Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Arsenal Procedure...

We were never really a football buff at the first place. Football for us came once in four years in the form of world cup and an intermittent watching of a Mohun Bagan Vs Tollygunge Agragami club match. But this time around we have taken refuge in football for this particular post and in particular this particular club named " Arsenal" (anything but refuge is what you would make out after reading this post)

Since we have already proclaimed our undying non-love for football, let us also state that this post has nothing... naah... not even lateraly connected to football. This post is about the club we were speaking about "
ARSENAL". Little did we know before Friday, 23rd December 2006, that ARSENAL is actually a combination of two words " ARSE and ANAL ". And the next thing we know on Friday is that we are woken up early in the morning... bathed well... and taken to a place fondly known as OT. After about an hour of waiting, we are drugged and in a complete drowsy state of mind, we were surrounded by few covered faces (thank god we didnt carry our wallet, cell phone or valuables) and they begin this surgical procedure for Arsenal Extraction of Fissure/Fistula.

An hour later we find bird and our family waiting for us and we are blabbering stuff in the drowsy state of mind. And bird constantly reminding us of what powermojo did to his family and blurted out things in the drowsy state of mind, thus bringing about the thought to not blabber and bring shame to both him and us. Later in the day when the drugs effect warded off and the PAIN began taking over, we had calls from friends and colleagues, the latter to only inform us that we are missing a Christmas Party Celebration in the office. DAMN THEM...

On discharge, we were handed over a lot of papers to be carried back home and one of them was what they call as "Operative Papers", that these masked men make when doing any kind of surgery. There they had a pictorial representation of our ARSENAL and the the areas where incisions had been made and extractions done. The first thing that came to our mind was that the docs were practicing geometry there and they had converted a full blown (literally) circle in to an OCTAGON by cutting an snipping across numerous edges. We also thought that the mask of zorro (the main guy) wuddav used the fencing technique to get the surgery done, by holding a sword and running it back and across around 10-15 times in circular motion and the procedure would have been done. We wanted to laugh hard... real hard, but we couldnt... it'd hurt... we dont know how it connects but it sure does... it hurts :(

Cut back to present, we have shifted our thoughts from Arsenal to Chelsea (which is a gujju representation of Chaal Se ... which means... Chal Jaayega... which means... it will be alright). And we are hoping that we'd recover sooner or later. We have an important marriage to attend... OURS... in the coming month...

adios...

PS: If you havent gone over, please hop over to abhi's blog and figure out what plans he has for our ARSENAL this new year.

PS2:
check out the ads in the bottom of the post... had we written this post earlier... we wudnt have had to do the surgery in the first place :(

Monday, December 18, 2006

Wedding Preparations - I

Wedding preparations can be quite hectic and can take a toll (greater than the ones charged in the Mumbai Pune Express Highway) on your physical and mental state. We think preparations are more time and energy consuming than the actual wedding itself. We being the groom, being the person needing lesser shopping and all are in this state, so we really cant imagine how Iyeropatni would be. She'd be prolly half dead by now. And in case she doesnt know it, she'd be completely dead on the day of the marriage. We mean how can she survive the taanas and gaanas of people for her mistake of marrying us and deciding to spend her entire precious life with us. But that is something we'd keep for the future and post the yearly/monthly/weekly/daily/hourly/minutely/secondly torture she'd be going thru after marrying us. As usual we digress... and we realise that and come back to the topic of Preparations.

At first hand we figured out from our parents that in Iyer marriages, the groom and the bride is given less importance than the visitors coming in from various parts of tamil nadu and kerala. And how? How would you think would you explain the fact that the first thing we set out for is to look for accomodation for all the guests coming from our gaav instead of going to some designer shoppe and buy ourselves a pair of mojdi or even designer polka dotted football shorts(we'll come to this later) for us? So first thing we run pillar to post to figure out a place where all these dozens of relatives can be put to rest (literally). And surprises of surprises... There is no single hall/dormitory in mumbai that allows night stay. Even the goddamn wedding hall doesnt allow people to stay overnight on the grounds of that area being a residential area... Dont really know where that connects... But the problem still is the fact that our relative Iyers from gaav are going to be stranded. BTW, the issue is yet to be resolved. And in case we dont find a solution to that problem we are planning to distribute stations and platforms amongst our relatives to stay and put up for as long as they want.

Then comes the difficult part, Bridal Jewellery and Sarees. Phew... We must be the first guys to be breathing a sigh of relief on this matter as this was taken care of by Iyeropatni and my to be in laws by shopping for the above at Kerala. Crashing all the schedule in 4 days is quite a task and we agree that our Saas Sasur are quite a task master. So no major hassles for us on that front. Iyeropatni would have had, but she doesnt have a blog... So really cant let out the secrets here...

And the most toughest part (atleast for this post) is the groom's (yours truly's) clothes for the wedding day. Started off with looking for a "decent" pair of clothes to be worn for the reception. The shop guy at first showed us sherwanis and suits and jodhpuris and what nots with so much amount of glitter that it blinded our eyes for a moment. And when we regained our sight back, the prices of those blinded and paralysed our thoughts for the next 1/2 hr. After regaining consciousness and after heavily persuading him that it was a "madraasi" shaadi, did he bring his budgets down to our level. And we've promised ourselves to use the term "madraasi shaadi" everytime somebody uses stuff that is way above our budget. The toughest (within the toughest task) task was to look for the wedding dhoti. Yup, we madrasis wear only dhotis for our marriage. TOPLESS. And this is the most toughestest task to select a dhoti. Why? Think about this... You are supposed to select a dhoti. The shopkeeper comes with a variety of dhotis. The only variety available here is the thin borders on the dhotis. Rest all is white. Do you even imagine how hard is it to select 1 or 2 amongst the 278 white dhotis that is presented in front of you. We felt like we were standing in a "Swayamwar" and all to-be brides were dressed alike with ghoonghat over their faces and we were to select the bride only by looking at the nail polish applied to their toe nails. It actually feels like that :)

And this, my friends, is only the beginning of the preparation. We have some additional things to add on to. Which are much more interesting (read time consuming and boring) as compared to the mundane tasks of selecting a mundu (we like this term... mundane - mundu - mundane - mundu)... And they will follow this post... Please make it a point (not) to read it :)

adios...

Monday, December 11, 2006

K-K-K

All our predictions made exactly a year ago have gone for a toss...

We have lost our magical future seeing capabilities... A thousand apologies...

Now we have the K-K-K-K-King K-K-K-K-Khan hosting K-K-K-K-KBC III....

Given his prowess to pronounce the word K-K-K-K-KBC III, we'd predict he'll use up 30 mins of the show time in only saying "Welcome (back) to K-K-K-K-K-K-Kaun Banega K-K-K-K-K-Krorepati Tritiya"... (Crorepati is pronounced with a K, in case any of you think we belong to the Ekta Kapoor or Karan Johar or Rakesh Roshan gang)...

We suggest renaming the show to "Raju Ban Gaya Millionaire" or "Raji Ban Gayi Millionaire" (yup Raji is an Iyer name... a short form of Rajalakshmi)... Atleast that way we dont get him to utter and stutter on the 'K' word... And it would suit his " Rahul" boy image too :)

adios...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Beta aur Baap...

A lot of bloggers have moved their blogs from the normal version to the beta version of the blog. All the advantages of a unified google account and categories and we dont know what all have been offered to these new blog sites. And it seems that we will have to be patient to see a "Blue Button" on our dashboard for us to be able to have access to that. What they dont understand is that until a blue button is visible, they could have atleast shown a "Belly Button" that would have comforted us for atleast some time. And as the old chinese saying goes " Belly Button is better than No Button", they could have kept interest of the fellow bloggers. But then that was not to happen.


*Cut back to present*


We havent been offered the 'beta' that as yet. Looks like we arent cut out for that. We are sure that they must have known that our marriage is lurking around the corner and that it is time for us to have our own beta(or beti... as destiny may have for us). So to possibly avoid any beta treatment to the blog and alpha treatment to my beta/beti, google are yet to offer us the beta form of the blog. Any mortal human being at this point in time would have been frustrated and lost all their good faith in god and google and would have moved onto greener pastures like wordpress, xanga, typepad etc. But given the optimists that we are, we still are sticking to google... and kicking others with our posts. And what is that optimism you'd ask? Read ahead...


Any pessimist would have thought of the fact that they are not cut out for Blogger Beta. But we are a tad different. We think this. " Prolly google is working on another landmark innovation called "Blogger Ka Baap" and ask us to be the first and prestigious (ha) member of Blogger ka Baap... ". Isnt it kind of good to be thinking positive. Given that our blood group is nowhere being close to "B Positive" or even "HIV Positive", it is very surprising for us to maintain this kind of positive thinking. So all kudos to us (donkeys just love to praise their own tails dont they? By this we are not calling ourselves donkeys... we are just terming our thoughts as donkey's tails)


And given the features beta already has, we are sure the baap will have more features. Our positivity tells us that we'd have the following features in "Blogger ka Baap"


BFP: BFP stands for Blogs Family Planning. We'd expect the current blog contirbutors ka funda to change to Maa Blogs and Baap Blogs and they'd plan to have any number of Beta Blogs amongst themselves. And there would be a minimum timeframe of 3 years between two Beta Blogs. This would be made compulsory taking into consideration Bloggers' drive to have beta blogs. And finally we'd have an additional "Nas Bandi" (read Vasectomy) option for the Baap Blogs to put a full stop to any further Beta Blogs.


Auto Categories: We'd have categories assigned automatically to posts. How? Just like Google Ad sense figures out some key words and puts appropriate ads, they could read certain key words from posts and assign auto categories to the posts. Going by the above, we are sure there is only one category assigned to our blog and that category would be "Crap". Dont even try looking for other categories


Programmed Comments: This is one feature that we are eagerly looking forward for. You could save a couple of nice comments as templates in your profile and enable a random function that takes one of these goodie goodie comments and post it on one of your posts under names that you have decide in the profile. More of these comments would make your blog look like a very popular one. We already have some examples for our template and it goes like this " What a brilliant author... Amazing" - Carmen Electra... "You are just out of this world... SETI will surely discover you one day " - Brook Burke... " I feel you should write a book... You'd be a better author than VVS Laxman" - Jessica Alba... "Your content is very light and not at all heavy... just like my weight " - Paris Hilton... what say? nice idea no?


Auto Ajdustable Counters: These, just like the above stated "Programmed Comments" boost up the egos and morales of lesser mortal bloggers like us. Here the users have all the rights to adjust the counters i.e. hits on their blogs. Blogs like ours can suddenly start displaying startling statistics of about a million hits per day. And all this, with just a click of a button and a few key strokes and voila... our blog has more page hits than " www.google.com".


Auto Chat Boxes : This is similar to what was discussed in the Programmed Comments section, but the only difference is that the messages will be available on chat boxes instead of comments. And you could use pre-programmed responses for these messages for your advantage too? We are planning to have the following msgs in the chat box to boost our ego " A/S/L" - Lindsay Lohan (we'd say she's plain dumb... otherwise she could have just checked our profile)... "Can i have your phone number " - Scarlett Johansson ... " Do you provide free backrubs?" - Latticia Casta


With all these features that we will receive in "Blogger ka Baap" version, we'd only say we are more than eager to switch over to that version and dont care for these piddly "beta" versions that will be a passe once the baap is in :)


adios...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Gult Guilty

Our love for the gult language never seems to cease. Last time around we spoke about the gult word "randi " (it means "to come"... the "please welcome" types you double minded dholkis) that is not too well taken in the Hindi Language. We thought the list ended there...

Until the other day when we were having snacks in office. When one gult colleague of mine, called out to the other gult colleague from across the room screaming "Choosa? Choosa?"... (in an interrogative tone)

To poor non-gults like us, "Choosa?" is a hindi word and in hindi it means "Did you Suck"?... and to top it up, it didnt go down very well with dirty minded people like us... and how can it.... when two guys discuss things like "Did you suck"... and that too in public... and that too at the highest decibel level...

Only after later introspection did we realise that the medium of communication used by these two people was not Hindi, but Telugu... and in telugu "Choosa?" means "Did you see?"... They were checkin out some hot gal out there.... sheeeesh... we and our dirty minds :)

So all you non gults beware of this word too... after all educatiing you guys and taking you to a iyer level is our vision/mission...

adios...