Monday, October 27, 2008

Happy Diwali..

We here at Iyerospace wish All of you Readers (albeit, our dean always asks us to use Both instead of All, which according to him depicts the right number of people) a Happy Diwali and a Prosperous New Year.

Here are our wishes for Diwali...

We wish that..
.. you keep exploding crackers throughout the coming year unlike this year where the stocks and the stock market exploded instead of the crackers

.. the prices of your stocks keep going up with every session just like Akshay Kumar's market valuation goes up after every film that he completes

.. the upcoming year be peaceful without any Himesh music or Movie releases

.. there are no more reality(dance/singing) shows on television in the next year

.. Rajnikant gets a super super super star status just like sri sri sri ravi shankar. And that his roles (rajni's) in guest appearances be longer than the protagonist's

.. some of the elder cricket players declare their retirement and give company to Dada

.. you get wisdom and peace of mind by not reading this blog anymore

We thank you profusely for all the flowers, wishes, sweets, crackers that you didn't send across...

Happy Diwali again...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Tandoori Nights...

is the title of a song from Himmesh Reshammiya's (HR) latest movie title called KARZZZ out of which we suppose KAR is silent in the title and the only thing worthwhile must be ZZZ...

And before you begin to wander your thoughts, we havent committed the henious crime of going and watching that movie... it definitely isn't our FARZZZ to watch his KARZZZ... but we thought it would be a good idea of letting our imagination's horses run helter-skelter and come up with the possible story in this film... So here goes our version of KARZZZ which might put HR'S version to shame...


Mr Previous Janam (PJ) is a ultra-super-rich-brat of a kid who's got loads of money to throw. He is in love with Ms Jawaan Across Janams (JAJ) and they decide to get married. Once they are married, they drive to PJ's house to meet his mom and take ashirwaad. On the way there is a house of horror on the road, where PJ wants to take a look at whereas JAJ stays back in the car. PJ has a running nose. As PJ is just out of the house of horrors after a "hair raising" experience with an inhaler up his nose (to treat his running nose), JAJ kills him by repeatedly banging him with his own jeep and PJ dies a death with the inhaler in his nose and his hair still raised...

Cut to current janam we have HR singing and recording ultra numerous songs which are being disliked by a lot of people but at the same time these songs are considered to be a runaway hit... HR suddenly becomes a rockstar.. with two strange gifts... one a cap.. and second a nasal voice... He likes little girls (the ones below the age of 18) and one such kid...err... "little girl with good make up to look ladylike" falls in love with him and they become a pair... in this janam

HR is happy with himself and his life, his newly signed contracts on reality shows et al.... but deep at heart, he is seeking answers... primarily he is looking for the source of his two gifted talents... his cap and his voice... and he is troubled by a series of dreams that depict some guy with an inhaler and spiked hair being crashed and thrashed by a car... over and over again... He consults his dream catcher who attaches certain strings to HR's dream and manages to read a board on the dream that says "Bhalej".. That's the place where answers could be found...

HR, along with the kid...er... his love life... goes to Bhalej and finds the spot of his dreams with a tattered house of horrors. That is where he uses his singing prowess to invoke ghosts and gets to know the past life's story from them... Now he has a very clear picture of what has to be done... to get his revenge from Ms JAJ.. who still for some reason looks the same... like she'd just walked out of his dreams and right in front of him...

He begins executing his plans one by one... Firstly, he had to gain popularity ... and since negative popularity is far more potent than positive one... he goes about insulting music directors and musicians driving him on top of every chart... He then goes ahead to get a hair transplant... which failed miserably... which is replaced by having some fashionable japanese wig that gives him PJ's hair raised looks... This is then followed by stalking JAJ and making her feel like a kid... er... young lady... that she isn't, thus making her feel younger and HR comfortable (since he's always comfortable around kids... er... young ladies)... Now HR and JAJ are a pair... and JAJ is ready to do anything for HR... absolutely anything.....

... that includes coming to an Exclusive HR show at Hotel "Tandoori Nights", the most popular club in that constituency... JAJ, when turns out for the show finds that she is the only one who is there in the hotel.. and the invite actually turned out to be Ram Gopal Varma's Challenge... HR was Ramu's horror heist... and JAJ had to put up with him all by herself... which sadly she didn't and by the end of the second song... she was resting in peace... in a lot of pieces... waiting to be picked up by PJ from above... and HR got his revenge...

But the challenge is still there, for anyone to take... three hours, all alone with HR in hotel Tandoori Nights... all he awaits is the next challenger...

adios...

PS: We saw the video of this song and we think what they really mean is "Tan Doori Nights" (keep bodies away night... probably because no-one was properly deodorized)

Monday, October 13, 2008

Resignations & Good Byes

Before you begin to rejoice on the fact that Iyer Education has resigned (to fate)... and is around for taking the last bow, let us be the first to tell you that IT IS NOT SO...

Now that we are done with the opening lines, here is one thing that has kept us thinking... very profoundly... How can people, who write such torturous and horrendous (official)emails (that excludes us), write so wonderful resignation mails and good bye emails.

The most obvious reason is that we are getting templates for almost everything under the sun. All we have to do is do a search on any of the popular search engines and we can get a list of templates that would span across, leave letters to your teacher and goes all the way up to letters/speeches to become the next president of the United States of Airoli.

Here is my friend from this office taking the help of such a website. Enjoy and spread the word...

Name: Gobbledygook
Nick: The school days letter writer
USP: Salutation and the first word of a new paragraph always begins on the center of the email.

Official Email(his language): I got a mail from ABC, When i am installing this software an error will come (we think he is trying to explain that he's getting an error). This installation package could not be opened. Contact the application vendor to verify that this is a valid windows installer package.

Resignation Letter(website help)
: This is to inform you that, Due to my some personal Problems, I need to relocate back to xxx with my family, I have a remorse feeling (now this guy is talking super-hi-fi english)with me while informing you that I would not be continue with this job in future. Please treat this as my advance notice to the company. I would like to take this opportunity to thanks to all of you for your great help and guidance during this tenure of my job. It would be appreciated if I will get my clearance letter and all formalities completed by xxx. Thanks

Did we mention that the salutation and the paragraph begun on the center of the mail body. At least something was original

We wish this guy would blog, and we find his blog address... It'd be fun reading his posts

adios...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

IyerOlympics...

Its been long since we wrote an Iyer post.

Its also been long since the last time we saw Olympics before 2008. At this point we'd rather say, it will be quite a long time before we see India's medal tally take another hike from the current 3, but that's not the point in consideration. We are trying to harp upon the "good things don't happen very frequently" tagline to cover the fact that we are running out of I(yer)deas.

So we thought it would be an ideal combination for us to have a new set of sports where Iyers from all over the world can get together once every four years and play some kind of sports and drive a million of political agendas (which is the obvious reason behind having such an event in the first place).

Since we'd have Iyers from all over the countries and managing such a large number of countries would be difficult, we'd have teams based on Gotras and not countries. That way every single person can have an ancestral connection and thus every single Iyer would give his/her best to please the rishi of their ancestor.

The opening ceremony would be something to really watch out for. Shiny silk veshtis and shinier silk maroon nine yard sarees would be the dress code for the opening ceremony and each of the gotra representative would be carrying a large sized photo of their family god followed by the team carrying a photo of their village god followed by other people in the team carrying a photo of the god of their liking and so on and so forth. (The representative would be the guy/gal from the respective gotra who scored the maximum in their 10th or 12th Standard)

Some of the events to watch out for in this olympics would be

1 Ltr / 2 Ltr / 5 Ltr Payasam Pounce:To eat payasam clean out of the banana leaf. The fastest one with the cleanest leaf wins

100 ML / 200 ML / 800 ML Rasam Race:To stop rasam from dripping out of the leaf. The one who can accomodate most portions of rasam before it spills out is the winner.

7718 Mile OnSite Marathon: Here we create a virtual race for folks to apply for jobs, visas and work permits and the likes. The one to do all of this and get onsite at the earliest wins. (7718 miles is the distance between Mumbai and New York)

Oh!! Did we forget about the torch and the torch bearers, who are a "unique" concept of this IyerOlympics? No we didn't... The torch and the torch bearers would be medium-tiny sized homa kundas which would be used to perform all kinds of homams and yagnams and all kinds of ahutis being offered to gods by the various teams when they are being handed over from one team to another.

About the Podium... yes we do have podiums at Iyerolympics... and they will be made out of old and worn out "golu stands" (we definitely believe in recycling you see).. and we would loudly play the mantra/bhajan of the family/village diety of the gold medal winner...

And finally the closing ceremony will see some things you have never seen before in any of the Olympics... Distribution of flowers, prasadam, coconut, chandan and kumkum to every single person attending the closing ceremony...

now we have come to a close... see you after 4 years...

adios

ps: fellow iyers: offend not... have fun...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Brand Bindra...

cool... India gets its first individual gold medal in olympics and we are very proud of it...

Everyone on the television and on every other media (including blogs) are cashing on Brand Bindra.. so did we... and this is our earnest attempt to land a page hit everytime someone searches for either Bindra or Olympic Gold Medal etc...

Anyways, we couldn'd be more happy for this lad yesterday after which we woke up today morning to find this lad surrounded by every little bureaucrat belonging to the sports ministry / olympic committee of india / any other sundry organization giving interviews to gazillions of channels claiming their stake at this lad's success...

We opened the papers to find every single sportsman / businessman / minister / official congratulating this guy... We decide to watch television again to see channels accepting earnest congratulatory "SMS" for Bindra...

All of this for a guy who is so unassuming... who actually looks like being in Beijing for an IIM interview more than anything else...

And this is our tribute to him (more importantly, our contribution to the Bindra Brand and our subsequent efforts to hog some of the limelight) ... Now all searchers and their page hits are welcome to this page (if at all you end up landing here)

adios...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

"Note"worthy Politicians

well well well... what do we have to say about our "note"worthy politicians... they are just a wonderful bunch of stupid wierd ass (literally.. read ahead) dumb suckers... arent they?

First we used to hate the media for portraying our leaders in a very bad light... do you remember the first page photos of?

president falling over on a stage

prime minister sleeping in the parliament house

president trying to set dhoti that's come off in public


But now the media doesn't need to go looking for "say cheese" moments from these politicians... we have ready made politicians who stand with props and get themselves clicked and shot at... eventually shooting them to fame... (yes we can call it that)...

That said, we have a good , rather great, idea for both the briber and the bribee minister to keep the matter hush hush...

Briber ministers swiping credit cards on Bribee ministers' butt-crack to make payments so that the latter cannot bring cash into the house.

That way even if the minsters show up the butt crack as proof, the max that could happen to them would be to get a free hamper to get themselves treated for Piles/Fissures/Fistulas.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Gympanzees...

Well Well.. after a long exile of not writing... which in turn would have meant a jolly good time for you guys, we've thought its time for us to get to do what we do the best... torture you guys...

This post is dedicated to our gym where we work out along with a bunch of folks we would like to call panzees. Let us clarify upfront that we are naming them panzees for the sake of spoofing them like chimps and we don't want you to consider them as pansies (which in turn brings in some doubt about us).

Gympanzee Exhibit 1: This guy is the serious Gym Guy. He does some serious weights and some serious cardio tranining that gives us a complex... 7 out of 10 times this guy will be in good shape... the other 3 is reserved for people like us who do some good training even when out of shape. So this guy will work out, sweat out and eventually go out once the exercising is done. Serious business.

Gympanzee Exhibit 2: This guy is the "My Way" guy... He gives a flying fish for the instructor, the dumbells.. hell he gives a super flying fish to the entire exercise routine and you'd find him doing his own set of exercises... This guy never requires a routine card... he's all by himself... you'd find him doing stuff that you see only in.. naah you dont see such wierd stuff anywhere... Some of the "My Way" guys are wierder by which we mean that not only they do stuff their way but also they dont talk to anyone... not even themselves... which is the complete opposite of what is coming next...

Gympanzee Exhibit 3: This guy is the best friend of every woman... no he's not gay... we are talking about the talkative guy... Lets make it very very very talkative guy... The only muscle group that this guy manages to develop are the muscles on his throat... a complete six pack... this guy is trained to do interval training... 5 mins of exercise and 15 mins of hardcore talking followed by 5 mins of exercise... total toned throat muscles we say...

Gympanzee Exhibit 4: Then there is another version of the interval training that you just saw above which applies to Gympanzee Exhibit 4. This guy exercises for 5 mins followed by 15 mins of narcissism which includes looking at all body parts at all possible angles after every single exercise. We bet he'd die if he didn't see the mirror one day of his life.

Did we anywhere mention that we were working out these days? No? That's because we are very shy and introverted.. We've been working out pretty hard for the last couple of months and shedding off some good 5-6 kgs... right after "blossoming" about 10-12 kgs above our normal weight some months back...

adios...

PS: We've used the male gender to depict the gympanzees out here... there are female gympanzees too... and yes, they too show up with similar traits... most of them belong to Exhibit 3....

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Iyer & Lower aspects of Reality Shows...

There are 3 big issues that are looming large on the Indian economy and an Average Indian.

- The First being Inflation and rising prices of everything across the board.
- The Second is the falling stock markets, which are eroding savings and making the above costlier
- The Third (and the most important) is a plethora of reality shows on television channels.

There are a whole lot of people who are working on the first two and trying to reduce the effects by further increasing prices. And we (yes the benevolent WE), take the responsibility of informing you guys (yes both of you) about the third and the most important problem. So lets walk you through them.

So whats with reality shows? We have no clue about how they have come about, just like any other species and are thriving and surviving by killing other species (the intelligent humans like us). There are so many of them that we could rename each button on our remote control with a reality show name and we would need another 1300 buttons on our remote control. Oh yes.. and another bedroom to keep that remote (which as per today's real estate prices would again be unaffordable)... Back to the topic now...

Reality shows are like a bunch of rats... They multiply at a rate that you find it impossible to imagine... We think by the time we lose another couple of kilos (yes we are going public with our weight loss announcement to get some cheap publicity), we'd have about 125 more shows on various themes. Its about time somebody showed these guys a red inverted triangle to stop multiplying and pro-create more of these... And this post is the first dot on that red triangle...

Just like MNS is opposing the movement of Migrants into Mumbai, we would go ahead and aggressively oppose the movement of folks between reality shows. It get so confusing to figure out who's who and where. This movement of guys/gals between reality shows is similar to the IT industry at full steam or a bunch of young monkeys full on adrenaline. All of them make a lot of jumps...

We believe that reality shows endorses and showcases the talents of the judges rather than that of the contestants. It is never about the poor guy's / gal's performance. It has and will continue to be about the unwanted bouts of laughter (Sidhu), unasked for information (javed saab), singing songs on the chants of "Bandh karo bhai!!!" (bappi da & himesh), well orchestrated & staged fights like WWE and lots of other talents that they possess. (If ever there was a reality show on writing... we'd make the best judge given the oodles of talents we have on writing crap)...

And for the contestants... well after having promised of contracts worth crores... all they get to do is to perform on other reality shows... the price which is about crores (thus keeping up the promise). Another reason why reality shows are multiplying like rats...

Did we tell you that the latest currency of India is SMS (which costs in INR). All of this is attributed to the reality shows. We were walking down the road when we spotted a beggar and just when we were about to give him money, we read a notice board above him that read
"Pls donate in SMS Only.
Send BHEEK {Amt} to 12345
Cost of SMS 06 Rs Only.. Conditions Apply".
Looks like this guy already has a dedicated server and a revenue sharing contract against his name.

Yanyways, if you think we have only mentioned the lower aspects of reality shows, let us surprise you by telling you that there are no Iyer aspects to it.. We just had it in the title to give us some publicity... after all we are posting so rarely these days...

PS: The author is now watching 3 reality shows simultaneously to rid him of the depression caused by another 3 reality shows. Please do not mind all that is written above, which got typed in a state of shock and depression

Friday, April 18, 2008

Random Bakwaas...

You seriously think we need to call the title that it is? Isn't Random Bakwaas the flavour of this place. But just to ensure that you don't lose the faith on this blog, we keep reiterating the flavour as titles on various posts. Here goes nothing...

We just invented that the opposite of "Decibel" is "Videsi Bel(bull)". On similar lines we also invented that the opposite of "Decimal" (Sameera Reddy) is "Videsi Mal" (Jessica Alba). Too much haan?

Talking about mal's, one mal we cant stand watching on TV is Katrina Kaif... at every given instance we see her on TV, we find her dancing... and her dancing... wah wah!!! kya kehne... she'd make a great dance pair with sunny deol... (both have 2 left feet
[make that 42] and they have thunderous thighs, which makes them a great pair)

Talking about television, we think in itself is a "Breaking News"... which seems to be the keyword on all news channels... we have no clue... but everything today is breaking news... yes that includes we writing this post, you reading it and you eventually thrashing it...

Reading brings us to a very lucrative business (we are pursuing it as side business and one day will eventually make it a full time career)... This business requires very little investment with sure/definite profits. All you need to do is to subscribe to about 6-7 of newspapers (subscription is getting cheaper these days)... and then at frequent intervals give the paper back to raddiwala.. and trust us... you'd make more money from the raddiwala than the money you spent on subscription (we never said you'd make lots of money to buy you a pent house). Do not try this stunt with magazines

Stunt brings us to a super-ultra-major-wonderfully-dangerous stunt that our friend is trying to attempt in a couple of weeks. Bechara is Getting Married... No chance of survival we say... Always locha only becomes in this stunt...

Locha brings us to the end of this post... because if we don't end it here, there will be lots and lots of locha and you'd track us down and kill us...

adios...
PS: If you ever managed to "read" the post, you'd see that we took a word from one para and constructed the other one... we could have done it longer, but our oath of world peace and harmony came in our way and we had to stop it...

Monday, March 17, 2008

Jodha-Akbar ++

We exclusively bring stuff that you didn't see in the movie.. some inside information on this super-fabulous (just kidding) movie... all in the form of, our export comments, which flow out of our digestive juices... err... err.. creative juices...

Export
Comments (because they are of "Export" quality)

Jodha made too much out of the husband trying to touch her on the first night issue. She should have been less worried about her husband touching her. Why? Because, with the kind of jewelry she was wearing, there was hardly any skin exposed for Akbar to be able to touch-n-feel...


On the same notes, after marriage, Jodha should have been made the commander-in-chief of Akbar's army... with the specially designed and crafted tanishq armour, it would have been real difficult to target Jodha and find a spot to kill her...


Akbar's kinda cool in the movie... everything about Akbar was so perfect... even his side locks... Akbar's side locks, to us, very much resembled Hrithik Roshan from Dhoom 2 or Krrish... Didn't know Akbar's hair stylist was way ahead of his time...

And finally...

Here's one scene from the movie that was edited... was shown to us for "educational" purposes...

Time 10:00 PM
A: Time for a quickie...
J: Alright

Time 11:00 PM
A: I think I mentioned something about a quickie an hour ago...
J: Wait.. I am only done taking off the jewelery on my hair..

Time 12:00 AM
A: Are you done?
J: Yes, almost done dear... have taken off 384 chains off my neck...

Time 1:00 AM
A: Alritey J, I am leaving... dad must be waiting for me on the sets of his next movie... I am playing a superstar (probably with the same side locks)

And we say... bechaare log... what to do... life is like that wonly... it sucks "royally"...

adios...
PS: we are allergic to so much jewellery... and subsequently bappi da...

Friday, March 07, 2008

Halloween is (h)iyer...

Its Halloween time for the southies... and Halloween is here or we would rather spell it as (H)iyer (just trying to get some cheap publicity for ourselves)...

Halloween would be the day when this Iyer would say to himself... "Dont fix it if it aint broken"... Now that's confusing right? Thats our job... to confuse you guys... (yes both of you)...

It all started last week when we had this little rash on our eyelids (little as compared to how rabid we used to be some years back... ask abhi or alap) which was rather inconspicuous and barely visible to anyone... And we decided to get it treated...

Not modern medicine... but Ayurveda... Why? because we thought it would cure this stuff by the roots... and a couple of days of taking all the kashayams and arishtams and grithams... we have rashes all over our face & neck... And its swollen... like a freakin full blown pumpkin... (and thats the logic behind the title)... We had also thought about "Nutty Professor" but that title had already been taken.. and was kinda cute.. completely against our sturdy image...

Day after day it got worse... and the worst part is that we couldn't go back for a re-visit to the ayurvedic doctor, because her husband expired a couple of days later (no... we didn't do it)... and people started noticing the change in us... except they thought that we had a bad haircut, which we actually had before we started the treatment... And we say to ourselves... how is that possible? How can they only notice the haircut but not the face thats bloated by about 6 feet more than it actually was? (Hyperbole used in good proportions)

Now we have the situation under control... had like zillions of anti-allergics and steroids to bring down the Halloween pumpkin to look like a potato that it actually is... referring to our heads...

Here we are... at our home... using up our sick leaves... and waking every day with a newfound hope in our lives... to look better every morning... because it definitely cant get worse :)

PS: We have nothing against ayurveda... but it really bombed this time... and actually exploded (our face)

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Iyer - Sr v/s Jr

Iyer Sr seems to be in a jolly good mood these days after retirement. We arent sure if this is the case with the Sr's in all the families. This post is another of the PJ's by Iyer Jr (yours truly) dedicated to Iyer Sr.

Sr seems to be asking for special treatment for Senior Citizens for almost everything in life. Train fares, plane fares, water resort entrance fees, movie tickets... even restaurant menus should be having special treatment (fares or otherwise) for Senior Citizens.

And this is what happened today morning...

Sr: Kesari tours and travels have this trip to malaysia, thailand singapore etc
Jr: Great... Do you want to go?
Sr: Yes we do.. but do we need passports?
Jr: Yes sure you do... what'd you think?
Sr: Ok, so do they have any special treatments for Senior Citizens in the passport office?
Jr: Sure... for you.. they'd put in higher numbers in the Age section of the passport...
Sr: (so that was a joke haan?)

Tell us this was funny... Sr refuses to believe :(

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

OSO - Gu(i)lty...

There is a reason why Om Shanti Om (OSO) didnt do well in Andhra Pradesh !!!

OSO was gu(i)lty of distributing pain amongst all the locals there.

How you'd ask?

What do you think SRK's antics in six pack uttering "Dard-E-Teesco" meant for those poor folks there (Teesco in telugu is "to take".. therefore Dard-e-Teesco = to take pain)

*Walks back with a thunderous applause for the terrific-scientific-supersonic research work*

Monday, February 11, 2008

Int(Iy)erview...

Flash News: Right after the sensational news of the main accused in the Kidney racket being arrested and sent to Delhi, in an unrelated incident, we have an exclusive INT-IYER-VIEW with the director of Iyer Education (aren't flash news like this these days?... totally unrelated...)

(C)correspondent:IE, where have you been?
(I)yer Education: We've been to London to see the queen (what do you think?)

C: Very Funny.. why are you not posting?
I: Well the university is out of Curry-Kolam(curriculum)

C: Rumors say its your marriage that is taking a toll on this... Any comments?
I: (Off Records)... Marriage is just a "Toll Naka" .. Its the wife who takes the Toll...

C: Are you doing anything good for this university or the students?
I: What do you think "not posting" is for?

C: We've been tracking your movements.. You don't visit other universities (reading blogs) and give guest lectures (commenting)...
I: We've been asked by the UN to keep away from doing such things in the name of WORLD PEACE (can you believe that?)

C: World Peace huh!!! That must be a huge responsibility?
I: EMI/Bills/Payments etc are a much bigger responsibility for us. World Peace is just incidental...

C: Any comments on the sliding Indian Stock Markets?
I: (as usual) Its the subject of our next directorial debut(2nd debut?) called "Saare Zameen Par"

C: What do you have to say about the declining IT Industry?
I: When you find us posting more often, you will definitely know what we are (not) doing...

C: Whats next for your university? If we are ever going to see it back in action.
I: We are going to apply for "Doomed"... errr... "Deemed" University status before we are back in action. We want least interference in our functioning

C: Any message for our readers/fans?
I: Sure (We like both of them)... Please read this post when published... even though it looks like random stupid commands typed on a command prompt... We Love you all... and your cute cousins too...

Ultra-Super-Duper-Flash News: India ka doosra wicket gira... aur Iyer Education ka post ek Publishing stunt hi tha aur kuch nahi...