Thursday, October 19, 2006

Bollymal Planet…

This post is yet another of our “precious” predictions for the future. So read it and remember it. Why? Because when you see something like this happening in the year 2036 then you’d remember who predicted it in the first place. So let’s begin with the tedious process of predicting… starting with explaining the premise for the prediction.

Firstly we ask, what is happening today to Bollywood Stars? The answer we say is that it doesn’t matter for most big bollywood stars to make appearances here and there on the idiot box or what they call it as the small screens. Almost all of them have been there and done that with some shows/music videos/advertisements to their name. So we are pretty sure that the link between the bollywood superstars and the small screen has already been established.

Somewhere, deep in the future, these superstars will be so bored of the daily soaps, advertisements, reality shows and other forms of outlets on the small screen that they would channelize all their talents onto a different kennel… er… channel. And this channel is what is known to all you guys as “Animal Planet”. This particular channel would provide all the challenges that would be required for a great actor and a superstar. And you’d find all forms of bollywood superstars in various shows on this particular channel.

And as a part and parcel of this prediction, we give you with a sneak preview of the serials that you’d come across in this channel in the future (year 2036 remember?) and the superstars that you’d find in each of these serials. So that way you could also use this as a ready reckoner for finding your favorite serials. All you have to add is the day and time and lo… you have a ready made TV Guide just for yourself. Oh alright… you can thank us later for that.

Planets Funniest Animals: This is one serial that would make you go ROTFL. Key ingredients of this show include the great names of Keshto, Mehmood, Rajendranath, Johnny Lever et al. Go ahead watch these serials and you’d never need to join any laughter clubs.

Nightmares Of Nature: This serial would be like a JP Dutta multi-starrer. We guess more than 80 percent of bollywood would be featured in here. Some of the more prominent names would be Sumeet Saigal, Kishen Kumar, Kimi Katkar and Zeba Bhaktiar.

Wild On The Set: This would be a post 23:30 program… you know… the… ahem… types. Superstars on this one are quite popular with the common junta and would include the likes of Meghna Naidu, Payal Rohatgi, Mallika Sherawat and last but not the least the legendary SILK SMITHA. (We surely are going to watch this one)

Keepers Of The Forest: Does the name sound sarcastic to you? It doesn’t? It surely does for us as this mega serial is going to include all the superstars involved in the “chinkara” shooting incident. Sallu Bhai, Tabu, Karishma Kapoor, Neelam, Saif Ali Khan are the stars to name a few. All of them are the “true” keepers of the forest. They just don’t know what to keep and what not to keep.

Dangerous Liaisons: Some of the prominent superstars allegedly having links with the underworld would be showcased in this particular serial. Sanju Baba, Govinda, Salman Khan, Nadeem (the music director), Bharat Shah would be some of the more prominent personalities to be seen on this show.

Skill To Survive: Second rung actors would showcase their skills that they use to survive in this industry. Some of the more important names in this show would include Ritiesh Deshmukh, Tusshar Kapoor, Esha Deol, Celina Jaitley.

Up Close And Dangerous: One serial dedicated to all the bad men of bollwood. Everyone starting from Pran, Amrish Puri, Prem Chopra, Ranjit, Shakti Kapoor, Gulshan Grover would make a ghastly appearance on this one.

King Of The Jungle: Only king sized superstars appear on this one. All MCP bashers can go and bash the channel for not including the Queens in the list. Anyhow, this show would include the Big B, King Khan, Amir Khan and other actors ruling the roost today.

In Search Of The Giant Anaconda: This show is wonly and wonly dedicated to the great Kakaji or Rajesh Khanna. Why? Just look at the word Anaconda. Break it up into three pieces and you’d get “Anand Kaun Tha”. And who else in bollywood is the immortal Anand?

Man Eaters: Any guesses? Yes you guessed it correctly. This would be a serial to showcase the biography and the life cycle of the won and wonly Rekha. Don’t miss it in case you don’t know anything about her life.

Keep watching the channel. You’ll enjoy every bit of what you would get to see there.


PS: Monkey Business is exclusively reserved for us. We are yet to find any takers. Some south Indian channel may surely buy it. And so we continue to hope…


infected said...

How about

BatheWatch - Shilpa Shirodkar, Somy Ali and Kimi Katkar ... also known as the wet ones.

Ch**trahaar - All soft core music videos put into one program.

Phir Naya Office Office - just a cam on Abhi' head with Iyer's dubbed narration.

Bobby, the Warrior Princess - Addressing anever increasing Kamla target audience.

Paanduromeda - Like COPS, only in outer space, like Antriksh.

Ramanand Sagar's Reliance - A story about a feud so big, it resulted in surprisingly large market valuations.

That's all I can think of for now, I need to go home. Excuse the language above, dear PG-13 readers of Iyer's blog.

Anonymous said...

That was an ingenious idea for a post!!! And your classification of our bollywood animal population would put all those scientists to shame! :P
And Monkey Business has to be you, no one else will fit the bill err...role :))

ghastly appearance" ROFL


"“Anand Kaun Tha"- funny!!!!!

Why sre your hopes so low..u mean south Indian will buy just for SILG SMITHAE? They will want the Rajnikants and the Mamoties and who not! :)

NightWatchmen said...

What about "Kahaani Newtons Laws ki" : All our superstars and I mean the real ones a.k.a Prabhuji a.k.a Mithunda and Rajni and Chiru doing stunts that would toss Newtons laws out of the window!!!

venus said...

"Keepers of the Forest: Sallu bhai!!!"
"Anaconda:Anand Kaun Tha"

Very original, and hilarious :))

iyer education said...

@alap, ROTFL

@silverine, only you can realise our true potential in "Monkey Business" ;)

@scribz, the silg smithae show has already been sold on premium.... its our show that has problem with takers...

@nightwatchmen, that show would be more apt on Discovery channel... physics isnt something that is featured on animal planet... but the idea is wonderful ;)

@venus: :)