Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Iyer Budget!!!

Today our finance minister will be presenting yet another union budget to the government of India. At least at this point of time, as I am writing this, I have no idea of what is going to be presented or what plans are cooking in his head. But I plan to have my own plans… plans regarding having a budget of my own and presenting it to my fellow Bloggers, Friends and all the Bunties & Bablies… (Yes the ones who leave me in the time of distress and are always with me when I am not around… but am I complaining? No I am not…)

Higher (also pronounced as Iyer) Budget 06-07”, is what I have decided to call it and it has got nothing to do with financial matters relating to India and the rest of the world. This budget has got things that are so trivial and so useless that even if rag pickers were to look at it, they would refuse to carry this “kachra” with them. I mean what more proof do you need to underline the uselessness of this budget. So without any further ado, let’s just move onto business (or the lack of it).

As the finance minister will begin every statement with the following line and so do I (technically it can be termed as copying but do you think I care about what you think about what I care and what I don’t… just forget it naa yaar) and it goes “I propose…” (Preferably Sameera Reddy… but then first things first… read ahead)

  • That the Big B stops endorsing 23,456 of the 45,678 brands that he is already endorsing. This is a great step forward for the “Small Scale Models & Actors” and would also help us in differentiating “Dabur Hajmola / Pudin Hara” from “Cadbury’s Dairy Milk” as 23.78% of the people suffering from gas and acidity end up eating “Dairy Milk” instead of “Hajmola / Pudinhara” & another 14.76% of the people celebrate occassions by swallowing "Hajmola / Pudinhara" instead of the normal "Dairy Milk" thus making the situation more uncomfortable, painful and most importantly confusing.

  • That all on-screen kisses and smooches to fall under VAT (Vandalizing Audience Thoughts). The VAT slabs are 4% and 12.5%. All kisses and smooches will be charged depending upon the number of them in one movie. Movies with less than 20 smooches will be charged @ 4% and movies with more than 20 smooches will be charged @ 12.5%. The emerging market for “Emraan Kiss-me” type movies/actors/actresses has encouraged this step and someday India will be a global hub for kissing / smooching.

  • That MS Dhoni, John Abraham, Paras and Bhappi Lahiri to be given subsidized hair cuts with the government spending for 98% of the haircut value and the remaining 2% can be arranged by themselves or through personal loans provided to them from all the leading banks at a nominal rate of 3.5%. The entire woman population running after long haired men and finding them hot has called for this drastic step. Rakesh Roshan, Jagmohan Dalmiya, Apoo, Alap & Salman Khan are exempted from this clause.

  • That Ganguly to be given permanent rest from cricket. A Special Corpus Fund named “Gajar Fund” (Ga-Ja-R = Ganguly-Jagmohan-Ranbir) to be created to support the life of the greatest Indian captain ever. This fund includes the opportunity cost involved in his quitting cricket (and thus the commercials) and also the cost involved into switching into another sport like mud slinging, pie throwing and the likes. The interest generated from this fund will be used to fund the monthly salary of Ranbir Singh Mahendra & Jagmohan Dalmiya, both of them close aides of Ganguly

  • That raising cocks will attract interest. (Dirty minds… read ahead). Following the spate of Bird Flu. All poultry farms will pay a penalty of in the form of CID (Cock Interest Damage) to the central government. This is done kept in mind the interests of all the non-veggies across India and provide more hygienic conditions for cocks & hens. (chee chee… kya pata kya soch rahe the tum log). Safe cocks are promised for FY 06-07 and bird flu will be eradicated by 2020.

  • That all firang babes, (the firang babes who were driven out for lack of availability of Indian citizenship… remember?) will be given Indian Citizenship without any questions asked if they produce the SLUT (Staying Low Under Traditions) certificate which will be available for only $12,345. This will attract flow of FII (Foreign Items & Item Numbers) into India and keep the film industry and all the viewers “warm”.

  • That all the politicians and the wannabe politicians will have to go through the PEE (Politicians Eligibility Exams) process to be eligible for being in politics. These exams will have an entrance fee (quite similar to the fee that you pay at sulabh shauchalaya to PEE[susu]), the proceeds of which will be used for Economic Growth & Development of the country. Failure to pass any of these exams will not allow any seats in either the government or the opposition.

There my friends I have put up “My Budget” and with that I rest my case (and my ass too… it’s tiring to stand up and read the entire budget). Please go through it carefully and let me know if the budget was acceptable to you or not. It is alright if it is not. I don’t care. Did you forget, it’s the “Higher Budget”. I would like to end this with a favorite verse (from a hindi film song) of mine…

“Budget ke is paar… Budget ke us paar”
“Goonjti chan chana nan… ye Iyer ki sarkaar”

(original song from the movie Sargam Parbat Ke Is Paar by Lata Mangeshkar)


adios…
Category: Iyer Related

Monday, February 20, 2006

Professional Parodies - I

I am now going to use my prowess in the field of parodies to make songs in the lives of various professions. As in, what Bollywood songs will each professional sing albeit with changed lyrics to suit his/her profession? The original song and source will be provided so that you can hum the lyrics of the song with the tune. It can get rather pakaoo and disturbing to the normal human mind and brain, but then what else can you expect on Iyerospace.

This is a tough ask, but in times where I have no idea, I can at least pakaofy people around here with one idea stretched beyond limits until one day the reader decides to call his/her ISP and request closure of this blog, which in one way is a better way for this blog to die, instantly that is, instead of dying a slow and natural death, caused due to severe lack of ideas on behalf of the author. So this could be what we could term as a beginning of a rapid euthanasia treatment for this blog. Iyerospace will be lost in space after a couple of professions humming famous Bollywood songs.

I said to myself, let me do Shree Ganesha with my own profession. Software / IT that is. I guess Ideasmith would love to see the “Great South Indian Dream” people adapting Bollywood songs for their profession. So all you Software / IT professionals, please remember that I was one of you at some point in time (now I’m plain and simple useless) and empathize with me and my parodies.


Saagar – Sach Mere Yaar Hai – By SPB

Sach mere yaar hai, Bas wahi code hai…
Jo kabhi bhi runtime error na de
Baaki comments hai, yaar mere… haan yaar mere…

Sunte the ham… Ye language…Bahut hi user friendly hai…
Hamko magar, aaya nazar… Isme basss complications hai…
Kabhi design time ya run time mein problem de…
Apna compiler bhi fail hai… yaar mere… haan yaar mere…


Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa – Aye Kaash Ke Ham – Kumar Sanu

Aye kaash ke ham debug mode mein aane na paayein…
Bas successful iterations mein, program chalte jaaye…

Mera nahi hai… Yeh hai testers ka kaam…
Kuch to problem hai… chalo badhaye RAM…
Aur kuch nahi to restart karte jaaye…
Bas successful iterations mein, program chalte jaaye…


Anari – Kisiki Muskurahaton Pe Ho Nisaar – Mukesh

Kisi aur coder ke code to samajh ke dikhaaa…
Kisi aur ke variables ko delete karta jaaaaaa…
Kisike queries ko optimize karke dikhaaaaaa…
Tabhi tu asli developer haaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii…

Maana ke tu infosys ka nahi…
Maana tere pass nahi koi degree…
Magar tu gar ye sab kar paayega…
Aur ye karke hamko dikhlaayega…
Phir PM kya CEO bhi ye kahega…
Tu to asli developer haaaiii…


Dil Apna aur Preet Parayi – Ajeeb Daastaan Hai Yeh – Lata Mangeshkar

Ajeeb specifications hai ye…
Kahan shuru kahan khatam…
Ye kya design ban gayaaaa…
Na wo samajh sake na ham…

Google pe search karke tum…
Kuch bhi proposal banaoge…
Lekin jab code karne jaayenge…
To tum ekdum door bhagoge…


Some lame attempts at trying to underline the thoughts of a software developer. Please excuse any form of overstatements therein. Regardless of how you feel about this one, I will be back with writing parodies for more professions and professionals. So please bear with me. And if you cant, stop visiting Iyerospace. Simble…

adios…

PS: I will keep posting parodies on professions upto

1. You start pleading for Iyerospace to be shut down OR
2. I exhaust my knowledge of Roman Numerals

Whichever comes first ;)

Friday, February 17, 2006

Not so random thoughts…

There I lurk back into the world of random and strange thoughts mainly because of the lack of proper channel of thoughts and lack of any channelization to write a decent post. So here goes a list of traumatizing thoughts that come across to me and I expect you to share some of the trauma that it caused to me…


  • First there was a movie called “Aks” starring the Big B, Manoj Bajpai, Raveena Tandon et al. Just recently, there released another bomb of a movie called “Aksar” starring Emraan Kiss-me and Udita Goswa-me (drool drool). I suspect both of them to be prequels and sequels of each other. And there’s more… the last part of this trilogy will be released anytime in the future. And do you have any idea of what it will be called? “Aksest”…

  • Aks’ actually is a paofied (version of goan pao’s) of ‘Ask’. Haven’t you heard pao’s ‘aksin’ each other out on a date. So if I de-paofy ‘Aks’ and bring it back to the original ‘Ask’. And if I decide to make a sequel to it can I call it “ask her”(asker)? and can the last chunk of the trilogy be called “ask est”(askest) where est stands for Eastern Standard Time. And will any of the above movies make sense? I don’t think so

  • On similar lines, there was an award winning movie by the Big B. It was called Hum and was a multi-starrer and was directed by late Mukul Anand. Now assuming he was alive now and had decided to make a sequel to the movie, would he call it “Hummer” and if he did so, wouldn’t the American car company sue him for that?

  • If Al Gore swings to the tempo of the music, can we term the phenomenon as ‘AlgoRhythm’? Go ask George about that? I am sure he will have an answer!!!

  • If it takes “Two To Tango”, will it take “Many to Mango”? (Maaro Mujhe)

  • Why do people accuse Mallika Sherawat of having “No Dressing Sense” and not understand the fact that “No Dressing” is her sense!!! Please leave the poor gurl alone, will you?

  • What is consumerism these days getting into? Nowadays with cricket on rise we have Wool-mer taking on Chappal. I mean yes we know the retail industry is booming and all. But that doesn’t mean you start consumerising the coaches. Afterall they are prides of nations aren’t they?

  • If I were to contest in “Kazhakistan Idol - XXV” and showcase my talents there, I would still not make it, even if I am the only contestant to be participating there. I mean who would participate in “Kazhakistan Idol – XXV”? Would you?

  • When the thinking gets tough, the tough get blogging. When the thinking gets tougher, Oh f$%K!!! Where’s the blogger” – Padmashri Shigra Kavi.


adios…

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentinny…

Today, my friends, is St Valentines day…
When I thank god for not making me gay…
One more thing today which is not so funny…
Tis the budday of the poetess, arey baba winny

Iyeropatni gets annoyed and curses this day…
And asks god, why you made Iyer this way…
But in the end when it’s all said and done…
Iyeropatni is made for Iyer, YES!!! She is the one…

Winny on the other hand writes poem for moi…
And pleads everyone, “iske paas na jaaye koi”…
But a poem is a poem whether its night or day…
And this is what I write on the poetess’ budday… (total yuck material this is)

Winny, you should have all chocolates and all pastries…
As we need no excuses for you not writing poetries…
But please don’t over-eat yourself and get too fultoo…
And go ahead and write some shero-shayari in urdu…

1983 is the year when India won the world cup…
And the India’s best bowler happened to be Roger Binny…
2006, right here, right now, in the blogosphere…
The best poet(ess) around, that I know, happens to be Winny…


Happy Budday To You Winny… Have a great day and a great year ahead of you… God Bless You!!!

And thanks for all the poems that you have given us, though the only person who understood them was Bird (I still doubt him). And you can go and strangle his neck, if you don’t find this poem good… It’s all his idea :)

For the rest… Iyeropatni is not Winny. And Winny is not Iyeropatni. I just happened to have both of them in one poem as today is valentines day and Winny’s Budday. Hence the title :)

Have a great Valentines Day to all you guys and gals, if ever, anyone is reading this :)

adios...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Sleeping Kutty & The War-Iyer

Once upon a time there was a queen who had a beautiful baby daughter (Lola Kutty). She asked all the maamis in the kingdom to the “choru-unnu” (kind of christening), but unfortunately forgot to invite one of them, who was a bit of a witch as well. She came anyway, but as she passed the baby's cradle, she said:

"When you are sixteen, you will eat Avial and die!"

"Oh, no!" screamed the Queen in horror. A good maami quickly chanted a magic spell to change the curse. When she ate Avial, the girl would fall into a very deep sleep instead of dying.

The years went by; the little Lola grew and became the most beautiful girl in the whole kingdom. Her mother was always very careful to keep her away from Avial, but the Princess, on her sixteenth birthday, as she wandered through the castle, came into a servant’s quarters where an old servant was savoring Avial.

The servant gave some Avial to Lola Kutty ... and she ate it and. with a sigh, dropped to the floor.

The terrified old woman hurried to tell the Queen. Beside herself with anguish, the Queen did her best to awaken her daughter but in vain. Kotakkal Arya Vaidya Shaala was summoned, but there was nothing they could do. Lola Kutty could not be wakened from her deep sleep. The good maami who managed to avoid the worst of the curse came too, and the Queen said to her,

"When will my daughter waken?"

"I don't know," the maami admitted sadly.

"In a year's time, ten years or twenty?" the Queen went on.

"Maybe in a hundred years' time. Who knows?" said the maami.

"Oh! What would make her waken?" asked the Queen weeping.

"Love," replied the maami. "If a warrior of pure heart was to fall in love with her that would bring her back to life!"

"How can a warrior fall in love with a sleeping girl?" sobbed the Queen, and so heart-broken was she that, a few days later, she died. The sleeping Lola Kutty was taken to her room and laid on the bed surrounded by garlands of flowers. She was so beautiful, with a sweet face, not like those of the dead, but pink like those who are sleeping peacefully. The good maami said to herself, "When she (Lola) wakens, who is she going to see around her? Strange faces and people she doesn't know? I can never let that happen. It would be too painful for this unfortunate girl."

So the maami cast a spell; and everyone that lived in the castle – elephants, namboodiris, vaadyaars, cooks, naariyalpaaniwaalas, dogs, cats, squirrels, mongoose etc - all fell into a deep sleep, wherever they were at that very moment.

"Now," thought the maami, "when Lola Kutty wakes up, they too will awaken, and life will go on from there." And she left the castle, now wrapped in silence. Not a sound was to be heard, nothing moved except for the clocks, but when they too ran down, they stopped, and time stopped with them. Not even the faintest rustle was to be heard, only the wind whistling round the turrets, not a single voice, only the cry of bats and owls.

The years sped past. In the castle grounds, the coconut trees grew tall. The bushes became thick and straggling, the grass invaded the courtyards and the creepers spread up the walls. In a hundred years, a dense forest grew up. And it came to be known as “Periyar Tiger Reserve” for some unknown reason.

Now, it so happened that a War-Iyer arrived in these parts. He was the son of a vaadyaar in a state close by. Young, handsome and melancholy, he sought in solitude everything he could not find in the company of other men: serenity, sincerity and purity. Wandering on his trusty steed he arrived, one day, at the dark forest. Being adventurous, he decided to explore it. He made his way through slowly and with a struggle, for the trees and bushes grew in a thick tangle. A few hours later, now losing heart, he was about to turn his horse and go back when he thought he could see something through the trees . . . He pushed back the branches . . . Wonder of wonders! There in front of him stood a castle with high towers. The young man stood stock still in amazement,

"I wonder who this castle belongs to?" he thought.

The young War-Iyer rode on towards the castle. The drawbridge was down and, holding his horse by the reins, he crossed over it. Immediately he saw the inhabitants draped all over the steps, the halls and courtyards, and said to himself,"Good heavens! They're dead!"

But in a moment, he realised that they were sound asleep. "Wake up! Wake up!" he shouted, but nobody moved. Still thoroughly astonished, he went into the castle and again discovered more people, lying fast asleep on the floor. As though led by a hand in the complete silence, the War-Iyer finally reached the room where the beautiful Lola Kutty lay fast asleep. For a long time he stood gazing at her face, so full of serenity, so peaceful, lovely and pure, and he felt spring to his heart that love he had always been searching for and never found. Overcome by emotion (and the fact that he was still a virgin), he went close, lifted Lola Kutty’s little white hand and gently kissed it . . .

At that kiss, the Lola quickly opened her eyes, and wakening from her long long sleep, seeing the War-Iyer beside her, murmured:

"Oh, you have come at last! I was waiting for you in my dream. I've waited so long!"

Just then, the spell was broken. Lola Kutty rose to her feet, holding out her hand to the War-Iyer. And the whole castle woke up too. Everybody rose to their feet and they all stared round in amazement, wondering what had happened. When they finally realised, they rushed to Lola Kutty, more beautiful and happier then ever.

A few days later, the castle that only a short time before had lain in silence, now rang with the sound of naadaswarams, panchavaadyams and happy laughter at the great party given in honour of the War-Iyer and Lola Kutty, who were getting married. They slept happily ever after (pun completely intended), as they always do in fairy tales, not quite so often, however, in real life.

**************************************************************************************************************************

PS: Post Marriage, the princess is now called Lola War-Iyer. She then gave birth to a son, who showed interest in Wrestling and joined WWF and is more popularly known as “Ultimate War-Iyer” to the rest of the world.

PS2: I have copied the story of the sleeping beauty and made (un)necessary changes. Please do the following find and replace (of important characters) to get back to the original story

Lola Kutty To Be Replaced With Sleeping Beauty
Maami To Be Replaced With Fairy
Eating Avial To Be Replaced With Pricking Spindle
War-Iyer To Be Replaced With Handsome Prince

adios…