Friday, June 30, 2006

Contact Centiyer...

We at Iyerospace believe in the fundamental right of equality. To start with, South Indians should be given equal rights with all the Americans, the British and all other foreign nationals. Why you may ask? Because they deserve them… How you may ask? Because we say so… simple…

The simplest way to make south Indians equal to the other counterparts is to start a contact center that is focused on servicing the South Indians. And we call it as " Contact Centiyer" (if you haven't guessed it by now then "happy realization").

The concept is very simple. Like the existing contact centers, we'd hire every possible Indian from every zone except the south zone (have you heard US contact centers hiring Americans to work for it). Once the hiring is done, great efforts would be spent in "accent" training so that the Southies who call in feel the ease in communication and do not feel that they are talking to some aliens from Jhumri Talaiya. And once this arduous task is done, we proceed with the normal contact center training, which is focused at irritating the caller to the core by asking stupid and unnecessary questions thus delivering great experience to the southie callers. And here are certain snippets of the communication at this contact center… Stay back… enjoy and have some fun…

Call 1:

Caller (C): Hellow, this is Chandrasekhara Babu Reddy calling and I need information on some tasty hyderabadi Biryani.

Executive (E): Sorry saar, as per our records Babu Reddy's are from AP and you have chosen the wrong menu and have reached the kannada zone.

C: But I thaaat all south Indians are yentertained heyer

E: Yes sar, you aar rrright, but you selected the wrong menew. I will trrransfer you back to the mayan menew and you press 2 and 2 to reach AP zone. Please hold the line and thank you for calling South Yindia Condact Zone. Haaav a good day saar .

Call 2:

C: Heylew… Thisss isss Unnikrishan Panicker calling… Iyy need zome info on Kozhikode Meen (Fish) Fry

E: Thengew vairry much saare… For zegurity reazzons can I haav the last four aalphaabets of yuvar naadu (village)

C: Yit yis "ooor". (2 out of 3 villages in kerala end with 'ooor')

E: Thengew vaiiry much saare… but this returned lyot of resssults… hundret aand tyondy to be precise… caan I haav the first four aalphaabets of yuvar naadu ?

C: But why should it maattar… I yam colling from gelfWogay… Yit Yis… "Maam"

E: The resssults have wonly naarowed down by tyolve… thaat meansss still hundred aand yeight are laft… Can I have the pincode saare… Daat way yit yis easssssier

C: Leave it da patti (dog)… in syo mech time I caaan go to kozhikode, get the meen disssshh and come back… you stewpidd peopull

E: Thengew saare for colling South Yindia Condaact Sone. Haav a goodj daay.

Call 3:

C: Heylo, thisss yis Krishnamurthy Varadarajan Iyer kaaaling… I want some info on the next amavasai dates

E: Thangew saar, but for security reasonsssss, kaan you tell me if yuvar Krishnamurthy with a 'y' or Krishnamurthi with an 'i'?

C: Krishnamurthy with yay 'Y'… clearaa?

E: Yes saar… The next ammavaasai date faaals tomorrow saar

C: Thaang you

E: Saar, would you like to subssscribe to our new offer on carnatic YUMPHEETHREE songs… It's free for the first year… Do you waaaant me to give you dedails

C: Thaang you da kanna… I listen to DEEP PURPLE… thaangs but no thaangs… (Hangs up)

After lot of strenuous efforts, we managed to reread the above and we have decided to call the idea quits for the betterment of the south Indian community. Thengew vaiiiry much for putting up with an idea that never works in the first place…

adios…

PS: This is the work that we are doing right now in our new workplace :)… and going by the trend in the first couple of days here… working here should be fun we'd say…

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Krishnan Iyer MA Vs Krrish…

Firstly, we thought it was most important that we post this so the break begins a couple of weeks from now. Sorry for cutting your happiness short…

Now if you still don’t have any clue regarding what this post will be all about, let us tell you that you don’t know anything and we mean ANYTHING about Bollywood. Also you don’t know about two of the biggest superheroes of Bollywood. The first and the foremost and the everlasting superhero being Mithun Da (Krishnan Iyer MA is his national award winning character in the movie Agnipath). The second one, the more recent of the two, is supposed to be India’s original superhero Krrish (Hrithik Roshan) (please note the spelling and do not make any mistakes about the same coz numerology has something to do with it).

Now we have been witness to the latest phenomenon called ‘Krrish’ last night and we have something to say about the same. And who other to compare Krrish to other than India’s everlasting superhero Krishnan Iyer MA (we use his character since it suits the surroundings of this blog).

Since, even now you guys seem to be clueless, let us tell you that the theme of this post is ’51 reasons why Krishnan Iyer MA (Kima) is better than Krrish (Krrish)’. Here goes the list.

  • Kima, to begin with, sells only tender coconut water (hence he is fondly referred as Krishnan Iyer MA Naariyalpaaniwaala). Krrish on the other hand acts like an all-in-one-great salesman of Walmart. He manages to advertise and sell a wide range of products from Faber Castell, Bournvita, Tide, Samsung & STAR… phew!!! What a long list? We always thought superheroes are supposed to have powers that are concentrated and Krrish has his fingers in too many bowls and Kima has his powers concentrated on just Tender Coconut water.

  • Kima doesn’t take his father’s dhoti, wear it inside out and instantly turn into a superhero. Krrish does just that. We mean how can you be a superhero when you wear your dad’s suit inside out? Is that how superheroes design their costumes? White dhoti rocks as a superhero costume we say… What about you? (You better concur)

  • Kima as a superhero doesn’t start to dance at every given opportunity unlike Krrish does. We mean, take a look and you will see that Krrish seems to be waiting for a cue to begin dancing to some stupid tune, that is supposedly to be composed by his non-superhero uncle. Kima on the other hand, like great superheroes, waits for awesomely rocking songs like “Hum Lungi Uthati Tumko Disco Dikhati” to groove to and then hits the dance floor. How many of you would like to have a superhero who’s busy dancing in J-49, when the world is being tortured by some strange Mojo Jojo.

  • Kima is a superhero in his own right which means that all of his powers are developed by him all by himself. Krrish on the other hand has all of the powers transferred to him as heritage by Jadoo. Kima can climb walls all by himself and not as a support function provided by some blue & yellow alien in some planet. In short, Kima is natural & Krrish is programmed. Take your pick!!!

  • Kima doesn’t need to have an operative name to function. (given an opportunity he should operate under the name Iyer and that definitely rocks… but we’ll discuss that later). Krrish on the other hand reduces two alpabets from his original name (Krishna) and adds an additional ‘r’ to arrive at his operative name. We would rather prefer someone who doesn’t need an alias to protect this world, coz alias is all clichéd.

  • Taking the above point forward, Krrish, due to lack of education, arrived at his operative name by just adjusting a few alphabets in his original name. Had he been educated, he would have some super operative name like Super-man, Hanu-man, Harbhajan –man et al. Kima on the other hand is superbly educated and has his degree engraved in his name itself. We surely would like a superhero who is “well-read” right?

  • The other 45 reasons are very simple and straight forward and carry the most weightage. Kima is better than Krrish because… Kima is an IYER and Krrish is a Mehra. We mean, what else you expected would carry the most weightage, atleast on this blog. And we can hear it you chanting it aloud… all of you would prefer to have an Iyer for a superhero.

So there… Please go ahead and watch Agnipath, in case you want to see the real superhero “Krishnan Iyer MA, Naariyalpaaniwaala”. And in case you want to see a superhero that writes with Faber Castell pencils, drinks Bournvita, uses Tide to wash his super-clothes, rides a Hero Honda in case he runs out of his flying powers, speaks on a Samsung phone to convey his ideas to his sidekick, and only sees STAR News to find what is going wrong in this world... please be our guest and watch Krrish. He is not a superhero; he is a super-brand-ambassador.

It is pathetic to say the least. But again, it’s our opinion and like most of the times, this also could be wrong…

adios…

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Intiyerval…

Ever since the inception of this blog, the readers (2 of them to be precise) are just subjected to tortures galore. But this time around, we thought to surprise them with good news. News so good that if you are sitting on a chair reading this on your screen then you’d immediately start jumping with joy right there on your seats. But before you begin the early celebrations, take some time for this news to sink, calm down for a moment, do some deep breathing and then proceed with the enjoyments. The above sentence is stated for the safety & well being of your home/office furniture. And the news is…

We at Iyerospace are giving you a break (interval) for a couple of weeks.

(Translated into)No more torturous posts at Iyerospace or torturous comments on your blogs for a while.

We said just be calm for a while and you've already disobeyed us with your partying shartying, jumping shumping and all haan? Our words don’t mean anything haan? We know it doesn’t… But before your full fledged party celebrations begin, let us just inform you about the reasons for the (wonderful) absence…

Today is our last day at this organization and we have a couple of weeks before we join this new organization. This means we got a new job. And all thanks to Abhi. He’s done a great bit for us to get to this new job. Also, in the future he would be answerable to his seniors about all the lies that he uttered to get us this new job, thereby creating a very “flowery” image about us. We would also like you to pray for our dear friend Abhi for he is going to be our colleague who'd would lose his last bit of sanity in our companionship. And we also don’t know the security fundas at the new place i.e. if we are going to have an internet connection to blog @ work, which is fun according to us. So we will be off blogging for a while now.

Secondly, we have got a new apartment, in which we will be shifting with our parents in the above stated couple of weeks. Now this is something that we have been waiting for a very long time. We are very excited to move into this new place and we hope that the excitement doesn’t die after we move in there. So wish us all the luck and if you have some spare blessings / wishes, then please do pray for the good physical and mental health of our to-be neighbours as they would have never ever seen people like us.

So there… now you can go ahead and have daroo and party till you drop. But we will leave you with two lines, one from terminator and the other from cheesy anchors in Indian shows.

Milte Hai Break Ke Baad

I’ll Be Back…

(Did we forget to mention "in reverse order")

adios…

Monday, June 19, 2006

Torture Titles…

It didn’t take the brains of Einstein to come to this conclusion. Even the non-existent brains of Iyer Education were enough to figure out after watching endless trailers and music videos that movie titles these days are aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh to say the least. We mean look at what we are being subject to on a daily basis (in between the hourly gap of daily football matches). Let us explore into some of the movie titles and do some post mortem (which is a wrong expression because some of the movies haven’t been released… but then who cares about anything on Iyerospace).


Firstly, it seems that the people of this generation need an interpretation for the one worded movie titles. We think that the new generation, that is de-generating from Hindi to English and the need to get them back to our roots (Bollywood) is what calls for titles like “Daag – The Fire” (Grammatical Mistake we say), “The Hero – Love Story Of A Spy” (what the hell is that?) and a lot of other movies that have decided to stay away from our mind right now. But if we apply the same principle to lets say old Big B movies, we’d have

Zanjeer – The Handcuffs
Laawaaris – The Orphan
Agnipath – The Fireway
Abhimaan – The Self Respect
Mrityudaata – The Bringer Of Death

and he (Big B) would probably take ‘agyaatvaas’ and finally take ‘sanyaas’ and stay away from Bollywood and stay there for good. Thank god we didn’t have translations earlier.


Secondly, there is this over-hyped-we-love-our-family-and-we-are-filthy-rich movie called “Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna”. We think the length of the movie title is directly proportional to the star cast. We also think that, if this is the trend, we may also see Karan Johar’s next movie will be called “Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein Khayal Aata Hai Ke Jaise Tujhko Banaya Gaya Hai Mere Liye Tu Ab Se Pehle Sitaaron Mein Bas Rahi Thi Kahin Tujhe Zameen Pe Bulaya Gaya Hai Mere Liye” (K is the keyword here). On the positive side, we can hope of extending the rights of the censor board to snip the name of the movie if they find it too long. And given a chance to snip the title of this movie, we would probably call it “Kabhi Naa” – See, this new title gives a kind of mystery to the movie. But all said and done, Karan Johar movie titles are equivalent to full fledged songs penned by Javed Akhtar or Gulzaar. He should be doing something about them. But we think short titles don’t work to his advantage. Let’s wait and watch.


But what takes the cake are the weird titles these days that use a mix of Hindi and English to make it sound more Hep. I cant recollect the older ones, but the ones doing rounds these days is called “Pyaar Ke Side Effects”. We don’t know the actual logic (or numerology) that has gone behind the title of this movie, but it sure provokes the movie maker within us to make a movie called “Sex Ke Special Effects” which will star ET & Jadoo where we'd get to see both of them doing steamy scenes where they make out with each other. What say? Any investors? 34 of you? Thats a good response... Now can we begin the bidding process?


After all of this torture, we think to ourselves, why the hell don’t they show football for 24 hours in a day? Pfft…

adios…

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Poems in an Iyer life…

Long long time ago, we came up with “Poems in a Mallu’s life” that depicted the lifecycle of an average mallu man. Now we have extended the same concept to depict the lifecycle of an Iyer. You’d ask why? Secondarily because we thought it was our duty to bring the Iyer Lifecycle to the front, thus getting it some “cheap” (here it means FREE or NOT PAID FOR because we don’t have any funds… and its definitely not the other meaning of the word ‘cheap’) publicity and primarily because we are facing what we call it as a blog… ooops sorry… block of ideas forming in our empty heads. So plijj to do with the ‘gheesa peeta’ ideas of Iyerospace and give it a patient reading (against all your wishes)

Disclaimer: The poems stated herein do not reflect my views on Iyers / Tam Brams and are made just out of pure humour. So in case you have a problem with these poems, you use your own wits and start writing poems about Iyerospace and please don’t forget to send us the link. We would love to read them. (I have also copied the disclaimer from the original post and pasted it here… now can you imagine the size of the block?)

This is a collection of short poems that reflect the life-span of an average Iyer / Tam Bram at various stages of his life. You can take that to be our life other than the fact that our life is less glamorous than what is stated in here. So you can take all the glamour off it and you can deduce Iyerospace’s life :=)

Age: 6 Mnths.

All these maamas and maamis have come here…
For a grand welcome of their new born fellow Iyer…
And my parents will feed food to me with a ring… (Chorunnu)
And give me a name long enough for you to sing… (Krishnamoorthy Doraiswamy)


Age: 10 Years.

Topping my class is an inborn talent I possess… (We are an exception)
Teachers & relatives, whom I never fail to impress…
Daily dosage of idli, dosai, sambar, rice and curd…
Who on earth do you think will not turn into a nerd… hehe


Age: 22 Yrs
(Just after graduation… preferably engineering)

Yipeee Yipeee Yipeee… I completed my BE in IT…
Also got a call from Infy… Ya right…Narayana Murthy… (Proud fellow southie)
Up & Away to Bangalore by the next morning flight…
And then someday to USA… Yay Yay Yay… Onsite… (You are rightrhyming no?)


Age: 26 Years (Single status in USA)

Its been four long years since I have come here...
And not a single girl who is ready to come near...
Here in United States I thought I'd get laid...
Down came crashing, the dreams that I'd made...


Age: 30 Years (8 yrs Onsite, somewhere in USA)

I miss my sambhar rice and the tasty thair saadam… (curd rice)
Will speak to amma to find me a homely madam…
Will leave for Thirunalveli on a 30 day leave…
And come back with a maami right up my sleeve…


Age: 45 Years (Still onsite, we think)

I have two kids but there is a gripping fear…
Both of them have no signs of being an Iyer…
Krishnaswamy & Sreelakshmi I named them with fond…
But Chris & Sally I call them for them to even respond…


Age: 60 Years
(retire ho gaya baap)

I am back to Thirunalveli with my ever faithful wife…
But my kids stayed there and think I don’t have a life…
Tirupati, Guruvayoor, Shabarimala all we’ve been to…
Sun TV’s our faithful friend where we always tune to…


There… now you may start up the bashing process… We don’t say all Iyer’s are dying to go onsite and all. But looking at the trend these days, IT happens to be all over South India. So plijj to overlook all the generalizations. Thank you…

adios…

Friday, June 09, 2006

Football Fahrenheit…

We wouldn’t call it fever because that word’s a cliché and we don’t believe in clichés. So we decided to call it Fahrenheit to be different, and also that it sounds very GERMAN. But on later expedition on Wikipedia, we have discovered that “Fahrenheit actually has its roots in Germany”. So there, everything falls in place just at the right time as today marks the beginning of the world cup 2006 at Germany. And bloody well its going to be a great month ahead.

There… we are through with the formal introductions and all. In football lingo they call it the “Opening Ceremony” or something of that sort, something which we never figured out because of our limited vocabulary. But all that apart don’t you guys think there is something which is very weird here? What is soccer/football doing on Iyer Education? Isn’t that a weird enough question? The answer to it would be that Iyer Education doesn’t really believe in just bookish education. We part worldly knowledge other than just what is printed on books. So there you go. Here are some knowledgeable facts about football, something you'd find only here.

Note: This is not a “Learn Football in 30 Minutes” post. Prior knowledge of the sport, along with necessary safety equipments (to prevent yourself from banging your head on the computer table) is necessary to be able to go through this post, let alone try and even understand it (DON’T EVEN TRY!!!).

We, I, Iyer, Iyest, declare this post on football… OPEN… (eeeks)

What people have to say about Football (WPHTSAF)…

You will be nearer to Heaven through football than through the study of the Bhagavad Gita.” - Swami Vivekananda

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.” - Bill Shankly

Our Vishesh Tippani (OVT)

On closer introspection of the first statement, Football in India is a craze in Kolkata and Kerala. Let’s forget Kolkata for the moment, the communist government is still setting themselves up for some action. Kerala (aah.. reminds me of mallu ladiejj) is termed as “Gods Own Country” which in other words is Heaven. So if you are playing football in Kerala or watching football in Kerala or watching people play football in Kerala, then there are chances that you are nearer to heaven, right? See we told you we have highly scientific (but useless) explanations for everything. As far as the second statement is concerned, we don’t know who Bill Shanky is, but read this article in TOI and they tell you how apartheid is deeply etched in football and its fans. So if apartheid is close by then how can death and life be far off with blacks attacking whites and whites attacking blacks? And NO, we are not talking CHESS here… So there…


The South Indian Twist(How could we keep away from this?)

Our sources tell us that renowned Malayalam film maker Adoor Gopalakrishnan (AG) is going to watch this world cup very closely and use the detailings for his upcoming Malayalam film “Bend It Like Ronaldinho”, the shooting for which will commence right after the world cup final match.

On being contacted he (AG) said “The last movie made by some stupid Punjabi was made without any research into the subject and the film had to bomb big time as Beckham never BENT in his entire career. He was STRAIGHT all the time and he proved it time and again with his marriage, kids, and over the counter affairs with ladiejj”.

On asking about the star cast for his movie, he (AG) had this to say “We are finalizing between Mohanlal (who is in the process of shedding 107.2 kilos) and Kiera Knightley for their close resemblance to Ronaldinho and hence both are the forerunners for the main role. If things get tough then we may have both of them and have a double-role in the movie, which would be a TWIST in itself. But that’s a secret that I cant reveal now

We just hope that, AG has all his research in place before he decides to make a movie of that sort and wish his upcoming movie all success and luck.


Our Favourites
Now everybody seems to like Brazil, England & Germany to be the favourites to win the world cup. But we are sure that all their expectations will come crashing down like the BSE Sensex. The reason you’d ask. Sure… they haven’t done any of their number crunching before arriving at their favourites. But fret not, we have done it before arriving at our favourites. So here they are. Please do not reveal the secret behind the numbers to anyone else (or they’d kill you for chewing their brains). *** The numbers aren’t audited yet… ***

Second Favourite: Togo – Reason – Population = 5.43 Million which is the exact number of people on an average Mumbai local excluding the driver and the guard.

First Favourite Trinidad & Tobago – Reason – Population = 1.10 Million, which is the exact number of people on the 8:11 local, including the driver and the guard.

See, we told you we have done the number crunching…

So there… enjoy your soccer with rains and a hot cuppa KAAPI or a cold cuppa BEER… We are sure you wouldnt prefer it the otherway round, hot beer just sucks.

And a final warning... Just don’t let the ladies watch any of the ‘K’ serials. The timings of certain matches clash with the ‘K’ serials. So fight it out for your soccer and remember to turn the heat on… Happy Soccerring…


adios…

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Conv-iy-ersion…

It is about time that people take Iyers very seriously. We don’t know about other Iyers but it’s about time that people take us (I, Iyer, Iyest) seriously. We think we have been taken for granted and the Iyer community is being made fun of. All of this in spite our honest attempts to provide Iyer Education to each and every one of you and in the process help you understand the “Iyer Meaning of Your Life”. Pfft… whatever happened to honesty wonesty and all…

So, we here at Iyerospace have decided to have a firm stand regarding instilling Iyer values amongst its readers and have decided to have a process of “Organized Conviyersion” to convert all its readers into thoroughbred Iyers of the first order.

Now before we decide to get into grosser details, let us tell you upfront that this “Conviyersion” will only be converting your values and not your religion. Your religion will remain what it was, because we believe that religion and all other things are to be displayed only on your birth certificate, passport and all other places where you are judged by your religion. Here at Iyerospace we judge you by your values which have to be Iyer ones. And we don’t think there is anything wrong adopting Iyer values as it will take you to Iyer pinnacles in life.

We have heard that “Organized Conversion” is not good and it has to be stopped and could be deemed illegal. So we have changed the word to “Organized Conviyersion” so that we cannot be sued/shooed in any court of law. That’s our legal cover. So that’s about it. Now we look at how do we “Conviyert” your thoughts and values into the Iyer thoughts and values. For this let us look at some forms/tactics of conversion (We always do inspiyered work… and we always internalize our procedures)Religion name and other details have been kept undisclosed to prevent communal riots on this blog.



One of the methods of the schools to make converts is that they offer free education to the local children. They educate them freely for one or two years and then begin charging them for books and clothes. However, if the parents cannot pay the costs, the schools tell them that if they make four or five kids into xxxx, then they do not have to pay the school tuition.

Adopting the above stated method we will charge you per $1 page load, per comment, per everything possible on Iyerospace and if your guys Conviyert yourselves, you will be charged nothing. We are sure at least 2 will be Conviyerted… okay at least one… none? Alright we will start with Conviyerting the director of Iyer Education... Just like the famous quote of olden days "Conviyersion Begins At Home"...




Another method is to lure the people (especially the poor and the deprived) with food, delicacies, luxuries and all other possible things which were otherwise outside the reach of these people on the condition of converting themselves to a particular religion

Hmmm…. So what do we do here… On the blog we can provide you links to free porn, free erotic stories, free live web cam feeds, free voyeur videos and lot of other free things on the condition that you all Conviyert yourselves. We believe this is a much better idea than the previous one (though the existing community members may outcaste us and take away our license for this heinous act… we still are ready to take that risk). How many people can resist gigabytes of free porn? (Target – 13.67 Conviyerts… the 0.67 for someone in confusion)




As per the words of our appa, there were ways where the missionaries used to throw objects in a common well and made statements that if people drank the water from that well, they would be considered as converted into their religion. How many people could have survived without water?

We believe that this method surely must be conceived by a genius. And internalizing this method, we would put some logo on some most visited sites like Google, Gmail, Yahoo and Hotmail and announce that whoever visits this page will be Conviyerted into Iyer Thoughts and Values. We are sure there must be not a single user who must not be visiting any of the above stated sites. This is mass campaigning of Conviyersion. (Target = 118 Million Conviyerts… a very small figure, just to be on the safer side)



Now for the “icing on the cake” or how we Iyers say, “chutney on the Idli”. The best amongst the conviyerts will be taken to the “Periya Vaadhyaar” (Royal Priest) of Iyerospace and the Periya Vaadhyaar will place a banana leaf on the person’s shoulder thus granting him/her Iyerhood, a rare and coveted achievement by anyone (We ourselves are waiting to be touched by the banana leaf and be inducted into this royal club… we have been rejected on the grounds of being parochial and being attached to a particular secret society).

On a more SERIOUS note, nobody achieves anything by changing someone’s religion. The ones are committing a greater crime by taking advantage of someone’s deprivations and thus using it as an opportunity to convert. When everyone proclaims that all path lead to one destination/one god, who gives you the right to change someone’s path, that too at your behest? Religions mean nothing when compared to humanity. Try and be more humane to people and spread the word of love and humanity.

(Top Secret… None of the above applies to us… So the plan of Conviyersion is still ON… so select your medium of Conviyersion as per your preference)

adios…

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Feminine Mishtake…

Let us tell this upfront that there is nothing that is anti-male or anti-female or anti-anything about this post. And secondly we are not against women. On the contrary we love them (especially the mallu ones of the species for all the right reasons). So read the post to figure out the “secret” behind the title.

Firstly we hate people who write just for the sake of writing. That would essentially mean we hate ourselves to the core. But we can pardon ourselves as we do not write in the “Times Of India” (TOI) that is being read by millions of people around here and sometimes do take stuff seriously. We do write crap but that’s limited to our blog, which incidentally is read by hardly a dozen… okay half a dozen… okay 1/12th of a dozen… we can do the mathematics later. So where were we? Ya right… we were at writing just for the sake of writing…

So we happened to read this post called “Feminine Mythtique” in the TOI Editorial Opinion section. At first, and even now, we still don’t know the meaning of the word “Mythtique” and this MS Word is also underlining the word in red, which means there is no such word as the above in the dictionary that at least MS knows of. But is there some word like it? People with a good vocab may help us out with that.

If you still haven’t read that article, please go ahead and read it and then we can discuss. I’m sure the article is much more interesting than this post.

Are you guys back? Alright… We don’t know how you felt about this post, but we felt terribly sick and pukey about this post. With all the talks about women’s liberalization and all that happening around, this post is nothing short of a cribber and wimper of the first order. I am sure TOI isn’t read by the ones who are oppressed by men and the socially down-caste (so to speak) hence this article isn’t directed at them either. It’s read by the more educated men and women who are already well aware of the above stated concepts and all. So let try and explore into all what this lady has to say about “Feminine Mythtique

That's why the makeup, the perfume, the lingerie, the gym, we're not knocking ourselves out for nothing. We're not fooling ourselves that it's our charm or intelligence or baking skills that men want, we know pure and simple, it's our bods. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could be all fat and floppy, walking around wide-eyed wondering what it was that men really wanted?

We have every reason to believe that both men and women are judgmental. So if you are fat, floppy, not made up, not well dressed or whatever you would like to call it, there are very good chances that the members of your same sex would not like to socialize with you. They may outcaste you as being outdated and not well maintained and I don’t know what crap. How many good looking women have we seen hanging around with average looking women? We haven’t seen any… your call…

Men on the other hand don't do anything to brush up on fidelity or consideration, romance, humour, foreplay or any of the things we've been bleating on about for years.

Fidelity? The author makes it sound like the entire man race is infidel. And like the women (who read this post) would stick someone who is infidel… aren’t they supposed to be already independent in the first place? Condiseration & Humour? We have considered this article to be crap and humoured the same… what else does the author need? Romance and foreplay? Hmmm haven’t experienced any of this so we would refrain from commenting. (And regarding looks… whatever happened to metro sexuality phexuality and all.)

And the best part… the article ends like this…

Provide for us, amuse us and love us to bits. Simple. Make money, make funny, make honey. Your time starts now.

What are we? Court jesters… qawwals… mujrawallahs? You sure do know what you want? But you really don’t know how/where to ask it. I mean TOI is surely not the right place for it. This thing sure looks like a “raashan” ka list that you keep giving your shopwallah every week. You’ve just reduced your demands to that level. Good going.

We think we have used enough space on this post to an article that doesn’t make sense at all. Now did you know the secret of why we decided to call it “Feminine Mishtake”. People (including me) write any sort of crap… seriously… (The lucky ones get paid)

Talking about secrets (DaVinci Code being the baap of all secrets), do you know what did Sophie Neveau sing in memory of her deceased grandfather Jacques Sauniere? (Only the ones who have seen the movie will understand this…)

Tere bina meri subah nahi jalti…
Tere bina meri shaam nahi dhalti…
Tere bina meri jaan hai pighalti…
Soniye, Soniye, Soniye, SoniyeSong Details

(That’s how Sophie Neveau pronounces Sauniere)

Now we will take your leave before you decide to kill us for this homemade PJ.

adios…