Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Of wet sarees and iyer jokes…

Some wise man once said, “Truth is something that never changes… something that is constant…” And we agree to what this person has to say. Truth definitely is not variable. So we are out here discussing something constant. Something that never changes.

So we have this funny habit of logging into our StatCounter account and look for stats of our blog every now and then (if you could allow us to call half an hour as now and then). And as we had stated in some previous posts is the fact that the most hilarious part of the entire procedure is to go through the search keyword list i.e. keywords that people use to search and end up on this blog. Now mind you, that this list keeps changing every day and it has people looking for different things spiritual, technical, and all other sane and insane form of ‘als’. But there are two particular search keywords that are constant… Two keywords that could be related as the eternal truth of Iyer Education– The Blog. We don’t know how… we don’t know why… these two keywords are more inexplicable than some of the popular Night Shyamalan movies. Those two keywords are “wet sarees” and “iyer joke(s)”.

It took some time for us to digest the fact that every single day there is someone looking for ‘wet sarees’ and some other person looking for ‘iyer joke(s)’. There could be more, but these 60 (two per day for a month… assuming that none of them are repeating) are the unlucky ones to have landed up on our blog and thus serve as samples for this particular post. So let us just dissect each of them to bits… something that we love to do ;)

Ladiejj First” is the basis that we begin with ‘wet sarees’. So what makes people search for wet sarees?

At first, we think of stalwarts like mandakini, zeenat aman and several other south-Indian-late-night-actresses who have branded wet sarees with sensuousness (though we beg to differ on the fat southie heroines) and who need to be re-viewed (yup corporate lingo) in order to ascertain the degree of sensuousness and all other degrees that they manage to raise, which we refrain from discussing on this family blog.

Then, to the wildest of our imagination, there could be people from the research industry, who would be researching on some new form of starch or some new addition to a washing machine, for which they need to figure out gory details of a wet saree, albeit without anyone in them.

This could also include south Indians women owning a large number of nine-yard sarees and needs some form of online help to cut (WET in tamil) them into smaller manageable sizes.

And then there could be another set of horny, corny, porny set of people looking for see-throughs. We think, these are a level above point 1 and we suppose that they need graphic details. So we suggest this set of people to do something called as a “Google Image Search” and save themselves the disgrace of chancing upon this blog.

Warning: If this trend continues for another week, we’d probably have ourselves draped in a wet saree and post it. We might just be able to reduce the number of hits that people look for wet sarees. (Or shall we say, t!ts for wet sarees… cheee… cheee…)

Now coming back to the second search keyword “Iyer joke(s)”. We’d not dissect these set of people or you’ll end up finding mallus looking for iyer jokes, punjus looking for iyer jokes, bongs looking for iyer jokes etc. So instead, we’d rather dissect the concept of “Iyer Joke(s)” itself. So what would fall under the category of an Iyer Joke, that people are looking for, on a daily basis?

A tam-bram having roti, makhni daal and palak paneer instead of thair saadam should rank up there among iyer jokes.

All the iyers making out with all the iyengars in the name of world peace could be a joke worth laughing your guts out.

And finally, yours truly could be one walking roaming (chalta phirta) eggjample of a wonderful iyer joke gone horribly wrong.

After all this hullabaloo, we think we are really close to implementing the statements made in the warning and the day shouldn’t be very far when we find a search keyword that goes “Iyer in a wet saree Joke”. Lets see how many people go for it and take the risk of their life…

Till then…

adios…

Monday, August 21, 2006

English Nouns… Desi Roots…

Iyer Education comes up with another breakthrough of a research work. The research conducted by someone who doesn't want to be named and who doesn't seek any form of publicity has come up with observations that a lot of nouns in English (Proper Nouns) have their roots in India. Tough to believe… Go ahead and check out the list of words that are waiting to unfold their Indian Origins. So here they go…


Elizabeth Hurley : "Hurley", to begin with, has been picked up from Marathi. "Hurley" in Marathi means "She Lost". Now we know that her name makes perfect sense because she lost in a deal by deciding to marry Arun Nayyar, when some Arun Iyer was more eligible than the former. (We think it's the Brit accent that made Iyer sound like Nayyar and she ended up with the wrong guy )


Van Damme : Van Damme has its root in Tamil. Van Damme in Tamil means "Don't Want" (irrespective of the gender). So when you actually get to say his complete name Jean-Claude Van Damme , it would have meant, "Don't want Jean-Claude". Sir, are you reading this. Now do you know why you don't have too much of a fan following in Tamil Nadu. Care to see some numerologist and change your name? Aah leave it, south Indian or not, nobody watches your movies yaar!!!


Chris Tucker : This guy has his roots in Hindi. And if you have forgotten, let us remind you that Hindi is our national language. In Hindi, Tucker means to fight (as in Mujhse Tucker mat le ). So other than Rush Hour (I & 2) nobody wants to take too much of a Tucker by risking and watching his movies.


Angelina Jolie : This hot lady, on the other hand comes from the soothing backwaters of Kerala. If haven't still got it "Jolie" in mallu means "Work/Business". So it was strictly her business to have " Africa" as one of the options for the name of her kid and not opt other soothing names like "Eranakulam" or "Thiruvananthapuram" from the roots of her name. (Eventually she called her Shiloh). Who knows, she could call the next one " Palakkad" or "Kozhikode". We just have to wait and watch…


Al Pacino : This man on the other hand belongs to the state of Gujarat. "Pacino", in gujju means, "Belonging to later". And just this explanation gives us the idea of why all the performances of this wonderful actor were always ahead of his times. It were all to be enjoyed later… forever…


And finally… yes we have come to the end(party time no?)… we give you the only common noun (for this post) that has its roots in India…


Encyclopedia : This particular word is picked up from a south Indian famous line that a lot of rickshaw pullers in Madras use very commonly. It's "Yenn Cyclea Pidi Ayya". The above means " Please hold my cycle". Now we don't know why these Englishmen used this cycle to describe a book full of knowledge. Strange are these people we say.

adios...

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Idly with Iyer…

Following the success of chat shows on the lines of " Koffee with Karan" and "Rendezvous with Simi Garewal", we have decided to travel on the same lines and have a talk show of our own. And surprisingly (not surprised haan?) we have decided to call it " Idly with Iyer".

 

There is a tremendous logic that has gone behind the naming of this show. It has been named in such a way that it has both global and South Indian appeal. The name is such that Van Damne would think that this show is about sitting and idling and killing the time away whereas back home, Vishwanathan must be predicting if they'd serve Molaga Podi or Chutney along with the Idly. So in effect, the title itself brings some amount of unpredictability to the show. Now let's look into the nitty gritties of the show.

 

The dress code for the anchor is going to be very colorful; very unlike the plain black and plain white in the above stated shows. The anchor (yours truly) will be wearing designer lungis (checks, lines, lycra all alike) specially designed by world famous designers like Gucci, Tommi Hilfiger, Armani, Versace etc. Adding contrast to lungis will be contrasting baniyans from world famous brands like Rupa, Amul, Sando etc.

 

Similarly the sets would be decorated with plantain trees & coconut trees . We'd also have bright and shiny kanjeevaram sarees for curtains. Top it off with kolam (rangoli) made on the floor and a well made NIRAPARA on top of the kolam. So there… the set looks just perfect for the show to begin.

 

The guests would be welcomed to the soft beats of nadaswaram and panchavadyam. They would be then provided with chukku vellam and coconut water as their welcome drinks. Add to that their welcome snacks in the form of the kerala halwa (or haluva as they like to call it) and banana chips. We are sure by the time all these things have traveled into their tummies, they'd have no place for any Idlys and the host would get to have all of them for himself. *evil grin*

 

This would be followed by the guests being put to the torture of answering a spate of questions put forward by the host. And NO!!! There would be no prompts in form of cue cards or moving questions behind the camera. All questions would be extempore. Sample questions here are given…

 

Host: Do you have kids?

Guest1 : Yes

Host : Oh Good!!! Are you married?

Guest1 : *ONE TIGHT SLAP*

 

Director : *cut cut* #@$%##%#%^%^%… next time do it the other way round…

 

Host : Are you married?

Guest2 : No

Host : Very well… How many kids do you  have?

Guest2 : *One Tight Chamaat*

 

Director : *cut cut* arey kaun leke aaya yaar is #$^%$%#% ko?

 

Err… err… let's leave this part at that and move on to the next one…

 

Then we have the "Formality Quickfire Round " where we use concepts like word matching, match the following, fill in the blanks, True or False (all stolen from leaked question papers of Std. 1 – 5). This would help us fathom the IQ level of the guests thus exposing their "so called" intellect (or the lack of it) to the public at large.

 

Lastly we have the formality of signing on Idly's. Idly's that were prepared a week before and which have hardened into something more hard and sturdy than a golf ball will be used for this purpose. The guests will be asked to sign on the hard & sturdy Idly with a marker pen and will be stored on a strategic banana leaf decorated with chutney, molaga podi and sambhar.

 

Then we roll out credits where we thank the Communist Government of Kerala, & AIADMK Government of Tamil Nadu for not interfering with the programme, contents or the producers and directors of the program thus making it a success in terms of production and screening.

 

Followed by blacking out (of the screen… and not to mention… your minds)

 

adios…

 

PS: Coming to your screens shortly… So you better break your TV set with immediate effect… and then don't come back to us stating that we didn't warn you beforehand…

Monday, August 14, 2006

Jargons!!!

I first right clicked on the word "Jargon" in the MS Word document and found that MS Word doesn't have any synonym attached to it. On further investigation on Dictionary.com, this is what they have to say about the word jargon.

 

"Nonsensical, incoherent, or meaningless talk.

 

A hybrid language or dialect; a pidgin.

 

The specialized or technical language of a trade, profession, or similar group.

 

Speech or writing having unusual or pretentious vocabulary, convoluted phrasing, and vague meaning" .

 

The first thing that came to our mind was that this particular website needs to have sub-nested synonyms for explaining the words given in the meaning for a particular word. How else would you explain statement no 4 in the above list. Just go through it and you'd figure out that these guys have a jargon of their own which we need to identity in order to understand something.

 

But coming back to the main topic, we are here to discuss statement number 3. And that's what jargons are for us. Specialized language of a particular "organization/company" (comes under similar group/trade/profession). And we have to say this… All organizations have their own set of jargons. Regardless of whether any organization has any policies, vision, mission, strategy, work culture, ethics, moral and social responsibility or even employees, they sure do have a jargon of their own. Let us look at this statement at some depth.

 

Jargons, like roles and responsibilities, flows from top to bottom. 140 years ago some old guy (preferably the founder) must have uttered some god-forsaken word in some wretched clandestine meeting. That in turn were used in communication by the presentees in the meeting and then it percolates to lower levels until it becomes like daily need for the employees at large.

 

Secondly every organization has its own set of jargons. Regardless of whether you like them or not, regardless of whether you can do with them or not, regardless of whatever, you have to speak in that lingo to look like you are a part of that organization. And one of the primary responsibilities of an employee would be to get himself/herself accustomed to this jargon set.

 

For some, it would be un-utterables in public spaces, the generous doses of which would be jargons, and without which no statement would look complete. In such places, please avoid the uses of words like " Sorry I goofed up"… your appraisals are going to be pathetic. Instead stand up and say "I f&*#ed up big time" and see your appraisals rising at right angles. And this is no joke; we are speaking out of experience (though we never got appraised, because our expletives were always in local dialect and rather never made any impact on the HR)

 

For some, it would be usage of difficult words, when you could actually do with simpler alternatives. All along we thought Roster was a result of a spelling mistake with a cock (of the hen type) until someone told us that it was actually Shifts in which people work. It would be so simple to say "my shift timings are 1" instead of " my roster says 1" which sounds more like a mistaken cock drawing your schedule for you. But simplicity is something that people abhor, because they would like to complicate things for themselves so that they could prove that they are superior. So let them be at that…

 

Then there are jargons, which are of "tricks of the trade" sorts. Which means you have to be up-to-date with those to even be considered as a part of the trade. Words like " stretching", which we thought was a process of de-stressing or relaxing or exercising actually turned out to be spending more hours of work. And like stupid fools we were stuck up with old adages like " night maara re " or "aaj late tak baithega". Now since we are typing this during our work hours, and since we have lots of free time with us, we don't need to stretch. We'd just use up the unproductive office hours for this post ;)

 

And we are in the process of learning & learning more and more of them. Let us just elucidate the jargons that we have learnt. " Running around like a headless chicken"(We used to have chicken… always boneless… but never headless… so that was something new for us)… "non-issue" (Not an issue was anyday simpler… but this makes it sound so complicated and all)… " lets be candid"(we always thought CANDID was an anti-fungal cream) and lots of other words that currently don't come to our mind.

 

We'd be more than happy if you could share some of the jargons that you have in your organization (Plijj refrain from using jargons if you are working for some terrorist outfits… We'd rather stay away from a Blog Ban again)

 

Happy Independence Day… Jai Hind… Vande Mataram…

 

dhanyawaad…

Friday, August 11, 2006

Busiyer…

After years of penance in the VINDHYA mountains and since we have been hit by a sharp blinding light (of a train coming in the opposite direction), we have come to realize that there is something in life which is more difficult that being held up or being busy. And you guys were thinking that the most saddest state was being caught up in between something or being busy with something. Naah… No… Nahi… There is a situation that is more complicated than the ones stated above… It is the situation where a person is " TRYING TO LOOK BUSY" when he/she actually isn't… Are you surprised? The ones who aren't, we bet, have already gone through this phase of trying to look busy. And the ones who are, let us explain that to you.

 

Take this for example, you have been newly employed and are yet to be allotted a particular project. Now since you don't have anything (specific or unspecific alike) to do, you aren't discounted from coming to workplace. You definitely have to be present from {Begin Office Hours} to {End Office Hours}. Now in such a situation, you need to look like you are busy and have no time on your hand to the people around you… for the purpose of looking hardworking, diligent and many other corporate level adjectives that will look good on your yearly appraisals.

 

This would have been a easy task in the older days when you could have picked up a hundred files from a closet full of them and put them on your table and act like you go through a different file every day. But now since the file system is not widely available and has been replaced by computers it gets all the more difficult. All you can do is to keep staring into the computer whole day long albeit you are staring on different websites of humor, knowledge, songs, films, search engines and every other possible area of study except probably WORK. And the worst part is that things get repetitive. We mean, given a chance, how many times can you prefer look at the same " search dabba" of Google? So trying to look like all the above-mentioned adjectives in front of your superiors, colleagues and team members is a tough ask. Still sounds simple haan? Let us tell you what we do to look busy… and then probably you'd come to know how EXTREMELY DIFFICULT that is… Here we go…

 

 

Drink loads of water. The walk from the desk to the water dispenser and back alone takes 5-10 minutes. Also frequent water drinking equates to frequent loo breaks. We also take frequent coffee breaks. Frequent black coffee intakes also translate into loo breaks.   That's some amount of quality time invested we'd say ;).

 

Keep checking and re-checking old mails. But this, for us, doesn't make too much of a reading, because most of them are gaali galochfying us. And this also includes checking and rechecking of earlier comments, which makes us realize how badly we write and are still continuing to do so.

 

Using the same Gmail window to talk to people. Now since Gtalk is integrated with Gmail, we use the same window to khapaofy saner mortals like KJ , Kkusum , Winny – The Pooh & Scribz with brute force. (In case you didn't know brute force mixed with khapaoogiri is a lethal combination). We pray for the mental health of these mortals.

 

Type any crap on MS Word – Delete that crap – Type something new – Delete that crap… and the cycle continues… until something comes up that need not be deleted. And that something, my dear bunties and bublies, is what you get to read here. Yup Blog Posts… (Currently we are working on a mathematical relation between the amount of work one has and the ideas for blog posts. And till now we have found out a direct relationship between the two i.e. more the work, more the ideas and vice versa. Also stated as; more the free time available, lesser the ideas and vice versa.)

 

Visit bloglines and check for any new posts by any of our fellow bloggers. Sometimes there are updates, but most of the cases end up with no updates and cursing ourselves and our lucks for lack of updates on any fellow bloggers's blogs.

 

Humors ourselves… We don't need to visit any jokes sites like SantaBanta or Funtoosh. All we have to do is to logon to StatCounter and look for statistics of our blog. And you'd ask where is the humor in that? Actually when we find out details like the search keywords that make people land on this blog, the list cracks us up every single day. Mind you, everyday it has a different list, but every list is hilarious. Let us give you some snippets of today… " dps mms… suhaag raat… shayari dirty joke sms story… contraceptive malad… koon banega crorepati… abhishek bachan education"

 

Get intellectual for a moment and visit Wikipedia. And the moment the page is loaded; we spend the rest of the time figuring out what to look out for in Wikipedia. And since we have no particular interest as such in anything, we end up looking blankly at the main page and then return to Gmail or MS Word or whatever other application open.

 

Inspite of all of the above stated techniques, we still find ourselves in a situation where we would like to still look BUSIYER than what we currently are.   If you guys have any more ideas of how to look busier with just a computer, please feel free to contribute generously.

 

adios…

Monday, August 07, 2006

The inevitable SPB…

We remember that we had made a special mention of SPB in this post. But as a blog that is of the southie flavour, we really don’t think we are doing too much justice to this wonderful singer. So here’s a post about my favourite singer “S P Balasubramaniam”… also known as SPB to almost all the southies. So if there any of you here who think SPB is some sort of chemical compound to cure the allergies of skunk fur, we are sorry to have disappointed you.

Firstly, you go and read all that knowledgeable people have to say about SPB out
here. We suggested this because what we have to say about him is anything but knowledgeable and would add no value to whatever the above people had to say about him. We are here to just unravel our thoughts about this great singer. Also being a southie, we really can’t write this man off because 90 out of 100 southie (excluding mallu) songs were sung by SPB. And the other 10 never made it to the audiences… So here’s our ode to south-india’s most favourite singer SPB.

First and foremost SPB is a singer of ALL BASS AND NO TREBLE. You can take sometime to re-read the above and try and make sense out of it. SPB doesn’t have an ounce of treble in his voice. You can try and keep your bass settings to 0 and keep your treble settings at the highest and listen to an SPB song. And it is our promise that this gentleman’s song will still make it sound like you have bass at its highest. All his songs will sound like they are being played on 3D Dolby Surround Sound. (Bryan Adams is on the other extreme of the scale with all treble and no bass… just in case you needed this piece of info)

Secondly, we think, he is the only singer after Kishore Kumar who has his own signature. You’d ask what? We will explain… Kishore Kumar had yoddling as his signature and he used to randomly add yoddles to his songs making them all the more interesting. SPB doesn’t yoddle, but he has signature lines like “hay hay” and “dhat teri ki”, generous dosages of which are added to selective songs and which makes the songs all the more wonderful.

Thirdly, we think SPB is the only singer alive who can make waves out of a particular line of a song. Let us explain… SPB may be the only singer in this country who, when provided with a line of song that needs to be sung like it is moving in a straight line will end up sounding like the line is a moving ECG Graph.
And that is no easy task we tell you… Listen to any of his songs and you’ll come to know what we are talking about… (We added images to depict the same, but there is some sort of incompatibility between Blogger and Internet Explorer)


Lastly, we suggest that you listen to the following songs truly gauge the potential of this singer.

Hum Bane Tum Bane from Ek Duje Ke Liye
Batata Wada from Hifazat
Aake Teri Baahon Mein from Vansh
Aaya Mausam Dosti Ka from Maine Pyaar Kiya

And you will find each and everything that we have stated in here. We are proud to have written something on a truly living legend.

adios…

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Iyer Mix…

All you peepull clickin the mouse…
This is yo DJ (Iyer) in the house


Gone are the days of original music. They are all a passé. What's rocking today are remixes… You'll find remixes everywhere… You'll find remixes of all sorts… You'll find remixes of all shapes and sizes (this more so applies to the models used in the remix videos… but still)… Remixes are there, and we think they are going to stay here for a long time to come… as long as there are people in the music industry who know nothing about music and still want to make something out of it… And long live those people… not because we love them… but because we are going to be a part of this gang… (Can hear loud shouts of " Please don't do it… Please don't do it"… decides to ignore those voices and move ahead with the post)


Coming to the point of the types of remixes, you'd find "Hip Hop Mix", "Calypso Mix", "Latino Mix ", "Dhol Mix" and many other variants of remixes. Sometimes these names take us away from music to food where we find similar readymade "Idli Mix", "Gulab Jamun Mix", "Kheer Mix" and all others of the same category. And with much difficulty, we bring our minds back to the point of this post. And thats... REMIXES… Now… We have analyzed this segment of the music market and have figured out that there has been no innovation in the remix segment for a very long time. And that this is the right time to cash-in with a new form of remix… something that will take the market by storm… something that is here to stay… that will appeal to both the masses and the classes alike… So ladies and gentlemen… presenting to you… " The Iyer Mix"…


Lets now dig into the details…


Firstly all types of remixes begin with a hip-hop style introduction. So we will also have an introduction for the Iyer Mix. And this is no hip-hop. This would be pure carnatic introductory lines, which go something like. Just one example for now…


All ammas and appas in the house…

Come and wear your dancing blouse… (Dancing shoes is kinda old)

Bring along your kuttans and kuttis…

Pull-up and tighten your dear dhotis… (Adi Talam & Thodi Raagam)


Secondly, the kind of instruments used in the Iyer Mix would be all that belong to South India. Digital sounds are a strict no no. We do not belong to the Rehman league. Generous doses of mridangam, ghatam , veena, nadaswaram, thavil, panchavadyam etc will be used to create a-la Pavarotti orchestra albeit in the southie form. Promoting the of the southie form of music is our onus and this form of promotion will have all the southie instruments played across all the houses ( especially when one picturizes the video on Sameera Reddy or Simran… that's right… the SOUTHIE BOMB WAGON).


Thirdly, frequent utterances of words like "aiyyo", "super", "poda", "patti" in between lyrics will just add that southie effect to the songs. This has been inspired by the hip-hop utterances of " er", "eh", "yo" and the likes. So whenever you listen to "I want to Break Free" followed by "poda patti" and then followed by a nice rendering of nadaswaram, it DEFINITELY is the Iyer Mix of the famous song by Queen. On special occasions we could request SPB to render his favourite " dhat teri ki" or "hay hay" for our songs to just to add that zing to those songs.


So that's the basic framework (pattern for the laymen) for the songs that would be remixed with the "Iyer Mix ". We are using this post as a pre-cursor to the release of our first album "Aapka Khajoor" which contains all the remixed songs of " Himesh Reshammiya" and his album "Aapka Suroor ". We are cashing in on his "talent" (or the lack of it) to compose songs and remix them by the next hour. Watch Out!!! We will screech your ears and screens (and probably crash both of them into pieces) by the next month…


adios…