“Higher (also pronounced as Iyer) Budget 06-07”, is what I have decided to call it and it has got nothing to do with financial matters relating to India and the rest of the world. This budget has got things that are so trivial and so useless that even if rag pickers were to look at it, they would refuse to carry this “kachra” with them. I mean what more proof do you need to underline the uselessness of this budget. So without any further ado, let’s just move onto business (or the lack of it).
As the finance minister will begin every statement with the following line and so do I (technically it can be termed as copying but do you think I care about what you think about what I care and what I don’t… just forget it naa yaar) and it goes “I propose…” (Preferably Sameera Reddy… but then first things first… read ahead)
- That the Big B stops endorsing 23,456 of the 45,678 brands that he is already endorsing. This is a great step forward for the “Small Scale Models & Actors” and would also help us in differentiating “Dabur Hajmola / Pudin Hara” from “Cadbury’s Dairy Milk” as 23.78% of the people suffering from gas and acidity end up eating “Dairy Milk” instead of “Hajmola / Pudinhara” & another 14.76% of the people celebrate occassions by swallowing "Hajmola / Pudinhara" instead of the normal "Dairy Milk" thus making the situation more uncomfortable, painful and most importantly confusing.
- That all on-screen kisses and smooches to fall under VAT (Vandalizing Audience Thoughts). The VAT slabs are 4% and 12.5%. All kisses and smooches will be charged depending upon the number of them in one movie. Movies with less than 20 smooches will be charged @ 4% and movies with more than 20 smooches will be charged @ 12.5%. The emerging market for “Emraan Kiss-me” type movies/actors/actresses has encouraged this step and someday India will be a global hub for kissing / smooching.
- That MS Dhoni, John Abraham, Paras and Bhappi Lahiri to be given subsidized hair cuts with the government spending for 98% of the haircut value and the remaining 2% can be arranged by themselves or through personal loans provided to them from all the leading banks at a nominal rate of 3.5%. The entire woman population running after long haired men and finding them hot has called for this drastic step. Rakesh Roshan, Jagmohan Dalmiya, Apoo, Alap & Salman Khan are exempted from this clause.
- That Ganguly to be given permanent rest from cricket. A Special Corpus Fund named “Gajar Fund” (Ga-Ja-R = Ganguly-Jagmohan-Ranbir) to be created to support the life of the greatest Indian captain ever. This fund includes the opportunity cost involved in his quitting cricket (and thus the commercials) and also the cost involved into switching into another sport like mud slinging, pie throwing and the likes. The interest generated from this fund will be used to fund the monthly salary of Ranbir Singh Mahendra & Jagmohan Dalmiya, both of them close aides of Ganguly
- That raising cocks will attract interest. (Dirty minds… read ahead). Following the spate of Bird Flu. All poultry farms will pay a penalty of in the form of CID (Cock Interest Damage) to the central government. This is done kept in mind the interests of all the non-veggies across India and provide more hygienic conditions for cocks & hens. (chee chee… kya pata kya soch rahe the tum log). Safe cocks are promised for FY 06-07 and bird flu will be eradicated by 2020.
- That all firang babes, (the firang babes who were driven out for lack of availability of Indian citizenship… remember?) will be given Indian Citizenship without any questions asked if they produce the SLUT (Staying Low Under Traditions) certificate which will be available for only $12,345. This will attract flow of FII (Foreign Items & Item Numbers) into India and keep the film industry and all the viewers “warm”.
- That all the politicians and the wannabe politicians will have to go through the PEE (Politicians Eligibility Exams) process to be eligible for being in politics. These exams will have an entrance fee (quite similar to the fee that you pay at sulabh shauchalaya to PEE[susu]), the proceeds of which will be used for Economic Growth & Development of the country. Failure to pass any of these exams will not allow any seats in either the government or the opposition.
There my friends I have put up “My Budget” and with that I rest my case (and my ass too… it’s tiring to stand up and read the entire budget). Please go through it carefully and let me know if the budget was acceptable to you or not. It is alright if it is not. I don’t care. Did you forget, it’s the “Higher Budget”. I would like to end this with a favorite verse (from a hindi film song) of mine…
“Budget ke is paar… Budget ke us paar”
“Goonjti chan chana nan… ye Iyer ki sarkaar”
(original song from the movie Sargam – Parbat Ke Is Paar by Lata Mangeshkar)
Category: Iyer Related