Tuesday, September 12, 2006

What the stars have to say?

No… Neither doing any form of crash course in “Crystal Ball Reading” or “Tarot Card Reading”… Nor are we carrying a bunch of cards and a parrot with us all the time to tell us what your stars have to tell about you, your past, your present and your future. So drop all your Linda Goodman-esque thoughts here itself and then proceed to read this sucker of a post.

Now what we were talking about is the other stars. The stars that shine not in the sky but the ones that dazzle on the screen… Yup… our own Bollywood Superstars (We have left Hollywood out because of our lack of knowledge of English)… And we are not going to talk about what they talk on screen… primarily because they don’t know what they are talking as all the lines are being written by the dialogue writer and secondarily because in some of the cases these are also dubbed by some other person, which essentially means they talk nothing on-screen.  

But off-screen, these guys talk a lot (of gibberish). You read interviews, you see interviews, and you see them defending themselves in some sort of mock-court-martials and a lot of other things. And it is trying times like these, that these guys live up to their true potentials (or the lack of it) and blurt out things that makes us laugh amongst many other such piddly things. So here is a list of FST’s (Frequently Said Things) by our very own superstars and a sneak preview into each of these lines and performing post-mortem operations on each and every of these FST’s.

I am playing the typical boy/girl next door… We don’t really know what a typical boy/girl next door really means. We have shifted our residence a couple of times and by god we tell you that none of our neighbors were typical or stereotyped. They surely were typical in their own unique way (weird hairdos, hippy dressing, super-ultra-weird eating habits, yucky and lots of other things so very unique to them). All wierdos we say. And we also wonder why the typical girl next door always has to be “bubbly” if not anything else. We never found a girl next door who was bubbly… actually we never managed to find a girl next door at all. Some researchers say it’s because of our socks that we haven’t washed for the past 23 years, but all those are silly rumors, don’t believe them. But seriously nothing in this world is typical… except the fact that these stars use this word so often.

Mere character ka treatment ekdam alag hai… Oh yes now we know that you suffer from Limphocurcoma-Of-The-Area-Between-Medulla-Oblongata-And-Spinal-Cord. And this kind of disease requires treatment from all faculties of medicines. So they generally drop in a couple of homeopathic sweet tablets in a bitter ayurvedic kaadha and give it to the star through intravenous treatment. We are sure this is what they meant by alag treatment.

My character has shades of grey in it… This certainly could mean one of the two things. One that the actor is going to grow old in the movie. Two, the fact that the actor has a double role of a father-son/mother-daughter in the movie. So you would find shades of grey amply sprinkled over their hair/wig in the movie and it would come as a terrific surprise that this particular actor could look so horrendous in his/her older days. We are sure AK Hangal was always discounted from using this line as this was supposed to be understood by the viewers without even being uttered.

My character is complex and has various layers of emotions… Academically, the last thing that we heard that had layers was cabbages and onions (that makes it two… but then what the heck). But then in filmdom, the inner meaning of layers must be ‘makeup’. They must be applying zillion layers of makeup thus making them look approximately 27.38 years younger than their actual age. We are sure that the inspirations for using this line were the late Rajkumar and Prem Nazir who were playing college going boys in the movie when their real life age had crossed 70’s.  The Big B also tried to make a comeback with this line but sadly none of his films worked.

The director gave enough space for me to experiment with my character… The character must surely be a scientist of the first order. Working with Hydro-Chloro-Sodio-Bromide must be like baaye haath ka khel for the character. We mean how much can this guy/gal experiment. The last time we tried experimenting, half of the lab caught fire and the other half was already burnt into ashes. So we always refrain from experimenting. And we suggest that the stars also stop experimenting with immediate effect or else you’d find another movie called “Kabhi Experiment Naa Karna”. And no… no Karan Johar, please don’t take any cues from here we’d say…

To end the post (yippeeee party time for you guys) we only have to say this to all our bollywood stars… Plijj not to make any such statements which are shallow and make no sense to the general public at large (assuming general public = us wonly)… There could be wierdos lurking in some dark corners of the world, noting each of your quotes and making a “collage” of a sucker post out of those…

adios…

11 comments:

dodo said...

Good one Iyer! You should've also included these:
"This is a complete faily entertainer with both soft-porn and family-emotions."
"This is a romantic-action-comedy where the hero and heroine 'love' each other, make fun of each other and at the end, kill each other."

dodo said...

Good one Iyer! You should've also included these:
"This is a complete family entertainer with both soft-porn and family-emotions."
"This is a romantic-action-comedy where the hero and heroine 'love' each other, make fun of each other and at the end, kill each other."

fleiger said...

I once read about some actress in some interview, in which she said quote #1 and quote #2 both. Why don't they say by now, "I am playing typically alag character"?

APOO said...

watch it bhai, farro might say all these dialogues in the future. :)

SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP said...

Wah! Afer ages I laughed...Bahut acha hai...I love the "But seriously nothing in this world is typical… except the fact that these stars use this word so often." the best...seriously why is the girl next door always bubbly....I was the only one in my entire building who was close to bubbly n tht too coz I saw bunty n bubbly! :) Sad state of jokes...Maaf karna ji..:)

prachi said...

hi buddy,
those typical words...
well nothing is typical so do that statements also..

iyer education said...

@dodo, LOL, soft porn to be viewed with pop corn and all haan :)

@fleiger, i am sure the actress must be playing the male lead in that movie ;)

@apoo, everyone in bollywood inherits these lines i guess... plijj to record the lines farrow uses... can use it as a post i guess ;)

@scribz, cold places make you crack colder jokes... hehe... kiddin... howz canada comin up?

@prachi, can u repeat/complete the qoshtin plijj...

fleiger said...

Maybe it was "Girlfriend" type of movie... or maybe she was the one I heard singing "Madam, madam, I am your Adam" (Yes, that happens to be a song in some movie)

Sensorcaine said...

iyer: Lol... now I"ll sit back and wait for the tamil version of the post!!!

silverine said...

LOL

So true and it is iritating to hear a star giving a synopsis of the movie saying " mera character ka treatment bahuth different hai"

iyer education said...

@fleiger, yes i have heard that song... from "Shaadi No 1" i guess ;)

@sensorcaine, no tamil version of this post is ever going to come... i dont want to vandalize gaundarmani and senthil... they are my icons :P

@silverine, they are very very typical i say... and these are like rulebooks that they have to follow to be a part of this industry :P