Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Centuiyery…

Mind you, this director, that you can see on the right has become absent minded and all and due to the above stated reason has been appearing on all the jokes on absent minded professors. The reason is that, Iyer Education has already passed 100 posts and the director has done nothing about it. Till the last post the number of posts stood at 102 and with this one it will be 103. And yet, the director hasn’t made any preparations for the Centuiyery (100th) post nor has he done anything special for the same. So here we are at post no 103 and yet no celebrations…

But do not fret, Iyer Education has an idea here… Instead of feeling sorry to let go off post no 100, we will consider this to be a boundary hit by the batsman at the score of 99, thus taking the score to 103 and then rejoicing the century by taking off his helmet, fisting the air and looking at sun god (assuming that it’s a day match) and then the crowd giving that batsman a standing ovation (unless he is Nasser Hussein who needs to ask for being applauded). So please, give Iyer Education a standing ovation (okay you may not… and why do you need to applaud the teacher who teaches crap)…

Anyways… coming back to the Centuiyery scored by Iyer Education, we are looking at the scoreboard to ensure that it reflects the latest score and has the * mark next to our name which signifies that we are “NOT OUT” and that we would continue the flow of posts.

And, there, the umpires take the bails off signifying the “End of Day’s Play” and the entire media members are out to interview the centuiyerion. And we are stealing signals (We internalize our processes from Doordarshan and believe in stealing signals than buying them) from the bestest of all channels ‘Asainet TV’ (the most preferred channel for mallus). So here is the excerpt of what our reporter could understand of what Mr Iyer was trying to tell all the mallu people through “Asainet TV”. The following is a vague translation from Malayalam into English… Please bear with us as the interpreter doesn’t know either proper English or Malayalam.

Please note that the following statements are made in Sachin Tendulkaresque voice ala “Visa Power… Go Get It” or “Boost is the secret of my energy” wala sound and accent…

I am thrilled and overwhelmed at this century and I would like to thank sameera reddy, udita goswami, my neighbours dog, my doodhwaala, my kaamwaali bai, my vadapaav wala, my paanwaala and all other people who are not even remotely connected to me or the centuiyery that I have scored. They all don’t have any contributions for this performance and I thank them for having no contribution or else things could have been worse

This is the second time that I have reached the magical figure hundred, the last time being when the local cops asked me to count the 100 whiplashes that they mercilessly gifted me for eve teasing a middle-aged aunty in my locality. That 100 is still etched in my mind (and my spinal cord) but this one is very special

I especially like the style in which I reached the century. Hitting a boundary at 99 is always special other than Sehwag who completes his century by hitting a sixer when on 94. I will try and reach for the double century in that style” (Damn the forgetful director for not keeping a track of the number of posts…)

If you look closely the score is 103* where the * tells you that I will be back for more. I would look at trying and breaking Lara’s individual record of 501. But as an Indian I would be more than satisfied if I could overhaul the combined Sri Lankan total of 952 (serves them right… saala sablog draw ke liye khelta hai). But that again is a long way to go. I will take one post at a time, screw it to the hilt and then provide it to the readers to puke their guts out. I don’t believe in planning for the long term as I am suffering from hypermetropia and can’t see/foresee anything from a distance

Second lastly, to set the records straight, let me state that I do not play for records. I would be the most happiest if my effort brings about the team’s victory. I believe that team priority is more important than individual landmarks. Thus said, I would like to warn my captain to not declare the blog closed when I am in my 190’s or 290’s or 390’s or else I would not only screw his happiness in public but also get him out of the current playing 11 (the coach is a good friend of mine)

And lastly, let me thank this wonderful audience who cheered (read it as booed for better effect) me across every post that I scored and finding such support when playing away from home ground is always encouraging. You all have been a wonderful audience.

*Cut back to this post*

For all who still are confused with the theme / text / extract / anything of this post, we have tried to celebrate our 100 posts (actually 103 posts… 99 pe boundary… remember) in the narration style of a batsman scoring a century and the way he speaks to the interviewer who is onto getting onto some higher TRP for the channels. If you still haven’t got any clue, it’s alright… it’s but natural to be clueless on Iyerospace. We hope to score a big one… though looking at the pace of it, we would score the second century much slower than what “Mudassar Nazar” scored (he is in record books for scoring the slowest century in test matches)

adios…

Friday, May 26, 2006

Reservation Redux!!!

Firstly there was a fictional post on Resiyervation which asked for some reservation for south Indians. Now comes the factual part. Since everybody is talking about the Da Vinci Code, which is a concoction of fact and fiction, Iyerospace has decided to cash in on the same funda and make a good mixture of fact and fiction. Since the fiction part is already rolled out, its now time to roll out the facts. Not exactly the facts, but some thing that could actually be facts in the future to come.

Some of you would ask us, how could we refer this post as a post about facts. For once, we have decided to spell reservation as it is and not as resIYERvations… and secondly, we are giving you guarantee that the things/incidents that we are narrating, though currently not existing will exist in the future and hence they are futuristic facts. Now in case you guys are still clueless, do understand that it’s very natural to be clueless on Iyerospace. So you can go ahead and read the rest of the post.

Firstly let me thank the “Shri Ram Gang” (SRG) for initiating this discussion on the 8:11 local and thus giving me an idea of making this post. Most of the ideas stated herein are a mix-mash of our ideas and the SRG ideas. Now that we are done with the felicitation ceremony, let’s move ahead and look at reservations from a future perspective. We mean, what reservation would mean to other fields other than the currently debated education field. Here goes the list… Read it at your own risk…

  • Olympics: The Olympics team that the country represents will have a healthy mix of Reserved (R) *** and Non Reserved (NR) players and administrators. But the catch here is that a bronze medal earned by an R player would be equal to gold. Similarly just participation certificates earned by R players would be equal to bronze medals. This, we are sure, is one fool proof way to better the medals tally for India (which currently stands at 1 medal every Olympic for the past 20 years or so)
  • Cricket: The cricket team will also have a healthy mix (I don’t find any other alternative for healthy, so please cope) of R & NR players. And applying the current logic of our PM, we can actually have 22 players playing in Team India instead of 11. We can thus cover all our fielding loopholes and not to mention have the “deepest” batting order with the tail not in sight at all. Also the R players have to be bowled thrice to be out once, have to bowl 3 wides/no balls to be counted as 1 etc can be added benefits to the team. We are sure, with this kind of system in place, Ricky Ponting and his team would be on their way down already.
  • Advertisements: So we have 11 cricketers in a team Samsung ad or have 10 kids in whirlpool ad. Henceforth all the characters in advertisement will have a healthy mix (again) of R and NR categories. And the characters should be equally given importance so that the R category doesn’t get sidelined (or side-kicked) for that matter. The same goes for movies and other forms of visual media. After all, everyone needs to share the limelight equally.
  • Law (Breaking): This is one area where the R class people will have the best of facilities, so to speak. Three offences by an R class member will be equal to one offence from an NR class member. This rule will extend to offences like jumping red lights, thefts, robbery, dacoitery to more advanced offences like drug trafficking, murder, attempt to murder, conspiracy, organized crimes etc. We are sure that this is one GREAT way to reduce the hugely growing and uncontrollable population problem.
  • Travel: The current differentiation of classes like first and second class for trains, business and economy class for planes etc will all be a passé. The new classification will be R and NR class where seats will be reserved for R category separately. And apart from seats reserved for ladies, old age and handicapped people in buses we could also see seats reserved for the ‘reserved’ just for kicks. Moreover, using the current logic, if an R person is very lucky or very early or both, he could get a ticket in the NR class but we are not sure if the vice versa is possible. We just wish that our ‘window seat’ in the 8:11 local doesn’t get reserved… We like it very much :-(
And finally…
  • Blogging: We are quite sure that, if, this trend continues like this, we would have great amount of reservations in Blogs too. It would be in the form of having a healthy mix of R & NR members in your blog roll, moderating your comments in such a way that one’s comment section has a mix-mash of R & NR category comments, and also having an equal mix of posts from both the R and the NR category. Phew… what a nightmare?


*** Currently pegged at around 53% (which makes the general category as more of a reservation) and will change with the rules and regulations brought by some commission or our own HRD ministry.

These are just a few avenues that could fit into our tiny lil head where reservation could find an entry and get itself all comfy and all. We urge you to come up with other possible avenues in the comments section.

Everyone including us is looking for a day when India would be number one in the world and we are sure that the sure-shot way of achieving the same would be through reservations? Sahi bola na baap?

adios…

Monday, May 22, 2006

Static Randomness…

Some random thoughts about the various states, the people and the lingo in those states, hence the title. But you will have to accept the fact that the title more sounds like Stephen Hawking's theory, which I will guarantee it is not. So if you are a nerd trying to understand galaxies and metaphysics and cosmic consciousness, please exit right away. For the others, please refer to the below stated rules before you begin the process of reading.

Rule No 1: Please do not read if you are weak hearted.

Rule No 2: Also do not read if you are strong hearted or else you will be weak hearted and Rule No 1 will be applicable.

  • Iyerospace have conducted a thoroughbred research on why lot many Tamilians are part of the IT industry? It is because of the fact that they use the word “super” more than anybody else in the world. Super machaan, Super padam (film), Super Star Rajnikaant et al are general usage of the word ‘Super’ in daily lingo. Now this “super()” is also happens to be a most used function (initializing function / default constructor to be more specific for the techies) in JAVA, which is a very hot technology these days. Now linking ‘Super’ to ‘super()’ we can deduce that Tamilians have greater probability of being successful in the IT sector.

  • Another surprising fact. All malayalee males have two names. One their original name (like Unnikrishnan, Mohanlal etc) and the other default name “Chetan”. Don’t believe me ask any malayalee woman and she will tell you that she calls every guy she knows, right from brother to husband to friend to boyfriend as her “Chetan(Chetan = Brother in mallu). We are sure the mallu kids will have, by default, the title of “Chota Chetan”. The above is another reason why the “Chota Chetan” was made in Malayalam.

  • Non-telugu ladiejj who have the knowledge of Hindi should not be offended when two Telugu guys are inviting each other in Telugu and the word “randi” is being used quite often. They are NOT calling you a prostitute, so please don’t be offended. “Randi” in Telugu means to “come over”. We have actually seen weird reactions of females in my college when two Telugu professors used to call upon each other so that they could travel together. We had to do the difficult task of explaining the above to ladiejj.

  • This again for the ladiejj. Please do not go to a Bong dentist. If you still want to, do understand the fact that when he says “Taang Upar Karo” he actually means “Tongue Upar Karo” with a Bong Accent. A lot of ladiejj have charged poor Bong Dentists with charges of ulterior sexual motives after they heard the line “Taang Upar Karo”. Leave the poor guy alone puhleez.

  • When you hear a guy from Delhi / Punjab using the word “Pancho” time and again, do understand that, that guy isn’t by any way referring to either the “Pandavas” or the characters of the serial “Hum Paanch”. When someone is using “Pancho” time and again you will have to reply with a “Macho” as both ‘Pancho’ and ‘Macho’ are short form of gaalis (Bh#$#$#od & Ma#$#$#od) respectively.


Our knowledge of states and their respective lingos are restricted to only 5. We had options in school you see, that’s why we decided to leave out the other states and their respective lingos and all. But I think this is enough crap for one post. So that’s it. Make full use of the above tips to understand/counter people from the above stated regions.

All the Best…

adios…

PS: If you have forgotten Rule No 1 & 2 by now, we suggest that you better get a checkup done just to be on the safer side ;)

Friday, May 19, 2006

The RR Varma Code…

Now there is this movie, “The Da Vinci Code” that is creating a lot of communal problems with its release. We at Iyerospace believe in “Freedom of Expression” but at the same time we also understand the religious sentiments that are hurt by some over the top expressions expressed with too much freedom. Not that we are making any kind of moral / ethical judgment on the upcoming movie or its release. Standing on neutral grounds has always been our style. We don’t take sides (We prefer to be centre stage).

Jokes apart (and moving onto other jokes), we at Iyerospace have decided to make a movie for the ones who will take “The Da Vinci Code” (DVC) to heart or decide to take it too personally. It is called, as you might have rightly guessed by now, “The RR Varma Code” (RVC). Sounds interesting right? Now let’s dig into the details.

Disclaimer: We are proud to announce that RVC would be completely inspired on the movie DVC and we have full-fledgedly internalized all parts/aspects/plots of DVC into RVC. Hence any form of co-incidence is expected and bound to happen. And pardon the spellings, the French are very bad at naming themselves.

  • Just as DVC is based on a world renowned painter Leonardo Da Vinci and the mysterious messages that he conveyed through his paintings, RVC is based on "world famous in south-india" painter Raja Ravi Varma (hence RR Varma and not because of Ramgopal Varma, clear hai???) and the inscrutable messages that he left on his paintings.

  • The central characters in DVC are called Robert Langdon & Sophie Neveau (pardon the mishtakes in esspelling, we are like that only). The main characters in DVC will be named as Rangarajan Lakshmanan & Subbalakshmi Nagarajan. (Initials & south-indianisms are very important to the essence of the characters). And not to mention, both the characters belong to the prestigious Iyer & Iyengar lineage respectively.

  • DVC starts with a mysterious death of a Jaques Sauniere, the chief curator of a museum. RVC would start with the death of Jagadishan Suryanarayanan a chief namboodiri of a famous temple in Kerala.

  • The dead curator leaves clues in the form of Da Vinci’s innumerable paintings and the hidden truths in them. The dead namboodiri leaves clues on a trail of banana leaves (don’t confuse between the leaves [verb] and the leaves [noun]) and point them to RR Varma’s paintings that has some strange things in the reckoning.

  • The story of DVC unfolds and figures out the connection between the curator and a secret society called “The Priory of Sion” and strangely Da Vinci, at some point, was a part of this society. RVC establishes a link between the namboodiri and a secret society called “The Treasury of Titwala” and the fact that RR Varma, at some point in time, was a part of this society. (For Non-Mumbaiites, Sion and Titwala happen to be two suburbs in and the outskirts of Mumbai. And for God’s sake, Titwala isn’t a transvestite by any chance)

  • The Priory of Sion”, in DVC, is supposedly the bearer of the secret of the fact that Jesus was married and had a lineage. “The Treasury Of Titwala” on the other hand allegedly has an excel sheet containing the names of all the 16,008 wives of Lord Krishna and another database that claims to have the names of the kids of each of these 16,008 wives, which essentially means that about half of south India are the blood relatives of Krishna. (Now don’t ask us stupid questions like how can an age old secret society work with Excel and Database. Such questions will be ignored).

  • The search by the main characters in DVC eventually happens for the “Holy Grail”. The quest by the main characters in RVC happens for the “Holy Flute” that the lord used to play and lure each and every of the 16,008 ladies in his life.

This is all that we can reveal at this point in time. You see this movie is a thrilling suspense and we don’t want to kill the fun by revealing everything at this point in time. And also because we are sure that if everything is revealed here, then no one’s going to watch the movie. What say? Dont have to, we already know it… so we will abruptly end it here so that you can go and personally watch the movie. You can watch either of DVC or RVC. We have mutually exclusive markets here.


PS:

This post was just made in pure humour and we expect people to take it in a good spirit. We equally respect Krishna & Jesus and we believe they are way too noble to be affected by a lil post like this.

Words of Wisdom: (Pretty Rare here)

  • All gods are unaffected by any & all kinds of these expressions. It is US who decide if something is right or wrong for them? Are we powerful enough to make moral judgments for HIM, the ALMIGHTY? We DON’T THINK SO…

  • FAITH is very important in life. And if anybody’s faith is hurt by any/every such form of expression, we are sure that it wasn’t faith at all at the first place. And faith doesn’t require expression of any form/medium (audio, visual, newspaper et al) to express itself.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Phillums phor your phone…

First there were Bollywood crossovers, which involved concocting two Bollywood movies and make a new one. Then it was followed by Techno Bollywood that involved the unusual marriage of technology and Bollywood. Taking cue from the above two concepts and also looking at the fact that India is one of the fastest growing markets for mobile technology we here have decided to provide suggestions to the Bollywood producers and directors to make movies for the up market mobile segment.

The market nowadays is full of the so called ‘smart phones’. To the layman a smart phone is an all-in-one-cum-everything phone that has all the features of phone, camera, audio, video, PDA etc. For the not so layman, you can go here and read everything that you want to know about smart phones.

Okay so we have all forms of smart phones out there in the market. But do we have content that is targeted at smart phones? Think again… We say we don’t. DPS and MMS though can be technically stated as content for smart phones but that is for strict personal viewing. We do not discuss strict personal viewing contents here. We are a family blog. We will refrain to discuss the above. But we can take the discussions to healthy levels.

Here we look at what is missing from the current generation smart phones. We say CONTENT. What we see here is a dearth of content (read movies) that should be made for the smart phones. The content should be such that it should reflect the feelings and emotions of the phone (if at all it has any). So Iyer Education comes to the rescue and suggests the Bollywood producers and directors to redo / remake certain movies (English and Hindi) for the more upbeat smart phone market. The list can be endless and you can continue to get inspired by any and every movie and make a mobile version of the same… To kick off with the guidance process, here are a few samples to show you that we just don’t preach… we also practice… to a certain extent…



  • Give Missed Call for Murder (E): The story of an ex-tennis pro, who decides to murder his wife for her money and because was seen in an MMS in a compromising position with someone else. He blackmails the guy in the MMS to give her continuous missed calls (with a new number obviously… if she slept with him, she must have surely known his old number naa). And the guy who was supposed to kill, instead, gets killed and the entire suspicion is transferred to this tennis pro’s wife. You have to actually see the movie to see the suspense unfold…

  • MMS – The Scandal (H): It is the story of a soldier who once finds out that his father committed suicide after the father sees his son’s body double in a widely circulated MMS. The soldier suspects a city attorney to have shot this MMS and bring ill-repute to the family. In the end it turns out that it is the attorney’s father-in-law who is the culprit and who is into the business of spy / hidden cams (pervert father-in-law I say).

  • Sony Ericsson (H): Sven Goran Ericsson dreams of meeting a beautiful girl and he travels to seek her out. He finds her in the shape and form of Sony the daughter of a poor battery maker. Sony and Ericsson both fall in love instantly. But LG from Sony’s village has already decided to marry her, and he creates a gigiantic wall of misunderstandings and obstacles to prevent the two lovers from meeting again. But as it is often said… the rest is history…

  • Phonebook (E): A slick New York publicist who picks up a mobile phone from the ground told to make calls to the entire contact list (also known as Phonebook in the older phones) of about a million people and ask for apologies or else he'll be killed... and the little red light from a laser rifle sight is proof that the caller isn't kidding.

  • CDMA (H): A young technology receives an injury in a telecom mishap and ends up in a WLL (brothel). She is rescued by a young engineer who takes the technology to his home in the mountains. Meanwhile, her inventors (parents) and the cops are looking for her, and just as she is cured, they come to take her back to the location of origin of the signal.

  • Bluetooth Kanya (H): The central story is of the Bluetooth connection between Nokia 7710 the Untouchable (that’s why they give the stylus with it) and Motorazor the Touchable, in spite of dissimilarities between them. Later, when the main protagonists (cell phones) are about to pair with each other using blue tooth, viruses and maliciousness again intervene to trigger renewed violence and thus no happy endings.


That’s about it for now… You can, in the same way, come up with millions of other movies each for a different handset… Now if anyone out there is reading this and planning to actually “implement” this idea… Please do not think twice, contact us and we will tell you where to mail the royalty cheques… err mmm… We prefer Demand Drafts… They don’t bounce… hehe

All descriptions courtesy IMDB.

adios…

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

8:11

For all those who think that this post might provide some sneak preview behind the preparations of 9/11 and for the other lot who think that this blog belongs to some Al Qaeda operative, please stop thinking on those lines. We are very sad to inform you that neither is this post about incidents on a day before the dreadful 9/11 day nor is it that we are the operatives of Al Qaeda. We are simple fellows residing out of India and look forward to world peace and global cooling. (Global cooling would definitely win us miss universe if we were allowed to contest in them)

8:11 is the local train from Andheri to Churchgate that we take on a day to day basis. 8:11 is the only action we are performing consistently (other than turning up at work and doing nothing). It is basically the story of 3 guys (Rajeev, Baangdu & Yours Truly) taking the 8:11 train on a daily basis to commute to their respective workplaces. By the very sound of it 8:11 sounds to be a mere local train. But before you draw any inferences of your own, let us warn you that 8:11 is not just any local train. It is a full fledged “ecosystem” by itself. Yes, you read it right… An Ecosystem… For the sake of clarity in this case, let us define ecosystem as “any and every form of entertainment that one might require on a train journey”. Let’s roll…

To start off with 8:11 is the kind of local train that one should travel to get to experience the fact that not all of Mumbai local trains are as crowded as they are portrayed to be. This is a relatively comfortable train and hence we all travel by this train and reach our offices even before the janitor reaches the office and begins his daily routine. We always get the window seat and yours truly and Baangdu have an unwritten/unspoken/unstated pact that we share the window seat on an alternate day basis. And poor Rajeev never bothers for the window seat as the air ruffles through his hair and leaves them all disheveled. The ecosystem begins to evolve once we are seated comfortably in the train at Andheri Station.

Our seat faces right opposite the entrance to the station, so first and foremost of our actions would be to gracefully look at women entering the platform. A fat lady buys a newspaper and rushes towards the ladies compartment, a thin lady getting off the rickshaw holding her bag, paying the driver and trying to run to the ladies compartment all at the same time. Some college kids (we often tend to overlook the men at this stage because the only thing that we would look at & interact with, once the journey begins would be them) chirpily having the time of their life. Then there are middle aged ladies in all colorful sarees all running helter and skelter to make sure that they get to the compartment before the train departs. Then there are couples who walk hand in hand and there too we manage to ignore the guys and concentrate on the ladies. All in all, we say it is a beautiful sight. I mean the sight isn’t beautiful; it’s the ladies that are…

Then there is this bunch of kids who roam around in compartments looking for customers who can get their shoes polished by them. The compartments are all properly shared amongst them. No kid can dare to lurk into other kids’ territory. These kids are mischievous and sometimes border onto the lines of being notorious with customers. But they are fun. They look like they are an inevitable part of this train and take that much effort in getting the customer’s legs (read shoes) looking all “chakachak”.

We are then joined by a couple of southie guys from Shree Ram Nagar (a locality near Andheri Station). We call them the “shree ram gang”. These guys talk incessantly in Tamil with intermittent bursts of Hindi and English, the later when conversing with us. The main topic of discussion all the way from Andheri to Churchgate would be the “stock market” & “mutual funds”. We have done some eavesdropping ourselves and taken some investment cues from them. Sometimes the discussion moves into more interesting areas like football and cricket when these topics are intentionally raised by either Baangd or Rajeev or me. But all in all this gang is fun to travel with.

Then this guy walks in, the one who stands outside with a smoke in hand. He walks into the train and looks for a seat that has a neat headrest. He neatly keeps his bag on the top berth and dozes his way off to glory all the way till Churchgate. He wakes up just a few seconds away from Churchgate station. This guy is so damn good that we have named him “Ricky Ponting” for his sheer consistency. We wish we could have had such “beauty naps” in trains every now and then. But with Baangdu and Rajeev for company I don’t think that’s possible in this lifetime. This guy is seen missing from the train for the last month or so. Looks like he has received kumbhakarna’s curse to sleep for 6 months and eat for 6 months. We will be waiting for him for the next 5.

*The train proceeds to Vile Parle Station*

And we look at this weird looking Aunty for just kicks. Baangdu has “discovered” the presence of this aunty at Vile Parle station. We secretly admire her weirdness and then heave a sigh (prolly of relief) when the train moves on.

*The train chugs away to Bandra Station*

There is this uncle who has silver curly hair; hair that resembles the famous Columbian footballer ‘Carlos Valderama’. We have fondly named him “Valder-Mama(Mama is Uncle in hindi/marathi). Again this is a joint discovery of Baangdu and Rajeev. He also reminds us of our funny bones friend Krupal who is close buddies with Alap, Abhi & Paras. Believe me guys, this is krupal when he is old.

*We are past Mahim and are just about reaching matunga Station*

All eyes are transfixed outside the window as there is a superstar to be seen. The superstar of the 8:11 local. Though he doesn’t travel by the 8:11 local he still stands out to be the superstar of the same. There is this "perenially punctual" guy at Matunga station who is always standing there in front of our window. This guy is either talking to himself or reading out the newspaper loudly to himself. Whatever he does, it is a monologue. There is no second person, third umpire or fourth umpire involved in it. And that is a worthwhile scene. This person is missing ever since the day we decided to capture him on camera. I think he is out on a maternity leave. God bless him with a good child (preferably a one that speaks to others).

Those, my dear bunties and bublies, are our daily dose of madness. The journey that is so full of weirdness, wackiness and of course happinesss, all the way from Andheri To Churchgate. Chalo abhi bahut pakaya…

adios…

Saturday, May 06, 2006

iMail

Oh puhleeeez… this post is not about us (I, Iyer, Iyest) proclaiming that we are all males… don’t read it that way… we definitely are males and we don’t need to proclaim it… Neither is it about any new add-on / extension to the iPod. We are not too rich to be owning an iPod. Not at least now.

This is regarding a new service that is being jointly started by us. Now this service is still at its nascent stages, if you let us explain, for us, nascent means on paper (or MS Word). Now when we say it’s on paper, it technically doesn’t mean that it’s already on paper. It means that it will be on paper as and when we continue typing this.

As you must have guessed it, if at all you have, this is a new & wonderful mailing service designed by us. The ‘i’ here in the iMail service should technically be standing for ‘Iyer’ but for all practical reasons (read it as to prevent eruption of communal riots) we have decided to call it ‘Iyer’. So if Gmail is Google Mail, then iMail is Iyer Mail. Oh let us mention beforehand, these two have nothing in common. We are just inspired by Google (Who is not?).

iMail is designed taking into consideration the daily wants of the south Indian communities at large. The so called ‘end user requirements’ are very complex in nature and are not satisfied by any of the current email service providers, free or paid. Hence iMail is an example of an opportunity that is waiting to be exploited which is being successfully done by us. (We might just ask Michael Porter / Stephen Hawking to write a management / scientific theory on the same).

A natural progression to the write up would be to understand and delve into the features of iMail. So without any further ado, let’s look into the same.



Multilanguage: Mails can be sent and received in popular south Indian languages like Tamil, Malayalam, Telugu, Kannada etc. On the basis of popular demand from the giant south Indian IT parade, mails can be also sent in foreign languages like C, Java and Cobol etc.


Advanced Personal Information: Apart from the clichéd information like Name, DOB, Gender etc iMail will also store Advance personal information like Gotra & Nakshatra. These details can be further used for personalized kundli matching between members in case any of the members decide to tie the knot.


Default Contact List: All email accounts with iMail will have a default contact list with them which includes contacts of the all important vaadyaars, namboodiris, cooks, astrologers et al. These contacts would be, for the owners, sponsored contact links that will provide us with revenue to be on the default contact list. So all your cooks and astrologers are just a couple of keystrokes away from you.


Almanac - Panchangam: No more storing of emails as per English calendar. Nah… Illai… No… All the details will be stored as per the Hindu calendar. All the tidhi,vara, naksatra, yoga and, karana will be displayed to the user thus keeping the tradition alive. Special features included here would be in the form of
  1. The user has to only enter his / her date of birth (as per English calendar) and the calendar calculates the hindu calendar birthday year after year. So no more going back to elders to get your hindu calendar birthday.

  2. Important dates like amavasya et al will be color coded in the calendar and timely reminders of the same would be sent to the users to remind them of such dates.


Pooja Corner: (Arey baba, it is not about finding pooja in a corner or trying to corner pooja)Links to popular shlokas, mantras & bhajans will be available to the user, which can be used by the user at his/her discretion. A natural progression to these would be an e-Pooja corner where the user would be able to perform various forms of poojas online. This will please all the maamas, maamis and the new order tech savvy bandwagon alike.


Personalised Warnings: All those “Warning!!! Your mailbox is 98% full” are a passé. We provide 10GB of space for each email id. But does that mean we are off warnings? Naah… Warnings are our USP. The users will be warned of the dire consequences if they are mailing during the inauspicious ‘Rahu Kalam’. Gulika Kalam and Yama Gandam are natural extensions of the inauspicious time zones to be added to the warning section.



We think these are enough features for us to take this piece of document to some well known (preferable south Indian) venture capitalist and show them this “brilliant(alright, you can object) piece of business plan and get around $30 Million as initial capital investment for this project. What say?

Will keep you guys informed about the developments in the project…

adios…

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Resiyervations…

First up; a moment of silence for the sad demise of Pramod Mahajan. We believe that he was one of the more charismatic personalities in Indian Politics and he really deserved a better future in Indian Politics.

Back to crap business. One of the hottest news that is doing circles in Indian news papers is the issue of reservation. The issue of reservation in education and employment. We are not the kind to follow news on a regular basis… for…

  1. Our lack of interest in reading and

  2. Sameera’s pics not appearing daily on newspapers.

But all that apart. We still have my own views about reservation. But we will refrain from giving our views on the same. Why? Because this is no serious blog to have views and counterviews and all that crappola. Our knowledge about reservation policies are all scattered and in total tidbits. Let us share them with you, in case you are looking for something worthwhile to read around here.

{Start Serious Session}

The earliest that I had heard about reservation was The Mandal Commission. Then it was followed by a spate of judgements passed by Justice Jahagirdar(JJ) where this JJ guy revised all the fee structures of all Management/Engineering/Medical colleges and the new fee structures were more favourable towards the reserved categories. And now, students protesting both online and offline against increase in reserved categories in IIT’s, IIM’s and certain other central universities.

{End Serious Session}

Now back to business… err err… or the lack of it…

This post isn’t about taking sides. We dont take sides. (We walk right through the middle causing traffic jams and accidents) It is about the formal announcement of recommendations of this new commission called the “Iyer Commission” made by us. The recommendations are made towards the “Resiyervation” issues and the need for resiyervation for the south Indians. When everyone is jumping into the reservation bandwagon how can the southies then stay behind? They too have decided to “haath dhofy when the ganga is behing” and decided to come up with resiyervation policies for themselves. So here it goes. The list of recommendations by the “Iyer Commission”.

The recommendations outline the set of industries / activities / actions and all other possible verbs where resiyervation is required. A word of caution for all the non-south-Indians; please forget the following popular quote “All South Indians Are Madrasis”. There… now we can proceed with the areas where we suggest resiyervations.

Eating
We suggest that 40% of the vegetables be resiyerved for us. We wouldn’t like to end up in uncomfortable situations where we end up eating only curd and rice because all other things are variants of some meat or the other. We also want 42% resiyervation in idli/dosa batter so that these can be put to constructive use when we need to snack and not end up eating anything with “pav”. Filter coffee to be used exclusively by us and can be rented/hired to other communities for royalty.

Bollywood
We are sick and tired to see a dearth of “south Indian superstars” in Bollywood. A once in 15 years inspector-mohanlal-with-thick-mallu-accent is not acceptable to us by any standards. We need that every Bollywood movie (of all grades from A-Z) should have atleast one shuuupershtaaar from down south to represent us. We should have resiyerved rights to display our artistic skills to a wide array of people around the world and make money out of the largest movie churning Bollywood fillum industry.

Cricket
L Balaji, T Yohanan & Dinesh Kaarthick being in and out of the team, regardless of whether they perform or not is not acceptable to us. Therefore we demand that the Indian cricket team have atleast 2 people as south Indians and atleast 1 in the playing 11. We also demand that atleast one of the selectors to be a southie and one of the top notch members in BCCI be a southie. I mean all these guys minting money without a single paisa percolating down south is not a good thing you see. 2011 world cup in India coming up… Be prepared all you southies to make the most out of the opportunity that would be given to you

Politics
The only way to restore people’s confidence back into politics would be to have seats resiyerved for southies. 1/7th of the seats of Loksabha and Rajyasabha need to be resiyerved for southies. The assemblies from which these guys would be selected need not necessarily be south. It can be North North East also. In addition to the above, one of either the PM or the Prez should be a southie. The nation is then in safe hands I say.

I think this ultra-micro-mini-list would do for the first-cut rough draft. The detailed list is being made and will be submitted to the Home Minister for review and then presented in the parliament for passing this bill and then making this as an act. If you are lucky enough to have read this, do remember that this is a landmark recommendation in the field of resiyervation… and do not forget… you read it first on Iyerospace.

adios…