (yup thats how rasam made by us out here tastes)...

adios...

PS: There are so many tams out here in this place that if you add another 100, then amrika would have to change its national language to Tamil... and we are looking forward to it... cmon you 100 guys, start applying for your VISA... we want to change the national language of this place before we leave ;)

FIM Moments on GTalk...

2007-03-31T21:05:00.000+05:30

Being in amrika may lead to a whole new set of inventions that one thought were never possible. It has its own set of disadvantages like not being with family being the most important. But it has its own aspects of fun also. We discovered that aspect on saturday while we were talking to our family over GTalk.

The fun aspect was the fact that we did underestimate our parents ability to handle the computer and especially something as complicated as GTalk. Yes when you talk about handling something like GTalk to people around the age of 60, working at government organizations in India, it is quite complicated. Especially when one's forte does not go beyond adding songs to winamp or playing bridge online.

That is when we recognized that we did take ourself too much for granted... Assuming that we knew everything... and that our parents didnt know some of those stuff... And in those moments you come across FIM (Foot In Mouth) syndrome... We did come across such moments on saturday and here are excerpts of them...

With Appa(Dad)
Appa: he comes all the way from ambernath
me: OMG
me: OMG = Oh My God
Appa: I know this simple abevations I am ur dad
me: i am sorry... i forgot that part

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

me: brb..
Appa: what u r using brb not international abbrevation
me: brb = be right back
it is an international abbreviation
so finally i know something my dad doesnt know
Appa: u know iam international bridge player
me: yes partner

With Amma (MOM)
Amma: are you going to visit the white house and disneyland
me: dont know about disneyland
washington ka plans to hai
Amma: if so please take the snaps
me: dekhte hai kya hota hai
Amma: lol
Amma: do you know what is lol
me: yeah
laughed out loudly
and how did you know about it
Amma: you thr have taken to much for granted

We have rocking folks in their 60's who are more tech savy than we are... Love you guys :)

adios...

PS: We have purposely edited the part where they give us loads of gaali galoch, which forms a part of our regular conversation, just to maintain a good image on the blog... Oh and this part is pure unadulterated and unedited...

Amrika... the land of...

2007-03-27T04:57:00.000+05:30

Opportunities? Naah thats cliched...

It is the land of experiments... yup.... it sure is... atleast for an iyer like us...

Oh wait... let me also add Apoo and his experiments with Salmon Kebabs...

Yup... We are talking about experiments of the culinary types...

Now for most of the tams around here (which are more in number than the hot women we discovered here), we thinks the strategy is simple... go to india for around a month... get married and then have a great cook... and the lady has a ready to use chaffeur...

But ours is a different case... we gots married in India... and we are celebrating out honeymoon out here in amrika... ALL ALONE... so there's no one to cook for us... and neither do you find matunga types market around here where you go to this vendor and he starts packing all the vegetables required to make tasty avial... forget avial, we dont even find proper thair saadam (
curd rice) with pickles... which makes our life all the more disastrous... can you imagine the life of an iyer without thair saadam... sense, your curse is now making sense (you sure have a great career in astrology and crystal ball reading and likes)

So what do we do... we just follow the footsteps of an ABCD movie... and end up with something to eat that is something altogether new and unique and wonderful (take our word on that one)... and these experiments are working in our favour till now. We had carried some spices from back home... but that wouldnt suffice... so we go out shopping, which was a terrible experience (we were the ONLY ones walking on the road with the groceries... made us look like the lone ranger... albeit without the horse... talking about which, do beggars drive out here?)

And now, we start our experiments... sambar/rasam made out of italian salad dressing(along with sambar powder too)... with india going global in industries, we cant stay behind with our culinaries... and yes a sambar and rasam with the above ingredient tastes really good... and yes we are alive after consuming that... so its worth a try... and we guarantee that its definitely not fatal...

Then we make breads and omlettes (eggs, we say is a gray area for iyers... we want to believe that egg is vegetarian so that we can consume it... but these non-veggies are trying their level best to get it to the dark non-veg area). Now since we didnt get the normal loaves of bread but a huge pole of bread (alright, the loaved ones were costly), it is very difficult to consume it the normal way. So what do we do... we add the breads to the pan, then add the eggs and then the italian salad dressing (again... it sure comes in handy) and we have something like a bread-egg-upma... bromlette in english... and we havent seen the doctor ever since we have consumed it... so you can try it out yourself...

And, our brains have started to tingle and we started to see an opportunity to improvise on almost everything... we just hope we are going to make some form of avial without any of the original ingredients but end up making tasty avial out of plain and simple "italian salad dressing"... and we'd start dishing out dish after dish after dish until we get an award for "global integrity"...

And by that time, we'd be back in india eating great south indian food made by our amma...

tab tak ke liye... we already have a white apron... to EXPERIMENT around...

adios...

Uncle Sam...

2007-03-19T22:59:00.001+05:30

All of this stuff happened in a hurry and we are here at Uncle Sam's for some project work... We'd stick around here for another 3 months... So we are yet another member of the TAM-BRAM community to have visited this place... its quite normal for us Iyers to come to this place... but we dont want to stick around too much...

Couple of things in this land that we need to look out for... firstly when people say that this place is warm... DO NOT go by their words... it is warm here by Uncle Sam standards... by Indian standards, this place is close to delhi in winters... so always carry your woolens along with you...

There is no ground floor out here... the ground floor = first floor and first floor = second floor and so on and so forth... no wonder we were frightened when we were told that our apartment was on the third floor when the building itslef had two floors... you make the calculations...

And lastly... just like you dont find elephants and mangoes scattered in every nook and corner of India, you wont find bikini babes scattered around uncle sam's land... that is a total misnomer... and reality struck us when we found more number of "vibhooti" applied tams than bikini babes around this place... so if you are comin to uncle sam with that idea in mind... DROP IT... RIGHT AWAY... coz you'd only find our relatives in huge numbers around here...

thats it for now... work calls... and we take your leave... (okay you can keep applauding for that one)

adios...

Onion...

2007-03-07T11:48:00.000+05:30

Work life is taking a toll on any and everything around in our life. Blogging to say the least. And if you think we could blog from home (it is more fun when you are sneaking on blogs and writing blogs at workplace), we have 3.5 hour power cuts on a daily basis in this part of the world, so even thats ruled out.

And the kind of work that we have, it just allows us enough time to click on the "Mark All as Read" link on Google Reader. Other than that life is great and is just about rocking (the boat).

And yes we are at the end of this post... too good to believe huh?... with a typical (read pakaoo) PJ...

ONION to the bongs is a much acclaimed tamil movie where Vikram plays a character with multiple personality disorder...

adios...

Modern Day Curses...

2007-02-27T13:41:00.000+05:30

"You will forget your all that you have learnt when you most need it" (Karna)

"You will die of the greivance of being away from your son" (Dasharatha)

"You will die in the next seven days after being bitten by the Takshaka Snake" (Parikshit)

"You will die at the attempt of consummation" (Pandu)

"You will be turned into a stone and will regain your normal form only after being touched by the holy feet of the form of Vishnu" (Ahalya)

"You will be born as a human being for the crime that you have committed" (Bhishma)

... are all examples of famous curses received by famous people as per our Hindu Mythology.

Curses were part and parcel of our Hindu Mythology and they were an interesting part in our epics and related stories. A curse in the epic was like a drama that is created just before the interval in a movie and the redemption from that curse would be like the climax of the movie. In essesnce, curses added color and variety and lot of other adjectives to the story.

As per Iyer Education's research finding, it is the lack of curse's in today's life is what is making life so dull (lets just assume that our lives are dull here) and taking life to the dogs... And by curse we are not talking about the daily curses that we receive from our mothers, fathers, wives, husbands et al. Those are just uttered... they arent MEANT... By curse we mean the formal types of curses that sadhus and rishis used to utter out with a palmful of water... Had those been there in today's life, we would be having a great and colorful life...

Now that we have said that curse's dont exist today, partially because we dont have qualified cursors (not the ones that blink on your screen) and secondly people wont even believe when they are cursed... given the kind of thoughts that people are moving away from traditional to more modern and technically advanced thoughts... So we wonder how curses would have evolved with time had they still been existing today... And we do that with situations where these sages could curse people... So here's a probable list of curse's you'd get to hear if curses did exist today.

Sage: I curse you that you... er.. er..
Offender: Any problems?
S: Er... What is your profession?
O: *proudly* Software Engineer
S: I curse you that your project will always to have scope creeps and it'd never get past the UAT stage... *sprinkles water using barber wala sprinkler*

S: What is your name?
O: Dr Dinanath Dhurandhar Dabbawaala...
S: *he he no need to ask profession at all*
S: I curse you that there would be a cemetry right next to your dispensary you will function as its ancillary unit... *sprinkles water with the Dr's syringe*

O: I am an accountant
S: I curse that your P&L and Balance sheet will never tally in any financial year and the auditor wont spare you... and your dream to become a CA will always remain a dream... *sprinkles water using fountain pen*

O: I am an MBA
S: I curse that you will forget all the jargons that you learnt at Wharton whenever you need them the most... *sprinkles water using hand shower*

O: College Student...
S: I curse that you will attend all the lectures and get an award for the student with the most attendance *sprinkles water from water cooler*

O: Blogger
S: I curse that your comments section will always be empty and that you'd suffer from a block whenever you'd want to write something *sprinkles some e-H2O"

O: Westerner
S: I curse that you wont see mangoes and elephants in india *throws a piece of tissue paper* (those guys dont use water in anycase)

... alright alright... this list has come to an end.... let us type the magic word you've been dying to read...

adios...

Ctrl + C --- Ctrl + V

2007-02-16T22:26:00.001+05:30

Yay... we are getting famous... or thats what it suggests... Let me take this opportunity to welcome someone, whose been "Ctrl+C 'ing" & "Ctrl + V'ing" a couple of our posts... Please find them here and here... And the original links are here and here (respectively)... What do we say... all signs of prosperity :)

Iyerize...

2007-02-06T17:17:00.001+05:30

As we is writing this now, the wedding and the honeymoon is all over. Over as in Khatam ho gaya and not OVER OVER... and as usual there is a marriage that follows every wedding. And we is into that marriage just about a day now... not too much experience we say... but we are already on to it now and we are blogging about it... so we guess it must be quite interesting. If any married kapils want to throw some light on this one are most welcome to use the comments section :)

Firstly, we need to say something very peculiar about the wedding. Our garland in the wedding was just one inch shorter than our height. It looked like the garlands were made for some giant bakasuras or hidimbas or even south indian superstars and were used on us little mortals. This made the garlands sweep the ground every time we bent our neck to get aashirwaad. It was kind of funny as we had always thought that garlands were like neck ties... and not like night gowns :)

Secondly, we were told that the reception was quite well done. The place, ambience, decor and food were all awesome. Good we say. And we credit all of this to Iyeropatni. Why? Because she was the one who decided on all of it. And we substantiate it with the fact that Iyeropatni has good taste? Just look at her choice of hubby... oh alright... that is just what is called as the converse to the theorem... or exception to the rule to all the failures in geometry (including yours truly)...

now coming to the topic of this post... Iyerize...

Though Iyerize phoenetically sounds like High Rise it has nothing to do with tall buildings. Iyerize is the process that we have to follow to change a lot of habits of our wife from being mallu into being an Iyer, that she is right now. So we make this post as a "To Do List" to Iyerize Iyeropatni into being a full fledged Iyer. Now when we say "full fledged iyer" it means any normal iyer and all species that are like yours truly are automatically sifted out of the equation. (We are already outcasted and disowned by the iyers once we have started blogging). So here we make a list of all things/habits that we would change in Iyeropatni to make her into an Iyer. Please note that some of these habits are outdated and outmoded, but we still would like to instill those values in her.

1. Curd Rice Addict - We have to make sure that Iyeropatni is a Curd Rice addict. By that we mean that she has to have daily dose of thair saadam(curd rice) with pickle to make her day. Absence of it on any given day should make her do wierd things like saying good things about us, setting up a romantic candle lit dinner for the both of us and all other wierd mushy things. We really dont want to get her into doing all the above stuff, hence we want to make sure that she gets her daily share of curd rice and pickle. (Given her existing liking for curd rice, it wont be too difficult a task)...

2. Match Making Maami - This is something we have to be working really hard upon. Given her anti gossiping and being straight on the face nature, this task is really uphill and would take a lot of effort for us to train Iyeropatni to attend functions and talk to other Iyer maamis with elan about match making the "eligible" iyer ladkis with "eligible" iyer ladkas (preferably settled in the US)... We would suggest processess such as shadowing, reverse shadowing and the other likes to make sure that she picks this up quite quickly and rarely makes any mistakes with them... And if you think it is too early for her to do all of this, do remember that maria sharapova picket up the tennis racket at the age of 3 and went on to win the wimbledon at 18...

3. Sound of Carnatic Music: It is very difficult to train the ears to listen to Chambai Vaidyanaatha Bhaagavathar and MS Subbalakshmi when the ears are conditioned to listen to Dr Zeus, Rouge, Nelly Furtardo... You get the drift right? Yup this is the next task to do by making her listen to all forms of carnatic music. For that we'd probably start with remixing " Kangna" with "Krishna nee begane"... or something on those lines and then slowly move on to the hard core carnatic music ones that is so essential for being an Iyer maami... and just in case she's too much interested she may join the thyagaraja keerthanams singing at Thiruvaiyar and we can go there for our annual holidays...

We think these three are enough for us to last for this year. Next year we may prolly come up with another three. The reason we dont come up with all the 30 to do lists is that we have to take things slowly... one at a time... and more importantly we dont know what else to write :(

will let you guys know if we are able to iyerize iyeropatni... and to what extent...

adios
PS:There is quite a good possibility that Iyeropatni would have made a similar list to Nairize us... so do not fret if you find us speaking stuff like zimbly... aundy... sqwayar... tyondy... and go yada yada about the advantages of coconut water...

On the cards...

2007-01-18T20:03:00.001+05:30

When...

Thou begin to find all the women more attractive (Erstwhile women fall into two categories. 1. The good ones & 2 The Better ones... Now every woman falls in Category 2) and even more attractive... and even more attractive...

Thou begin to clean up shelves in your house (and throw out all the collection of your favorite playmates) just to make a little more space...

Thou stop watching 'Bikini Destinations' and 'Wild On' at nights (not intentionally... but because of the deadly nightmares that neither allow you to sleep nor stay awake)

Thou look outside the window and everything seems so gloomy... (or is it the winters thats settling down)

Thou think hard about posts and more posts and nothing comes to your mind (as empty as it could be)...

Thou keep imagining a pack of cards and the only card that comes to your mind is the "Jack" (also fondly termed as Ghulam in Hindi)...

Then thou are going to be married in the next week...

New I-year Foresights...

2007-01-10T16:23:00.001+05:30

They say mortals make new year resolutions and then go into the year only to break them or not stick to them. But as you all might be knowing, we are NOT ordinary mortals. Hence new iyear resolution is not just our cup of cappuchino or even latte for that matter. We have foresights. No! No! No! we dont see four of everything... the alcohol effect has warded off long before we began to write this post... foresight actually means looking into the future... And we look a year into the future and tell you whats in store for us/you/all...

Firstly and foremostly, we think we'd have to spend the entire of next year watching highlights of cricket matches that India have won. These highlights would be wonderfully named as "India Glorious" or "India Victorious" thus, constantly giving us the feeling that India is still winning (though in eastman color... 1980's and the world cup). This is because, we really dont think it is possible for us to keep watching live cricket and India being beaten inside out on every possible occasion. We sincerely dont need any of that.

Secondly, and not so foremostly, we foresee ourselves being subject to a lot of HR terminologies like Job Enrichment, Job Enlargement, Job dis-Satisfaction and so on and so forth. No we actually mean it. We are getting married, and for men, marriage brings along H(e)R terminologies. All of the above huge terms mean just one simple thing... We are supposed to take our minds out of mundane activities like gaming(computer), hanging around at paanwaala tapris, visiting restaurants in chaddis and baniyans (hmph) and concentrate on important activities like dish washing, room cleaning, cooking... Blogging isnt even considered here...

Thirdly (lets just cut the foremostly crap out) we are going to go through a real life "BIG BOSS" episode in our house. And there are no yellowie points for guessing who that is... Iyeropatni... All along it was smooth sailing for us coming back to a place where Iyeropatni isnt there and making loads of majja masti... but this year onwards..."Big Boss is Watching"... and we even fear going into the dreadful room where big boss speaks in 3D dolby digital surround sound... and saying sorry about 1678923 times and doing uthak baithaks for approximately similar numbers...

Lastly we thinks Iyeropatni would join us in blogging (and join you guys in bashing us up... she just loves it)... We'd probably rename the blog to Mr & Mrs Iyer Education (we likes that)... and come up with posts that are absolutely, incredibly, amazingly, beautifully, fantastically, faboulously rocking thus becoming the number one Iyer Jodi on the blog... .if thats taken then we'd go for the No 1 Iyer Jodi from Navi Mumbai on the blog.... and even if thats gone then we'd go for No 1 Iyer Jodi from Navi Mumbai from Road No So and So , Bldg No so and so, Flat No so and so... on the blog.. that nobody can take it...

** Alright we made the last point up to just fill in some empty space.. Iyeropatni would rather defenestrate us than joining as co-authors of this blog... wow... we just used an amazing word... defenestrate... and we are proud of ourselves... alap... here we come...

adios...

Arsenal Procedure...

2006-12-26T15:52:00.001+05:30

We were never really a football buff at the first place. Football for us came once in four years in the form of world cup and an intermittent watching of a Mohun Bagan Vs Tollygunge Agragami club match. But this time around we have taken refuge in football for this particular post and in particular this particular club named " Arsenal" (anything but refuge is what you would make out after reading this post)

Since we have already proclaimed our undying non-love for football, let us also state that this post has nothing... naah... not even lateraly connected to football. This post is about the club we were speaking about " ARSENAL". Little did we know before Friday, 23rd December 2006, that ARSENAL is actually a combination of two words " ARSE and ANAL ". And the next thing we know on Friday is that we are woken up early in the morning... bathed well... and taken to a place fondly known as OT. After about an hour of waiting, we are drugged and in a complete drowsy state of mind, we were surrounded by few covered faces (thank god we didnt carry our wallet, cell phone or valuables) and they begin this surgical procedure for Arsenal Extraction of Fissure/Fistula.

An hour later we find bird and our family waiting for us and we are blabbering stuff in the drowsy state of mind. And bird constantly reminding us of what powermojo did to his family and blurted out things in the drowsy state of mind, thus bringing about the thought to not blabber and bring shame to both him and us. Later in the day when the drugs effect warded off and the PAIN began taking over, we had calls from friends and colleagues, the latter to only inform us that we are missing a Christmas Party Celebration in the office. DAMN THEM...

On discharge, we were handed over a lot of papers to be carried back home and one of them was what they call as "Operative Papers", that these masked men make when doing any kind of surgery. There they had a pictorial representation of our ARSENAL and the the areas where incisions had been made and extractions done. The first thing that came to our mind was that the docs were practicing geometry there and they had converted a full blown (literally) circle in to an OCTAGON by cutting an snipping across numerous edges. We also thought that the mask of zorro (the main guy) wuddav used the fencing technique to get the surgery done, by holding a sword and running it back and across around 10-15 times in circular motion and the procedure would have been done. We wanted to laugh hard... real hard, but we couldnt... it'd hurt... we dont know how it connects but it sure does... it hurts :(

Cut back to present, we have shifted our thoughts from Arsenal to Chelsea (which is a gujju representation of Chaal Se ... which means... Chal Jaayega... which means... it will be alright). And we are hoping that we'd recover sooner or later. We have an important marriage to attend... OURS... in the coming month...

adios...

PS: If you havent gone over, please hop over to abhi's blog and figure out what plans he has for our ARSENAL this new year.

PS2: check out the ads in the bottom of the post... had we written this post earlier... we wudnt have had to do the surgery in the first place :(

Wedding Preparations - I

2006-12-18T20:12:00.000+05:30

Wedding preparations can be quite hectic and can take a toll (greater than the ones charged in the Mumbai Pune Express Highway) on your physical and mental state. We think preparations are more time and energy consuming than the actual wedding itself. We being the groom, being the person needing lesser shopping and all are in this state, so we really cant imagine how Iyeropatni would be. She'd be prolly half dead by now. And in case she doesnt know it, she'd be completely dead on the day of the marriage. We mean how can she survive the taanas and gaanas of people for her mistake of marrying us and deciding to spend her entire precious life with us. But that is something we'd keep for the future and post the yearly/monthly/weekly/daily/hourly/minutely/secondly torture she'd be going thru after marrying us. As usual we digress... and we realise that and come back to the topic of Preparations.

At first hand we figured out from our parents that in Iyer marriages, the groom and the bride is given less importance than the visitors coming in from various parts of tamil nadu and kerala. And how? How would you think would you explain the fact that the first thing we set out for is to look for accomodation for all the guests coming from our gaav instead of going to some designer shoppe and buy ourselves a pair of mojdi or even designer polka dotted football shorts(we'll come to this later) for us? So first thing we run pillar to post to figure out a place where all these dozens of relatives can be put to rest (literally). And surprises of surprises... There is no single hall/dormitory in mumbai that allows night stay. Even the goddamn wedding hall doesnt allow people to stay overnight on the grounds of that area being a residential area... Dont really know where that connects... But the problem still is the fact that our relative Iyers from gaav are going to be stranded. BTW, the issue is yet to be resolved. And in case we dont find a solution to that problem we are planning to distribute stations and platforms amongst our relatives to stay and put up for as long as they want.

Then comes the difficult part, Bridal Jewellery and Sarees. Phew... We must be the first guys to be breathing a sigh of relief on this matter as this was taken care of by Iyeropatni and my to be in laws by shopping for the above at Kerala. Crashing all the schedule in 4 days is quite a task and we agree that our Saas Sasur are quite a task master. So no major hassles for us on that front. Iyeropatni would have had, but she doesnt have a blog... So really cant let out the secrets here...

And the most toughest part (atleast for this post) is the groom's (yours truly's) clothes for the wedding day. Started off with looking for a "decent" pair of clothes to be worn for the reception. The shop guy at first showed us sherwanis and suits and jodhpuris and what nots with so much amount of glitter that it blinded our eyes for a moment. And when we regained our sight back, the prices of those blinded and paralysed our thoughts for the next 1/2 hr. After regaining consciousness and after heavily persuading him that it was a "madraasi" shaadi, did he bring his budgets down to our level. And we've promised ourselves to use the term "madraasi shaadi" everytime somebody uses stuff that is way above our budget. The toughest (within the toughest task) task was to look for the wedding dhoti. Yup, we madrasis wear only dhotis for our marriage. TOPLESS. And this is the most toughestest task to select a dhoti. Why? Think about this... You are supposed to select a dhoti. The shopkeeper comes with a variety of dhotis. The only variety available here is the thin borders on the dhotis. Rest all is white. Do you even imagine how hard is it to select 1 or 2 amongst the 278 white dhotis that is presented in front of you. We felt like we were standing in a "Swayamwar" and all to-be brides were dressed alike with ghoonghat over their faces and we were to select the bride only by looking at the nail polish applied to their toe nails. It actually feels like that :)

And this, my friends, is only the beginning of the preparation. We have some additional things to add on to. Which are much more interesting (read time consuming and boring) as compared to the mundane tasks of selecting a mundu (we like this term... mundane - mundu - mundane - mundu)... And they will follow this post... Please make it a point (not) to read it :)

adios...

K-K-K

2006-12-11T21:12:00.000+05:30

All our predictions made exactly a year ago have gone for a toss...

We have lost our magical future seeing capabilities... A thousand apologies...

Now we have the K-K-K-K-King K-K-K-K-Khan hosting K-K-K-K-KBC III....

Given his prowess to pronounce the word K-K-K-K-KBC III, we'd predict he'll use up 30 mins of the show time in only saying "Welcome (back) to K-K-K-K-K-K-Kaun Banega K-K-K-K-K-Krorepati Tritiya"... (Crorepati is pronounced with a K, in case any of you think we belong to the Ekta Kapoor or Karan Johar or Rakesh Roshan gang)...

We suggest renaming the show to "Raju Ban Gaya Millionaire" or "Raji Ban Gayi Millionaire" (yup Raji is an Iyer name... a short form of Rajalakshmi)... Atleast that way we dont get him to utter and stutter on the 'K' word... And it would suit his " Rahul" boy image too :)

adios...

Beta aur Baap...

2006-12-06T16:13:00.000+05:30

A lot of bloggers have moved their blogs from the normal version to the beta version of the blog. All the advantages of a unified google account and categories and we dont know what all have been offered to these new blog sites. And it seems that we will have to be patient to see a "Blue Button" on our dashboard for us to be able to have access to that. What they dont understand is that until a blue button is visible, they could have atleast shown a "Belly Button" that would have comforted us for atleast some time. And as the old chinese saying goes " Belly Button is better than No Button", they could have kept interest of the fellow bloggers. But then that was not to happen.

*Cut back to present*

We havent been offered the 'beta' that as yet. Looks like we arent cut out for that. We are sure that they must have known that our marriage is lurking around the corner and that it is time for us to have our own beta(or beti... as destiny may have for us). So to possibly avoid any beta treatment to the blog and alpha treatment to my beta/beti, google are yet to offer us the beta form of the blog. Any mortal human being at this point in time would have been frustrated and lost all their good faith in god and google and would have moved onto greener pastures like wordpress, xanga, typepad etc. But given the optimists that we are, we still are sticking to google... and kicking others with our posts. And what is that optimism you'd ask? Read ahead...

Any pessimist would have thought of the fact that they are not cut out for Blogger Beta. But we are a tad different. We think this. " Prolly google is working on another landmark innovation called "Blogger Ka Baap" and ask us to be the first and prestigious (ha) member of Blogger ka Baap... ". Isnt it kind of good to be thinking positive. Given that our blood group is nowhere being close to "B Positive" or even "HIV Positive", it is very surprising for us to maintain this kind of positive thinking. So all kudos to us (donkeys just love to praise their own tails dont they? By this we are not calling ourselves donkeys... we are just terming our thoughts as donkey's tails)

And given the features beta already has, we are sure the baap will have more features. Our positivity tells us that we'd have the following features in "Blogger ka Baap"

BFP: BFP stands for Blogs Family Planning. We'd expect the current blog contirbutors ka funda to change to Maa Blogs and Baap Blogs and they'd plan to have any number of Beta Blogs amongst themselves. And there would be a minimum timeframe of 3 years between two Beta Blogs. This would be made compulsory taking into consideration Bloggers' drive to have beta blogs. And finally we'd have an additional "Nas Bandi" (read Vasectomy) option for the Baap Blogs to put a full stop to any further Beta Blogs.

Auto Categories: We'd have categories assigned automatically to posts. How? Just like Google Ad sense figures out some key words and puts appropriate ads, they could read certain key words from posts and assign auto categories to the posts. Going by the above, we are sure there is only one category assigned to our blog and that category would be "Crap". Dont even try looking for other categories

Programmed Comments: This is one feature that we are eagerly looking forward for. You could save a couple of nice comments as templates in your profile and enable a random function that takes one of these goodie goodie comments and post it on one of your posts under names that you have decide in the profile. More of these comments would make your blog look like a very popular one. We already have some examples for our template and it goes like this " What a brilliant author... Amazing" - Carmen Electra... "You are just out of this world... SETI will surely discover you one day " - Brook Burke... " I feel you should write a book... You'd be a better author than VVS Laxman" - Jessica Alba... "Your content is very light and not at all heavy... just like my weight " - Paris Hilton... what say? nice idea no?

Auto Ajdustable Counters: These, just like the above stated "Programmed Comments" boost up the egos and morales of lesser mortal bloggers like us. Here the users have all the rights to adjust the counters i.e. hits on their blogs. Blogs like ours can suddenly start displaying startling statistics of about a million hits per day. And all this, with just a click of a button and a few key strokes and voila... our blog has more page hits than " www.google.com".

Auto Chat Boxes : This is similar to what was discussed in the Programmed Comments section, but the only difference is that the messages will be available on chat boxes instead of comments. And you could use pre-programmed responses for these messages for your advantage too? We are planning to have the following msgs in the chat box to boost our ego " A/S/L" - Lindsay Lohan (we'd say she's plain dumb... otherwise she could have just checked our profile)... "Can i have your phone number " - Scarlett Johansson ... " Do you provide free backrubs?" - Latticia Casta

With all these features that we will receive in "Blogger ka Baap" version, we'd only say we are more than eager to switch over to that version and dont care for these piddly "beta" versions that will be a passe once the baap is in :)

adios...

Gult Guilty

2006-12-04T15:11:00.000+05:30

Our love for the gult language never seems to cease. Last time around we spoke about the gult word "randi " (it means "to come"... the "please welcome" types you double minded dholkis) that is not too well taken in the Hindi Language. We thought the list ended there...

Until the other day when we were having snacks in office. When one gult colleague of mine, called out to the other gult colleague from across the room screaming "Choosa? Choosa?"... (in an interrogative tone)

To poor non-gults like us, "Choosa?" is a hindi word and in hindi it means "Did you Suck"?... and to top it up, it didnt go down very well with dirty minded people like us... and how can it.... when two guys discuss things like "Did you suck"... and that too in public... and that too at the highest decibel level...

Only after later introspection did we realise that the medium of communication used by these two people was not Hindi, but Telugu... and in telugu "Choosa?" means "Did you see?"... They were checkin out some hot gal out there.... sheeeesh... we and our dirty minds :)

So all you non gults beware of this word too... after all educatiing you guys and taking you to a iyer level is our vision/mission...

adios...

IQ...

2006-11-27T19:35:00.000+05:30

After this short story, we are planning to change the full form of IQ from Intelligence Quotient to Iyer Quotient... Why? Read ahead...

The prez of US of A decided to find out how intelligent were his intelligence agencies. And the best method according to him was to pit them against the best in a game of chess (strategy is the key there). So he invited the best grandmaster, Vishwanathan Anand to play against 4 of his best intelligence agents.

The four of them refused to take on this particular champ, on the excuse that their powers combined were nothing against the brains of the grandmaster. Only after the promise that Anand would use his weaker left hand did they agree to play with him. And surprises of surprises... They LOST...

None of them, including the prez, could imagine the best agents losing to Anand that too with his left hand. This matter had to be resolved. And it finally did, after 684 pages of an enquiry report by the top notch intelligence agencies, it was brought to the notice of the prez that Anand fooled them upfront... and hid the fact from them that he was LEFT HANDED...

Now prez is ready for the second round... and he's pitted another 4 against Anand... this time playing with his "weaker" right hand... Prez definitely has a great research and intelligence team... just that they dont have any IQ (Intelligence Quotient) but they do rank very high with their other IQ (Iyer Quotient)...

adios...

Some Changes

2006-11-24T22:29:00.000+05:30

There are some changes that you would find at Iyerospace.

First, the good news. No more would you find long posts on Iyerospace. We are completely spaced out for the moment. Blame it on our work or on our upcoming marriage (your choice).

Instead you'd find shorties (we'd say this adjective is an exemplification of our good selves... so it suits our height... er... style) of daily humourous happenings in our life. That we suppose will be very far and few, taking into consideration the sad lives we continue to live on a daily basis.

Other than that, we'd still try and blog (given the sadist personality we possess and our penchant to bother our readers with crap).

Here comes the shorty of the day (excluding yours truly)

Central Railways (CR) has come up with a new money earning idea. This idea is going to earn them a lot of money through penalty collections. They are doing this by having hunks... read it again... hunks aka good looking guys as TC's (Ticket Collectors)... We have seen them at CST stations... And all the ladiejj we were eyeing upon, were in turn eyeing upon those hunk TC's. We are definitely sure that more and more women would travel without ticket just to get caught by these good looking guys thus filling up the coffers of CR. Great Idea CR... Kudos...

Now we are waiting for a day when CR would have Sameera Reddy and Udita Goswami as TC's on Vashi Stn. Actually looking at the way they are getting to work in films, we dont think its going to take very long.

adios...

I(yer)sland...

2006-11-15T14:30:00.000+05:30

It has been a long time since we have updated this blog with any piece of so called crap. Now we know that, that in turn is great news for you guys. But we are the worlds lesser known sadists and our closest pals would tell us how we like to make people sad and then make them make all sorts of faces by chewing their heads off. So living upto our true potential we come up with yet another piece of beautiful (read crappy) post for you and you only. (If anyone is still reading this)

Let us first tell you that we are sick and tired of working for someone. That is so unlike IYERS. Most of the Iyers love to work. They love to manage. But most of them won’t take risks by venturing into business. But we do not belong to the traditional Iyer mould and we are planning to start a business. And that is what we are going to showcase in this post… OUR BUSINESS PLAN.

Firstly, upfront, let us break this particular news to you, just in case you missed out this portion of news on BBC, CNN, Aaj Tak, Star News, Sahara Samay, Vaarthaigal, Baatmya and lot of other regional, local and global news channels and news papers. “We have procured an island”. Yup read it again, We have brought an Island and it is on this Island that our business is going to be based out of… Head Quarters, Branches, Corporate Office all of them would be operated from this single island.

For your convenience, we have a snapshot of the Island taken from powerful satellite cameras. Here is a snapshot of the island with a 12X zoom from the earth. Naturally it would look smaller from that far. The location is still to be figured out in understandable terms but for now you can use 112 Lat and 221 Longitude for understanding

Now can you stop admiring the island and come back to the business from out of this island. We are going to have a theme entertainment park on this island. And the theme, without any doubts would be “Iyer”. Surprisingly, this dream destination park will be called “Iyersland”. And the rides on this park will be through donations from the well to do Iyers.

The donation part we say, we have cashed in on the report that says that Iyers are bored of giving donations to temples for building gold gopurams and silver plating the idols and all. They wanted a much more lucrative investment than the current ones that only sends them prasadam packets back home once or twice a year. And this definitely is one helluva lucrative investment we say. And we have also devised one way to laud their generosity and that would be to name the rides after them.

Ranga Rollercoaster – This one’s courtesy of Ranganathan From Reay Road (happy memories for Bird from Reay road… not sure about the ranga part though). The rollercoaster is so designed that it gives you the feeling of traveling in the hilly regions of Konkan Railways (en route Kerala). Hop up and have the time of your life. Specially recommended for people who haven’t had the chance of traveling by Konkan Rail in their lives.

Giri Giant Wheel – This one’s from Sheshagiri or fondly called as Giri mama from Goregaon. This mama has a chain of Iyer stores in his own name. Any southie would know about that popular chain of stores. Diversification of his portfolio has brought him into investing in this ride. And why this particular ride? Because Giri mama has been already taking people for a ride with is chain of stores. And this is just an extension to it.

Dorai Dome – Ths iD dome’s courtesy of Doraiswamy from Dombivili. Yup its not 3D or 4D… its iD. Where i could be any imaginary number that you can think of after sitting in this dome. The i also stands for Iyer, the original clan for which this dome was designed. We’d screen only tamil mythological movies in this dome where the heroes use atleast a quintal of lipstick to look like gods and demi gods. Who wouldn’t pay to watch these movies we say?

Muthulakshmi Merry Go Round – Muthulakshmi maami from Mulund whose world famous in mulund for making round murukkus (chakli in hindi/marathi) has sponsored this ride. She is so attached to things that go round (just like the murukku) that she upfront decided to go ahead and sponsor this ride for the park. We have taken extra care to ensure that the periphery of this ride is similar to the murukkus that this maami makes.

Ananthalakshmi Aqua Dash – Ananthalakshmi maami from Andheri who is famous for making watery appams has sponsored this water ride. The ride that is more slippery than any of the appams this maami has ever made. Should be fun given the background of this maami and her penchant for slippery issues.

For now these are the rides that you will have to do with. And like all growing entertainment parks, we are going to slowly and steadily develop into a full fledged themed-entertainment-park, giving kishkintha and esselworld a run for their money. For now we are not planning to have any food stalls, but we would definitely provide plaintain leaves (free of cost) to the customers to have the food that they have got in their 5 foot long tiffin boxes. Water would be freely available in any and every of the small pools in the park where the customers can take bath along with a dip for their buffaloes, cows, pigs et al if they have them as their pets.

Rest all details will be worked out soon.

adios…

PS1: We are still collecting funds for the park. So all forms of donations/sponsorships are welcome. But please stick to cash only. Rides will be named appropriately.

PS2: The above pic of the allegedly island is our new nameplate for the new house. We know most of you guys have got this. This is only for the help of some “TUBE LIGHTS”

Relationships and Physics…

2006-11-03T12:46:00.000+05:30

Read it again you dirty minds, it is not relationships and physical. It is relationships and physics (the subject). After going through a spate of articles on relationships on various newspapers we have come to the conclusions that the guys who write such articles must have had Physics as their area of specialization in their college days. And this is not any one of the tukkas that we often make at Iyer Education. This is thorough research material that we created during out short hibernation period of about a week.

If you look at these articles the most frequently used words in these articles are “Space” and “Time”. And article after article you find these guys re-iterating the importance of space and time in a relationship. Who else can make such great statements about such important physics related concepts other than people who have studied physics in college? We are also very sure that they have deliberately left out discussing the importance of Mass in a relationship by taking into consideration the sentiments of rotund individuals like us (we are very grateful to them). Now we are digressing. Now we come back to the point.

At first we thought these articles were very helpful and would go a long way in nurturing a relationship. And we followed them. And look what has happened. We strongly recommend you not to go through such articles and even if you do take it with a quintal of salt (you won’t be able to take it at all). We narrate you a set of incidents in our own personal life and our reactions to them Before Reading and After Reading such articles. The two parameters are space and time. And the “mukhya kalakaar” of this would be (your highness) “Iyerospace (IS)” and “Iyeropatni(IP)”

Before Reading

(In BEST bus)

IP: IS, I think I need some space…
IS: Oh sorry, I am so fat I have actually used up your part of the seat too… there… (shifts)
IP: Ohhh shitttt… You are just terrible…
IS: Ehh… Sorry… you still need more space?

(On the road)

IP: I think I need some time…
IS: What a terrible day… You asking me this the day I forgot to wear my watch…
IP: Shut up wise guy… Don’t act too smart…
IS: Eh… what can I do… I am like that only…
IP: Oh shit… just shut up man…

After Reading

(In BEST bus)

IP: IS, I think I need some space… (This time she needed the seat)
IS: Don’t worry. I have taken a place in New Mumbai… Very far from here…
IP: Very smart… Now move your fat butt away from my area of the seat…
IS: No seriously… And that way we’ll meet just once a week… Good for you…
IP: Stop cracking wise cracks… and move… will you?
IS: Saala koi ijjat nahi hai kya mera? Chal bhag…

(On the Road)

IP: I think I need some time…
IS: Don’t you worry… I am working American timings nowadays… 1-10…
IP: Kyun dimaag khaata hai… Just tell me what time is it? I’m getting late…
IS: Sacchi yaar… now I wont bug you with all those calls… You’ll get a lot of time
IP: There’s the train… now shall we go… you are just unbearable…
IS: Alright… what the hell yaar… no value only…

And look what has happened after we began to follow it. We got ENGAGED to Iyeropatni. Can you believe that? That is like being served a 7 year rigorous punishment for being a good guy (the life imprisonment has been reserved for marriage).

And now we think to ourselves. Physics was never our cup of tea (or filter kaapi). That is why we just got enough marks to scrape through into a commerce college. We should have known that. We should have understood that. But these articles, they just have got in half baked physics into our brains (they have left the mass out right?). Now we are working on draining all the physics out of our brains. And at the same time we are also preparing ourselves for rigorous life imprisonment. Need your well wishes (and some gray haired receivers to receive us from the jail after 14 years… a la bollywood film). “Central Jail” here we come… Damn you column writers…

adios…

PS: All of the incidents narrated above are fictional. They have just been created to fill up some empty space on this blog. We didn’t want to add the PS part here, but Iyeropatni is standing with a gun on my head right behind me… So… Bhavnaaon ko samjho yaar…

Where art thou, oh spam commenters?

2006-10-27T12:24:00.000+05:30

Ever since we came to know about this technology called “Word Verification” in Blogging parlance, we are missing something. Something that was so integral to this blog. Something / someone that made look like this blog was a much popular one with double digit comments on each and every post. We are terribly and immensely missing the more popular variety of spam commenters.

We cannot even begin to express out profound feelings for every variety of them. We refrain from doing that because if we try and get to that then we’d cry and we’d make others also cry so much so that Nirupa Roy’s record for tear shedding would be broken in an instant. So as an ode to her we refrain from discussing our emotions and only scope this topic up to the level of discussing the various types of spam commenters. So here’s our ode to the unsung heroes of this blog. The people who filled in the comments section of this blog and made sure that none of the posts had any empty comments.

Cash Day Loaners: These guys come up with excellent schemes that would put the banks around here to shame. Not even CITI or HDFC or HSBC can come up with such schemes. They come up with genius comments like this “Great blog. nice piece of information on it. Taken some help from it in creating my own cash loans blog. Do visit if you need anything.” Now we have a post on KBC and they cash (no pun intended) on it by offering me cash loans. Saala these banks don’t even offer me a paisa under the assumption that we would convert all of them into NPA’s. And these noble souls are ready to give me cash even without knowing me. And NO DOCUMENTATION REQUIRED… what say?

Payday Advance Loaners: These set of people for us sound like our ‘kaamwaali bai’ who keeps asking for advances much in advance of her pay day. These guys come to me with decent (not filthy or dirty) advances. If at all there was an Anti Blank Noise Project then we would put these guys first for making decent advances like “I have bookmarked you for the excellent piece of work that you have put on. I will like your presence at my site on Quick payday advances and see if that can be a help”. Look how they appreciate your work. And we’d need them someday when we use up all our money to have daroo instead of paying our kids’ fees. That day, we’d surely get back to them for some advances to pay the liabilities of school fees.

Student Loaners: On second thoughts, we’d come here asking for loans for our kids’s education. These guys seem to be more dedicated at providing loans for education than the earlier one. And their prospectus reads “I have bookmarked you for the excellent piece of work that you have put on. I will like your presence at my site on student loans and see if that can be a help”. Now have we read that somewhere? Do you also, like us, think that they have copied their material from other prospectuses? We’ll conduct a detailed investigation on that sometime later.

Auto Loaners: The next time we want to buy a vehicle we sure know who to catch hold of. These people. And with the kind of international background and international connection we might as well be eligible for something like a Ferrari or Lamborghini or even Rolls Royce for that matter. These guys are good at relationships and keep sending sweet messages like “hey what a nice site. Your blog is great .regards. Auto loans”. Now they make sure that they don’t get too sweet either. Diabetes is not good naa… that’s why. Rolls Royce… Here we come to own you.

Did anyone notice something common amongst the above kind of commenters. All of them are loaners. All of them have money to spend and enough time to spare to keep commenting on our blogs. These people are like gems (not Cadbury’s wala re). We promise to have a healthy friendship will all of those and we are sure we will need them someday or the other and on that day, these guys will help me out.

Miss you guys a lot… See you around some other time...

Now we end this post with a social service message to all the readers of this blog (1 to be precise… and that figure includes us). We have just got news that there is this blogger (read spam commenter) who’s found a break to the word verification and has started spamming even on blogs with word verification turned on. Some smart bugger we say. Please watch out for him, and don’t come back to us stating that we didn’t warn you beforehand.

adios…

Bollymal Planet…

2006-10-19T19:59:00.000+05:30

This post is yet another of our “precious” predictions for the future. So read it and remember it. Why? Because when you see something like this happening in the year 2036 then you’d remember who predicted it in the first place. So let’s begin with the tedious process of predicting… starting with explaining the premise for the prediction.

Firstly we ask, what is happening today to Bollywood Stars? The answer we say is that it doesn’t matter for most big bollywood stars to make appearances here and there on the idiot box or what they call it as the small screens. Almost all of them have been there and done that with some shows/music videos/advertisements to their name. So we are pretty sure that the link between the bollywood superstars and the small screen has already been established.

Somewhere, deep in the future, these superstars will be so bored of the daily soaps, advertisements, reality shows and other forms of outlets on the small screen that they would channelize all their talents onto a different kennel… er… channel. And this channel is what is known to all you guys as “Animal Planet”. This particular channel would provide all the challenges that would be required for a great actor and a superstar. And you’d find all forms of bollywood superstars in various shows on this particular channel.

And as a part and parcel of this prediction, we give you with a sneak preview of the serials that you’d come across in this channel in the future (year 2036 remember?) and the superstars that you’d find in each of these serials. So that way you could also use this as a ready reckoner for finding your favorite serials. All you have to add is the day and time and lo… you have a ready made TV Guide just for yourself. Oh alright… you can thank us later for that.

Planets Funniest Animals: This is one serial that would make you go ROTFL. Key ingredients of this show include the great names of Keshto, Mehmood, Rajendranath, Johnny Lever et al. Go ahead watch these serials and you’d never need to join any laughter clubs.

Nightmares Of Nature: This serial would be like a JP Dutta multi-starrer. We guess more than 80 percent of bollywood would be featured in here. Some of the more prominent names would be Sumeet Saigal, Kishen Kumar, Kimi Katkar and Zeba Bhaktiar.

Wild On The Set: This would be a post 23:30 program… you know… the… ahem… types. Superstars on this one are quite popular with the common junta and would include the likes of Meghna Naidu, Payal Rohatgi, Mallika Sherawat and last but not the least the legendary SILK SMITHA. (We surely are going to watch this one)

Keepers Of The Forest: Does the name sound sarcastic to you? It doesn’t? It surely does for us as this mega serial is going to include all the superstars involved in the “chinkara” shooting incident. Sallu Bhai, Tabu, Karishma Kapoor, Neelam, Saif Ali Khan are the stars to name a few. All of them are the “true” keepers of the forest. They just don’t know what to keep and what not to keep.

Dangerous Liaisons: Some of the prominent superstars allegedly having links with the underworld would be showcased in this particular serial. Sanju Baba, Govinda, Salman Khan, Nadeem (the music director), Bharat Shah would be some of the more prominent personalities to be seen on this show.

Skill To Survive: Second rung actors would showcase their skills that they use to survive in this industry. Some of the more important names in this show would include Ritiesh Deshmukh, Tusshar Kapoor, Esha Deol, Celina Jaitley.

Up Close And Dangerous: One serial dedicated to all the bad men of bollwood. Everyone starting from Pran, Amrish Puri, Prem Chopra, Ranjit, Shakti Kapoor, Gulshan Grover would make a ghastly appearance on this one.

King Of The Jungle: Only king sized superstars appear on this one. All MCP bashers can go and bash the channel for not including the Queens in the list. Anyhow, this show would include the Big B, King Khan, Amir Khan and other actors ruling the roost today.

In Search Of The Giant Anaconda: This show is wonly and wonly dedicated to the great Kakaji or Rajesh Khanna. Why? Just look at the word Anaconda. Break it up into three pieces and you’d get “Anand Kaun Tha”. And who else in bollywood is the immortal Anand?

Man Eaters: Any guesses? Yes you guessed it correctly. This would be a serial to showcase the biography and the life cycle of the won and wonly Rekha. Don’t miss it in case you don’t know anything about her life.

Keep watching the channel. You’ll enjoy every bit of what you would get to see there.

adios…

PS: Monkey Business is exclusively reserved for us. We are yet to find any takers. Some south Indian channel may surely buy it. And so we continue to hope…

N-Gage...

2006-10-16T17:29:00.000+05:30

On our way to work, we thought we would make a post on our engagement and then post it on this blog. But then we realised what kind of person we are when we read this, a genuine and a beautiful post by our dear friend memphis.

Update 1: Memphis, has deleted the page from his blog. Thorough gentleman that he is. But Google reader saved the day for us and we have this post for you. In complete Italics. We suggest you dont judge memphis by his post. His anger was genuine. Here's the post, courtesy Google Reader.

Before I go on squiggling down 101 ways of bitching and abusing Iyer;

1.) I am angry so I don’t feel like giving a any title to this post
2.) leme try and be the first one to break the news that this tiny mallu/tamil freak has been hiding away from all his friends (Iyer get a life, we understand u wish to be low key but at least inform!!!).

Friends, Our pal Arun Iyer;
a) “Owner of Iyer education”
b) “All in one laughter shows”
c) “who calls a small dog his horse”
d) “doesn’t feel weird wearing boxers and visiting a 5 star hotel”
e) “For whom maruti 800 is like a 1000 Sq. Ft. house”, “who used to stay at Andheri and USED to call us every time he is bored”
f) “who spits in a hotel, if he gets to know that he has to shell out Rs.90 for booze and Rs. 120 as VAT/ Service Tax over and above Rs. 90”
g) “who is half Abhijit’s height”
… man the list is long, is ENGAGED. Yes, this tiny MOFO is now engaged. As in that ceremony where a guy and a girl exchange rings!

We so happy to hear that, and this A**Hole doesn’t believe in sharing the news with us. Iyer, you’re freakishly mean. I don’t know when Abhi and Alap got to know bout this, but I got to know the night before he got engaged. As in if “tomorrow is the ring exchange ceremony so I’ll get to know tonite” that way. Iyer I know when u got engaged but I wont disclose any more details till the time u apologize and treat us .. ok if not treat us ,at least call & say sorry!

Arun, if you reading this stop laughing and feel ashamed, u “confused half mallu half tamil thing!”

I don’t I should spend any more time writing on this hilarious piece of introvert.

INTROVERT! IYER! Ok whatever … as u see m lil angry

Iyer: Congratulations and good luck bro..I know you’re practicing how to be quiet(for ya’ll, trust me on this its very tuff for iyer to be quiet); you’ll be like that after you get married. so peace I’ve got no complaints. and “Belated Happy engagement”

And Iyer, please don’t forget to inform your friends next time you get engaged or married :P

Mind it, at first we got offended. But when we sat thinking over it memphis was damn right. So we dedicate this engagement post to this beautiful piece of article that not just tells you about the engagement but also brings out the real person that Iyer Education really is.

Thanks Memphis for bringing all these points up. Genuinely. Also thanks to Infected for being so forgiving.

So we dedicate the engagement related post at the memphis blog... That is all we have to say...

adios...

PS: If you still havent got any clue of where things are heading, lets just sum things up for you and say it in a nutshell. We are the worstest possible human being alive today on earth.

Update 2: Sweety Pie Memphis (and every other near and dear friend i guess) has forgiven and forgotten all the pathetic acts committed by us and have come up with this... Love you guys...

BIG B’days…

2006-10-11T17:21:00.000+05:30

So what’s so special about Oct 11 out here in India? Not that it is some kind of holiday or something on those lines. Today is the birthday of Amitabh Bachhan. Also known as the BIG B. He is one of the finest actors available in the world today. Point taken we say.

But what we cannot understand in our tiny little minds is the fact that why gazillions of companies are hell bent on celebrating his birthday. Not that we are against it or something like that. But ever since we woke up in the morning all that we have seen and heard about is Amitabh Bachhans birthday and all of that.

TOI has his image on the first page. All news channels are airing congratulations and are taking wishes for him on SMS. Like they care if the SMS reaches him or not. Then there are radio stations taking messages from people on phone and on SMS for the BIG B. Why is this happening? Yeah alright, commercialization, money honey and all that crappola is all the answer for it.

Now that we are in a position to do absolutely nothing about it and just be audience to what is happening. We also believe that we are there for a social cause… equality. So we suggest to all the companies reading this blog (0 to be precise) to also celebrate the birthdays of the following stars so that they also feel special and not left out.

Rakhi Sawant: This is one hell of an occasion we say. And for one day we need to send Special SMS (Smooch Mika Smooch) to this horrendous gorgeous lady. Also companies could use three ladies sized handkerchiefs to make a birthday dress (two piece b!k!n!) for her (We don’t think she needs anymore cloth than that). We also suggest that companies sponsor Z security for her to keep her away from unassuming smoochers and saving media of the disgrace of seeing her after her birthday bash.

Salman Khan: Companies should celebrate his birthday by giving away prizes to the ones who send birthday wishes to him. The prizes should be in the form of “Go take your car and run over up to 3 people on the road and we sponsor your court proceedings” or “Take your safari suit and kill a couple of black bucks and we make sure you are safe”. We mean, what can be a better ode to Salman Khan other than his fans following his footsteps.

Negar Khan/Carol Gracias/Gauhar Khan: Now whats common between these three gals. Not their birthdates you airheads. “Wardrobe Malfunction” is the word. So we suggest that all companies should accept birthday wishes for them on SMS and use all the money collected to buy belts/naadas or any other form of fasteners (feviqwik excluded as its harmful for the skin) for them. What could be better for them other than the guarantee that their clothes won’t fall off in the next ramp walk.

Ekta Kapoor: The companies could organize wrestling/boxing competitions between mother in laws (MIL) and daughter in laws (DIL) as a tribute to this K lady. K lady could also be invited as a guest referee and should be compulsorily put in a handicap match between her and the winner MIL and DIL couple. The beatings she’d get would serve as payback for what she did to the numerous families between 10-11 PM IST.

Himesh Reshammiya: We could have an entire day commemorated to him by asking all radio stations and radio companies to REFRAIN from playing any of his songs on that particular day. We mean everyday we get to hear him innumerable number of times. At least his birthday should be a little change and we should hear none of him. (We predict that once the listener gets used to his birthday then everybody would demand his birthday be celebrated 365 days in a year… 366 days in a leap year if anyone was looking for loopholes)

Iyer Education: Lastly we would celebrate this particular gentleman’s birthday by repeatedly demanding the ISP’s to close the blog. We are sure that this has to be carried out year after year as we have full faith in the government officials and their efficiency in getting things done. So these companies can keep making petitions year after year after year for closing this blog and we give you guarantee that none of that would work and we would exist to torture you for eons to come.

adios…

Iyergiri…

2006-10-06T15:20:00.000+05:30

So what’s hot these days, apart from the weather here though? The only thing that we could think of, after the release of “Lage Raho Munnabhai” was the applicability of Gandhigiri in ones life. You read newspapers, you listen to FM Radio or you change channels, one of the most talked about topic is of course Gandhigiri. And so are the million debates over the fact as to whether gandhian principles are applicable today and would they work or otherwise and many other aspects of the same.

But then there is one unsaid/unspoken principle that rules the life of almost all the tambrahms around the world. And that we would like to call it as “Iyergiri”. The last time that we saw the word ‘giri’ next to anything Iyer was the name of a middle aged mama. His name was “Sheshagiri Iyer”. But other than that, we haven’t seen any giri near Iyers. Not even Ratnagiri comes close to Trishur, even though both of them lie in the same line of Konkan Railways, but lets leave that to Lalooji and his plans for connecting both these places using some Garib Iyer Rath or something on those lines.

So we give you tips and tricks to fall for this good looking gal called Jahnavi (Vidya Balan). Don’t even try using Gandhigiri in real life to impress her. You may fall into unwanted complications. Try using Iyergiri instead. Why? Arey simple yaar… because she is an Iyer. So here’s what you do to sweep Jahnavi (J) off her feet (and send her flying into the air making her do 3 continuous somersaults and then fall flat on her back… alright that’s sick).

Warning: Prior watching of Lage Raho Munnabhai is much preferred in order to understand the circumstances under which the following actions are carried out. And in case you don’t understand what is written here, please sponsor tickets for the movie yourself. Iyer Education does not take the responsibility of sponsoring those tickets for you.

Firstly you go to her grandfather(s) and explain them the advantages of “Curd Rice” (Thair Sadam) for their bodies in such an old age and also explain the various ways in which they can consume the same along with different pickles and so on and so forth. Make sure that you don’t go overboard with preaching stuff like Avial, Sambar, Rasam, Payasam and so on and so forth in the first meeting itself. Take it slowly. One thing at a time. There is nothing more important in the Iyer tradition other than curd rice. Curd Rice is the stepping stone to Iyergiri. Once this stone is stepped, all other stones can be easily taken care of.

Secondly, you take the old people and J to places like Guruvayoor, Trishur, Tirupati, Shirdi, Haridwar and all other devotional and religious places. If you are following Iyergiri then Goa is just not the right place to take these guys. And if you take them to Goa, then all the mehnat that you had done in the first lecture will go in paani. Alternatively you can suggest Lucky Singh to arrange for a tour package to Ashtavinayak or Jyothirlingam for that matter.

Thirdly, when the bungalow is taken away by the builder, you, like all peace loving Iyers should not retaliate and keep mum. And you could suggest taking J and all her old grand fathers to your family place in Vilayannur, Palakkad, Allepy or any other place in kerala or madras for that matter. Please mind that the place need not be a palatial one owned by Raja Ravi Verma or any other south Indian king, but should be enough to occupy 6 oldies, yourself and J. This could also be an opening for you to take J to the backwater rides of kerala and keep all the oldies closer to the country of god, thus making devotional and religious trips easy and perennial throughout the year.

Fourthly, you, along with J should take over the radio station (promoted by worldspace in this case) and start playing the likes of Yesudas, SPB, MS Subbalakshmi, Chitra and lot of other carnatic flavored south Indian music. In between you could also respond to calls of people by suggesting them to become a vaadyaar (pandit) and lootofy people of their monies in ceremonies like marriage, engagement, death of someone etc so that the person could return his father’s money that he lost in the share market. You could also help people who run away from marriages by telling them that how lucky they were that they are not getting married the iyer style and by explaining the rites and rituals of the iyer style marriage, thus scaring them and make them go back to their marriage and continue with their business.

We’d suggest you follow the following steps for the next 245 working days and J is all yours for your entire lifetime. That is our guarantee (which is valid only till tomorrow).

tootles…

IDLY served with JAM...

2006-09-26T15:32:00.000+05:30

We are breaking all the rules here with this post. Gone are the days when you could relish your idli with a nice hot cup of sambhar or the spicy coconut chutney. In the absence of the above two you could also have it with readily stocked up and convenient molaga podi. This time around, we are presenting to you, IDLY served with JAM.

For all those who have begun / thought of beginning to puke at just the thought of devouring idlis with jams, there is respite. Things may not be as bad as you think they are. Read ahead to get the respite (or the lack of it)

The post “Idly with Iyer” from Iyer Education was published in the “JAM” fortnightly magazine issue dated 15th – 29th September 2006. We would like to express our tons of thanks and gallons of gratitude (we likes these terms that we coined) to Rashmi Bansal, the editor of JAM magazine for having the article published there. We would like to also thank (*takes out a 2365 meter long fax roll with names written on it… calculates the estimated time to type them… approximately 23.443 hrs… and consciously decides against it*)… err… err… lets leave that for later.

Here are snapshots of the cover page of the magazine and the page on which the article was published. These are pics and not scans. We are too lazy to even scan them and post them for now. We also like the sketch that they have made for the post with “the fat guy” holding an idli in hand. Let us tell you upfront that it is a sketch/cartoon and not a representation of our real self. So all interested ladiejj can still stay interested in case you are still interested…

And as usual, we end this post with PJ… Please go through it, and in case your instinct tells you to kill us, don’t even bother listening to those silly voices in your heads. They are just there to trouble you…

The next time somebody calls you “lacey”, there are a couple of things that you have to do before you decide to react. Firstly, you’d have to do a background check of this particular person. This is because if this guy/gal turns out to be a mallu, we give you guarantee that they are not making any snide remarks on your exotic / erotic (select the proper adjective yourself) lingerie. Lacey to a mallu is sluggish to an Englishman. In case you didn’t still get it, mallus pronounce Lazy as Lacey. So please do give benefit of the doubt to the poor fellow and in case the person isn’t mallu, then you can take the necessary course of action depending upon circumstances.

adios…

PS: We just checked the JAM website and IDLY with Iyer is featured there as “Taaza Maal”. What an irony we say… stale idlis from Iyerospace stored under Taaza Maal.

Strongest Passwords...

2006-09-19T19:03:00.000+05:30

Password nowadays is becoming the key security issue for a lot of organizations and people alike. For this, a number of organizations are having what they call it as a “Password Policy”. This is what wikipedia has to say about password policy

“A password policy is a set of rules designed to enhance computer security by encouraging users to employ strong passwords and use them properly.”

We think this is enough for now. Intricate details on password policy can be found here.

As per the above definition, a good password policy is the one that is supposed to be encouraging the use of strong passwords rather than weak passwords. And like duffers we always thought passwords were always star rated rather than strong or weak. We always type passwords in ‘*’ no? So passwords for us were more like restaurants and hotels than anything else (blame our education for that). But anyways on further introspection we found out the definition of strong and weak passwords here.

For the benefit of all lethargic people like us, who didn’t click on the above link, a Weak Password is the one which has got all chances to be guessed / hacked by either a person or a program and a Strong Password is the one which is difficult to be guessed / hacked by a person or a program. So all passwords that have your name, DOB or blank passwords are all examples of weak passwords and passwords with a combination of alphabets, characters and symbols are supposed to be examples of strong passwords.

But regardless of the fact of whatever password policy may exist in the organization, there is always an urgent requirement to share/reveal passwords to another person. And yes, it is utmost important for you to take down somebody’s password to do their work or to access something that you don’t have access to. Similarly it is a matter of life and death for you to reveal your password to someone else so that they can mark you present when you are having the time of your life giving an interview in another organization. So there… we have dealt with confidentiality of passwords and also the human urge to break that confidentiality for his/her own purpose.

Now after all that lamba chauda bhaashan (long wide lecture) on strong & weak passwords we have come up with a concept of something called as “Strongest Password”, yup, that too of the superlative degree. According to us, “A Strongest Password is the one that the person cannot guess even after having revealed it... verbally or written”

In case you are highly surprised or think that we have lost it or both, please read the above statement again and we will explain to you what we meant. We very clearly and lucidly meant that a password is strongest when it can still not be guessed in spite of the fact that the password was openly revealed. And you may ask how that is possible. Let us use some conversations to substantiate this point. All the conversations are between two employees within the same organization. (Obviously naa… what’s the point if you give your password out to some other person outside the organization and nothing can be done about it…)

Case 1:

E1: Arey yaar mera ID lock ho gaya hai… tera pwd dega… login karna hai
E2: NahiBatayega (yup that is the password)
E1: Arey yaar pliss bata naa
E2: NahiBatayega bola naa
E1: Saala tu to ekdam @#@$#@#@ hai… I will ask E3…. Hmpf

Case 2:

E1: E2 yaar mereko late hoyega… HRMS mein login kar de naa plissss…
E2: Theek hai… karta hoon… password to bata de…
E1: TereBaapKoPuch (yup… strongest password)
E2: Saala… @#@$@$@... @#@#@#@... tu apne baap ko puch…

Other examples of strongest passwords include “ChalBhag”, “BolaNaaTereko”, “IWillNotReveal” (for the engliss audience… however Hindi will always score much higher in our books), “JaaNaaYaar”, “DimaagMatKhaa”, “ChupKar” and zillions of other possible words.

We mean how much safer can passwords get. You stand in between all the cubicles with your arms spread out (a la di-caprio from Titanic) and yell your password in between all the people at the highest possible decibel and still no one could have the slightest of clue of your password (except if they have already read this post and use it as future reference)… Go ahead… break all barriers of security… have fun

adios

PS1: Passwords should not contain spaces. That is one basic requirement. So none of the above strongest passwords have any spaces… just in case you wanted to know.

PS2: These were real life passwords set by us, ralphie and mundra. Aur haan, please do not try the above stated passwords on any of our accounts that you know of… They wont work…

MP...

2006-09-18T15:23:00.000+05:30

If you are wondering what MP stands for, just wait there… don’t even try and comprehend. Stop it there itself. MP stands for Maha Pakaoogiri… It could also be termed as Monday Pakaoogiri as we are at our very best (read worst) on a Monday morning. So here we go at doing something that we love doing the best… pakaoing the hell out of you…

Firstly we are seeing these entire bans happening everywhere. There are bans on blogs, movies, movie channels, doctors, nurses, sport stars, sports et al and these are like a common phenomenon these days. And who is paying a price for this? Dear old Hariprasad Chaurasiya… All these bans are over-stressing him. He’s reached a near burnout stage now. But the important question is how? We are sure you want to know the reasoning (or the lack of it) behind this entire weird episode. We just have one Hindi quotation to back it up with. It reads, “Naa rahega BANS… naa bajegi BAANSRI”. That’s MP 1 for you.

Secondly, we have teamed up with Himesh Reshammiya to make adulterated (read it as adult rated) songs. Himesh will be composing the tunes and lending the voice to the mystifyingly beautiful lyrics written by us. The first of such songs is called “Sayonee” (very similar to the original one sung by Himesh). The lyrics go like this

“I lust you oh sayonee…
I lust you oh sayonee..
Koi Shaq… What The F@#$”... What do you have to say about that? Yup… MP No 2

Ram Gopal Varma’s “Shiva” is MP No 3. We don’t have words to explain this particular phenomenon except for the fact that our friends were given free tickets to watch this one and they demanded a full refund from the sponsor (of the ticket) to have been put through such rigorous torture.

And like every “Looney Tunes” & “Merrie Melodies” episodes end, we’d like to say… “That’s all folks”

adios…

What the stars have to say?

2006-09-12T20:49:00.000+05:30

No… Neither doing any form of crash course in “Crystal Ball Reading” or “Tarot Card Reading”… Nor are we carrying a bunch of cards and a parrot with us all the time to tell us what your stars have to tell about you, your past, your present and your future. So drop all your Linda Goodman-esque thoughts here itself and then proceed to read this sucker of a post.

Now what we were talking about is the other stars. The stars that shine not in the sky but the ones that dazzle on the screen… Yup… our own Bollywood Superstars (We have left Hollywood out because of our lack of knowledge of English)… And we are not going to talk about what they talk on screen… primarily because they don’t know what they are talking as all the lines are being written by the dialogue writer and secondarily because in some of the cases these are also dubbed by some other person, which essentially means they talk nothing on-screen.

But off-screen, these guys talk a lot (of gibberish). You read interviews, you see interviews, and you see them defending themselves in some sort of mock-court-martials and a lot of other things. And it is trying times like these, that these guys live up to their true potentials (or the lack of it) and blurt out things that makes us laugh amongst many other such piddly things. So here is a list of FST’s (Frequently Said Things) by our very own superstars and a sneak preview into each of these lines and performing post-mortem operations on each and every of these FST’s.

I am playing the typical boy/girl next door… We don’t really know what a typical boy/girl next door really means. We have shifted our residence a couple of times and by god we tell you that none of our neighbors were typical or stereotyped. They surely were typical in their own unique way (weird hairdos, hippy dressing, super-ultra-weird eating habits, yucky and lots of other things so very unique to them). All wierdos we say. And we also wonder why the typical girl next door always has to be “bubbly” if not anything else. We never found a girl next door who was bubbly… actually we never managed to find a girl next door at all. Some researchers say it’s because of our socks that we haven’t washed for the past 23 years, but all those are silly rumors, don’t believe them. But seriously nothing in this world is typical… except the fact that these stars use this word so often.

Mere character ka treatment ekdam alag hai… Oh yes now we know that you suffer from Limphocurcoma-Of-The-Area-Between-Medulla-Oblongata-And-Spinal-Cord. And this kind of disease requires treatment from all faculties of medicines. So they generally drop in a couple of homeopathic sweet tablets in a bitter ayurvedic kaadha and give it to the star through intravenous treatment. We are sure this is what they meant by alag treatment.

My character has shades of grey in it… This certainly could mean one of the two things. One that the actor is going to grow old in the movie. Two, the fact that the actor has a double role of a father-son/mother-daughter in the movie. So you would find shades of grey amply sprinkled over their hair/wig in the movie and it would come as a terrific surprise that this particular actor could look so horrendous in his/her older days. We are sure AK Hangal was always discounted from using this line as this was supposed to be understood by the viewers without even being uttered.

My character is complex and has various layers of emotions… Academically, the last thing that we heard that had layers was cabbages and onions (that makes it two… but then what the heck). But then in filmdom, the inner meaning of layers must be ‘makeup’. They must be applying zillion layers of makeup thus making them look approximately 27.38 years younger than their actual age. We are sure that the inspirations for using this line were the late Rajkumar and Prem Nazir who were playing college going boys in the movie when their real life age had crossed 70’s. The Big B also tried to make a comeback with this line but sadly none of his films worked.

The director gave enough space for me to experiment with my character… The character must surely be a scientist of the first order. Working with Hydro-Chloro-Sodio-Bromide must be like baaye haath ka khel for the character. We mean how much can this guy/gal experiment. The last time we tried experimenting, half of the lab caught fire and the other half was already burnt into ashes. So we always refrain from experimenting. And we suggest that the stars also stop experimenting with immediate effect or else you’d find another movie called “Kabhi Experiment Naa Karna”. And no… no Karan Johar, please don’t take any cues from here we’d say…

To end the post (yippeeee party time for you guys) we only have to say this to all our bollywood stars… Plijj not to make any such statements which are shallow and make no sense to the general public at large (assuming general public = us wonly)… There could be wierdos lurking in some dark corners of the world, noting each of your quotes and making a “collage” of a sucker post out of those…

adios…

Hope...

2006-09-08T21:37:00.000+05:30

The doorbell rang… A slightly elder man walked inside. He held a bag right up close to his armpits. He walked in to the room where the elderly couple was waiting for him eagerly since morning. Getting an appointment with him was always a difficult task. But today was different… It felt like god himself walked in with all the solution to their problems in the bag in his armpit…

The elder man had been a frequent visitor in this house for the last 8 years. So he was very well known to the couple. His frequency would differ every time, sometime in weeks, sometime in months and sometimes he would come in between years. This time around he walked in almost after a month. He took a seat right opposite the elderly couple. He laid the bag down.

A girl served him with water and coffee and walked away, the same girl who opened the door. The elderly gentleman had the water and coffee and took out papers from the bag under and spread them on the table.

All three of them, started scrutinizing the papers that were laid on the table, one after another. The visitor was reading out things to the elderly couple from the paper and the elderly couple was listening intently, as if someone was giving them a discourse on attaining MOKSHA. The visitor took his own sweet little time in analyzing each of the piece of papers and made sure that all the nitty-gritty’s explained to the anxious elderly couple.

One paper followed another and the elderly couple’s faces grew sadder with every passing paper. But yet, they held their hopes and waited for THAT piece of paper that could make them happy again. Something that they never imagined they could be, for the last eight years. And then, the visitor was holding the last piece of hope for the elderly couple. All of the anxiousness and eagerness was clearly evident on the couple’s faces, as if this was the ray of light in a dark 8 year tunnel.

After the last piece of paper was put down, that ray of hope turned into darkness again. The last chance of happiness eluded them, at least for this day. Things became obscure again. Just like they were before the arrival of the visitor. The visitor consoled them and as a thoroughbred professional, charged his fees to this couple and took their leave with a promise to be back with some more papers.

The girl who was watching all of this from the kitchen felt a stream of tears rolling down her cheeks and she wondered why her KUNDLI never matched any guy’s for the last 8 years and would a day ever come when it would?

And the elderly couple and their daughter lived in the hope of a day when it would match…

PS: We are just trying our hands on narration/story telling. Plijj to give us feedback on the same.

adios…

Blogs & Anon Soul Mates…

2006-09-06T21:17:00.000+05:30

We've always had fascination for the concept of blogging. The idea of putting up one's ideas – thoughts – sentiments – emotions – feelings – creativity – sense of humor on public forum for people to read – appreciate – criticize. But most of the people don't know the blogger, unless you are blogging in friends circle wonly. So there is some sort of anonymity to the blogger.

But add another level of anonymity to the already existing anonymity, and we have the real life boy/girl friends of bloggers who, for some strange reason, use anonymous identities to post comments. We have been watching this trend for quite some time. And it does exist on a lot of blogs. The real life boy/girl friends of bloggers use anonymous identities to make similar weird comments and sign them as " you know who" or "your pom pom" or "dearest honey pie".

Now we are not anyone to pass any form of judgments here and make a statement about if this process is right or wrong. But we find the process really hilarious. We will use some anonymous examples to show you how this particular process works.

Firstly, we have this weird pointless post that goes something like this…

"The sky is black and the stars are shining

But like a rabid dog I am always whining

I am not hungry, but still I keep dining

Black all over, like I've been coal mining

Where art thou, the spring is already here

But deep in my heart, there's autumn fear

I am already missing you deeply my dear

Hug me tightly & clean the wax in my ear"

And then amongst the dozens and dozens of people appreciating this abstract piece of art (read crap), you'd find one unassuming but oh-so-obvious comment posted by Mr/Miss Anonymous, that reads this…

"Jo haal dil ka udhar ho raha hai

Woh haal dil ka idhar ho raha hai

Tumhaare kaan mein to sirf wax hai

Mere kaan mein fungus bhi grow raha hai

-Your Pom Pom"

And then we wonder, is this guy/gal really anonymous? We mean he/she has already let out his 'pom pom' identity to the others. So this guy/gal might as well give out their real names coz this 'pom pom' things probably cracks everyone up and adds to the funny quotient of the blog. Then we wonder… probably their real names would be rather weird to give out in the public… eggamples… how about ' haardik' for a guy or lets say 'naagchampa' for a gal. And we end up sympathizing with their situation and let them go. Free them off their real identities and let them quietly assume the 'pom pom' identity for the rest of their sad… er… happy lives.

This is then followed by a comment by the author in reply of the 'pom pom' comment that goes something like this…

"POM POM, I miss you soooo much and your comment reminded me of a famous Jagjit Singh song that we both like sooooooo much… this is for you, my poochoo pom pom…

Unglee se choo lo tum… ear wax clear kar do…

Ek baar sirf nahi… saaf always dear kar do…"

And we think to ourselves, couldn't all this be done offline … or online over emails… Why? Why do we have to go through the torture of a (not so) lovey-dovey couple talking about each other's earwax and ways to get them cleared? And if at all you want to do it, please don't use anonymous personalities. Link them to your real selves, and we would in turn check your blogs to find out what kind of a person you are and thus be able to deduce all the possible attributes of the ear wax that you might possess.

That's all for this pakaoo post…

adios…

Teachers Day!!!

2006-09-05T15:37:00.000+05:30

Your professor at Iyer Education has been touched by the tremendous response that you have given on this sacrosanct day of Teacher’s Day. We have been highly obliged by all the good wishes that you have sent across.

We have liked all the gifts that our students have sent us. In particular, we would like to mention the benana chips, the haluwa and the packaged tender coconut water that has come all the way from kerala. We would also like to thank the students from TamilNadu who have sent in generous dosages of Pongal, Mixchar, Jaangri and Filter Coffee (in short SKC - Sweet Kaaram Coffee) from the famous Saravanabhavan stores.

It is indeed a great pleasure to be a Teacher eh actually a Director of this Iyer Education and it is a heart warming experience to see all of the wonderfully talented students coming here and getting stripped off all their talents, thus becoming one of the worlds best do no gooders.

All you students will be our treasured memorabilia’s in the future, when we can go ahead and proudly say, “This was the bright student, that we have so efficiently converted into a laggard of the very first order… something that he/she never imaged, he/she could have done, without our support…”

Note: All of the above is lies and no one has wished us on this occasion of Teacher’s Day even after bringing out a completely new meaning for the word education

Happy Teachers Day to all my teachers. Plijj overlook the fact that we are running Iyer Education, which is imparting no education at all. But at least we are trying…

adios...

Of wet sarees and iyer jokes…

2006-08-30T19:30:00.000+05:30

Some wise man once said, “Truth is something that never changes… something that is constant…” And we agree to what this person has to say. Truth definitely is not variable. So we are out here discussing something constant. Something that never changes.

So we have this funny habit of logging into our StatCounter account and look for stats of our blog every now and then (if you could allow us to call half an hour as now and then). And as we had stated in some previous posts is the fact that the most hilarious part of the entire procedure is to go through the search keyword list i.e. keywords that people use to search and end up on this blog. Now mind you, that this list keeps changing every day and it has people looking for different things spiritual, technical, and all other sane and insane form of ‘als’. But there are two particular search keywords that are constant… Two keywords that could be related as the eternal truth of Iyer Education– The Blog. We don’t know how… we don’t know why… these two keywords are more inexplicable than some of the popular Night Shyamalan movies. Those two keywords are “wet sarees” and “iyer joke(s)”.

It took some time for us to digest the fact that every single day there is someone looking for ‘wet sarees’ and some other person looking for ‘iyer joke(s)’. There could be more, but these 60 (two per day for a month… assuming that none of them are repeating) are the unlucky ones to have landed up on our blog and thus serve as samples for this particular post. So let us just dissect each of them to bits… something that we love to do ;)

“Ladiejj First” is the basis that we begin with ‘wet sarees’. So what makes people search for wet sarees?

At first, we think of stalwarts like mandakini, zeenat aman and several other south-Indian-late-night-actresses who have branded wet sarees with sensuousness (though we beg to differ on the fat southie heroines) and who need to be re-viewed (yup corporate lingo) in order to ascertain the degree of sensuousness and all other degrees that they manage to raise, which we refrain from discussing on this family blog.

Then, to the wildest of our imagination, there could be people from the research industry, who would be researching on some new form of starch or some new addition to a washing machine, for which they need to figure out gory details of a wet saree, albeit without anyone in them.

This could also include south Indians women owning a large number of nine-yard sarees and needs some form of online help to cut (WET in tamil) them into smaller manageable sizes.

And then there could be another set of horny, corny, porny set of people looking for see-throughs. We think, these are a level above point 1 and we suppose that they need graphic details. So we suggest this set of people to do something called as a “Google Image Search” and save themselves the disgrace of chancing upon this blog.

Warning: If this trend continues for another week, we’d probably have ourselves draped in a wet saree and post it. We might just be able to reduce the number of hits that people look for wet sarees. (Or shall we say, t!ts for wet sarees… cheee… cheee…)

Now coming back to the second search keyword “Iyer joke(s)”. We’d not dissect these set of people or you’ll end up finding mallus looking for iyer jokes, punjus looking for iyer jokes, bongs looking for iyer jokes etc. So instead, we’d rather dissect the concept of “Iyer Joke(s)” itself. So what would fall under the category of an Iyer Joke, that people are looking for, on a daily basis?

A tam-bram having roti, makhni daal and palak paneer instead of thair saadam should rank up there among iyer jokes.

All the iyers making out with all the iyengars in the name of world peace could be a joke worth laughing your guts out.

And finally, yours truly could be one walking roaming (chalta phirta) eggjample of a wonderful iyer joke gone horribly wrong.

After all this hullabaloo, we think we are really close to implementing the statements made in the warning and the day shouldn’t be very far when we find a search keyword that goes “Iyer in a wet saree Joke”. Lets see how many people go for it and take the risk of their life…

Till then…

adios…

English Nouns… Desi Roots…

2006-08-21T18:49:00.000+05:30

Iyer Education comes up with another breakthrough of a research work. The research conducted by someone who doesn't want to be named and who doesn't seek any form of publicity has come up with observations that a lot of nouns in English (Proper Nouns) have their roots in India. Tough to believe… Go ahead and check out the list of words that are waiting to unfold their Indian Origins. So here they go…

Elizabeth Hurley : "Hurley", to begin with, has been picked up from Marathi. "Hurley" in Marathi means "She Lost". Now we know that her name makes perfect sense because she lost in a deal by deciding to marry Arun Nayyar, when some Arun Iyer was more eligible than the former. (We think it's the Brit accent that made Iyer sound like Nayyar and she ended up with the wrong guy )

Van Damme : Van Damme has its root in Tamil. Van Damme in Tamil means "Don't Want" (irrespective of the gender). So when you actually get to say his complete name Jean-Claude Van Damme , it would have meant, "Don't want Jean-Claude". Sir, are you reading this. Now do you know why you don't have too much of a fan following in Tamil Nadu. Care to see some numerologist and change your name? Aah leave it, south Indian or not, nobody watches your movies yaar!!!

Chris Tucker : This guy has his roots in Hindi. And if you have forgotten, let us remind you that Hindi is our national language. In Hindi, Tucker means to fight (as in Mujhse Tucker mat le ). So other than Rush Hour (I & 2) nobody wants to take too much of a Tucker by risking and watching his movies.

Angelina Jolie : This hot lady, on the other hand comes from the soothing backwaters of Kerala. If haven't still got it "Jolie" in mallu means "Work/Business". So it was strictly her business to have " Africa" as one of the options for the name of her kid and not opt other soothing names like "Eranakulam" or "Thiruvananthapuram" from the roots of her name. (Eventually she called her Shiloh). Who knows, she could call the next one " Palakkad" or "Kozhikode". We just have to wait and watch…

Al Pacino : This man on the other hand belongs to the state of Gujarat. "Pacino", in gujju means, "Belonging to later". And just this explanation gives us the idea of why all the performances of this wonderful actor were always ahead of his times. It were all to be enjoyed later… forever…

And finally… yes we have come to the end(party time no?)… we give you the only common noun (for this post) that has its roots in India…

Encyclopedia : This particular word is picked up from a south Indian famous line that a lot of rickshaw pullers in Madras use very commonly. It's "Yenn Cyclea Pidi Ayya". The above means " Please hold my cycle". Now we don't know why these Englishmen used this cycle to describe a book full of knowledge. Strange are these people we say.

adios...

Idly with Iyer…

2006-08-17T17:39:00.000+05:30

Following the success of chat shows on the lines of " Koffee with Karan" and "Rendezvous with Simi Garewal", we have decided to travel on the same lines and have a talk show of our own. And surprisingly (not surprised haan?) we have decided to call it " Idly with Iyer".

There is a tremendous logic that has gone behind the naming of this show. It has been named in such a way that it has both global and South Indian appeal. The name is such that Van Damne would think that this show is about sitting and idling and killing the time away whereas back home, Vishwanathan must be predicting if they'd serve Molaga Podi or Chutney along with the Idly. So in effect, the title itself brings some amount of unpredictability to the show. Now let's look into the nitty gritties of the show.

The dress code for the anchor is going to be very colorful; very unlike the plain black and plain white in the above stated shows. The anchor (yours truly) will be wearing designer lungis (checks, lines, lycra all alike) specially designed by world famous designers like Gucci, Tommi Hilfiger, Armani, Versace etc. Adding contrast to lungis will be contrasting baniyans from world famous brands like Rupa, Amul, Sando etc.

Similarly the sets would be decorated with plantain trees & coconut trees . We'd also have bright and shiny kanjeevaram sarees for curtains. Top it off with kolam (rangoli) made on the floor and a well made NIRAPARA on top of the kolam. So there… the set looks just perfect for the show to begin.

The guests would be welcomed to the soft beats of nadaswaram and panchavadyam. They would be then provided with chukku vellam and coconut water as their welcome drinks. Add to that their welcome snacks in the form of the kerala halwa (or haluva as they like to call it) and banana chips. We are sure by the time all these things have traveled into their tummies, they'd have no place for any Idlys and the host would get to have all of them for himself. *evil grin*

This would be followed by the guests being put to the torture of answering a spate of questions put forward by the host. And NO!!! There would be no prompts in form of cue cards or moving questions behind the camera. All questions would be extempore. Sample questions here are given…

Host: Do you have kids?

Guest1 : Yes

Host : Oh Good!!! Are you married?

Guest1 : *ONE TIGHT SLAP*

Director : *cut cut* #@$%##%#%^%^%… next time do it the other way round…

Host : Are you married?

Guest2 : No

Host : Very well… How many kids do you have?

Guest2 : *One Tight Chamaat*

Director : *cut cut* arey kaun leke aaya yaar is #$^%$%#% ko?

Err… err… let's leave this part at that and move on to the next one…

Then we have the "Formality Quickfire Round " where we use concepts like word matching, match the following, fill in the blanks, True or False (all stolen from leaked question papers of Std. 1 – 5). This would help us fathom the IQ level of the guests thus exposing their "so called" intellect (or the lack of it) to the public at large.

Lastly we have the formality of signing on Idly's. Idly's that were prepared a week before and which have hardened into something more hard and sturdy than a golf ball will be used for this purpose. The guests will be asked to sign on the hard & sturdy Idly with a marker pen and will be stored on a strategic banana leaf decorated with chutney, molaga podi and sambhar.

Then we roll out credits where we thank the Communist Government of Kerala, & AIADMK Government of Tamil Nadu for not interfering with the programme, contents or the producers and directors of the program thus making it a success in terms of production and screening.

Followed by blacking out (of the screen… and not to mention… your minds)

adios…

PS: Coming to your screens shortly… So you better break your TV set with immediate effect… and then don't come back to us stating that we didn't warn you beforehand…

Jargons!!!

2006-08-14T21:14:00.000+05:30

I first right clicked on the word "Jargon" in the MS Word document and found that MS Word doesn't have any synonym attached to it. On further investigation on Dictionary.com, this is what they have to say about the word jargon.

"Nonsensical, incoherent, or meaningless talk.

A hybrid language or dialect; a pidgin.

The specialized or technical language of a trade, profession, or similar group.

Speech or writing having unusual or pretentious vocabulary, convoluted phrasing, and vague meaning" .

The first thing that came to our mind was that this particular website needs to have sub-nested synonyms for explaining the words given in the meaning for a particular word. How else would you explain statement no 4 in the above list. Just go through it and you'd figure out that these guys have a jargon of their own which we need to identity in order to understand something.

But coming back to the main topic, we are here to discuss statement number 3. And that's what jargons are for us. Specialized language of a particular "organization/company" (comes under similar group/trade/profession). And we have to say this… All organizations have their own set of jargons. Regardless of whether any organization has any policies, vision, mission, strategy, work culture, ethics, moral and social responsibility or even employees, they sure do have a jargon of their own. Let us look at this statement at some depth.

Jargons, like roles and responsibilities, flows from top to bottom. 140 years ago some old guy (preferably the founder) must have uttered some god-forsaken word in some wretched clandestine meeting. That in turn were used in communication by the presentees in the meeting and then it percolates to lower levels until it becomes like daily need for the employees at large.

Secondly every organization has its own set of jargons. Regardless of whether you like them or not, regardless of whether you can do with them or not, regardless of whatever, you have to speak in that lingo to look like you are a part of that organization. And one of the primary responsibilities of an employee would be to get himself/herself accustomed to this jargon set.

For some, it would be un-utterables in public spaces, the generous doses of which would be jargons, and without which no statement would look complete. In such places, please avoid the uses of words like " Sorry I goofed up"… your appraisals are going to be pathetic. Instead stand up and say "I f&*#ed up big time" and see your appraisals rising at right angles. And this is no joke; we are speaking out of experience (though we never got appraised, because our expletives were always in local dialect and rather never made any impact on the HR)

For some, it would be usage of difficult words, when you could actually do with simpler alternatives. All along we thought Roster was a result of a spelling mistake with a cock (of the hen type) until someone told us that it was actually Shifts in which people work. It would be so simple to say "my shift timings are 1" instead of " my roster says 1" which sounds more like a mistaken cock drawing your schedule for you. But simplicity is something that people abhor, because they would like to complicate things for themselves so that they could prove that they are superior. So let them be at that…

Then there are jargons, which are of "tricks of the trade" sorts. Which means you have to be up-to-date with those to even be considered as a part of the trade. Words like " stretching", which we thought was a process of de-stressing or relaxing or exercising actually turned out to be spending more hours of work. And like stupid fools we were stuck up with old adages like " night maara re " or "aaj late tak baithega". Now since we are typing this during our work hours, and since we have lots of free time with us, we don't need to stretch. We'd just use up the unproductive office hours for this post ;)

And we are in the process of learning & learning more and more of them. Let us just elucidate the jargons that we have learnt. " Running around like a headless chicken"(We used to have chicken… always boneless… but never headless… so that was something new for us)… "non-issue" (Not an issue was anyday simpler… but this makes it sound so complicated and all)… " lets be candid"(we always thought CANDID was an anti-fungal cream) and lots of other words that currently don't come to our mind.

We'd be more than happy if you could share some of the jargons that you have in your organization (Plijj refrain from using jargons if you are working for some terrorist outfits… We'd rather stay away from a Blog Ban again) …

Happy Independence Day… Jai Hind… Vande Mataram…

dhanyawaad…

Busiyer…

2006-08-11T16:46:00.000+05:30

After years of penance in the VINDHYA mountains and since we have been hit by a sharp blinding light (of a train coming in the opposite direction), we have come to realize that there is something in life which is more difficult that being held up or being busy. And you guys were thinking that the most saddest state was being caught up in between something or being busy with something. Naah… No… Nahi… There is a situation that is more complicated than the ones stated above… It is the situation where a person is " TRYING TO LOOK BUSY" when he/she actually isn't… Are you surprised? The ones who aren't, we bet, have already gone through this phase of trying to look busy. And the ones who are, let us explain that to you.

Take this for example, you have been newly employed and are yet to be allotted a particular project. Now since you don't have anything (specific or unspecific alike) to do, you aren't discounted from coming to workplace. You definitely have to be present from {Begin Office Hours} to {End Office Hours}. Now in such a situation, you need to look like you are busy and have no time on your hand to the people around you… for the purpose of looking hardworking, diligent and many other corporate level adjectives that will look good on your yearly appraisals.

This would have been a easy task in the older days when you could have picked up a hundred files from a closet full of them and put them on your table and act like you go through a different file every day. But now since the file system is not widely available and has been replaced by computers it gets all the more difficult. All you can do is to keep staring into the computer whole day long albeit you are staring on different websites of humor, knowledge, songs, films, search engines and every other possible area of study except probably WORK. And the worst part is that things get repetitive. We mean, given a chance, how many times can you prefer look at the same " search dabba" of Google? So trying to look like all the above-mentioned adjectives in front of your superiors, colleagues and team members is a tough ask. Still sounds simple haan? Let us tell you what we do to look busy… and then probably you'd come to know how EXTREMELY DIFFICULT that is… Here we go…

Drink loads of water. The walk from the desk to the water dispenser and back alone takes 5-10 minutes. Also frequent water drinking equates to frequent loo breaks. We also take frequent coffee breaks. Frequent black coffee intakes also translate into loo breaks. That's some amount of quality time invested we'd say ;).

Keep checking and re-checking old mails. But this, for us, doesn't make too much of a reading, because most of them are gaali galochfying us. And this also includes checking and rechecking of earlier comments, which makes us realize how badly we write and are still continuing to do so.

Using the same Gmail window to talk to people. Now since Gtalk is integrated with Gmail, we use the same window to khapaofy saner mortals like KJ , Kkusum , Winny – The Pooh & Scribz with brute force. (In case you didn't know brute force mixed with khapaoogiri is a lethal combination). We pray for the mental health of these mortals.

Type any crap on MS Word – Delete that crap – Type something new – Delete that crap… and the cycle continues… until something comes up that need not be deleted. And that something, my dear bunties and bublies, is what you get to read here. Yup Blog Posts… (Currently we are working on a mathematical relation between the amount of work one has and the ideas for blog posts. And till now we have found out a direct relationship between the two i.e. more the work, more the ideas and vice versa. Also stated as; more the free time available, lesser the ideas and vice versa.)

Visit bloglines and check for any new posts by any of our fellow bloggers. Sometimes there are updates, but most of the cases end up with no updates and cursing ourselves and our lucks for lack of updates on any fellow bloggers's blogs.

Humors ourselves… We don't need to visit any jokes sites like SantaBanta or Funtoosh. All we have to do is to logon to StatCounter and look for statistics of our blog. And you'd ask where is the humor in that? Actually when we find out details like the search keywords that make people land on this blog, the list cracks us up every single day. Mind you, everyday it has a different list, but every list is hilarious. Let us give you some snippets of today… " dps mms… suhaag raat… shayari dirty joke sms story… contraceptive malad… koon banega crorepati… abhishek bachan education"

Get intellectual for a moment and visit Wikipedia. And the moment the page is loaded; we spend the rest of the time figuring out what to look out for in Wikipedia. And since we have no particular interest as such in anything, we end up looking blankly at the main page and then return to Gmail or MS Word or whatever other application open.

Inspite of all of the above stated techniques, we still find ourselves in a situation where we would like to still look BUSIYER than what we currently are. If you guys have any more ideas of how to look busier with just a computer, please feel free to contribute generously.

adios…

The inevitable SPB…

2006-08-07T21:15:00.000+05:30

We remember that we had made a special mention of SPB in this post. But as a blog that is of the southie flavour, we really don’t think we are doing too much justice to this wonderful singer. So here’s a post about my favourite singer “S P Balasubramaniam”… also known as SPB to almost all the southies. So if there any of you here who think SPB is some sort of chemical compound to cure the allergies of skunk fur, we are sorry to have disappointed you.

Firstly, you go and read all that knowledgeable people have to say about SPB out here. We suggested this because what we have to say about him is anything but knowledgeable and would add no value to whatever the above people had to say about him. We are here to just unravel our thoughts about this great singer. Also being a southie, we really can’t write this man off because 90 out of 100 southie (excluding mallu) songs were sung by SPB. And the other 10 never made it to the audiences… So here’s our ode to south-india’s most favourite singer SPB.

First and foremost SPB is a singer of ALL BASS AND NO TREBLE. You can take sometime to re-read the above and try and make sense out of it. SPB doesn’t have an ounce of treble in his voice. You can try and keep your bass settings to 0 and keep your treble settings at the highest and listen to an SPB song. And it is our promise that this gentleman’s song will still make it sound like you have bass at its highest. All his songs will sound like they are being played on 3D Dolby Surround Sound. (Bryan Adams is on the other extreme of the scale with all treble and no bass… just in case you needed this piece of info)

Secondly, we think, he is the only singer after Kishore Kumar who has his own signature. You’d ask what? We will explain… Kishore Kumar had yoddling as his signature and he used to randomly add yoddles to his songs making them all the more interesting. SPB doesn’t yoddle, but he has signature lines like “hay hay” and “dhat teri ki”, generous dosages of which are added to selective songs and which makes the songs all the more wonderful.

Thirdly, we think SPB is the only singer alive who can make waves out of a particular line of a song. Let us explain… SPB may be the only singer in this country who, when provided with a line of song that needs to be sung like it is moving in a straight line will end up sounding like the line is a moving ECG Graph. And that is no easy task we tell you… Listen to any of his songs and you’ll come to know what we are talking about… (We added images to depict the same, but there is some sort of incompatibility between Blogger and Internet Explorer)

Lastly, we suggest that you listen to the following songs truly gauge the potential of this singer.

Hum Bane Tum Bane from Ek Duje Ke Liye
Batata Wada from Hifazat
Aake Teri Baahon Mein from Vansh
Aaya Mausam Dosti Ka from Maine Pyaar Kiya

And you will find each and everything that we have stated in here. We are proud to have written something on a truly living legend.

adios…

The Iyer Mix…

2006-08-03T20:47:00.000+05:30

All you peepull clickin the mouse…

This is yo DJ (Iyer) in the house…

Gone are the days of original music. They are all a passé. What's rocking today are remixes… You'll find remixes everywhere… You'll find remixes of all sorts… You'll find remixes of all shapes and sizes (this more so applies to the models used in the remix videos… but still)… Remixes are there, and we think they are going to stay here for a long time to come… as long as there are people in the music industry who know nothing about music and still want to make something out of it… And long live those people… not because we love them… but because we are going to be a part of this gang… (Can hear loud shouts of " Please don't do it… Please don't do it"… decides to ignore those voices and move ahead with the post)

Coming to the point of the types of remixes, you'd find "Hip Hop Mix", "Calypso Mix", "Latino Mix ", "Dhol Mix" and many other variants of remixes. Sometimes these names take us away from music to food where we find similar readymade "Idli Mix", "Gulab Jamun Mix", "Kheer Mix" and all others of the same category. And with much difficulty, we bring our minds back to the point of this post. And thats... REMIXES… Now… We have analyzed this segment of the music market and have figured out that there has been no innovation in the remix segment for a very long time. And that this is the right time to cash-in with a new form of remix… something that will take the market by storm… something that is here to stay… that will appeal to both the masses and the classes alike… So ladies and gentlemen… presenting to you… " The Iyer Mix"…

Lets now dig into the details…

Firstly all types of remixes begin with a hip-hop style introduction. So we will also have an introduction for the Iyer Mix. And this is no hip-hop. This would be pure carnatic introductory lines, which go something like. Just one example for now…

All ammas and appas in the house…

Come and wear your dancing blouse… (Dancing shoes is kinda old)

Bring along your kuttans and kuttis…

Pull-up and tighten your dear dhotis… (Adi Talam & Thodi Raagam)

Secondly, the kind of instruments used in the Iyer Mix would be all that belong to South India. Digital sounds are a strict no no. We do not belong to the Rehman league. Generous doses of mridangam, ghatam , veena, nadaswaram, thavil, panchavadyam etc will be used to create a-la Pavarotti orchestra albeit in the southie form. Promoting the of the southie form of music is our onus and this form of promotion will have all the southie instruments played across all the houses ( especially when one picturizes the video on Sameera Reddy or Simran… that's right… the SOUTHIE BOMB WAGON).

Thirdly, frequent utterances of words like "aiyyo", "super", "poda", "patti" in between lyrics will just add that southie effect to the songs. This has been inspired by the hip-hop utterances of " er", "eh", "yo" and the likes. So whenever you listen to "I want to Break Free" followed by "poda patti" and then followed by a nice rendering of nadaswaram, it DEFINITELY is the Iyer Mix of the famous song by Queen. On special occasions we could request SPB to render his favourite " dhat teri ki" or "hay hay" for our songs to just to add that zing to those songs.

So that's the basic framework (pattern for the laymen) for the songs that would be remixed with the "Iyer Mix ". We are using this post as a pre-cursor to the release of our first album "Aapka Khajoor" which contains all the remixed songs of " Himesh Reshammiya" and his album "Aapka Suroor ". We are cashing in on his "talent" (or the lack of it) to compose songs and remix them by the next hour. Watch Out!!! We will screech your ears and screens (and probably crash both of them into pieces) by the next month…

adios…

Mumbai & Navi Mumbai…

2006-07-31T19:35:00.000+05:30

It's almost a month now that we have shifted to Navi Mumbai. Most people laugh at the idea of moving in from a posh locality in Mumbai to a more, lets call it "under developed" Navi Mumbai. Yes there were people of those sorts. And there are people (like our well wishers) who are always happy for whatever we do in life and we'd be always grateful to them. So we thought and decided to make a post differentiating between the two of them trying to bring out the differences that we have been observing for the last one month or so. Please note that the points stated herein are personal in nature and reflect only our thoughts on the above said topics.

Particulars	Mumbai	Navi Mumbai
Status	We believe that Mumbai is up to its brim and getting overcrowded by the hour. Lets say that it's satiated now.	Navi Mumbai is just about making its presence felt and there are people flocking there. So there is some more time for it to be satiated.
Convenience	If you take the traffic part aside, we'd believe that Mumbai is the most convenient place to stay today and you are connected to every place by virtually every mode of transport. Buses, trains, autos, taxis all available in galore. Shopping options for women are close to Infinity (not the mall). Movie theatres galore. The equation is 1 movie and 20 screens in just one area.	Trafffic for now is not too heavy, so to speak. The transport infrastructure of Navi Mumbai is yet to develop. NMMT is nowhere close to BEST when it comes to its services. Taxis are almost inexistent. Autos have a higher fare than its counterpart in Mumbai. Currently has only one over-crowded mall and just a couple of theatres. So the options are pretty much limited
Planning	Virtually inexistent. We believe that things were done at the spur of the moment. Shops and parking lots coming out of nowhere and same goes for buildings et al. Just walk outside any railway station during peak hours in Mumbai and you'll come to know how messed up things are.	Looks like Navi Mumbai has learnt something from Mumbai. Plots are properly allotted. Ample spaces for parking allowed. Yes there are places that are virtually jammed, but they are too far and few in number. And most importantly the scene outside any station is very orderly. Trust us on that.
Security	Things look very secure in Mumbai. Come back from office at 1:00 in the night and you'd still find hustle bustle going around. These are evident signs of how secure this place is.	Land up at any place post 10:30 PM and it will look as deserted as anything that you have seen. There are virtually no people you'd see post 10 – 10:30 PM. So we'd say its not too secure as compared to Mumbai.
Availability	In Mumbai, any place closer to a railway station is always preferred. And such places aren't available readily and if they are, then a premium is charged for such places. Sometimes it becomes unaffordable to get a decent place near a railway station	There are a lot of projects that are being currently developed and proposed that are supposedly to be in and around the railway station. And the prices are comparatively okay. And they are expected to fall as the real estate market is on an all time high nowadays.
Crowd	The crowd would classify into lets say a good mix of class and mass and the ratio depends upon locality to locality.	Most of the crowd in and around this place is the mass crowd. Now that we are here, we'd add the "class" part here too. Just kiddin…
Investment in Estate	With the metro project given a kick-off, all those areas that are covered by the metro are very favorable for investment and they are meant to give you great returns both in the short and the long run.	This being an alternative to Mumbai, the returns on investment in this area would be good only in the long term. Good short term benefits are too far and few.
You'd be here if?	You seek luxurious and comfortable lifestyles with all the amenities available at a stone throw away. And you can bear the peak time traffic.	You seek a quiet and peaceful life, at least for the next couple of years. If you like to be surrounded by hills and all, please do have a look at this place. It rocks.
What we think?	We have spent a major part of our life in Mumbai. So no one can take Mumbai out of our heart. It plain and simply rocks.	It is the beginning of a new affair for us. The first month or so has been good. We would like to build upon this good beginning.

So there… our rational and un biasedviewpoints on Mumbai and Navi Mumbai. We shifted to Navi Mumbai because we had 4 chochlas (whims you can call it in English)

Staying with parents, even after marriage (most important)
Buy a bigger apartment than the existing one
Buy something closer to the station
Tax saving via housing loan repayment

And thankfully we see each of the above four (except point 1… for now) coming true and we are enjoying every bit of staying here. Its all a matter of convenience for us.

adios…

Saudi Jokes…

2006-07-25T13:33:00.000+05:30

Did we just say SAUDI jokes… oops sorry… no offence meant to our blogger friend KJ. We meant SOUTHIE jokes in mallu accent… So here is a set of our homemade PJ's. Sit back and yenjoyyyy

Q How many tams does it take to change a light bulb?

A 2 – One to change and the other to fold the falling mundu (dhoti)

Q How many mallus does it take to change a light bulb?

A 1 – Only if the light bulb is perched on a tall coconut tree.

Q What would you call Superman if it were made in Tamil?

A Superamaniam (Subramaniam)

Q What would Lola Kutty call her kid?

A Pillai (Kutti & Pilla)

Q Why was the mallu fabricator (in kerala) the happiest in Jun – 06?

A Coz all the mallus were discussing about WELD CUP (world cup)…

Did you know about the guy who put a matrimonial ad asking for a mellow woman. He spelt mellow wrongly in the advertisement and today he is suffering with a mallew (antonym) woman.

A tam confession… "At my birth, my father predicted that I could never do anything right in my life. Hence he named me Wronganathan (Ranganathan). I think he was/is right"

Continuing from above, we think, Wronganathan must be a mixture of Bongs and Tams (Bongs would prononce Ranga as Wronga)… Similarly DeboNair must be a mix of Bongs and Mallus… what say?

Total khapaooo mode we are in right now. So we will leave you at that.

adios

Guest Posts...

2006-07-21T20:34:00.000+05:30

Sometime back we saw this concept of "Guest Posts" or whatever they call it, you know the ones where some other person other than the blogger makes a post for the blogger and then the blogger posts them on their blogs as "Guest Posts" giving all the credit to the one who wrote the post. Get it... You see we have to confirm this because we are very bad at explanation, and this is like the base on which the rest of the post is built. If you havent got it as yet, then either quit reading or kill us. I can see a lot of people taking Option 2, so you have only one option. Quit Reading... NOW

The ones who have understood it, must be reading this at this point in time. So we approached a couple of people for guest blogging for us. The catch here was that we couldn't go to people who know us for them to guest blog for us. We mean if we did that, this blog will be full of unwanted and unwarranted truths that you guys dont want to know about us. And we dont take much chances around here... So we went around talking to some people who didnt know us... And here are snippets of what they had to say about us. Some of the people mentioned below arent quite well known personalities so in case you need any details about them, please do let us know, we may throw some light on them and give some more details about them to you guys. Here's what people have to say about us and this blog in particular.

Ameen Sayani

"Bhaaiyon, (unke) Behnon aur mere saare doston ko Ameeeen Sayaaaani ka pyaar bhara namaskaarrrrrrrr... Jee Haan Bhaiyon aur Behnon aaj ham baat karne jaa rahe hain Iyerospace keeeeeeeee... Agar Binaca Sangeetmaala ke baad duniya mein koi pakaooo cheez hai to woh hai Iyerospaaace... Aur haan, ye blog ke jo author haiiiiiii woh ek nakaara aur nalaayak aadmiii haiiiiiiiiii. Jee haan bhaiyon aur behnon, yahan roz ke roz aur hafte ke hafte countdown hota hai duniya ki sabse pakaoo posts kaaaaaa.... Aur tajjub ki baat to yeh hai ki in posts ke baare mein na aapko kuch samajh aata hai, aur naa hamaare dost Iyer kooooooo... To aap kya karenge... Jee haaan is window ko band kijiye aur guruvaar raat ke 9:30 baje 93.5 par mera program suniye aur doosron ko bhi sunaaaiyayyyyy... To bhaiyon aur behnon, tab tak ke liye, good bye, shabba khair aur dhanyawaaaaad"

Md Azharuddin

"Hello... I think, I am here to talk about Iyerospace... I think this is the most boring place to read posts on... I think, the author of this blog, I think, Iyer, is responsible for, I think, ousting me out of Indian cricket... I think the author here has all his support for only Mallus and Tams I think... I think he has left out Telugus and Kannadigas in the dark I think... I think its a big disservice to this community and I think you guys should stop reading such crap and I think you guys should join my solid and spacious gymnasium that I think I have started in Hyderabad... I think in case you need any more details about the gymnasium, I think you should contact either me or I think sangeeta and get the brochures and pamphlets I think... And finally, I think... Thank You!!!"

Michael Holding

"Hollo my dear friends and colleagues. I am here to talk about the worlds worst blog. It is Iyorospace. The corront situation of this blog and bloggor is worse than West Indies cricket team. The posts are trobbling to all the readors. I believe this blog is the anti-thesis of Malcom Marshal. How... Good Qoestion... It is so slow that even a tortle can ron foster than this blog and the slowness can cause slow death. So my request to all of you readers here is to stop reading this blog and contribute something towards West Indies Cricket and grocefully donate to all the piggy bonks that collect money for the entire team... Thonk You..."

Rajnikant

"Aye naaye... *zup zup zup*... I yaam ere to taalk about yay worsst Tamizh fellow and his space... *swooooosh zup zup swoooosh*... Iyerospace is the worst place to get yany farm of Yeducation... *smash tring zing ling zup zup*... Yif you yever want to get yany farm of Yeducation, please watch yany of my moviesssss... *Tring* Arunachalam, *Drishhhh* Maanik Baasha, *Te Dan Te Dan*, BABA, *Dish Dish Dish* yand Chandramukhi. All of these movies defy gravity and much better than Iyerospace that makes you fall on the ground face first... So all of you are welcome yand I will give you with 'Oru Whisky & Oru Masala Dosai' for freee... *Toof Toof Trrrrrrr Dishhhhhhh*... And as they sayyyyy 'Andavan Sonnan Arunachalam Saidaan... *zup zup zup zup zup zup*..."

See how beautifully we managed to rope in less popular personalities to blog for us. And we are generous enough to give some publicity for themselves. And dont each of them underline their undying love for Iyer and Iyerospace. Each of them loves us to bits (they want us that way... IN BITS)... We are sure you would find some popular ones to write something for your blog... what say... Got INSPIYERED by this post or not?

adios...

IyeRomance...

2006-07-19T17:58:00.000+05:30

Little poems have always been found very cute when written by a lover for his/her lovee. This is how people from various professions would lure their lovees by their lovers.

Warning: This may look like some forward material, but let us state this that these are ORIGINAL and not been copied from anywhere. There may be a mix mash of hindi and english so you better be conversant with both these languages for you to understand any of it.

Doctors

My love, till death do us apart...
All surgeries - Bypass and Open heart...
Your love refreshes all my sense...
And yet there is no sight of patients...

Your absence drives me into a rage of fits...
Causes pain that is given by most dentists...
Anesthize me so that i go totally numb...
Without you, I'd say i am plainly dumb...

Lawyers

I looked in you for all possible flaws...
And searched through all the books of laws...
You stole my heart before i even looked...
And find an offence for you to be booked (under)...

I love you from near and from far...
Go ask the judge or even try the Bar...
Your love for me is my daily fodder...
There hammers the judge, "ORDER ORDER"...

Geeks

I've been 'setting' you up like a broadband channel...
Now Plijj grant me access to your control panel...
Errors you wont find and warnings you wont face...
When you give me admin rights on your database...

I wont use too much of your hard disk space or your RAM...
I promise, for you, my love, i am a customizable program...
And dont you worry, I do come with an evaluation version...
Register the full package & trust me you'll have lot of fun...

and finally...

Movie Buffs(Bollywood)

Yeh Dil To Pagal Hai... Hasta hai kabhi Rota hai...
But kya karoon mein... Hai...Kuch Kuch Hota Hai...
Mere Jeevan Saathi... This is not a Gambler's Game...
Ek Duje Ke Liye bane Hum Tum aur yeh hai Amar Prem...

Tere pyaar ne kar diya hai Aawaara Paagal Deewaana...
Ye Dil Hai Ke Maanta Nahi... thoda isko Samjhaana...
Mein ek Kora Kaagaz, ismein tere pyaar ka Rang mila...
Aur black & white se promote karke bana RANGEELA(eastman color)...

adios

PS: Good News!!! The Poet-cum-Shayar in us is already dead now. So you can stop dreading about more shayaris and poems in future posts.

Latesht Headlines...

2006-07-17T21:08:00.000+05:30

Mika kissed Rakhi Sawant on his birthday bash infuriating her. She has taken the media by storm demaning justice. Mika on the other hand has kept his cool and is working on his next music video and our sources tell us that the song is called "Sawant ko lag gayi aag... dil mera aaaaaaa" (Remember Mika's first song... if you dont then, just forget it)

Zinadine Zidane blew up France's chances (of winning the world cup) by head butting the opponent's defender in his last football appearance. Our sources tell us that this has opened an all new career option for Zizou after his retirement. The makers of He-man serial have signed Zizou for the role of RAM-Man in the multi-billion-dollar television serial which is supposed to be hitting the screens next year. We wish him all the best in his new role

Actress Jaimala has been supposedly entered into the Guinness Book of World Records for making the most delayed confession which stood at 19 years. She has also entered into the record books for breaking the previous record by a stunning 18 years and 358 days. 7 days was the most delayed for making a confession before her. Inside sources also reveal that Iyer Education is on the way to break Jaimala's record by making a confession of his unwanted existence after 27 years.

Altaf Raja's hit the charts with a song (that we also dont remember) where Priti Jhangiani moves/grooves her legs and hips to Altaf Raja's tunes. This is supposedly confusing to the the fans of Indi-pop. What has confused them is the fact that they really cant make out if this is the comeback vehicle for Altaf Raja or Priti Jhangiani. In any case, we have all reasons to believe that both of them need to have a come back vehicle. Dev Anand is supposedly signing Altaf Raja to sing for him and Priti Jhangiani for the role of his MOM in his upcoming venture

And in the above stated confusion, the person who is using this confusion to his advantage is Himmesh Reshammiya. He's released a staggerring 3,584 songs and music videos which are personally "composed and sung" by him. The last time we were hit by such an attack was in the movie "Hum Saath Saath Hain" which had some 43,000 characters each singing a song at various points in the movie.

Talking about Himesh Reshammiya, he claims that he has another thousand such songs up his sleeve(also called as a song bank). Hearing this, a world wide VIBGYOR alert has been ordered and the fighters of organized crime and terrorism have "tagged" him as "Possessor of Weapons of Mass Destruction" and the entire squad is out to search for those thousands of WMD's which need to be found out and diffused. The search is on and nothing has been found as yet. Something similar is being investigated on Iyer Education and his posts.

Mumbai Municipal corporation have appointed the late NOAH(of ark fame) as the "Strategic Anti-Deluge Consultant". He's on the BMC's payroll for the next 5 years and will consult mumbai on how to keep away from deluges. Sources say that that a very high amount has been spent on his consultation charges and higher amounts are provided to him as "Transportation" charges. The BMC has learnt to counter torrential rains that can last upto 41 days and 41 nights. Anything above that is supposedly nature's wrath and cannot be dealth with.

Thats all pakaoogiri for now. Will see you guys later with updates, as and when received. Till then this is Iyerospace signing off from Blogspot.com...

adios...

Nusrat Fateh IYER Khan...

2006-07-13T16:05:00.000+05:30

We by ourselves have never been able to come up with ideas that could have been converted into posts. We are neither that intelligent nor that talented. We seek the support of "Talent Finders" for us to discover our talent and then make up posts about certain things. All fellow bloggers ( Abhi, Alap, Bird, Apoo, Scribz, Idea) have helped us tremendously in coming up with ideas galore.

But this time around, a pointless converstation over GTalk with lesser popular blogger (okay... VERY VERY POPULAR) has inspiyered us to come up with this post. So a million thanks to Kusum Rohra for helping us unearth the hidden idea about the upcoming post.

This post is about late "Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan"(NFAK). He is a legend in his own rights and his style of singing and songs. We have no words to describe anything about him. Please go ahead and read every possible detail about him over here.

Disclaimer: This post in no way or form is made to showcase the works of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan in bad light. So please do not consider this as an insult to his songs or his style. All of the below stated texts are fictional and have been used in pure humour. We are too piddly in comparison to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan to make any judgements or make fun of him .

Now, coming back to the main point of contention of this post is that we have been the source of INSPIYERATION for most of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's superhit songs . We know that it is a very difficult thing to digest (just like Dabur Pudinhara) but in case you havent been able to swallow the above, let us repeat it again. We have been the source of INSPIYERATION for most of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's superhit songs .

By this time, most of the readers (one to be precise) will have doubts as to how can Iyer make such a claim (others would surely dismiss this claim). Don't you worry. We have proof here... and by proof we mean SOLID proof and not just LIQUID or GASEOUS proof. Aur waise bhi to PROOF hi present karne aaye hai ham yahan. So here's the proof. IRREFUTABLE PROOF... And by the end of this post, you will also believe that the songs were TRULY INSPIYERED by us. So there...

NFAK spent just one day with us or let us put it the other way round. we just spent one day with him and he came up with the most famous songs of all times.

The first glimpse of us and that glimpse was enough for him to pen "Kitna Kala Tujhe Rab Ne Banaya... Dil Kare Maarta Rava " and everyone knows how famous that song became. Even Amir Khan sang a copied version of that song to Karishma Kapoor in Raja Hindustani. Bally Sagoo also made a remix of the song which featured Arjun Rampal.

A little jaan pehchaan with Iyer and he came to know how disorganized and unplanned Iyer was and that was the theme of his next super hit " Dumb (guy) Must (use) Calendar". Like they rightly say "Everybody in life has a purpose, even if it is to serve as a bad example (and inspire superhit songs)"

Then as usual we discussed music and we stated that our favourite singer was Kumar Sanu. We also stated that he (Kumar Sanu) wasn't melodious or something but that all his songs made us restless. And this was the theme of his third famous superhit song " Sanu Ik Pal Chain Na Aawe". Did anyone of you know that this was dedicated to Kumar Sanu? Now you know...

Some deep conversation made NFAK quite sure that Iyer knows nothing about music or anything else under the sun. Iyer was more shallow than an palmful of water (chullu bhar paani). And he had to warn the other people about the same and obviously the warning was passed through to other people by a song called " Kisiko Iyer Na Mile" (link). We think Kavita Krishnamurthy sang the same song for some Hindi Movie.

NFAK couldnt bear us anymore and left us. We were heart-broken and like all heartbroken Devdas' we too visited a Bar all by ourselves and got ourselves drunk out of proportion and were walking on the roads like a drunk (red) bull. And NFAK spots us walking the walk of the drunk, comes to the conclusion that we are really drunk and pens down " PIYA RE... PIYA RE". Parveen Dabas looks awfully madrasi in that video (remember?)

Kind hearted that NFAK is, he decides to drop us home. But there was commotion there when our folks find out that we are drunk. That commotion created by my folks and the entire funny scenario was one of the most famous songs of all times " Iyer Peeke Ghar Aaya" . You must have seen Madhuri Dixit tapping her feet and hips to that song in Yaarana.

So there... Proof submitted... So next time onwards whenever you listen to any of the above stated songs, you sure know the source of INSPIYERATION behind all of those...

adios…

Apple, Acer, AMD

2006-07-10T21:21:00.000+05:30

This is the name of the new sci-fi, computer-driven, jet-age movie that we are planning to make, which is based on the the orignal Manmohan Desai movie "Amar Akbar Anthony". So sit back, relax and DONT EVEN bother to make sense out of this... Just as you usually do.

Disclaimer: If you havent seen "Amar, Akbar, Anthony", plijj and we repeat, PLIJJJJ do not go ahead... Oh... and get a life... Watch "Amar, Akbar, Anthony" and come back and read this post.

Mainframe Roy & Basic Pran have three little inventions of their own. And before they could add any functionality to the the three, all five of them get seperated from each other in a ghastly incident.

Mainframe Roy loses her LED's to a ghastly accident and Basic Pran progresses onto becoming VB.Net Pran, piggybacking on a wealthy but cruel businessmen. In the meanwhile the three inventions are commercialized by three different wealthy businessmen and they are programmed to be

Apple iPOD (ref Amar)

Acer Laptop (ref Akbar)

AMD Processor (ref Anthony)

All three of them grow up seperately and there is a Manmohan desai-esque moment when Mainframe Roy runs out of power and she is supplied by alternate current by all three of them albeit without the knowledge of each other. This incident brings Acer and AMD together and they integrate together very well(Thats why you find AMD processors on ACER laptops). Apple on the other hand remains aloof as he is supposedly a niche product and is being used only by elitists.

Then, as usual in all Bollywood movies. Apple, Acer & AMD fall in love with Songs, Sleekness & Speed (Something to do with 'S' we say) respectively and they have their share of integration (of a different level) happening with each other. Speed(of coding and delivery) is being provided by VB.net Pran (everyone knows that).

Then in a bizzarre incident in a Cyber-Baba Cybercafe (ref Sai-baba Temple), Mainframe Roy restores her LED's back. This brings back to life her processing power. Mainframe roy then recognizes the marks that she made on Apple, ACER & AMD with a Faber Castell permanent marker and realises that these three products are her own brainchild and that she has to reclaim the Trademarks from their respective owners. At the same time she also processes the underlying compiler of VB.net Pran and realises that the functions in them are nothing but the functions of Basic Pran, thus getting her husband back.

Firstly, VB.NET Pran is made to realise the truth and he starts running his compiler on Mainframe Roy. Later, slowly, one after the other Apple, Acer & AMD are told about their roots and after the initial setbacks all three of them integrate together. Now "The Apple iPod can be charged on an ACER laptop that is powered by the AMD processor". And they integrate happily ever after.

And before you guys can jump over to "The End"... there is the title song that goes like this...

"Audio, Video aur Processing ko kare ye SIMPLY...
Audio, Video aur Processing ko kare ye SIMPLY...
Ek jagah jab jama ho teeno... APPLE... ACER... AMD...
APPLE... ACER... AMD... APPLE... ACER... AMD..."

adios...

Intiyernational Cuisines...

2006-07-07T21:07:00.000+05:30

My dear Bunties & Bubblies...

Presenting to you the International Iyer cuisine... Also popularly known as Intiyernational Cuisine...

So if you are already feeling that you are in "Gordon Ramsay's HELL'S KITCHEN" then do not forget to thank the author for creating such a wonderful, delicious and wholesome atmosphere

Thai: All Thai curries will be different avataars either sambars or vattal kolambus and they would be served with steamed rice. Thai is the closest to the Iyer Cuisine we say.

Japanese: Sushi would mean raw banana served with coconut chutney. Want it to give it a try?.

Americans: Pizzas would have Uttappams for the base and they would be served with molagapodi (curry powder) instead of oregano for seasoning.

British: Earl Grey Tea will be replaced by Dark Brown Filter Kaapi. Grey is no color at all.

Germans: Hamburgers would have Avial (mixed vegetable) between two Idlis & Mcdonalds would call it Mc AVial Idli(Mc Aloo Tikki).

Italians: Pastas & Spaghettis would taste like steamed appalams (southie form of papads).

French: Exquisite wines would be all offshoots of the world famous RASAM. And you may RAIN & DINE in style.

Mexican: We'd have friend Karavadams (fryums) for tortilla chips and they would be served with thair pachadi (curry made of curd) for dip.

Lebanese: Shawarma would be replaced with Veg Upma and this same Upma will be rolled onto the Pita Bread and given to you. Awesome and wholesome breakfast we'd say.

The last and the best....

Chinese: You'd find fried rice served with Curd as the accompanying gravy. We are sure it'd taste awesome.

The above are already available at all the world famous south indian mess on all MG Roads, SV Roads and Highways of the golden quadrilateral... Okay just kidding... none of them will be found anywhere other than Iyerospace. So there...

adios...

Contact Centiyer...

2006-06-30T14:44:00.000+05:30

We at Iyerospace believe in the fundamental right of equality. To start with, South Indians should be given equal rights with all the Americans, the British and all other foreign nationals. Why you may ask? Because they deserve them… How you may ask? Because we say so… simple…

The simplest way to make south Indians equal to the other counterparts is to start a contact center that is focused on servicing the South Indians. And we call it as " Contact Centiyer" (if you haven't guessed it by now then "happy realization").

The concept is very simple. Like the existing contact centers, we'd hire every possible Indian from every zone except the south zone (have you heard US contact centers hiring Americans to work for it). Once the hiring is done, great efforts would be spent in "accent" training so that the Southies who call in feel the ease in communication and do not feel that they are talking to some aliens from Jhumri Talaiya. And once this arduous task is done, we proceed with the normal contact center training, which is focused at irritating the caller to the core by asking stupid and unnecessary questions thus delivering great experience to the southie callers. And here are certain snippets of the communication at this contact center… Stay back… enjoy and have some fun…

Call 1:

Caller (C): Hellow, this is Chandrasekhara Babu Reddy calling and I need information on some tasty hyderabadi Biryani.

Executive (E): Sorry saar, as per our records Babu Reddy's are from AP and you have chosen the wrong menu and have reached the kannada zone.

C: But I thaaat all south Indians are yentertained heyer…

E: Yes sar, you aar rrright, but you selected the wrong menew. I will trrransfer you back to the mayan menew and you press 2 and 2 to reach AP zone. Please hold the line and thank you for calling South Yindia Condact Zone. Haaav a good day saar .

Call 2:

C: Heylew… Thisss isss Unnikrishan Panicker calling… Iyy need zome info on Kozhikode Meen (Fish) Fry…

E: Thengew vairry much saare… For zegurity reazzons can I haav the last four aalphaabets of yuvar naadu (village)…

C: Yit yis "ooor". (2 out of 3 villages in kerala end with 'ooor')

E: Thengew vaiiry much saare… but this returned lyot of resssults… hundret aand tyondy to be precise… caan I haav the first four aalphaabets of yuvar naadu ?

C: But why should it maattar… I yam colling from gelf… Wogay… Yit Yis… "Maam"

E: The resssults have wonly naarowed down by tyolve… thaat meansss still hundred aand yeight are laft… Can I have the pincode saare… Daat way yit yis easssssier …

C: Leave it da patti (dog)… in syo mech time I caaan go to kozhikode, get the meen disssshh and come back… you stewpidd peopull…

E: Thengew saare for colling South Yindia Condaact Sone. Haav a goodj daay.

Call 3:

C: Heylo, thisss yis Krishnamurthy Varadarajan Iyer kaaaling… I want some info on the next amavasai dates…

E: Thangew saar, but for security reasonsssss, kaan you tell me if yuvar Krishnamurthy with a 'y' or Krishnamurthi with an 'i'?

C: Krishnamurthy with yay 'Y'… clearaa?

E: Yes saar… The next ammavaasai date faaals tomorrow saar…

C: Thaang you…

E: Saar, would you like to subssscribe to our new offer on carnatic YUMPHEETHREE songs… It's free for the first year… Do you waaaant me to give you dedails …

C: Thaang you da kanna… I listen to DEEP PURPLE… thaangs but no thaangs… (Hangs up)

After lot of strenuous efforts, we managed to reread the above and we have decided to call the idea quits for the betterment of the south Indian community. Thengew vaiiiry much for putting up with an idea that never works in the first place…

adios…

PS: This is the work that we are doing right now in our new workplace :)… and going by the trend in the first couple of days here… working here should be fun we'd say…