Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Modern Day Wisdom…

I don’t know why I remember this old story about “wisdom” and using your brains and acting more smartly, that my paati (grand-mom in tamil) used to tell me. It was a very beautiful story involving Shiva, Parvati, Narada, Ganesha & Kartikeya. Let me narrate the same to you guys in case you aren’t too well informed. Later, you can thank my paati for that…

{begin traditional story}

Narada comes to kailash parvat with a rare fruit. A fruit that has to be consumed in its entirety i.e. should not be distributed amongst people. He gives this fruit to shiva and parvati and asks them to give to either ganesha or kartikeya. Shiva and parvati are confused as to whom to give the fruit to. Then they decide to give the fruit to the one who is wiser amongst the two. What better to decide who the suitor is than having a contest? They then decide that the fruit will be given to the one who will take three pradakshinas (rounds) around the world. Kartikeya, the swifter amongst the two, takes his vehicle, the peacock and starts the rounds at full speed. Ganesha, his usual slow self, decides to ride his mouse and take three rounds of his parents and completes his pradakshinas with ease, in turn, gets the fruit and consumes it even before kartikeya is back. When kartikeya is back he gets infuriated by what has happened and thinks Ganesha has cheated and won the contest. Ganesha explains to him that his parents meant the world to him and though technically he isn’t even close circling the world, logically he’s done better than what was asked for. And Kartikeya got angry and left kailas parvat and settled at Palani

{end traditional story}

And my dear paati used to end the story by saying “and that is wisdom and that is how you should respect your parents”. How I love my paati. She was the most amazing paati one would have ever had. But she is no longer alive. She only reminds me of the story in my dreams and thoughts. And I still enjoy the story with an un-ending innocence.

But those were the days of innocence. Those were the days when children like me used to be gullible. We used to accept all that our parents /grand-parents said, without ever trying to figure out, whether anything makes sense or not. Whether anything fits the logical sphere of thought or not. But nowadays the kids are really smart, actually street-smart and not so gullible. And I don’t think I will ever try to narrate the same story to my children / grand-children (actually I will try a couple of times in the name of trying to keep my culture alive, but with kids of today, you just can’t guarantee). So this is the modern version of the same story. Paati, if you have internet connection up there and you read my blog, please don’t try to find me and haunt me for screwing up the story so bad. I just wanted to post something because I had no other work to do.

{begin modern story}

There is this guy called Narada. Amazing chap. Very simple looking chap, but I don’t know how he affords it; this guy has ROAMING ON all the time. And he carries a ‘Jimi Hendrix’ guitar too singing the songs of Kula Shaker (Govinda Jaya Jaya) and Prodigy (Narayana) and he just rocks to those songs. One day he, abode his private charter, decided to pay a surprise visit to Mr Shiv and Mrs Parvati. They resided on 31, Kailash Parvat, Mansarovar 21. Oh what a beautiful place was their residence. They even had a landing stretch and a helipad where guests could park their flying vehicles.

So after parking his charter, guitar in hands, Narada went to meet Shiva and Parvati. Surprisingly they were at home and they had kept the door open. Their kids, Ganesha and Kartikeya were there too. Narada had carried a gift with him, which was good manners. The gift was a latest Sony NCRW 5678, a mobile phone -cum- 7 MP camera -cum- Pocket PC with 128 MB inbuilt RAM and 512 MB MMC card upgradeable to 10GB. Shiva and Parvati were not too excited to see this gadget, but thought, that this would make an ideal gift for their kids, Ganesha & Kartikeya.

But there was one problem. This was the last available piece of the Sony NCRW 5678 model and there was no surety about availability of the same in the future. So, the simple solution to this was that either one of the two sons could get it. But who would be it? Both were deeply interested in having the gadget, I mean, which young lad would miss out on such an opportunity. Upgradeable to 10GB could you beat that? But the tough decision was to be made. It could ONLY be either Ganesha or Kartikeya. There could be no win-win strategy here.

Shiva and Parvati got an idea and decided to have a ‘paichan con-test’ between Ganesha and Kartikeya. Both of them were given a photo and were asked to identify that person. It was also told to them that, that person lived in the southernmost tip of Antarctica. The address was also given to them. It was 13, Snow White Apts, Whiteflakes Street, Antartica 23. If needed, they may have to travel across the globe in case they wanted to get his / her name. This person was not any superstar / rockstar who could have been easily identified. It was a difficult task, a tough ask you may say…

Kartikeya was the first to take off. He ran to his secret parking lot, took his position in an already parked MIG-34, adjusted the co-ordinates and swooshed off at speeds higher than the speed of sound. He was determined to identify the person within 2 hours. Ganesha on the other hand, caught hold of his mouse, attached the mouse to an old Celeron PC, scanned the picture into the computer, put the image and did an image to image search on google. Simultaneously he logged onto http://mtnl.antartica.com, the online telephone directory of Antartica and put down the address given to him. He identified the person within the next 5 mins and the answer from both the sources was a match.

He runs to his father with the answer. Shiva verifies the answer and provides the brand new Sony NCRW 5678 to Ganesha. In the meanwhile, kartikeya returns after finding the person ‘in person’ and also clicking a Polaroid photograph with that person to be given as proof, only to find Ganesha playing around with the everything in everything device and exploring the features. At this moment, his anger knew no bounds and demanded an explanation for everything that happened. Ganesha then provided Kartikeya with a discount coupon from NTIT to join their full time, basic course which taught ‘windows, office, emailing & internet surfing’ at their Palani branch. And everyone lived happily ever after…

{end modern story}

I hope my kiddo buys this story / idea. If not him / her; paati, are you reading this?

adios...

Friday, January 27, 2006

Tag this redux!!!

My views on tagging are clear and evident. You can find them here. If you concur with me, you can proceed to read the post, if you don’t, you can still read the post and I will not complain to your mummy that you read it. I promise…

Now this tagging thing is getting onto me. It really is. I thought tagging was just a fad. It would go off at some point in time and we would get to read something more interesting. But then this thing is catching up like crazy. And to add to it, the number of taggers and taggees are increasing exponentially. And I ponder… Why? Why? Why? Why don’t I take up a tag? And slowly and steadily… I came up with this list…

I am not very foresighted. I don’t have a proper vision. Other Bloggers can come up with 874 traits they are looking in the opposite (or same) sex ? and the worst part is that I have to read the 874 different expected traits on 1596 different blogs, which essentially means I managed to read up 13,94,904 different traits. Myers and Briggs tried and tried and tried and came up with just 16 of them. But the point of contention here is that those 13,94,904 are ‘doosre log’ ka wanted traits… not mine. And I don't know what to expect of my future partner (definitely of the different sex). So all you "fruity fellas", find some other place.

I belong to the old school of thought. For me a toilet mug WILL always remain an object than a piece of luxury. For the others, toilet mugs have become more of a luxury than an accessory. I see some Bloggers celebrating “toilet mug week” on their various blogs and see pictures of mugs / jugs or whatever you call them being posted there. I never knew there was an occasion where we celebrate toilet mugs. Had I known this before, I wouldn’t have let that ‘lil shower’ thingy installed in my loo. Boo hoo now I don’t have a toilet mug to click and post :(

I don’t know myself very well. Also trying to enumerate anything about me would be very very difficult for me. trust me it is very difficult. I am such a dumb ass that I don’t know the following things about myself…
  • 10 different chappals I wear
  • 9 colors of undies that I like
  • 8 shapes of baniyan that I prefer
  • 7 freakin days in my (one) week…
  • 6 incidents that wrecked my life time and again
  • 5 pandavas which I don’t know are related to me
  • 4 different formulas in quadrilaterals
  • 3 scented hair oils that are used to massage the interiors of my nose and ears
  • 2 ka multiplication table, which I still don’t recollect
  • 1 babe I would like to date (shouldn’t this one be on 10?)
So how do you expect me to take up tags when I don’t know so much about myself. Sometimes I feel I should kill myself. But then I say to myself, let somebody else do it (the killing re… not the tagging) for me and suffer the consequences too… but I don’t think that is possible too, because people like me are just alive because it’s illegal to shoot us ;)

I am not an avid reader. I don’t own thousands and thousands of books. Neither do I read “Jaafrrey Achaar” or “DontShowBha Night” and all of their uncharacteristically created weird characters. The only three books that I have ever read in my life are “Balbharati”, “Kumarbharati” & “Yuvakbharati” and that too because it was compulsory for us during school and college to read them. So I cant write my trysts with all the three bharatis. People will look down upon me for being so littly read…

I do a lot of outsourcing. I don’t believe in finding the 5th word of the 23rd line of my 56th post. It has lead me to lot of problems. How you’d ask me. Let me explain. Firstly, let me get the 5th word of the 23rd line of my 56th post. Aah… it happens to be ‘juxtaposition’ and I am expected to make a statement out of this and post it. The only problem is that I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘juxtaposition’ because bird had written the 5th word of the 23rd line of my 56th post. And that is the only thing that he has contributed, in my post. And I blame him for using such a non-social word. Hmpf… no wonder lots of Americans are against outsourcing…

Those were some of the reasons that I don’t take up tags. There were 732 more reasons but they were left out due to want of words to describe them. They are very complicated and don’t have anything (verbally or otherwise) in this whole wide world that could possibly describe them. So let me thank god for not providing me with that kind of a vocabulary (you can thank him too later)

adios…

PS: I have nothing against perennial taggers and taggees. This post is up close and personal and all the ideas reflected here solely and personally belongs to me and ONLY me. So you can keep those hockey sticks and baseball sticks down.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Injury – XIII

Long Long Ago, when I was a little child…
Some called me weird, others called me wild…
My childhood was very pathetic and gory…
Justice I need, there’s the judge, where’s the jury?

Gory indicates presence of pus, flesh and blood…
Sometimes it was drought, sometimes it was flood…
But all in all, my life is devoid of happy stories…
All I remember are the thirteen different injuries…

One and two are when I fell off the bi/tri cycle…
Peddling and trying harder to ride my first vehicle…
Three and four when the piggy bank broke on my head…
I had just started to save and I just got hit with solid lead…

Five and six happened when I got ran over by a car…
Running on the road to school that was away, so far…
Seven and eight happened in college sitting on the porch…
When I was ragged by seniors to sit on a lighted torch… (ouch)

Nine and ten while working and I felt like I slipped over moss…
While I was caught napping and chatting by my ever infamous boss…
Eleven and twelve got so badly torn that I had to sit and stitch…
The same woman broke my heart twice… and I say… THAT BITCH… ;)

Injury number thirteen… thirteen is unlucky for sure…
This is when I marry… and a blabbering wife to endure…
Those, my friends, are injuries through my life…
Now I have a bigger problem, and I call her wife…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This lame attempt at poetry is nothing but a mild rash as compared to this wound and this wound. Sorry winny, I decided to do some TP without informing you in advance… mee-mee-cry… remember :)… now to end this post in typical iyer style… read the PS…

adios…

PS: PS here stands for pakaoo shayari (in this case doha)

Raamchandra keh gaye siya se, aisa “kaliyug” aayega…
Picture to flop hogi bhaiya, bas gaana chalta jaayega…

Monday, January 23, 2006

Blog Test 1-2-3

Just testing blogger for word

I am posting this from Ms Word

You can do it too...

Find the link for the tool here :)


Update
: It works !!!

Update 2: I have changed my RSS Reader/Aggregator. Am currently using this (Omea Reader). Try it out, its amazing...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

extension surnames!!!

Last night I was having tullee sessions with abhi, apoo and bird. The discussions out there during the tullee sessions were anything but sensible. We spoke about everything under the sun that never makes any sort of sense and we had a great time. Although bird nowadays has this habit of going into some form of “sleep” every now and then, which makes him look like he is either meditating or performing some form of weird voodoo, yet we managed to have a good time. This post just happens to be an offshoot of one of those weird discussions. So throw everything sensible that you packed along, you can use them later when you are through with the post.

Apoo spoke about a friend of his, who had a weird surname. A surname that almost resembles a filename extension (eg: .doc for word documents, .xls for excel worksheets, .ppt for powerpoint slides et al). It so happened that one of his friends has this surname called “FNU”. Once we heard it, we thought what on gods name was that? It just sounds like this friend has been just out of the chemistry laboratory which has been scheming and coming up with some weird-ass chemical to destroy this world. But then, to our surprise, this surname too has a logic behind it. What is the logic you may ask? The logic is that, some jack-ass from the consulate dept had written “First Name Unknown” in this particular person’s application form, which was abbreviated into FNU and it got stuck to the person and it became the surname of that particular person. Doesn’t it sound like some file extension? Before you could even think, YES IT DOES :). By joe, this person wuddav been the mostest unluckiest person to have undergone such a thing. This world is really a bad place… isn’t it? But then as usual, Iyer again comes to the rescue. What does he do this time? This time around, he is being instigated by his friends (apoo & abhi & bird) to come up with file extension surnames for people in and around us.

In any case, Iyer was running out of ideas. So Iyer said to himself let us take this up and pakao people around in the blogosphere. So here goes nothing. Let me tell you again, in case you haven’t understood what this thing is all about. We will have first names of people and their last names will be file extensions. So this is a tribute to FNU. And let me tell that person, “don’t you worry… company for you is on way… and when you find apoo back, you will find him renewed and excited and not to mention, with a file extension ;-)”.

Apoo.PPT: PPT stands for “Plan, Propose & Terminate”, which I guess has been his (by choice or otherwise) mantra on his blog. He plans to patao gals on his blog, proposes them, some of them even accept those proposals, but then whatever little I have seen on his blog, the marriage / proposal is generally terminated. But that is not the end. It is a continuous and vicious cycle and it goes on and on and on and on and on…

Abhi.DOC: Let me just say DOC stands for “Define Or Conclude”. If you are with abhi, you have to know definitions. Or let me say you need to have the knack of making definitions on the fly. If you cannot define, lets say you are concluded, which essentially means you are dead. So the next time you see abhi, take out all your encyclopedias and keep the definitions ready :)

Bird.PDF: PDF stands for “Pakshi Doesn’t Flutter”, which symbolizes and epitomizes his laziness. He has wings, but he is so lazy that he wouldn’t flutter. He would die, but he wouldn’t flutter. He wouldn’t even attempt to… nah nah… you can die trying, but he really wouldn’t… anyone to take up an uphill task on trying to make bird more active? Hai koi mai-ka-lall?

Alap.CSS: CSS stands for “Confuse, Swear, (bitch)Slap”, which are three activities he just lurves to carry out. Confuse people (mostly its just me because others seem to understand what he says and I am pathetic at English language) with his super-classy-dignified English. If they don’t get confused then he proceeds to swear at them with things we would have never imagined. And when that doesn’t work either, he begins to (bitch)slap people around (this time again, most of the times its me). Can someone save me?

Winny.PPS: Where PPS stands for “Poetries, Profile(pics) & (shero)Shayaris”. What do I have to add here? Do I have to say anything about this lady. She is the queen of writing poetries. She is queener when it comes to changing profile pics (though she has slowed down a bit on this front these days) , but she is the queenest when it comes to writing urdu shayaris. Something I would never ever comprehend in my life. But she is darn good at it… atta gurl :)

Ideasmith.HTM: HTM here stands for “How To Manage”. Now you would ask me what? Don’t ask me, ask her… okay let me join you in asking her about how to manage 5 blogs all at the same time. I just have one blog and it becomes unmanageable and this lady manages 5 blogs. Kudos… just one more question to you idea… its 6 right?

*update... thanks to winny for reminding me about paro and pals...*

Paro.MPG: MPG here stands for "Maha Pakaoo Gujju", which is what paro is and he gladly accepts that. You should read some of his email replies. Trust me, contemplating suicide would be a much easier option than reading them. But all in all, he is one dhammal chap, and he's got amazing "cash"(pronounce gujju style, and you may sound somewhat like "kesh" which means hair)

Iyer.GIF: I have kept the best file extension for myself. I would also like to end this post on this surname. So GIF here stands for what you are currently thinking in your mind right now… I am that damn good… I know what you are thinking right now… and you don’t have to even say it to me… let me just take it right out of your mind… GIF is “Go Iyer… FO”. And I will just do that… adios…

PS: Oh by the way, you can give me your own additions to this list. It would make it all the more interesting :)

Friday, January 13, 2006

south indians just rock!!!

For a change let me begin this post with a disclaimer… I don’t want people running after me threatening to kill me even before this post ends… so here goes the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I have un-ending love for South Indians especially Madrasis and Mallus. I also have deeply etched respect for them. My posts on them are not with the idea of degrading them or trying to portray them in bad light, but just the fact that I understand them much better then the other regional counterparts. I also do not differentiate between Madrasis and Mallus. I am half Madrasi and half Mallu. So here is another one on them. Read it, laugh at it if you feel like it and don’t carry any grudges back home.

Last night I had a dream. Okay so everyone has a dream… so what is so special about this dream that this one deserves a post? It is not just special… it is very very special. I was dreaming about this rock-show-concert that I had attended and I was head-banging myself away to glory. This concert was a concert with a difference. The performers in this concert were not the normal (okay they are not normal… okay abnormal) rock superstars and ultra superstars. If I could recollect properly, the male performers were clad in white dhotis and white shirts and the female performers were wearing gleaming and shining silk sarees which seemed to be brought just out of ‘Nallis’ or ‘Kumarans’. So your guess is just about perfect. It was a rock concert “Of the south Indians, by the south Indians and for the south Indians”. Oh how amazing it was. Or let me say how “rocking” it was.

But there was a small issue. Now everything has some amount of problems in it. So did this rock concert. These guys / performers didn’t have proper band names. Okay they did have proper band names which were acceptable by all south Indian standards. But the issue crops up when these guys have to have band names which are to be accepted globally. Band names which adhere to international standards. At that level having band names like “Chennai Chicks” or “Cochin Crooners” or “Palakkad Punks” or “Chellappan Brothers” or “Menacing Menons” doesn’t gel well with international standards and would do just enough to de-promote this amazing phenomenon of south Indians getting into the international strata.

Here is where Iyer comes to the rescue. As always Iyer is the Saviour for all the south Indians in all sorts of dire conditions. So what does Iyer do in this case? Iyer gives you a suggestion on “original” south Indian rock band names for all the aspiring south Indian rockers. The free version of the suggestion contains only 10 names. So this could be considered as a top 10 south Indian rock band names countdown as well. Iyer can also give you a personalized band name in case you are interested, but that’s a paid service and that’s being done offline. So you can contact me via-email any day, any time and get an appointment for your own customized rock band name. Oh don’t forget the money aspect, I accept only cash.

Before I even start listing down the south Indian rock band names, let me thank my morning travel mate dude “Rajeev Varma” who suggested with the “original” band names and their famous songs which we jointly wrapped up in south Indian wrapping paper and have come up with this. Thanks dude for all the band names you knew and you suggested between Andheri and Elphinstone Rd.

Here goes nothing… The ones in bold are the “original” south Indian rock band names and the ones in the bracket are their “source of inspiration”.


Rage Against The Madrasis /Mallus (Rage Against The Machines): This one is for all the revolutionary anti-madrasi-mallu characters. The most famous song of the inspired band happens to be “Bulls On Parade”. The south Indian counterpart could have a song called “Bulls In Palakkad”, where palakkad happens to be a place in kerala.


Red Hot Sambhar Powder
(Red Hot Chilli Peppers): South Indian cooks inspiring to be rockstars can have this name. These guys could have a song called “Kozhikodification” (kozhikode is another place in kerala) which could have been “inspired” from the all time famous song called “Californication”


Tidel
Park (Linkin Park): Tidel park happens to be a very famous place in Chennai, I don’t know if there is a Linkin Park in USA. Anyways, this band could have a song called “KARAVADALING” (karavadam happens to be a fried snack relished by all south Indians) inspired by “Crawling”.


MuruGUNS n Dosas
(Guns n Roses): One of the best south Indian rockers can be given this title and they can sing their lives off to “Sweet Payasam Of Mine” which is an ode to “Sweet Child Of Mine”. Payasam is kheer which actually is a sweetmeat. Isn’t that sweet?


Iyerosmith
(Aerosmith): This one is “reserved” for me and no one can take it from me. I am going to start this band and render a near perfect “Janani’s gotta bun” an Xerox copy from the original “Janie’s gotta gun”


Neer(dosa)vana
(Nirvana): All rockers who want to attain bliss by eating neer dosa can take this name up. The song suggested here would be “smells like onion chutney” which is a good accompaniment to neer dosa. This also reflects the inspired track “smells like teen spirit”


Madrasi Menon
(Marilyn Manson): This can go to a person who the weirdest and the psychoest of all rockstars. He has to go through tests of wierdism and psychoism to be able to have this title. Anyways, he could come up with a song called “this is the new FLIT”, starring all six legged creatures thus making an even more psychoer version of the original “this is the new shit”


Ram Thambi
(Rob Zombie): Any waiter from madras/kerala (they are fondly referred to as Thambi) can use this name in case he aspires to be a rockstar. They can render “Super Feast”. Actually they can even serve the food at “Super Feast” which is an ode to the original “Super Beast”


Deep Paruppu
(Deep Purple): Paruppu is ‘pulses’ in tamil/malayalam. Not the ones we check, but the ones we eat. Also popularly known as ‘Dal’ in hindi/marathi. Their famous song would be called as “Steam on the water” (the wonderful steam that is formed when you cook paruppu or dal) which has nothing to do with “Smoke on the water”. Or does it?


Finally, my personal favourite… the number one south Indian band name… ta da ten tenaaan…


Madrasis / Mallus Learn to Talk
(Michael Learns to Rock): Do I have to explain anything here. I guess nothing. And their famous song could be “Someday” which is different from the original “Someday” by MLTR. This song is a song full of hope that someday south Indians may talk proper English with proper English pronunciation…


So there it was… 10 of the best south Indian rock bands… now you can take up rocks and start hurling them at me. Keep doing that until some nice cutey-cutey woman comes to my rescue singing “koi pathhar se naa maare mere deewaane ko” (will somebody actually do that for me?)… until then… happy hurling…

adios…

Monday, January 09, 2006

Iris back!!!

Iris is the short form for "Iyer is".

And as you guys must have rightly guessed, the Iyer is back.

All your dreaded fears have come true now that Iyer is here.

All your goodie goodie days of blogging has come to an end now that Iyer is here.

Iyer had a great trip & darshan at sabarimala.

Here's a poem dedicated to Iyer and his return

Ladies and Gentlemen, time for you to run...
Alas, the Great Great Iyer has return... (bad english but good rhyme)
And you thought 2006 would be fun...
Eh Eh, sensible posts you'd find none...

The Great Iyer is back on track...
On your blogs he will get back...
With all forms of useless comments...
Thats his style, he just torments...

Now this poem just big time sucks...
So if you read this, DO curse your lucks... (again bad english but good rhyme)
The good days have gone, the bad ones here...
What did you say the name was... er... Iyer

till then... adios