Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Iyer Budget!!!

Today our finance minister will be presenting yet another union budget to the government of India. At least at this point of time, as I am writing this, I have no idea of what is going to be presented or what plans are cooking in his head. But I plan to have my own plans… plans regarding having a budget of my own and presenting it to my fellow Bloggers, Friends and all the Bunties & Bablies… (Yes the ones who leave me in the time of distress and are always with me when I am not around… but am I complaining? No I am not…)

Higher (also pronounced as Iyer) Budget 06-07”, is what I have decided to call it and it has got nothing to do with financial matters relating to India and the rest of the world. This budget has got things that are so trivial and so useless that even if rag pickers were to look at it, they would refuse to carry this “kachra” with them. I mean what more proof do you need to underline the uselessness of this budget. So without any further ado, let’s just move onto business (or the lack of it).

As the finance minister will begin every statement with the following line and so do I (technically it can be termed as copying but do you think I care about what you think about what I care and what I don’t… just forget it naa yaar) and it goes “I propose…” (Preferably Sameera Reddy… but then first things first… read ahead)

  • That the Big B stops endorsing 23,456 of the 45,678 brands that he is already endorsing. This is a great step forward for the “Small Scale Models & Actors” and would also help us in differentiating “Dabur Hajmola / Pudin Hara” from “Cadbury’s Dairy Milk” as 23.78% of the people suffering from gas and acidity end up eating “Dairy Milk” instead of “Hajmola / Pudinhara” & another 14.76% of the people celebrate occassions by swallowing "Hajmola / Pudinhara" instead of the normal "Dairy Milk" thus making the situation more uncomfortable, painful and most importantly confusing.

  • That all on-screen kisses and smooches to fall under VAT (Vandalizing Audience Thoughts). The VAT slabs are 4% and 12.5%. All kisses and smooches will be charged depending upon the number of them in one movie. Movies with less than 20 smooches will be charged @ 4% and movies with more than 20 smooches will be charged @ 12.5%. The emerging market for “Emraan Kiss-me” type movies/actors/actresses has encouraged this step and someday India will be a global hub for kissing / smooching.

  • That MS Dhoni, John Abraham, Paras and Bhappi Lahiri to be given subsidized hair cuts with the government spending for 98% of the haircut value and the remaining 2% can be arranged by themselves or through personal loans provided to them from all the leading banks at a nominal rate of 3.5%. The entire woman population running after long haired men and finding them hot has called for this drastic step. Rakesh Roshan, Jagmohan Dalmiya, Apoo, Alap & Salman Khan are exempted from this clause.

  • That Ganguly to be given permanent rest from cricket. A Special Corpus Fund named “Gajar Fund” (Ga-Ja-R = Ganguly-Jagmohan-Ranbir) to be created to support the life of the greatest Indian captain ever. This fund includes the opportunity cost involved in his quitting cricket (and thus the commercials) and also the cost involved into switching into another sport like mud slinging, pie throwing and the likes. The interest generated from this fund will be used to fund the monthly salary of Ranbir Singh Mahendra & Jagmohan Dalmiya, both of them close aides of Ganguly

  • That raising cocks will attract interest. (Dirty minds… read ahead). Following the spate of Bird Flu. All poultry farms will pay a penalty of in the form of CID (Cock Interest Damage) to the central government. This is done kept in mind the interests of all the non-veggies across India and provide more hygienic conditions for cocks & hens. (chee chee… kya pata kya soch rahe the tum log). Safe cocks are promised for FY 06-07 and bird flu will be eradicated by 2020.

  • That all firang babes, (the firang babes who were driven out for lack of availability of Indian citizenship… remember?) will be given Indian Citizenship without any questions asked if they produce the SLUT (Staying Low Under Traditions) certificate which will be available for only $12,345. This will attract flow of FII (Foreign Items & Item Numbers) into India and keep the film industry and all the viewers “warm”.

  • That all the politicians and the wannabe politicians will have to go through the PEE (Politicians Eligibility Exams) process to be eligible for being in politics. These exams will have an entrance fee (quite similar to the fee that you pay at sulabh shauchalaya to PEE[susu]), the proceeds of which will be used for Economic Growth & Development of the country. Failure to pass any of these exams will not allow any seats in either the government or the opposition.

There my friends I have put up “My Budget” and with that I rest my case (and my ass too… it’s tiring to stand up and read the entire budget). Please go through it carefully and let me know if the budget was acceptable to you or not. It is alright if it is not. I don’t care. Did you forget, it’s the “Higher Budget”. I would like to end this with a favorite verse (from a hindi film song) of mine…

“Budget ke is paar… Budget ke us paar”
“Goonjti chan chana nan… ye Iyer ki sarkaar”

(original song from the movie Sargam Parbat Ke Is Paar by Lata Mangeshkar)


adios…
Category: Iyer Related

19 comments:

Mona Mishra said...

Love reading yr blog. Really interesting stuff. I am getting more interested in blogging as i read thru some stuff on the net...hmmmm

SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP said...

Wah Bhai Wah!!! Kya Kaamal ka Budjet hai...I fully and totally and fullheartedly and happily agree to everything you have proposed, sad tht Sameera reddy was missed but sure you will make up for tht Ms. I loved the haircut and adored the others...:) Finally we see some solid, down to earth budget. Never understood the others u c...:)

Demi Goddezz said...

ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!are wah.. tera jawab nahi.. sawal tha kya? but anyways.. budjet tera kamaal ka tha....and as usual u are at the HIGHER LEVEL ...of pakaogiri.. weise are u planning on a similar budjet for the movie we all were planning?

biju said...

You just outdid yourself.. Absolutely hilarious... ROTFL!!!! LOL!!! SHL!!!

memphis said...

brodharhood ... i hope u wont charge 12% service tax on your laughing club service!

Bird said...

drop the customs duties on PDA covers

APOO said...

Iyer bhai, start charging tax on reading your blog. U will make money!

Anonymous said...

Damn Cool!!! This is surely going to take the economy to a Iyer level.

iyer education said...

mona: first time iyerospace is helping someone constructively... happy to know that :)

scribblez: iyer ne banaya hai budget... kamaal ka to hona hi hai :)

winny: what movie, when movie, how movie, why movie? budget banane ke liye salary ka baat jab tak nahi karti tab tak budget ka baat mein bhi nahi karega

biju: chettan... thanks a million :)

paras: no service tax on that :) only VAT for VAT lagaofying with pathetic jokes

bird: what diff does it make to you when you are not going to own any?

apoo: saala waise hi idhar koi aata nahi... tax lagayega to jo thode log aate hai wo bhi band ho jaayenge:(

anon: i wish... thanks neways :)

Demi Goddezz said...

abee kis kis ka WATT lagayega.... electricity ka budjet bhi dekhna hein na?

and the movie ..cannot disclose details in an open forum like this... agar plan kisi ne churaliya tho? phir copyright ke challar mein kaun padega eh?:P

Demi Goddezz said...

challar=chakkar

iyer education said...

winny: WATT nahi WATTS... NAOMI WATTS... aur mein KING KONG... ooops le meine story sab ko bata diya...

the olive ream said...

Your blog is scrotum-prolapsing and ball bouncingly funny!!...

Great read..must frequent your wears more often.

BTW, thanks for the visit to my blog...

The Arbit Council said...

awesome! :D

iyer education said...

olive ream: i never knew my blog could bounce someone's balls off... the blog doesnt insure anyone's balls... good that u had a good time :)

arbit council: :D

ganty said...

hilarious!!! ROTFL!!

Sriram V Iyer said...

hi arun,

one of the ultra customized, interesting and well-designed blogs i've ever seen.

;-)

do continue!

regards
sRi

bharat said...

fully faltoo!

pushpendra said...

Sahi hai champ lekin some of the comments are just too boring man rest all are just amazing,

Keep up pal