Friday, October 27, 2006

Where art thou, oh spam commenters?

Ever since we came to know about this technology called “Word Verification” in Blogging parlance, we are missing something. Something that was so integral to this blog. Something / someone that made look like this blog was a much popular one with double digit comments on each and every post. We are terribly and immensely missing the more popular variety of spam commenters.

We cannot even begin to express out profound feelings for every variety of them. We refrain from doing that because if we try and get to that then we’d cry and we’d make others also cry so much so that Nirupa Roy’s record for tear shedding would be broken in an instant. So as an ode to her we refrain from discussing our emotions and only scope this topic up to the level of discussing the various types of spam commenters. So here’s our ode to the unsung heroes of this blog. The people who filled in the comments section of this blog and made sure that none of the posts had any empty comments.

Cash Day Loaners: These guys come up with excellent schemes that would put the banks around here to shame. Not even CITI or HDFC or HSBC can come up with such schemes. They come up with genius comments like this “Great blog. nice piece of information on it. Taken some help from it in creating my own cash loans blog. Do visit if you need anything.” Now we have a post on KBC and they cash (no pun intended) on it by offering me cash loans. Saala these banks don’t even offer me a paisa under the assumption that we would convert all of them into NPA’s. And these noble souls are ready to give me cash even without knowing me. And NO DOCUMENTATION REQUIRED… what say?

Payday Advance Loaners: These set of people for us sound like our ‘kaamwaali bai’ who keeps asking for advances much in advance of her pay day. These guys come to me with decent (not filthy or dirty) advances. If at all there was an Anti Blank Noise Project then we would put these guys first for making decent advances like “I have bookmarked you for the excellent piece of work that you have put on. I will like your presence at my site on Quick payday advances and see if that can be a help”. Look how they appreciate your work. And we’d need them someday when we use up all our money to have daroo instead of paying our kids’ fees. That day, we’d surely get back to them for some advances to pay the liabilities of school fees.

Student Loaners: On second thoughts, we’d come here asking for loans for our kids’s education. These guys seem to be more dedicated at providing loans for education than the earlier one. And their prospectus reads “I have bookmarked you for the excellent piece of work that you have put on. I will like your presence at my site on student loans and see if that can be a help”. Now have we read that somewhere? Do you also, like us, think that they have copied their material from other prospectuses? We’ll conduct a detailed investigation on that sometime later.

Auto Loaners: The next time we want to buy a vehicle we sure know who to catch hold of. These people. And with the kind of international background and international connection we might as well be eligible for something like a Ferrari or Lamborghini or even Rolls Royce for that matter. These guys are good at relationships and keep sending sweet messages like “hey what a nice site. Your blog is great .regards. Auto loans”. Now they make sure that they don’t get too sweet either. Diabetes is not good naa… that’s why. Rolls Royce… Here we come to own you.

Did anyone notice something common amongst the above kind of commenters. All of them are loaners. All of them have money to spend and enough time to spare to keep commenting on our blogs. These people are like gems (not Cadbury’s wala re). We promise to have a healthy friendship will all of those and we are sure we will need them someday or the other and on that day, these guys will help me out.

Miss you guys a lot… See you around some other time...

Now we end this post with a social service message to all the readers of this blog (1 to be precise… and that figure includes us). We have just got news that there is this blogger (read spam commenter) who’s found a break to the word verification and has started spamming even on blogs with word verification turned on. Some smart bugger we say. Please watch out for him, and don’t come back to us stating that we didn’t warn you beforehand.

adios…

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Bollymal Planet…

This post is yet another of our “precious” predictions for the future. So read it and remember it. Why? Because when you see something like this happening in the year 2036 then you’d remember who predicted it in the first place. So let’s begin with the tedious process of predicting… starting with explaining the premise for the prediction.

Firstly we ask, what is happening today to Bollywood Stars? The answer we say is that it doesn’t matter for most big bollywood stars to make appearances here and there on the idiot box or what they call it as the small screens. Almost all of them have been there and done that with some shows/music videos/advertisements to their name. So we are pretty sure that the link between the bollywood superstars and the small screen has already been established.

Somewhere, deep in the future, these superstars will be so bored of the daily soaps, advertisements, reality shows and other forms of outlets on the small screen that they would channelize all their talents onto a different kennel… er… channel. And this channel is what is known to all you guys as “Animal Planet”. This particular channel would provide all the challenges that would be required for a great actor and a superstar. And you’d find all forms of bollywood superstars in various shows on this particular channel.

And as a part and parcel of this prediction, we give you with a sneak preview of the serials that you’d come across in this channel in the future (year 2036 remember?) and the superstars that you’d find in each of these serials. So that way you could also use this as a ready reckoner for finding your favorite serials. All you have to add is the day and time and lo… you have a ready made TV Guide just for yourself. Oh alright… you can thank us later for that.


Planets Funniest Animals: This is one serial that would make you go ROTFL. Key ingredients of this show include the great names of Keshto, Mehmood, Rajendranath, Johnny Lever et al. Go ahead watch these serials and you’d never need to join any laughter clubs.


Nightmares Of Nature: This serial would be like a JP Dutta multi-starrer. We guess more than 80 percent of bollywood would be featured in here. Some of the more prominent names would be Sumeet Saigal, Kishen Kumar, Kimi Katkar and Zeba Bhaktiar.


Wild On The Set: This would be a post 23:30 program… you know… the… ahem… types. Superstars on this one are quite popular with the common junta and would include the likes of Meghna Naidu, Payal Rohatgi, Mallika Sherawat and last but not the least the legendary SILK SMITHA. (We surely are going to watch this one)


Keepers Of The Forest: Does the name sound sarcastic to you? It doesn’t? It surely does for us as this mega serial is going to include all the superstars involved in the “chinkara” shooting incident. Sallu Bhai, Tabu, Karishma Kapoor, Neelam, Saif Ali Khan are the stars to name a few. All of them are the “true” keepers of the forest. They just don’t know what to keep and what not to keep.

Dangerous Liaisons: Some of the prominent superstars allegedly having links with the underworld would be showcased in this particular serial. Sanju Baba, Govinda, Salman Khan, Nadeem (the music director), Bharat Shah would be some of the more prominent personalities to be seen on this show.


Skill To Survive: Second rung actors would showcase their skills that they use to survive in this industry. Some of the more important names in this show would include Ritiesh Deshmukh, Tusshar Kapoor, Esha Deol, Celina Jaitley.


Up Close And Dangerous: One serial dedicated to all the bad men of bollwood. Everyone starting from Pran, Amrish Puri, Prem Chopra, Ranjit, Shakti Kapoor, Gulshan Grover would make a ghastly appearance on this one.


King Of The Jungle: Only king sized superstars appear on this one. All MCP bashers can go and bash the channel for not including the Queens in the list. Anyhow, this show would include the Big B, King Khan, Amir Khan and other actors ruling the roost today.


In Search Of The Giant Anaconda: This show is wonly and wonly dedicated to the great Kakaji or Rajesh Khanna. Why? Just look at the word Anaconda. Break it up into three pieces and you’d get “Anand Kaun Tha”. And who else in bollywood is the immortal Anand?


Man Eaters: Any guesses? Yes you guessed it correctly. This would be a serial to showcase the biography and the life cycle of the won and wonly Rekha. Don’t miss it in case you don’t know anything about her life.


Keep watching the channel. You’ll enjoy every bit of what you would get to see there.

adios…


PS: Monkey Business is exclusively reserved for us. We are yet to find any takers. Some south Indian channel may surely buy it. And so we continue to hope…

Monday, October 16, 2006

N-Gage...

On our way to work, we thought we would make a post on our engagement and then post it on this blog. But then we realised what kind of person we are when we read this, a genuine and a beautiful post by our dear friend memphis.

Update 1: Memphis, has deleted the page from his blog. Thorough gentleman that he is. But Google reader saved the day for us and we have this post for you. In complete Italics. We suggest you dont judge memphis by his post. His anger was genuine. Here's the post, courtesy Google Reader.

Before I go on squiggling down 101 ways of bitching and abusing Iyer;


1.) I am angry so I don’t feel like giving a any title to this post
2.) leme try and be the first one to break the news that this tiny mallu/tamil freak has been hiding away from all his friends (Iyer get a life, we understand u wish to be low key but at least inform!!!).

Friends, Our pal Arun Iyer;
a) “Owner of Iyer education”
b) “All in one laughter shows”
c) “who calls a small dog his horse”
d) “doesn’t feel weird wearing boxers and visiting a 5 star hotel”
e) “For whom maruti 800 is like a 1000 Sq. Ft. house”, “who used to stay at Andheri and USED to call us every time he is bored”
f) “who spits in a hotel, if he gets to know that he has to shell out Rs.90 for booze and Rs. 120 as VAT/ Service Tax over and above Rs. 90”
g) “who is half Abhijit’s height”
… man the list is long, is ENGAGED. Yes, this tiny MOFO is now engaged. As in that ceremony where a guy and a girl exchange rings!

We so happy to hear that, and this A**Hole doesn’t believe in sharing the news with us. Iyer, you’re freakishly mean. I don’t know when Abhi and Alap got to know bout this, but I got to know the night before he got engaged. As in if “tomorrow is the ring exchange ceremony so I’ll get to know tonite” that way. Iyer I know when u got engaged but I wont disclose any more details till the time u apologize and treat us .. ok if not treat us ,at least call & say sorry!

Arun, if you reading this stop laughing and feel ashamed, u “confused half mallu half tamil thing!”

I don’t I should spend any more time writing on this hilarious piece of introvert.

INTROVERT! IYER! Ok whatever … as u see m lil angry

Iyer: Congratulations and good luck bro..I know you’re practicing how to be quiet(for ya’ll, trust me on this its very tuff for iyer to be quiet); you’ll be like that after you get married. so peace I’ve got no complaints. and “Belated Happy engagement”

And Iyer, please don’t forget to inform your friends next time you get engaged or married :P


Mind it, at first we got offended. But when we sat thinking over it memphis was damn right. So we dedicate this engagement post to this beautiful piece of article that not just tells you about the engagement but also brings out the real person that Iyer Education really is.

Thanks Memphis for bringing all these points up. Genuinely. Also thanks to Infected for being so forgiving.

So we dedicate the engagement related post at the memphis blog... That is all we have to say...

adios...

PS: If you still havent got any clue of where things are heading, lets just sum things up for you and say it in a nutshell. We are the worstest possible human being alive today on earth.


Update 2: Sweety Pie Memphis (and every other near and dear friend i guess) has forgiven and forgotten all the pathetic acts committed by us and have come up with this... Love you guys...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

BIG B’days…

So what’s so special about Oct 11 out here in India?  Not that it is some kind of holiday or something on those lines. Today is the birthday of Amitabh Bachhan. Also known as the BIG B. He is one of the finest actors available in the world today. Point taken we say.

But what we cannot understand in our tiny little minds is the fact that why gazillions of companies are hell bent on celebrating his birthday. Not that we are against it or something like that. But ever since we woke up in the morning all that we have seen and heard about is Amitabh Bachhans birthday and all of that.

TOI has his image on the first page. All news channels are airing congratulations and are taking wishes for him on SMS. Like they care if the SMS reaches him or not. Then there are radio stations taking messages from people on phone and on SMS for the BIG B. Why is this happening? Yeah alright, commercialization, money honey and all that crappola is all the answer for it.

Now that we are in a position to do absolutely nothing about it and just be audience to what is happening. We also believe that we are there for a social cause… equality. So we suggest to all the companies reading this blog (0 to be precise) to also celebrate the birthdays of the following stars so that they also feel special and not left out.

Rakhi Sawant: This is one hell of an occasion we say. And for one day we need to send Special SMS (Smooch Mika Smooch) to this horrendous gorgeous lady. Also companies could use three ladies sized handkerchiefs to make a birthday dress (two piece b!k!n!) for her (We don’t think she needs anymore cloth than that). We also suggest that companies sponsor Z security for her to keep her away from unassuming smoochers and saving media of the disgrace of seeing her after her birthday bash.

Salman Khan: Companies should celebrate his birthday by giving away prizes to the ones who send birthday wishes to him. The prizes should be in the form of “Go take your car and run over up to 3 people on the road and we sponsor your court proceedings” or “Take your safari suit and kill a couple of black bucks and we make sure you are safe”. We mean, what can be a better ode to Salman Khan other than his fans following his footsteps.

Negar Khan/Carol Gracias/Gauhar Khan: Now whats common between these three gals. Not their birthdates you airheads. “Wardrobe Malfunction” is the word. So we suggest that all companies should accept birthday wishes for them on SMS and use all the money collected to buy belts/naadas or any other form of fasteners (feviqwik excluded as its harmful for the skin) for them. What could be better for them other than the guarantee that their clothes won’t fall off in the next ramp walk.

Ekta Kapoor: The companies could organize wrestling/boxing competitions between mother in laws (MIL) and daughter in laws (DIL) as a tribute to this K lady. K lady could also be invited as a guest referee and should be compulsorily put in a handicap match between her and the winner MIL and DIL couple. The beatings she’d get would serve as payback for what she did to the numerous families between 10-11 PM IST.

Himesh Reshammiya: We could have an entire day commemorated to him by asking all radio stations and radio companies to REFRAIN from playing any of his songs on that particular day. We mean everyday we get to hear him innumerable number of times. At least his birthday should be a little change and we should hear none of him. (We predict that once the listener gets used to his birthday then everybody would demand his birthday be celebrated 365 days in a year… 366 days in a leap year if anyone was looking for loopholes)

Iyer Education: Lastly we would celebrate this particular gentleman’s birthday by repeatedly demanding the ISP’s to close the blog. We are sure that this has to be carried out year after year as we have full faith in the government officials and their efficiency in getting things done. So these companies can keep making petitions year after year after year for closing this blog and we give you guarantee that none of that would work and we would exist to torture you for eons to come.

adios…

Friday, October 06, 2006

Iyergiri…

So what’s hot these days, apart from the weather here though? The only thing that we could think of, after the release of “Lage Raho Munnabhai” was the applicability of Gandhigiri in ones life. You read newspapers, you listen to FM Radio or you change channels, one of the most talked about topic is of course Gandhigiri. And so are the million debates over the fact as to whether gandhian principles are applicable today and would they work or otherwise and many other aspects of the same.

But then there is one unsaid/unspoken principle that rules the life of almost all the tambrahms around the world. And that we would like to call it as “Iyergiri”. The last time that we saw the word ‘giri’ next to anything Iyer was the name of a middle aged mama. His name was “Sheshagiri Iyer”. But other than that, we haven’t seen any giri near Iyers. Not even Ratnagiri comes close to Trishur, even though both of them lie in the same line of Konkan Railways, but lets leave that to Lalooji and his plans for connecting both these places using some Garib Iyer Rath or something on those lines.

So we give you tips and tricks to fall for this good looking gal called Jahnavi (Vidya Balan). Don’t even try using Gandhigiri in real life to impress her. You may fall into unwanted complications. Try using Iyergiri instead.  Why? Arey simple yaar… because she is an Iyer. So here’s what you do to sweep Jahnavi (J) off her feet (and send her flying into the air making her do 3 continuous somersaults and then fall flat on her back… alright that’s sick).

Warning: Prior watching of Lage Raho Munnabhai is much preferred in order to understand the circumstances under which the following actions are carried out. And in case you don’t understand what is written here, please sponsor tickets for the movie yourself. Iyer Education does not take the responsibility of sponsoring those tickets for you.

  • Firstly you go to her grandfather(s) and explain them the advantages of “Curd Rice” (Thair Sadam) for their bodies in such an old age and also explain the various ways in which they can consume the same along with different pickles and so on and so forth. Make sure that you don’t go overboard with preaching stuff like Avial, Sambar, Rasam, Payasam and so on and so forth in the first meeting itself. Take it slowly. One thing at a time. There is nothing more important in the Iyer tradition other than curd rice. Curd Rice is the stepping stone to Iyergiri. Once this stone is stepped, all other stones can be easily taken care of.

  • Secondly, you take the old people and J to places like Guruvayoor, Trishur, Tirupati, Shirdi, Haridwar and all other devotional and religious places. If you are following Iyergiri then Goa is just not the right place to take these guys. And if you take them to Goa, then all the mehnat that you had done in the first lecture will go in paani. Alternatively you can suggest Lucky Singh to arrange for a tour package to Ashtavinayak or Jyothirlingam for that matter.

  • Thirdly, when the bungalow is taken away by the builder, you, like all peace loving Iyers should not retaliate and keep mum. And you could suggest taking J and all her old grand fathers to your family place in Vilayannur, Palakkad, Allepy or any other place in kerala or madras for that matter. Please mind that the place need not be a palatial one owned by Raja Ravi Verma or any other south Indian king, but should be enough to occupy 6 oldies, yourself and J. This could also be an opening for you to take J to the backwater rides of kerala and keep all the oldies closer to the country of god, thus making devotional and religious trips easy and perennial throughout the year.

  • Fourthly, you, along with J should take over the radio station (promoted by worldspace in this case) and start playing the likes of Yesudas, SPB, MS Subbalakshmi, Chitra and lot of other carnatic flavored south Indian music. In between you could also respond to calls of people by suggesting them to become a vaadyaar (pandit) and lootofy people of their monies in ceremonies like marriage, engagement, death of someone etc so that the person could return his father’s money that he lost in the share market. You could also help people who run away from marriages by telling them that how lucky they were that they are not getting married the iyer style and by explaining the rites and rituals of the iyer style marriage, thus scaring them and make them go back to their marriage and continue with their business.

We’d suggest you follow the following steps for the next 245 working days and J is all yours for your entire lifetime. That is our guarantee (which is valid only till tomorrow).

tootles…