Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Arsenal Procedure...

We were never really a football buff at the first place. Football for us came once in four years in the form of world cup and an intermittent watching of a Mohun Bagan Vs Tollygunge Agragami club match. But this time around we have taken refuge in football for this particular post and in particular this particular club named " Arsenal" (anything but refuge is what you would make out after reading this post)

Since we have already proclaimed our undying non-love for football, let us also state that this post has nothing... naah... not even lateraly connected to football. This post is about the club we were speaking about "
ARSENAL". Little did we know before Friday, 23rd December 2006, that ARSENAL is actually a combination of two words " ARSE and ANAL ". And the next thing we know on Friday is that we are woken up early in the morning... bathed well... and taken to a place fondly known as OT. After about an hour of waiting, we are drugged and in a complete drowsy state of mind, we were surrounded by few covered faces (thank god we didnt carry our wallet, cell phone or valuables) and they begin this surgical procedure for Arsenal Extraction of Fissure/Fistula.

An hour later we find bird and our family waiting for us and we are blabbering stuff in the drowsy state of mind. And bird constantly reminding us of what powermojo did to his family and blurted out things in the drowsy state of mind, thus bringing about the thought to not blabber and bring shame to both him and us. Later in the day when the drugs effect warded off and the PAIN began taking over, we had calls from friends and colleagues, the latter to only inform us that we are missing a Christmas Party Celebration in the office. DAMN THEM...

On discharge, we were handed over a lot of papers to be carried back home and one of them was what they call as "Operative Papers", that these masked men make when doing any kind of surgery. There they had a pictorial representation of our ARSENAL and the the areas where incisions had been made and extractions done. The first thing that came to our mind was that the docs were practicing geometry there and they had converted a full blown (literally) circle in to an OCTAGON by cutting an snipping across numerous edges. We also thought that the mask of zorro (the main guy) wuddav used the fencing technique to get the surgery done, by holding a sword and running it back and across around 10-15 times in circular motion and the procedure would have been done. We wanted to laugh hard... real hard, but we couldnt... it'd hurt... we dont know how it connects but it sure does... it hurts :(

Cut back to present, we have shifted our thoughts from Arsenal to Chelsea (which is a gujju representation of Chaal Se ... which means... Chal Jaayega... which means... it will be alright). And we are hoping that we'd recover sooner or later. We have an important marriage to attend... OURS... in the coming month...

adios...

PS: If you havent gone over, please hop over to abhi's blog and figure out what plans he has for our ARSENAL this new year.

PS2:
check out the ads in the bottom of the post... had we written this post earlier... we wudnt have had to do the surgery in the first place :(

Monday, December 18, 2006

Wedding Preparations - I

Wedding preparations can be quite hectic and can take a toll (greater than the ones charged in the Mumbai Pune Express Highway) on your physical and mental state. We think preparations are more time and energy consuming than the actual wedding itself. We being the groom, being the person needing lesser shopping and all are in this state, so we really cant imagine how Iyeropatni would be. She'd be prolly half dead by now. And in case she doesnt know it, she'd be completely dead on the day of the marriage. We mean how can she survive the taanas and gaanas of people for her mistake of marrying us and deciding to spend her entire precious life with us. But that is something we'd keep for the future and post the yearly/monthly/weekly/daily/hourly/minutely/secondly torture she'd be going thru after marrying us. As usual we digress... and we realise that and come back to the topic of Preparations.

At first hand we figured out from our parents that in Iyer marriages, the groom and the bride is given less importance than the visitors coming in from various parts of tamil nadu and kerala. And how? How would you think would you explain the fact that the first thing we set out for is to look for accomodation for all the guests coming from our gaav instead of going to some designer shoppe and buy ourselves a pair of mojdi or even designer polka dotted football shorts(we'll come to this later) for us? So first thing we run pillar to post to figure out a place where all these dozens of relatives can be put to rest (literally). And surprises of surprises... There is no single hall/dormitory in mumbai that allows night stay. Even the goddamn wedding hall doesnt allow people to stay overnight on the grounds of that area being a residential area... Dont really know where that connects... But the problem still is the fact that our relative Iyers from gaav are going to be stranded. BTW, the issue is yet to be resolved. And in case we dont find a solution to that problem we are planning to distribute stations and platforms amongst our relatives to stay and put up for as long as they want.

Then comes the difficult part, Bridal Jewellery and Sarees. Phew... We must be the first guys to be breathing a sigh of relief on this matter as this was taken care of by Iyeropatni and my to be in laws by shopping for the above at Kerala. Crashing all the schedule in 4 days is quite a task and we agree that our Saas Sasur are quite a task master. So no major hassles for us on that front. Iyeropatni would have had, but she doesnt have a blog... So really cant let out the secrets here...

And the most toughest part (atleast for this post) is the groom's (yours truly's) clothes for the wedding day. Started off with looking for a "decent" pair of clothes to be worn for the reception. The shop guy at first showed us sherwanis and suits and jodhpuris and what nots with so much amount of glitter that it blinded our eyes for a moment. And when we regained our sight back, the prices of those blinded and paralysed our thoughts for the next 1/2 hr. After regaining consciousness and after heavily persuading him that it was a "madraasi" shaadi, did he bring his budgets down to our level. And we've promised ourselves to use the term "madraasi shaadi" everytime somebody uses stuff that is way above our budget. The toughest (within the toughest task) task was to look for the wedding dhoti. Yup, we madrasis wear only dhotis for our marriage. TOPLESS. And this is the most toughestest task to select a dhoti. Why? Think about this... You are supposed to select a dhoti. The shopkeeper comes with a variety of dhotis. The only variety available here is the thin borders on the dhotis. Rest all is white. Do you even imagine how hard is it to select 1 or 2 amongst the 278 white dhotis that is presented in front of you. We felt like we were standing in a "Swayamwar" and all to-be brides were dressed alike with ghoonghat over their faces and we were to select the bride only by looking at the nail polish applied to their toe nails. It actually feels like that :)

And this, my friends, is only the beginning of the preparation. We have some additional things to add on to. Which are much more interesting (read time consuming and boring) as compared to the mundane tasks of selecting a mundu (we like this term... mundane - mundu - mundane - mundu)... And they will follow this post... Please make it a point (not) to read it :)

adios...

Monday, December 11, 2006

K-K-K

All our predictions made exactly a year ago have gone for a toss...

We have lost our magical future seeing capabilities... A thousand apologies...

Now we have the K-K-K-K-King K-K-K-K-Khan hosting K-K-K-K-KBC III....

Given his prowess to pronounce the word K-K-K-K-KBC III, we'd predict he'll use up 30 mins of the show time in only saying "Welcome (back) to K-K-K-K-K-K-Kaun Banega K-K-K-K-K-Krorepati Tritiya"... (Crorepati is pronounced with a K, in case any of you think we belong to the Ekta Kapoor or Karan Johar or Rakesh Roshan gang)...

We suggest renaming the show to "Raju Ban Gaya Millionaire" or "Raji Ban Gayi Millionaire" (yup Raji is an Iyer name... a short form of Rajalakshmi)... Atleast that way we dont get him to utter and stutter on the 'K' word... And it would suit his " Rahul" boy image too :)

adios...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Beta aur Baap...

A lot of bloggers have moved their blogs from the normal version to the beta version of the blog. All the advantages of a unified google account and categories and we dont know what all have been offered to these new blog sites. And it seems that we will have to be patient to see a "Blue Button" on our dashboard for us to be able to have access to that. What they dont understand is that until a blue button is visible, they could have atleast shown a "Belly Button" that would have comforted us for atleast some time. And as the old chinese saying goes " Belly Button is better than No Button", they could have kept interest of the fellow bloggers. But then that was not to happen.


*Cut back to present*


We havent been offered the 'beta' that as yet. Looks like we arent cut out for that. We are sure that they must have known that our marriage is lurking around the corner and that it is time for us to have our own beta(or beti... as destiny may have for us). So to possibly avoid any beta treatment to the blog and alpha treatment to my beta/beti, google are yet to offer us the beta form of the blog. Any mortal human being at this point in time would have been frustrated and lost all their good faith in god and google and would have moved onto greener pastures like wordpress, xanga, typepad etc. But given the optimists that we are, we still are sticking to google... and kicking others with our posts. And what is that optimism you'd ask? Read ahead...


Any pessimist would have thought of the fact that they are not cut out for Blogger Beta. But we are a tad different. We think this. " Prolly google is working on another landmark innovation called "Blogger Ka Baap" and ask us to be the first and prestigious (ha) member of Blogger ka Baap... ". Isnt it kind of good to be thinking positive. Given that our blood group is nowhere being close to "B Positive" or even "HIV Positive", it is very surprising for us to maintain this kind of positive thinking. So all kudos to us (donkeys just love to praise their own tails dont they? By this we are not calling ourselves donkeys... we are just terming our thoughts as donkey's tails)


And given the features beta already has, we are sure the baap will have more features. Our positivity tells us that we'd have the following features in "Blogger ka Baap"


BFP: BFP stands for Blogs Family Planning. We'd expect the current blog contirbutors ka funda to change to Maa Blogs and Baap Blogs and they'd plan to have any number of Beta Blogs amongst themselves. And there would be a minimum timeframe of 3 years between two Beta Blogs. This would be made compulsory taking into consideration Bloggers' drive to have beta blogs. And finally we'd have an additional "Nas Bandi" (read Vasectomy) option for the Baap Blogs to put a full stop to any further Beta Blogs.


Auto Categories: We'd have categories assigned automatically to posts. How? Just like Google Ad sense figures out some key words and puts appropriate ads, they could read certain key words from posts and assign auto categories to the posts. Going by the above, we are sure there is only one category assigned to our blog and that category would be "Crap". Dont even try looking for other categories


Programmed Comments: This is one feature that we are eagerly looking forward for. You could save a couple of nice comments as templates in your profile and enable a random function that takes one of these goodie goodie comments and post it on one of your posts under names that you have decide in the profile. More of these comments would make your blog look like a very popular one. We already have some examples for our template and it goes like this " What a brilliant author... Amazing" - Carmen Electra... "You are just out of this world... SETI will surely discover you one day " - Brook Burke... " I feel you should write a book... You'd be a better author than VVS Laxman" - Jessica Alba... "Your content is very light and not at all heavy... just like my weight " - Paris Hilton... what say? nice idea no?


Auto Ajdustable Counters: These, just like the above stated "Programmed Comments" boost up the egos and morales of lesser mortal bloggers like us. Here the users have all the rights to adjust the counters i.e. hits on their blogs. Blogs like ours can suddenly start displaying startling statistics of about a million hits per day. And all this, with just a click of a button and a few key strokes and voila... our blog has more page hits than " www.google.com".


Auto Chat Boxes : This is similar to what was discussed in the Programmed Comments section, but the only difference is that the messages will be available on chat boxes instead of comments. And you could use pre-programmed responses for these messages for your advantage too? We are planning to have the following msgs in the chat box to boost our ego " A/S/L" - Lindsay Lohan (we'd say she's plain dumb... otherwise she could have just checked our profile)... "Can i have your phone number " - Scarlett Johansson ... " Do you provide free backrubs?" - Latticia Casta


With all these features that we will receive in "Blogger ka Baap" version, we'd only say we are more than eager to switch over to that version and dont care for these piddly "beta" versions that will be a passe once the baap is in :)


adios...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Gult Guilty

Our love for the gult language never seems to cease. Last time around we spoke about the gult word "randi " (it means "to come"... the "please welcome" types you double minded dholkis) that is not too well taken in the Hindi Language. We thought the list ended there...

Until the other day when we were having snacks in office. When one gult colleague of mine, called out to the other gult colleague from across the room screaming "Choosa? Choosa?"... (in an interrogative tone)

To poor non-gults like us, "Choosa?" is a hindi word and in hindi it means "Did you Suck"?... and to top it up, it didnt go down very well with dirty minded people like us... and how can it.... when two guys discuss things like "Did you suck"... and that too in public... and that too at the highest decibel level...

Only after later introspection did we realise that the medium of communication used by these two people was not Hindi, but Telugu... and in telugu "Choosa?" means "Did you see?"... They were checkin out some hot gal out there.... sheeeesh... we and our dirty minds :)

So all you non gults beware of this word too... after all educatiing you guys and taking you to a iyer level is our vision/mission...

adios...

Monday, November 27, 2006

IQ...

After this short story, we are planning to change the full form of IQ from Intelligence Quotient to Iyer Quotient... Why? Read ahead...
 
The prez of US of A decided to find out how intelligent were his intelligence agencies. And the best method according to him was to pit them against the best in a game of chess (strategy is the key there). So he invited the best grandmaster, Vishwanathan Anand to play against 4 of his best intelligence agents.
 
The four of them refused to take on this particular champ, on the excuse that their powers combined were nothing against the brains of the grandmaster. Only after the promise that Anand would use his weaker left hand did they agree to play with him. And surprises of surprises... They LOST...
 
None of them, including the prez, could imagine the best agents losing to Anand that too with his left hand. This matter had to be resolved. And it finally did, after 684 pages of an enquiry report by the top notch intelligence agencies, it was brought to the notice of the prez that Anand fooled them upfront... and hid the fact from them that he was LEFT HANDED...
 
Now prez is ready for the second round... and he's pitted another 4 against Anand... this time playing with his "weaker" right hand... Prez definitely has a great research and intelligence team... just that they dont have any IQ (Intelligence Quotient) but they do rank very high with their other IQ (Iyer Quotient)...
 
adios...

Friday, November 24, 2006

Some Changes

There are some changes that you would find at Iyerospace.

First, the good news. No more would you find long posts on Iyerospace. We are completely spaced out for the moment. Blame it on our work or on our upcoming marriage (your choice).

Instead you'd find shorties (we'd say this adjective is an exemplification of our good selves... so it suits our height... er... style) of daily humourous happenings in our life. That we suppose will be very far and few, taking into consideration the sad lives we continue to live on a daily basis.

Other than that, we'd still try and blog (given the sadist personality we possess and our penchant to bother our readers with crap).

Here comes the shorty of the day (excluding yours truly)

Central Railways (CR) has come up with a new money earning idea. This idea is going to earn them a lot of money through penalty collections. They are doing this by having hunks... read it again... hunks aka good looking guys as TC's (Ticket Collectors)... We have seen them at CST stations... And all the ladiejj we were eyeing upon, were in turn eyeing upon those hunk TC's. We are definitely sure that more and more women would travel without ticket just to get caught by these good looking guys thus filling up the coffers of CR. Great Idea CR... Kudos...

Now we are waiting for a day when CR would have Sameera Reddy and Udita Goswami as TC's on Vashi Stn. Actually looking at the way they are getting to work in films, we dont think its going to take very long.

adios...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I(yer)sland...

It has been a long time since we have updated this blog with any piece of so called crap. Now we know that, that in turn is great news for you guys. But we are the worlds lesser known sadists and our closest pals would tell us how we like to make people sad and then make them make all sorts of faces by chewing their heads off. So living upto our true potential we come up with yet another piece of beautiful (read crappy) post for you and you only. (If anyone is still reading this)


Let us first tell you that we are sick and tired of working for someone. That is so unlike IYERS. Most of the Iyers love to work. They love to manage. But most of them won’t take risks by venturing into business. But we do not belong to the traditional Iyer mould and we are planning to start a business. And that is what we are going to showcase in this post… OUR BUSINESS PLAN.

Firstly, upfront, let us break this particular news to you, just in case you missed out this portion of news on BBC, CNN, Aaj Tak, Star News, Sahara Samay, Vaarthaigal, Baatmya and lot of other regional, local and global news channels and news papers. “We have procured an island”. Yup read it again, We have brought an Island and it is on this Island that our business is going to be based out of… Head Quarters, Branches, Corporate Office all of them would be operated from this single island.

For your convenience, we have a snapshot of the Island taken from powerful satellite cameras. Here is a snapshot of the island with a 12X zoom from the earth. Naturally it would look smaller from that far. The location is still to be figured out in understandable terms but for now you can use 112 Lat and 221 Longitude for understanding

Now can you stop admiring the island and come back to the business from out of this island. We are going to have a theme entertainment park on this island. And the theme, without any doubts would be “Iyer”. Surprisingly, this dream destination park will be called “Iyersland”. And the rides on this park will be through donations from the well to do Iyers.

The donation part we say, we have cashed in on the report that says that Iyers are bored of giving donations to temples for building gold gopurams and silver plating the idols and all. They wanted a much more lucrative investment than the current ones that only sends them prasadam packets back home once or twice a year. And this definitely is one helluva lucrative investment we say. And we have also devised one way to laud their generosity and that would be to name the rides after them.

Ranga Rollercoaster – This one’s courtesy of Ranganathan From Reay Road (happy memories for Bird from Reay road… not sure about the ranga part though). The rollercoaster is so designed that it gives you the feeling of traveling in the hilly regions of Konkan Railways (en route Kerala). Hop up and have the time of your life. Specially recommended for people who haven’t had the chance of traveling by Konkan Rail in their lives.

Giri Giant Wheel – This one’s from Sheshagiri or fondly called as Giri mama from Goregaon. This mama has a chain of Iyer stores in his own name. Any southie would know about that popular chain of stores. Diversification of his portfolio has brought him into investing in this ride. And why this particular ride? Because Giri mama has been already taking people for a ride with is chain of stores. And this is just an extension to it.

Dorai Dome – Ths iD dome’s courtesy of Doraiswamy from Dombivili. Yup its not 3D or 4D… its iD. Where i could be any imaginary number that you can think of after sitting in this dome. The i also stands for Iyer, the original clan for which this dome was designed. We’d screen only tamil mythological movies in this dome where the heroes use atleast a quintal of lipstick to look like gods and demi gods. Who wouldn’t pay to watch these movies we say?

Muthulakshmi Merry Go Round – Muthulakshmi maami from Mulund whose world famous in mulund for making round murukkus (chakli in hindi/marathi) has sponsored this ride. She is so attached to things that go round (just like the murukku) that she upfront decided to go ahead and sponsor this ride for the park. We have taken extra care to ensure that the periphery of this ride is similar to the murukkus that this maami makes.

Ananthalakshmi Aqua Dash – Ananthalakshmi maami from Andheri who is famous for making watery appams has sponsored this water ride. The ride that is more slippery than any of the appams this maami has ever made. Should be fun given the background of this maami and her penchant for slippery issues.

For now these are the rides that you will have to do with. And like all growing entertainment parks, we are going to slowly and steadily develop into a full fledged themed-entertainment-park, giving kishkintha and esselworld a run for their money. For now we are not planning to have any food stalls, but we would definitely provide plaintain leaves (free of cost) to the customers to have the food that they have got in their 5 foot long tiffin boxes. Water would be freely available in any and every of the small pools in the park where the customers can take bath along with a dip for their buffaloes, cows, pigs et al if they have them as their pets.

Rest all details will be worked out soon.

adios…

PS1: We are still collecting funds for the park. So all forms of donations/sponsorships are welcome. But please stick to cash only. Rides will be named appropriately.

PS2: The above pic of the allegedly island is our new nameplate for the new house. We know most of you guys have got this. This is only for the help of some “TUBE LIGHTS”

Friday, November 03, 2006

Relationships and Physics…

Read it again you dirty minds, it is not relationships and physical. It is relationships and physics (the subject). After going through a spate of articles on relationships on various newspapers we have come to the conclusions that the guys who write such articles must have had Physics as their area of specialization in their college days. And this is not any one of the tukkas that we often make at Iyer Education. This is thorough research material that we created during out short hibernation period of about a week.

If you look at these articles the most frequently used words in these articles are “Space” and “Time”. And article after article you find these guys re-iterating the importance of space and time in a relationship. Who else can make such great statements about such important physics related concepts other than people who have studied physics in college? We are also very sure that they have deliberately left out discussing the importance of Mass in a relationship by taking into consideration the sentiments of rotund individuals like us (we are very grateful to them). Now we are digressing. Now we come back to the point.

At first we thought these articles were very helpful and would go a long way in nurturing a relationship. And we followed them. And look what has happened. We strongly recommend you not to go through such articles and even if you do take it with a quintal of salt (you won’t be able to take it at all). We narrate you a set of incidents in our own personal life and our reactions to them Before Reading and After Reading such articles. The two parameters are space and time. And the “mukhya kalakaar” of this would be (your highness) “Iyerospace (IS)” and “Iyeropatni(IP)

Before Reading

(In BEST bus)

IP: IS, I think I need some space…
IS: Oh sorry, I am so fat I have actually used up your part of the seat too… there… (shifts)
IP: Ohhh shitttt… You are just terrible…
IS: Ehh… Sorry… you still need more space?

(On the road)

IP: I think I need some time…
IS: What a terrible day… You asking me this the day I forgot to wear my watch…
IP: Shut up wise guy… Don’t act too smart…
IS: Eh… what can I do… I am like that only…
IP: Oh shit… just shut up man…

After Reading

(In BEST bus)

IP: IS, I think I need some space… (This time she needed the seat)
IS: Don’t worry. I have taken a place in New Mumbai… Very far from here…
IP: Very smart… Now move your fat butt away from my area of the seat…
IS: No seriously… And that way we’ll meet just once a week… Good for you…
IP: Stop cracking wise cracks… and move… will you?
IS: Saala koi ijjat nahi hai kya mera? Chal bhag…

(On the Road)

IP: I think I need some time…
IS: Don’t you worry… I am working American timings nowadays… 1-10…
IP: Kyun dimaag khaata hai… Just tell me what time is it? I’m getting late…
IS: Sacchi yaar… now I wont bug you with all those calls… You’ll get a lot of time
IP: There’s the train… now shall we go… you are just unbearable…
IS: Alright… what the hell yaar… no value only…

And look what has happened after we began to follow it. We got ENGAGED to Iyeropatni. Can you believe that? That is like being served a 7 year rigorous punishment for being a good guy (the life imprisonment has been reserved for marriage).

And now we think to ourselves. Physics was never our cup of tea (or filter kaapi). That is why we just got enough marks to scrape through into a commerce college. We should have known that. We should have understood that. But these articles, they just have got in half baked physics into our brains (they have left the mass out right?). Now we are working on draining all the physics out of our brains. And at the same time we are also preparing ourselves for rigorous life imprisonment. Need your well wishes (and some gray haired receivers to receive us from the jail after 14 years… a la bollywood film). “Central Jail” here we come… Damn you column writers…

adios…

PS: All of the incidents narrated above are fictional. They have just been created to fill up some empty space on this blog. We didn’t want to add the PS part here, but Iyeropatni is standing with a gun on my head right behind me… So… Bhavnaaon ko samjho yaar

Friday, October 27, 2006

Where art thou, oh spam commenters?

Ever since we came to know about this technology called “Word Verification” in Blogging parlance, we are missing something. Something that was so integral to this blog. Something / someone that made look like this blog was a much popular one with double digit comments on each and every post. We are terribly and immensely missing the more popular variety of spam commenters.

We cannot even begin to express out profound feelings for every variety of them. We refrain from doing that because if we try and get to that then we’d cry and we’d make others also cry so much so that Nirupa Roy’s record for tear shedding would be broken in an instant. So as an ode to her we refrain from discussing our emotions and only scope this topic up to the level of discussing the various types of spam commenters. So here’s our ode to the unsung heroes of this blog. The people who filled in the comments section of this blog and made sure that none of the posts had any empty comments.

Cash Day Loaners: These guys come up with excellent schemes that would put the banks around here to shame. Not even CITI or HDFC or HSBC can come up with such schemes. They come up with genius comments like this “Great blog. nice piece of information on it. Taken some help from it in creating my own cash loans blog. Do visit if you need anything.” Now we have a post on KBC and they cash (no pun intended) on it by offering me cash loans. Saala these banks don’t even offer me a paisa under the assumption that we would convert all of them into NPA’s. And these noble souls are ready to give me cash even without knowing me. And NO DOCUMENTATION REQUIRED… what say?

Payday Advance Loaners: These set of people for us sound like our ‘kaamwaali bai’ who keeps asking for advances much in advance of her pay day. These guys come to me with decent (not filthy or dirty) advances. If at all there was an Anti Blank Noise Project then we would put these guys first for making decent advances like “I have bookmarked you for the excellent piece of work that you have put on. I will like your presence at my site on Quick payday advances and see if that can be a help”. Look how they appreciate your work. And we’d need them someday when we use up all our money to have daroo instead of paying our kids’ fees. That day, we’d surely get back to them for some advances to pay the liabilities of school fees.

Student Loaners: On second thoughts, we’d come here asking for loans for our kids’s education. These guys seem to be more dedicated at providing loans for education than the earlier one. And their prospectus reads “I have bookmarked you for the excellent piece of work that you have put on. I will like your presence at my site on student loans and see if that can be a help”. Now have we read that somewhere? Do you also, like us, think that they have copied their material from other prospectuses? We’ll conduct a detailed investigation on that sometime later.

Auto Loaners: The next time we want to buy a vehicle we sure know who to catch hold of. These people. And with the kind of international background and international connection we might as well be eligible for something like a Ferrari or Lamborghini or even Rolls Royce for that matter. These guys are good at relationships and keep sending sweet messages like “hey what a nice site. Your blog is great .regards. Auto loans”. Now they make sure that they don’t get too sweet either. Diabetes is not good naa… that’s why. Rolls Royce… Here we come to own you.

Did anyone notice something common amongst the above kind of commenters. All of them are loaners. All of them have money to spend and enough time to spare to keep commenting on our blogs. These people are like gems (not Cadbury’s wala re). We promise to have a healthy friendship will all of those and we are sure we will need them someday or the other and on that day, these guys will help me out.

Miss you guys a lot… See you around some other time...

Now we end this post with a social service message to all the readers of this blog (1 to be precise… and that figure includes us). We have just got news that there is this blogger (read spam commenter) who’s found a break to the word verification and has started spamming even on blogs with word verification turned on. Some smart bugger we say. Please watch out for him, and don’t come back to us stating that we didn’t warn you beforehand.

adios…

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Bollymal Planet…

This post is yet another of our “precious” predictions for the future. So read it and remember it. Why? Because when you see something like this happening in the year 2036 then you’d remember who predicted it in the first place. So let’s begin with the tedious process of predicting… starting with explaining the premise for the prediction.

Firstly we ask, what is happening today to Bollywood Stars? The answer we say is that it doesn’t matter for most big bollywood stars to make appearances here and there on the idiot box or what they call it as the small screens. Almost all of them have been there and done that with some shows/music videos/advertisements to their name. So we are pretty sure that the link between the bollywood superstars and the small screen has already been established.

Somewhere, deep in the future, these superstars will be so bored of the daily soaps, advertisements, reality shows and other forms of outlets on the small screen that they would channelize all their talents onto a different kennel… er… channel. And this channel is what is known to all you guys as “Animal Planet”. This particular channel would provide all the challenges that would be required for a great actor and a superstar. And you’d find all forms of bollywood superstars in various shows on this particular channel.

And as a part and parcel of this prediction, we give you with a sneak preview of the serials that you’d come across in this channel in the future (year 2036 remember?) and the superstars that you’d find in each of these serials. So that way you could also use this as a ready reckoner for finding your favorite serials. All you have to add is the day and time and lo… you have a ready made TV Guide just for yourself. Oh alright… you can thank us later for that.


Planets Funniest Animals: This is one serial that would make you go ROTFL. Key ingredients of this show include the great names of Keshto, Mehmood, Rajendranath, Johnny Lever et al. Go ahead watch these serials and you’d never need to join any laughter clubs.


Nightmares Of Nature: This serial would be like a JP Dutta multi-starrer. We guess more than 80 percent of bollywood would be featured in here. Some of the more prominent names would be Sumeet Saigal, Kishen Kumar, Kimi Katkar and Zeba Bhaktiar.


Wild On The Set: This would be a post 23:30 program… you know… the… ahem… types. Superstars on this one are quite popular with the common junta and would include the likes of Meghna Naidu, Payal Rohatgi, Mallika Sherawat and last but not the least the legendary SILK SMITHA. (We surely are going to watch this one)


Keepers Of The Forest: Does the name sound sarcastic to you? It doesn’t? It surely does for us as this mega serial is going to include all the superstars involved in the “chinkara” shooting incident. Sallu Bhai, Tabu, Karishma Kapoor, Neelam, Saif Ali Khan are the stars to name a few. All of them are the “true” keepers of the forest. They just don’t know what to keep and what not to keep.

Dangerous Liaisons: Some of the prominent superstars allegedly having links with the underworld would be showcased in this particular serial. Sanju Baba, Govinda, Salman Khan, Nadeem (the music director), Bharat Shah would be some of the more prominent personalities to be seen on this show.


Skill To Survive: Second rung actors would showcase their skills that they use to survive in this industry. Some of the more important names in this show would include Ritiesh Deshmukh, Tusshar Kapoor, Esha Deol, Celina Jaitley.


Up Close And Dangerous: One serial dedicated to all the bad men of bollwood. Everyone starting from Pran, Amrish Puri, Prem Chopra, Ranjit, Shakti Kapoor, Gulshan Grover would make a ghastly appearance on this one.


King Of The Jungle: Only king sized superstars appear on this one. All MCP bashers can go and bash the channel for not including the Queens in the list. Anyhow, this show would include the Big B, King Khan, Amir Khan and other actors ruling the roost today.


In Search Of The Giant Anaconda: This show is wonly and wonly dedicated to the great Kakaji or Rajesh Khanna. Why? Just look at the word Anaconda. Break it up into three pieces and you’d get “Anand Kaun Tha”. And who else in bollywood is the immortal Anand?


Man Eaters: Any guesses? Yes you guessed it correctly. This would be a serial to showcase the biography and the life cycle of the won and wonly Rekha. Don’t miss it in case you don’t know anything about her life.


Keep watching the channel. You’ll enjoy every bit of what you would get to see there.

adios…


PS: Monkey Business is exclusively reserved for us. We are yet to find any takers. Some south Indian channel may surely buy it. And so we continue to hope…

Monday, October 16, 2006

N-Gage...

On our way to work, we thought we would make a post on our engagement and then post it on this blog. But then we realised what kind of person we are when we read this, a genuine and a beautiful post by our dear friend memphis.

Update 1: Memphis, has deleted the page from his blog. Thorough gentleman that he is. But Google reader saved the day for us and we have this post for you. In complete Italics. We suggest you dont judge memphis by his post. His anger was genuine. Here's the post, courtesy Google Reader.

Before I go on squiggling down 101 ways of bitching and abusing Iyer;


1.) I am angry so I don’t feel like giving a any title to this post
2.) leme try and be the first one to break the news that this tiny mallu/tamil freak has been hiding away from all his friends (Iyer get a life, we understand u wish to be low key but at least inform!!!).

Friends, Our pal Arun Iyer;
a) “Owner of Iyer education”
b) “All in one laughter shows”
c) “who calls a small dog his horse”
d) “doesn’t feel weird wearing boxers and visiting a 5 star hotel”
e) “For whom maruti 800 is like a 1000 Sq. Ft. house”, “who used to stay at Andheri and USED to call us every time he is bored”
f) “who spits in a hotel, if he gets to know that he has to shell out Rs.90 for booze and Rs. 120 as VAT/ Service Tax over and above Rs. 90”
g) “who is half Abhijit’s height”
… man the list is long, is ENGAGED. Yes, this tiny MOFO is now engaged. As in that ceremony where a guy and a girl exchange rings!

We so happy to hear that, and this A**Hole doesn’t believe in sharing the news with us. Iyer, you’re freakishly mean. I don’t know when Abhi and Alap got to know bout this, but I got to know the night before he got engaged. As in if “tomorrow is the ring exchange ceremony so I’ll get to know tonite” that way. Iyer I know when u got engaged but I wont disclose any more details till the time u apologize and treat us .. ok if not treat us ,at least call & say sorry!

Arun, if you reading this stop laughing and feel ashamed, u “confused half mallu half tamil thing!”

I don’t I should spend any more time writing on this hilarious piece of introvert.

INTROVERT! IYER! Ok whatever … as u see m lil angry

Iyer: Congratulations and good luck bro..I know you’re practicing how to be quiet(for ya’ll, trust me on this its very tuff for iyer to be quiet); you’ll be like that after you get married. so peace I’ve got no complaints. and “Belated Happy engagement”

And Iyer, please don’t forget to inform your friends next time you get engaged or married :P


Mind it, at first we got offended. But when we sat thinking over it memphis was damn right. So we dedicate this engagement post to this beautiful piece of article that not just tells you about the engagement but also brings out the real person that Iyer Education really is.

Thanks Memphis for bringing all these points up. Genuinely. Also thanks to Infected for being so forgiving.

So we dedicate the engagement related post at the memphis blog... That is all we have to say...

adios...

PS: If you still havent got any clue of where things are heading, lets just sum things up for you and say it in a nutshell. We are the worstest possible human being alive today on earth.


Update 2: Sweety Pie Memphis (and every other near and dear friend i guess) has forgiven and forgotten all the pathetic acts committed by us and have come up with this... Love you guys...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

BIG B’days…

So what’s so special about Oct 11 out here in India?  Not that it is some kind of holiday or something on those lines. Today is the birthday of Amitabh Bachhan. Also known as the BIG B. He is one of the finest actors available in the world today. Point taken we say.

But what we cannot understand in our tiny little minds is the fact that why gazillions of companies are hell bent on celebrating his birthday. Not that we are against it or something like that. But ever since we woke up in the morning all that we have seen and heard about is Amitabh Bachhans birthday and all of that.

TOI has his image on the first page. All news channels are airing congratulations and are taking wishes for him on SMS. Like they care if the SMS reaches him or not. Then there are radio stations taking messages from people on phone and on SMS for the BIG B. Why is this happening? Yeah alright, commercialization, money honey and all that crappola is all the answer for it.

Now that we are in a position to do absolutely nothing about it and just be audience to what is happening. We also believe that we are there for a social cause… equality. So we suggest to all the companies reading this blog (0 to be precise) to also celebrate the birthdays of the following stars so that they also feel special and not left out.

Rakhi Sawant: This is one hell of an occasion we say. And for one day we need to send Special SMS (Smooch Mika Smooch) to this horrendous gorgeous lady. Also companies could use three ladies sized handkerchiefs to make a birthday dress (two piece b!k!n!) for her (We don’t think she needs anymore cloth than that). We also suggest that companies sponsor Z security for her to keep her away from unassuming smoochers and saving media of the disgrace of seeing her after her birthday bash.

Salman Khan: Companies should celebrate his birthday by giving away prizes to the ones who send birthday wishes to him. The prizes should be in the form of “Go take your car and run over up to 3 people on the road and we sponsor your court proceedings” or “Take your safari suit and kill a couple of black bucks and we make sure you are safe”. We mean, what can be a better ode to Salman Khan other than his fans following his footsteps.

Negar Khan/Carol Gracias/Gauhar Khan: Now whats common between these three gals. Not their birthdates you airheads. “Wardrobe Malfunction” is the word. So we suggest that all companies should accept birthday wishes for them on SMS and use all the money collected to buy belts/naadas or any other form of fasteners (feviqwik excluded as its harmful for the skin) for them. What could be better for them other than the guarantee that their clothes won’t fall off in the next ramp walk.

Ekta Kapoor: The companies could organize wrestling/boxing competitions between mother in laws (MIL) and daughter in laws (DIL) as a tribute to this K lady. K lady could also be invited as a guest referee and should be compulsorily put in a handicap match between her and the winner MIL and DIL couple. The beatings she’d get would serve as payback for what she did to the numerous families between 10-11 PM IST.

Himesh Reshammiya: We could have an entire day commemorated to him by asking all radio stations and radio companies to REFRAIN from playing any of his songs on that particular day. We mean everyday we get to hear him innumerable number of times. At least his birthday should be a little change and we should hear none of him. (We predict that once the listener gets used to his birthday then everybody would demand his birthday be celebrated 365 days in a year… 366 days in a leap year if anyone was looking for loopholes)

Iyer Education: Lastly we would celebrate this particular gentleman’s birthday by repeatedly demanding the ISP’s to close the blog. We are sure that this has to be carried out year after year as we have full faith in the government officials and their efficiency in getting things done. So these companies can keep making petitions year after year after year for closing this blog and we give you guarantee that none of that would work and we would exist to torture you for eons to come.

adios…

Friday, October 06, 2006

Iyergiri…

So what’s hot these days, apart from the weather here though? The only thing that we could think of, after the release of “Lage Raho Munnabhai” was the applicability of Gandhigiri in ones life. You read newspapers, you listen to FM Radio or you change channels, one of the most talked about topic is of course Gandhigiri. And so are the million debates over the fact as to whether gandhian principles are applicable today and would they work or otherwise and many other aspects of the same.

But then there is one unsaid/unspoken principle that rules the life of almost all the tambrahms around the world. And that we would like to call it as “Iyergiri”. The last time that we saw the word ‘giri’ next to anything Iyer was the name of a middle aged mama. His name was “Sheshagiri Iyer”. But other than that, we haven’t seen any giri near Iyers. Not even Ratnagiri comes close to Trishur, even though both of them lie in the same line of Konkan Railways, but lets leave that to Lalooji and his plans for connecting both these places using some Garib Iyer Rath or something on those lines.

So we give you tips and tricks to fall for this good looking gal called Jahnavi (Vidya Balan). Don’t even try using Gandhigiri in real life to impress her. You may fall into unwanted complications. Try using Iyergiri instead.  Why? Arey simple yaar… because she is an Iyer. So here’s what you do to sweep Jahnavi (J) off her feet (and send her flying into the air making her do 3 continuous somersaults and then fall flat on her back… alright that’s sick).

Warning: Prior watching of Lage Raho Munnabhai is much preferred in order to understand the circumstances under which the following actions are carried out. And in case you don’t understand what is written here, please sponsor tickets for the movie yourself. Iyer Education does not take the responsibility of sponsoring those tickets for you.

  • Firstly you go to her grandfather(s) and explain them the advantages of “Curd Rice” (Thair Sadam) for their bodies in such an old age and also explain the various ways in which they can consume the same along with different pickles and so on and so forth. Make sure that you don’t go overboard with preaching stuff like Avial, Sambar, Rasam, Payasam and so on and so forth in the first meeting itself. Take it slowly. One thing at a time. There is nothing more important in the Iyer tradition other than curd rice. Curd Rice is the stepping stone to Iyergiri. Once this stone is stepped, all other stones can be easily taken care of.

  • Secondly, you take the old people and J to places like Guruvayoor, Trishur, Tirupati, Shirdi, Haridwar and all other devotional and religious places. If you are following Iyergiri then Goa is just not the right place to take these guys. And if you take them to Goa, then all the mehnat that you had done in the first lecture will go in paani. Alternatively you can suggest Lucky Singh to arrange for a tour package to Ashtavinayak or Jyothirlingam for that matter.

  • Thirdly, when the bungalow is taken away by the builder, you, like all peace loving Iyers should not retaliate and keep mum. And you could suggest taking J and all her old grand fathers to your family place in Vilayannur, Palakkad, Allepy or any other place in kerala or madras for that matter. Please mind that the place need not be a palatial one owned by Raja Ravi Verma or any other south Indian king, but should be enough to occupy 6 oldies, yourself and J. This could also be an opening for you to take J to the backwater rides of kerala and keep all the oldies closer to the country of god, thus making devotional and religious trips easy and perennial throughout the year.

  • Fourthly, you, along with J should take over the radio station (promoted by worldspace in this case) and start playing the likes of Yesudas, SPB, MS Subbalakshmi, Chitra and lot of other carnatic flavored south Indian music. In between you could also respond to calls of people by suggesting them to become a vaadyaar (pandit) and lootofy people of their monies in ceremonies like marriage, engagement, death of someone etc so that the person could return his father’s money that he lost in the share market. You could also help people who run away from marriages by telling them that how lucky they were that they are not getting married the iyer style and by explaining the rites and rituals of the iyer style marriage, thus scaring them and make them go back to their marriage and continue with their business.

We’d suggest you follow the following steps for the next 245 working days and J is all yours for your entire lifetime. That is our guarantee (which is valid only till tomorrow).

tootles…

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

IDLY served with JAM...

We are breaking all the rules here with this post. Gone are the days when you could relish your idli with a nice hot cup of sambhar or the spicy coconut chutney. In the absence of the above two you could also have it with readily stocked up and convenient molaga podi. This time around, we are presenting to you, IDLY served with JAM.

For all those who have begun / thought of beginning to puke at just the thought of devouring idlis with jams, there is respite. Things may not be as bad as you think they are. Read ahead to get the respite (or the lack of it)

The post “
Idly with Iyer” from Iyer Education was published in the “JAM” fortnightly magazine issue dated 15th – 29th September 2006. We would like to express our tons of thanks and gallons of gratitude (we likes these terms that we coined) to Rashmi Bansal, the editor of JAM magazine for having the article published there. We would like to also thank (*takes out a 2365 meter long fax roll with names written on it… calculates the estimated time to type them… approximately 23.443 hrs… and consciously decides against it*)… err… err… lets leave that for later.



Here are snapshots of the cover page of the magazine and the page on which the article was published. These are pics and not scans. We are too lazy to even scan them and post them for now. We also like the sketch that they have made for the post with “the fat guy” holding an idli in hand. Let us tell you upfront that it is a sketch/cartoon and not a representation of our real self. So all interested ladiejj can still stay interested in case you are still interested…


And as usual, we end this post with PJ… Please go through it, and in case your instinct tells you to kill us, don’t even bother listening to those silly voices in your heads. They are just there to trouble you…

The next time somebody calls you “lacey”, there are a couple of things that you have to do before you decide to react. Firstly, you’d have to do a background check of this particular person. This is because if this guy/gal turns out to be a mallu, we give you guarantee that they are not making any snide remarks on your exotic / erotic (select the proper adjective yourself) lingerie. Lacey to a mallu is sluggish to an Englishman. In case you didn’t still get it, mallus pronounce Lazy as Lacey. So please do give benefit of the doubt to the poor fellow and in case the person isn’t mallu, then you can take the necessary course of action depending upon circumstances.

adios…

PS: We just checked the
JAM website and IDLY with Iyer is featured there as “Taaza Maal”. What an irony we say… stale idlis from Iyerospace stored under Taaza Maal.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Strongest Passwords...

Password nowadays is becoming the key security issue for a lot of organizations and people alike. For this, a number of organizations are having what they call it as a “Password Policy”. This is what wikipedia has to say about password policy

A password policy is a set of rules designed to enhance computer security by encouraging users to employ strong passwords and use them properly.

We think this is enough for now. Intricate details on password policy can be found here.

As per the above definition, a good password policy is the one that is supposed to be encouraging the use of strong passwords rather than weak passwords. And like duffers we always thought passwords were always star rated rather than strong or weak. We always type passwords in ‘*’ no? So passwords for us were more like restaurants and hotels than anything else (blame our education for that). But anyways on further introspection we found out the definition of strong and weak passwords here.

For the benefit of all lethargic people like us, who didn’t click on the above link, a Weak Password is the one which has got all chances to be guessed / hacked by either a person or a program and a Strong Password is the one which is difficult to be guessed / hacked by a person or a program. So all passwords that have your name, DOB or blank passwords are all examples of weak passwords and passwords with a combination of alphabets, characters and symbols are supposed to be examples of strong passwords.

But regardless of the fact of whatever password policy may exist in the organization, there is always an urgent requirement to share/reveal passwords to another person. And yes, it is utmost important for you to take down somebody’s password to do their work or to access something that you don’t have access to. Similarly it is a matter of life and death for you to reveal your password to someone else so that they can mark you present when you are having the time of your life giving an interview in another organization. So there… we have dealt with confidentiality of passwords and also the human urge to break that confidentiality for his/her own purpose.

Now after all that lamba chauda bhaashan (long wide lecture) on strong & weak passwords we have come up with a concept of something called as “Strongest Password”, yup, that too of the superlative degree. According to us, “A Strongest Password is the one that the person cannot guess even after having revealed it... verbally or written

In case you are highly surprised or think that we have lost it or both, please read the above statement again and we will explain to you what we meant. We very clearly and lucidly meant that a password is strongest when it can still not be guessed in spite of the fact that the password was openly revealed. And you may ask how that is possible. Let us use some conversations to substantiate this point. All the conversations are between two employees within the same organization. (Obviously naa… what’s the point if you give your password out to some other person outside the organization and nothing can be done about it…)

Case 1:

E1: Arey yaar mera ID lock ho gaya hai… tera pwd dega… login karna hai
E2: NahiBatayega (yup that is the password)
E1: Arey yaar pliss bata naa
E2: NahiBatayega bola naa
E1: Saala tu to ekdam @#@$#@#@ hai… I will ask E3…. Hmpf

Case 2:

E1: E2 yaar mereko late hoyega… HRMS mein login kar de naa plissss…
E2: Theek hai… karta hoon… password to bata de…
E1: TereBaapKoPuch (yup… strongest password)
E2: Saala… @#@$@$@... @#@#@#@... tu apne baap ko puch…

Other examples of strongest passwords include “ChalBhag”, “BolaNaaTereko”, “IWillNotReveal” (for the engliss audience… however Hindi will always score much higher in our books), “JaaNaaYaar”, “DimaagMatKhaa”, “ChupKar” and zillions of other possible words.

We mean how much safer can passwords get. You stand in between all the cubicles with your arms spread out (a la di-caprio from Titanic) and yell your password in between all the people at the highest possible decibel and still no one could have the slightest of clue of your password (except if they have already read this post and use it as future reference)… Go ahead… break all barriers of security… have fun

adios

PS1: Passwords should not contain spaces. That is one basic requirement. So none of the above strongest passwords have any spaces… just in case you wanted to know.

PS2: These were real life passwords set by us, ralphie and mundra. Aur haan, please do not try the above stated passwords on any of our accounts that you know of… They wont work…



Monday, September 18, 2006

MP...

If you are wondering what MP stands for, just wait there… don’t even try and comprehend. Stop it there itself. MP stands for Maha Pakaoogiri… It could also be termed as Monday Pakaoogiri as we are at our very best (read worst) on a Monday morning. So here we go at doing something that we love doing the best… pakaoing the hell out of you…

Firstly we are seeing these entire bans happening everywhere. There are bans on blogs, movies, movie channels, doctors, nurses, sport stars, sports et al and these are like a common phenomenon these days. And who is paying a price for this? Dear old Hariprasad Chaurasiya… All these bans are over-stressing him. He’s reached a near burnout stage now. But the important question is how? We are sure you want to know the reasoning (or the lack of it) behind this entire weird episode. We just have one Hindi quotation to back it up with. It reads, “Naa rahega BANS… naa bajegi BAANSRI”. That’s MP 1 for you.

Secondly, we have teamed up with Himesh Reshammiya to make adulterated (read it as adult rated) songs. Himesh will be composing the tunes and lending the voice to the mystifyingly beautiful lyrics written by us. The first of such songs is called “Sayonee” (very similar to the original one sung by Himesh). The lyrics go like this

I lust you oh sayonee…
I lust you oh sayonee..
Koi Shaq… What The F@#$”... What do you have to say about that? Yup…  MP No 2

Ram Gopal Varma’s “Shiva” is MP No 3. We don’t have words to explain this particular phenomenon except for the fact that our friends were given free tickets to watch this one and they demanded a full refund from the sponsor (of the ticket) to have been put through such rigorous torture.

And like every “Looney Tunes” & “Merrie Melodies” episodes end, we’d like to say… “That’s all folks

adios…