Friday, April 07, 2006

NASAL we stand... VOCAL we fall...

Do you know the biggest threat to India today? No it is not Pakistan… Neither is it the Nuke Treaty… Naah, not Bush either… It is our very own “Himesh Reshammiya” aka HR (not to be confused with any stream of management… although they also are threats of sorts in their own rights… but nothing compared to the man himself).

This man (HR) is a logical bomb who is programmed to enter people’s brains through their eardrums after he has created a big enough hole in them with his vocal (or should i say nasal) chords. He then slowly & silently, over a period of time corrodes and incapacitates the thinking power of that person. (I don’t believe I wrote that… Hanging around with alap has finally paid off…)

One of my behavioral management teachers gave me the example of the “Thanda Matlab Coca-Cola” lines being bombarded (I have not even changed the verb) a thousand times when asked about an example of “Classical Conditioning”. But I am sure she must have changed with time and must have come up with a better and up-to-date example of “Classical Conditioning” and it sure must be none other than the man himself, HR. And I am sure his initials go along very well with the subject to which the topic belongs to… HR. I am not here to bring out similarities between the subject and the tormentor. It just happens to be a coincidence. Okay no more digressions, promise…

Now something has to be done about this guy. I don’t know if I am the only one who is bothered with his antics these days, but this guy is unbelievable. Or let me say he is plain “deaf”. The only reason why I believe that he is deaf is the fact that if he could hear, then he would have been subject to his own torture and would have stopped singing. He also could be a “sadist”. I mean if not deaf, he is definitely a sadist who gets all the pleasure when he sees the millions around him in tremendous pain. Whatever he is, he is to television what yours truly is to blogosphere (that’s the best simile I could find).

Now coming back to HR and his antics, I think something is needed to curb this guy especially his “basic instinct” to sing. I wouldn’t say much about his instinct to compose because I think he is a good composer and has quite a good number of hit and famous songs to his credit. Let us keep the composing part separate. But coming back to HR… Something… and I mean something “drastic” needs to be done to this guy to keep him from singing and tormenting the public at large. And this is another drive by yours truly in the name of public service, that I am presenting to you guys ways in which we can curb/halt/put an end to this guy’s acts of singing…

  • Insert… sorry wrong word… Shove an inhaler (or any other object of approximately the same size) into his nose while he is singing. Nasal that he is, there would be immediate silence till the time the inhaler (or the object) is present in his nose. But this is more of a temporary measure and has to be followed up persistently to provide long term benefits. This wouldn’t be suggested in the long run. But can be used effectively in the short run till we come across some other solution.

  • Ask the government to slap charges of POTA (Prevention of Terrorism Act) on his songs thus bringing them under Terrorism umbrella. Any song further released would be treated as “Planned & Organized Terrorism” created to disrupt the smooth functioning of the society.

  • Just like the health minister banned the on-screen usage of cigarettes, we could ban the on-screen usage of mikes (both stationery and hand held). I think the mike is one fundamental reason why HR keeps singing songs one after another. If we are able to ban the display of mikes on screen, I am sure his singing would come to a halt.

  • Observation: HR sings with his eyes closed. A request to all the directors of his music videos. HR should be made to sing with his eyes wide open. If he is able to see the trauma on the faces of the people at large (even if those people happen to be the people behind the cameras i.e. the crew) and if he has that little bit of what they call as a “good heart”, I am sure he would gracefully quit singing. So much so for self pity… hmpf…

  • All music channels should go international. For that matter they can start playing tam and mallu songs (better quality than international I say) if there is a dearth of songs. Since everyone is going desi and there is nothing on the desi circuit other than HR songs, they are forced to showcase his songs. I would prefer to see fat south Indian actors and actresses dancing and shaking the dance floor instead of HR. Anything other than HR…

  • Ask HR to sign a contract for an unlimited period to compose music for all the serials of Miss K. He will be so bogged down with work composing for all the unlimited ‘tear-filled’ ‘K’ serials that he may quit singing. Another possibility is that he may suffer a ‘mental breakdown’ and turn hostile towards singing and music.

I have compiled the above list only for public service. Its something that I do out of my care for the general betterment of people at large. If you too have any noble ideas (actually any idea, however destructive it is, would still justify as noble in this case) you are most welcome to contribute to this list and help him get rid of his singing…

PS: I forgot to mention the “naara” of this whole “andolan”… it is “NASAL WE STAND… VOCAL WE FALL”… please use it fully and constructively and all other ‘ly’.

9 comments:

HP said...

haha...Cool Post Mate.

But, Kinda like HR's songs. Hopefully, his listeners are not going to be subjected to an andolan from your side :-)

Cheers,
HP

Demi Goddezz said...

Oye Oye! dont call no one Miss K ..U forget Im the MISS K .grrr..give her some other name.,.and yesterday i went to the music store and the guy was trying to sell me HR's Cds telling me iwhat a hit he is there and i told him that hes more of a torture i have hearing..lol

SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP said...

I have not heard of this guy..Or maybe I heard n didnt know who he was....Speaking of conditioning, does Pavlov's theory not fall in the same wall. YOur suggestions are fancy...Governmet will take bribe from this guy n let him nase it out......:) Where do ya come up these unique ideas....It's a unique mind tht u have....

iyer education said...

HP: andolan only against HR and not HR supporters... but if i turn one of his supporters against him i will consider my job done...

winny: for me, SHE will be miss K... and if somebody offers you his cd's the least you can do is hurl that cd on that person's face ;)...

scribblez: this is as henious as being indian and not having watched sholay... hehe... neways you can watch any indian music channel and the guy with a stubble and a beard that reappears the most is him... and ivan pavlov it is... and i will mail you the link of some of his songs...

Debalina said...

Thankgod, I found some one in this country who hates is songs.
I was tired of my room mate who keeps on listening to the biggest blunder in the music history.
Yesterday, while watching MTV I just felt like filing a case against the channel, for they only play HR's songs, one after the another,which is nothing but as you said "conditioning".
I think, along with the mike, one should take away his ugly leather cap and give him clean shave for a change (shave his beard).

mattu said...

hey
damn kewl posts man :)
God I hate HR and how! newez...u cud write a post "I se Iyer tak......"
just a thought ;) coz u keep puttin iyer sumwhere or the iyer(other) ;)
keep posting dude.

SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP said...

Thangguuuu Iyerrraeeee!!! For the link tht u may send me ie...:)

APOO said...

Admit it iyer, u die to sing like him, and jes coz u cant, u make fun of his talent!!

iyer education said...

debalina: thanks for the profound support... i will steal the mike and you steal the cap and then we sell the bounty and make some money...

mattu: i am iyer(here) to promote the iyers... and everyone has their own reasons to hate HR(i suppose you are mentioning the singer and not the subject... though the subject would also make perfect sense)

scribblez: sorai for the delay... link has been sent... and dont blame me if you fall violently sick...

apoo: HR is not SPB... dont confuse... have some daroo and get sober :D