Tuesday, September 26, 2006

IDLY served with JAM...

We are breaking all the rules here with this post. Gone are the days when you could relish your idli with a nice hot cup of sambhar or the spicy coconut chutney. In the absence of the above two you could also have it with readily stocked up and convenient molaga podi. This time around, we are presenting to you, IDLY served with JAM.

For all those who have begun / thought of beginning to puke at just the thought of devouring idlis with jams, there is respite. Things may not be as bad as you think they are. Read ahead to get the respite (or the lack of it)

The post “
Idly with Iyer” from Iyer Education was published in the “JAM” fortnightly magazine issue dated 15th – 29th September 2006. We would like to express our tons of thanks and gallons of gratitude (we likes these terms that we coined) to Rashmi Bansal, the editor of JAM magazine for having the article published there. We would like to also thank (*takes out a 2365 meter long fax roll with names written on it… calculates the estimated time to type them… approximately 23.443 hrs… and consciously decides against it*)… err… err… lets leave that for later.



Here are snapshots of the cover page of the magazine and the page on which the article was published. These are pics and not scans. We are too lazy to even scan them and post them for now. We also like the sketch that they have made for the post with “the fat guy” holding an idli in hand. Let us tell you upfront that it is a sketch/cartoon and not a representation of our real self. So all interested ladiejj can still stay interested in case you are still interested…


And as usual, we end this post with PJ… Please go through it, and in case your instinct tells you to kill us, don’t even bother listening to those silly voices in your heads. They are just there to trouble you…

The next time somebody calls you “lacey”, there are a couple of things that you have to do before you decide to react. Firstly, you’d have to do a background check of this particular person. This is because if this guy/gal turns out to be a mallu, we give you guarantee that they are not making any snide remarks on your exotic / erotic (select the proper adjective yourself) lingerie. Lacey to a mallu is sluggish to an Englishman. In case you didn’t still get it, mallus pronounce Lazy as Lacey. So please do give benefit of the doubt to the poor fellow and in case the person isn’t mallu, then you can take the necessary course of action depending upon circumstances.

adios…

PS: We just checked the
JAM website and IDLY with Iyer is featured there as “Taaza Maal”. What an irony we say… stale idlis from Iyerospace stored under Taaza Maal.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Strongest Passwords...

Password nowadays is becoming the key security issue for a lot of organizations and people alike. For this, a number of organizations are having what they call it as a “Password Policy”. This is what wikipedia has to say about password policy

A password policy is a set of rules designed to enhance computer security by encouraging users to employ strong passwords and use them properly.

We think this is enough for now. Intricate details on password policy can be found here.

As per the above definition, a good password policy is the one that is supposed to be encouraging the use of strong passwords rather than weak passwords. And like duffers we always thought passwords were always star rated rather than strong or weak. We always type passwords in ‘*’ no? So passwords for us were more like restaurants and hotels than anything else (blame our education for that). But anyways on further introspection we found out the definition of strong and weak passwords here.

For the benefit of all lethargic people like us, who didn’t click on the above link, a Weak Password is the one which has got all chances to be guessed / hacked by either a person or a program and a Strong Password is the one which is difficult to be guessed / hacked by a person or a program. So all passwords that have your name, DOB or blank passwords are all examples of weak passwords and passwords with a combination of alphabets, characters and symbols are supposed to be examples of strong passwords.

But regardless of the fact of whatever password policy may exist in the organization, there is always an urgent requirement to share/reveal passwords to another person. And yes, it is utmost important for you to take down somebody’s password to do their work or to access something that you don’t have access to. Similarly it is a matter of life and death for you to reveal your password to someone else so that they can mark you present when you are having the time of your life giving an interview in another organization. So there… we have dealt with confidentiality of passwords and also the human urge to break that confidentiality for his/her own purpose.

Now after all that lamba chauda bhaashan (long wide lecture) on strong & weak passwords we have come up with a concept of something called as “Strongest Password”, yup, that too of the superlative degree. According to us, “A Strongest Password is the one that the person cannot guess even after having revealed it... verbally or written

In case you are highly surprised or think that we have lost it or both, please read the above statement again and we will explain to you what we meant. We very clearly and lucidly meant that a password is strongest when it can still not be guessed in spite of the fact that the password was openly revealed. And you may ask how that is possible. Let us use some conversations to substantiate this point. All the conversations are between two employees within the same organization. (Obviously naa… what’s the point if you give your password out to some other person outside the organization and nothing can be done about it…)

Case 1:

E1: Arey yaar mera ID lock ho gaya hai… tera pwd dega… login karna hai
E2: NahiBatayega (yup that is the password)
E1: Arey yaar pliss bata naa
E2: NahiBatayega bola naa
E1: Saala tu to ekdam @#@$#@#@ hai… I will ask E3…. Hmpf

Case 2:

E1: E2 yaar mereko late hoyega… HRMS mein login kar de naa plissss…
E2: Theek hai… karta hoon… password to bata de…
E1: TereBaapKoPuch (yup… strongest password)
E2: Saala… @#@$@$@... @#@#@#@... tu apne baap ko puch…

Other examples of strongest passwords include “ChalBhag”, “BolaNaaTereko”, “IWillNotReveal” (for the engliss audience… however Hindi will always score much higher in our books), “JaaNaaYaar”, “DimaagMatKhaa”, “ChupKar” and zillions of other possible words.

We mean how much safer can passwords get. You stand in between all the cubicles with your arms spread out (a la di-caprio from Titanic) and yell your password in between all the people at the highest possible decibel and still no one could have the slightest of clue of your password (except if they have already read this post and use it as future reference)… Go ahead… break all barriers of security… have fun

adios

PS1: Passwords should not contain spaces. That is one basic requirement. So none of the above strongest passwords have any spaces… just in case you wanted to know.

PS2: These were real life passwords set by us, ralphie and mundra. Aur haan, please do not try the above stated passwords on any of our accounts that you know of… They wont work…



Monday, September 18, 2006

MP...

If you are wondering what MP stands for, just wait there… don’t even try and comprehend. Stop it there itself. MP stands for Maha Pakaoogiri… It could also be termed as Monday Pakaoogiri as we are at our very best (read worst) on a Monday morning. So here we go at doing something that we love doing the best… pakaoing the hell out of you…

Firstly we are seeing these entire bans happening everywhere. There are bans on blogs, movies, movie channels, doctors, nurses, sport stars, sports et al and these are like a common phenomenon these days. And who is paying a price for this? Dear old Hariprasad Chaurasiya… All these bans are over-stressing him. He’s reached a near burnout stage now. But the important question is how? We are sure you want to know the reasoning (or the lack of it) behind this entire weird episode. We just have one Hindi quotation to back it up with. It reads, “Naa rahega BANS… naa bajegi BAANSRI”. That’s MP 1 for you.

Secondly, we have teamed up with Himesh Reshammiya to make adulterated (read it as adult rated) songs. Himesh will be composing the tunes and lending the voice to the mystifyingly beautiful lyrics written by us. The first of such songs is called “Sayonee” (very similar to the original one sung by Himesh). The lyrics go like this

I lust you oh sayonee…
I lust you oh sayonee..
Koi Shaq… What The F@#$”... What do you have to say about that? Yup…  MP No 2

Ram Gopal Varma’s “Shiva” is MP No 3. We don’t have words to explain this particular phenomenon except for the fact that our friends were given free tickets to watch this one and they demanded a full refund from the sponsor (of the ticket) to have been put through such rigorous torture.

And like every “Looney Tunes” & “Merrie Melodies” episodes end, we’d like to say… “That’s all folks

adios…

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

What the stars have to say?

No… Neither doing any form of crash course in “Crystal Ball Reading” or “Tarot Card Reading”… Nor are we carrying a bunch of cards and a parrot with us all the time to tell us what your stars have to tell about you, your past, your present and your future. So drop all your Linda Goodman-esque thoughts here itself and then proceed to read this sucker of a post.

Now what we were talking about is the other stars. The stars that shine not in the sky but the ones that dazzle on the screen… Yup… our own Bollywood Superstars (We have left Hollywood out because of our lack of knowledge of English)… And we are not going to talk about what they talk on screen… primarily because they don’t know what they are talking as all the lines are being written by the dialogue writer and secondarily because in some of the cases these are also dubbed by some other person, which essentially means they talk nothing on-screen.  

But off-screen, these guys talk a lot (of gibberish). You read interviews, you see interviews, and you see them defending themselves in some sort of mock-court-martials and a lot of other things. And it is trying times like these, that these guys live up to their true potentials (or the lack of it) and blurt out things that makes us laugh amongst many other such piddly things. So here is a list of FST’s (Frequently Said Things) by our very own superstars and a sneak preview into each of these lines and performing post-mortem operations on each and every of these FST’s.

I am playing the typical boy/girl next door… We don’t really know what a typical boy/girl next door really means. We have shifted our residence a couple of times and by god we tell you that none of our neighbors were typical or stereotyped. They surely were typical in their own unique way (weird hairdos, hippy dressing, super-ultra-weird eating habits, yucky and lots of other things so very unique to them). All wierdos we say. And we also wonder why the typical girl next door always has to be “bubbly” if not anything else. We never found a girl next door who was bubbly… actually we never managed to find a girl next door at all. Some researchers say it’s because of our socks that we haven’t washed for the past 23 years, but all those are silly rumors, don’t believe them. But seriously nothing in this world is typical… except the fact that these stars use this word so often.

Mere character ka treatment ekdam alag hai… Oh yes now we know that you suffer from Limphocurcoma-Of-The-Area-Between-Medulla-Oblongata-And-Spinal-Cord. And this kind of disease requires treatment from all faculties of medicines. So they generally drop in a couple of homeopathic sweet tablets in a bitter ayurvedic kaadha and give it to the star through intravenous treatment. We are sure this is what they meant by alag treatment.

My character has shades of grey in it… This certainly could mean one of the two things. One that the actor is going to grow old in the movie. Two, the fact that the actor has a double role of a father-son/mother-daughter in the movie. So you would find shades of grey amply sprinkled over their hair/wig in the movie and it would come as a terrific surprise that this particular actor could look so horrendous in his/her older days. We are sure AK Hangal was always discounted from using this line as this was supposed to be understood by the viewers without even being uttered.

My character is complex and has various layers of emotions… Academically, the last thing that we heard that had layers was cabbages and onions (that makes it two… but then what the heck). But then in filmdom, the inner meaning of layers must be ‘makeup’. They must be applying zillion layers of makeup thus making them look approximately 27.38 years younger than their actual age. We are sure that the inspirations for using this line were the late Rajkumar and Prem Nazir who were playing college going boys in the movie when their real life age had crossed 70’s.  The Big B also tried to make a comeback with this line but sadly none of his films worked.

The director gave enough space for me to experiment with my character… The character must surely be a scientist of the first order. Working with Hydro-Chloro-Sodio-Bromide must be like baaye haath ka khel for the character. We mean how much can this guy/gal experiment. The last time we tried experimenting, half of the lab caught fire and the other half was already burnt into ashes. So we always refrain from experimenting. And we suggest that the stars also stop experimenting with immediate effect or else you’d find another movie called “Kabhi Experiment Naa Karna”. And no… no Karan Johar, please don’t take any cues from here we’d say…

To end the post (yippeeee party time for you guys) we only have to say this to all our bollywood stars… Plijj not to make any such statements which are shallow and make no sense to the general public at large (assuming general public = us wonly)… There could be wierdos lurking in some dark corners of the world, noting each of your quotes and making a “collage” of a sucker post out of those…

adios…

Friday, September 08, 2006

Hope...

The doorbell rang… A slightly elder man walked inside. He held a bag right up close to his armpits. He walked in to the room where the elderly couple was waiting for him eagerly since morning. Getting an appointment with him was always a difficult task. But today was different… It felt like god himself walked in with all the solution to their problems in the bag in his armpit…

The elder man had been a frequent visitor in this house for the last 8 years. So he was very well known to the couple. His frequency would differ every time, sometime in weeks, sometime in months and sometimes he would come in between years. This time around he walked in almost after a month. He took a seat right opposite the elderly couple. He laid the bag down.

A girl served him with water and coffee and walked away, the same girl who opened the door. The elderly gentleman had the water and coffee and took out papers from the bag under and spread them on the table.

All three of them, started scrutinizing the papers that were laid on the table, one after another. The visitor was reading out things to the elderly couple from the paper and the elderly couple was listening intently, as if someone was giving them a discourse on attaining MOKSHA. The visitor took his own sweet little time in analyzing each of the piece of papers and made sure that all the nitty-gritty’s explained to the anxious elderly couple.

One paper followed another and the elderly couple’s faces grew sadder with every passing paper. But yet, they held their hopes and waited for THAT piece of paper that could make them happy again. Something that they never imagined they could be, for the last eight years. And then, the visitor was holding the last piece of hope for the elderly couple. All of the anxiousness and eagerness was clearly evident on the couple’s faces, as if this was the ray of light in a dark 8 year tunnel.

After the last piece of paper was put down, that ray of hope turned into darkness again. The last chance of happiness eluded them, at least for this day. Things became obscure again. Just like they were before the arrival of the visitor. The visitor consoled them and as a thoroughbred professional, charged his fees to this couple and took their leave with a promise to be back with some more papers.

The girl who was watching all of this from the kitchen felt a stream of tears rolling down her cheeks and she wondered why her KUNDLI never matched any guy’s for the last 8 years and would a day ever come when it would?

And the elderly couple and their daughter lived in the hope of a day when it would match…

PS: We are just trying our hands on narration/story telling. Plijj to give us feedback on the same.

adios…

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Blogs & Anon Soul Mates…

We've always had fascination for the concept of blogging. The idea of putting up one's ideas – thoughts – sentiments – emotions – feelings – creativity – sense of humor on public forum for people to read – appreciate – criticize. But most of the people don't know the blogger, unless you are blogging in friends circle wonly. So there is some sort of anonymity to the blogger.

 

But add another level of anonymity to the already existing anonymity, and we have the real life boy/girl friends of bloggers who, for some strange reason, use anonymous identities to post comments. We have been watching this trend for quite some time. And it does exist on a lot of blogs. The real life boy/girl friends of bloggers use anonymous identities to make similar weird comments and sign them as " you know who" or "your pom pom" or "dearest honey pie".

 

Now we are not anyone to pass any form of judgments here and make a statement about if this process is right or wrong. But we find the process really hilarious. We will use some anonymous examples to show you how this particular process works.

 

Firstly, we have this weird pointless post that goes something like this…

 

 

"The sky is black and the stars are shining

But like a rabid dog I am always whining

I am not hungry, but still I keep dining

Black all over, like I've been coal mining

 

Where art thou, the spring is already here

But deep in my heart, there's autumn fear

I am already missing you deeply my dear

Hug me tightly & clean the wax in my ear"

 

 

And then amongst the dozens and dozens of people appreciating this abstract piece of art (read crap), you'd find one unassuming but oh-so-obvious comment posted by Mr/Miss Anonymous, that reads this…

 

 

"Jo haal dil ka udhar ho raha hai

Woh haal dil ka idhar ho raha hai

Tumhaare kaan mein to sirf wax hai

Mere kaan mein fungus bhi grow raha hai

 

-Your Pom Pom"

 

And then we wonder, is this guy/gal really anonymous? We mean he/she has already let out his 'pom pom' identity to the others. So this guy/gal might as well give out their real names coz this 'pom pom' things probably cracks everyone up and adds to the funny quotient of the blog. Then we wonder… probably their real names would be rather weird to give out in the public… eggamples… how about ' haardik' for a guy or lets say 'naagchampa' for a gal. And we end up sympathizing with their situation and let them go. Free them off their real identities and let them quietly assume the 'pom pom' identity for the rest of their sad… er… happy lives.

 

This is then followed by a comment by the author in reply of the 'pom pom' comment that goes something like this…

 

 

"POM POM, I miss you soooo much and your comment reminded me of a famous Jagjit Singh song that we both like sooooooo much… this is for you, my poochoo pom pom…

 

Unglee se choo lo tum… ear wax clear kar do…

Ek baar sirf nahi… saaf always dear kar do…"

 

 

And we think to ourselves, couldn't all this be done offline or online over emails… Why? Why do we have to go through the torture of a (not so) lovey-dovey couple talking about each other's earwax and ways to get them cleared? And if at all you want to do it, please don't use anonymous personalities. Link them to your real selves, and we would in turn check your blogs to find out what kind of a person you are and thus be able to deduce all the possible attributes of the ear wax that you might possess.

 

That's all for this pakaoo post…

 

adios…

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Teachers Day!!!

Your professor at Iyer Education has been touched by the tremendous response that you have given on this sacrosanct day of Teacher’s Day. We have been highly obliged by all the good wishes that you have sent across.

We have liked all the gifts that our students have sent us. In particular, we would like to mention the benana chips, the haluwa and the packaged tender coconut water that has come all the way from kerala. We would also like to thank the students from TamilNadu who have sent in generous dosages of Pongal, Mixchar, Jaangri and Filter Coffee (in short SKC - Sweet Kaaram Coffee) from the famous Saravanabhavan stores.

It is indeed a great pleasure to be a Teacher eh actually a Director of this Iyer Education and it is a heart warming experience to see all of the wonderfully talented students coming here and getting stripped off all their talents, thus becoming one of the worlds best do no gooders.

All you students will be our treasured memorabilia’s in the future, when we can go ahead and proudly say, “This was the bright student, that we have so efficiently converted into a laggard of the very first order… something that he/she never imaged, he/she could have done, without our support…

Note: All of the above is lies and no one has wished us on this occasion of Teacher’s Day even after bringing out a completely new meaning for the word education

Happy Teachers Day to all my teachers. Plijj overlook the fact that we are running Iyer Education, which is imparting no education at all. But at least we are trying…

adios...