Monday, November 28, 2005

gmail conversations...

Google Mail, popularly known has gmail has completely changed the way people look at emails. Emails were initially considered to be different islands of one-to-one conversations with additional spices of “Re” and “Fwd” being used quite often. But then nothing could beat instant messengers. Google Inc, decided to get a lil bit further than any other company could have possibly thought and introduced GMAIL which was a mix & mash of the traditional email and the then new instant messengers and believe me that combination rocks…

And one of the reasons that, this email-mixed-with-instant-messenger combination rocks is because of the next set of conversation just underlines that fact. The idea to blog about this wholely and solely belongs to paro. (this also underlines the fact that I have a lot of free time at work and I have an empty mind that does not come up with ideas for blog posting… but does that matter… lets proceed). Please do not make sense out of this.

Disclaimer: Iyer Education does not take any responsibility for the health problems that could happen to you in case you manage to read the whole post. So please… let me reiterate… please read this at your own risk

Situation: Paras(P) sends pics of wonderful painting on trailer trucks… and here’s what follows… the fellow members in crime are Abhijit (R), Alap(A) and Iyer (I)… the action begins from the second mail…

R: brillianto ........... :)

I: "brillianto"... this could be subroto roy's third son name (if he had one)... the first two are called sumonto and srimonto... just feelin bored... so paka raha hoon :P

A: Arun, Its Sushanto and Seemanto.And yes, the third can be Brillianto.

I: TOMATO TOMANTO... same thing ;)

P: how do u know alap ... tu yeh dono ka naming ceremony mein gaya tha kya?

R: TOMANTO?

A: No one can forget wierdo names like those, bro. :)

I: ya right... i plan to name my bengali kids POTANTO & TOMANTO... and dont forget my indonesian kids too... they would be called EEKEEMAATRA AND OOKEEMAATRA

P: have u ever planned to produce tamil kids?

R: tamil kids? like kanada kids?

I: i thought of it.... but the names were too long... hence plan cancelled... do you want to know the names as well... SUBRAMANIAM VARADARAJAN KRISHNAMOORTHY IYER & DORAISWAMI CHELLAPPAN SANTHANARAMAN IYER

A: How about Bong Kids .... Laltu Iyer and Poltu Iyer... Gujju kids .... Jignes Iyer and Kalpes Iyer

I: sorry... bong kids are going to be named TOMANTO AND POTANTO

R: the ads on the side are hilarious

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Cute Baby Names
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Are You Normal?
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A: Laugh master

Pune Newsline - 12 hours ago

Khichdi, Sarabhai vs Sarabhai and now Kudkudiya House No. 43: he's ...

more related pages »

I: good

P: iyer tere bachhe ka naam ... shenshah and badshah rakh

I: TOMANTO and POTANTO (if wife is bengali)

OOKEEMAATRA and EEKEEMAATRA (if wife is indonesian)

BIJJO and LIJJO (if wife is mallu)

KAMLES and JIGNES (if wife is gujju)

assuming that i am the husband in all the cases... aur meri biwi pe buri nazar waale tera mooh kaala ;)... (mera mooh kya aise hi kaala nahi hua)

P: what is ur wife is JAVA

R: ?

I: i will call my kids SWING and BEANS

I: he meant "what IF your wife was JAVA (language)"

P: this entire email convo sud go live on iyer's blog .. unedited

R: i meant ? still mean that ...

I: meant... still mean... and will mean that

P: hum clor - ment (meant) q khate hai?

A: When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

I: neither can be done over emails... better suggestion please

P: iyer u have to put this convo on ur blog today

I: cmon yaar... u aint serious... are you?

A: This isn't still ripe enough to go on a blog. It still has its pakau moments. Iyer needs to spice up his blog, no make it more pakau.

R: Do da right thing .. Bee a man

P: jo bhi hai .. i guess its got the potential to go live

P: or else somebody gonna get hurt real bad ... SOMEBODY!

A: HAY LADIE, WHERE IS YOUR PUNANI ....

I: to post or not to post, thats the question... iyer is pakau, so no need to spice up... and everything has the potential to go live, what it lacks is funds

R: MY SON IS ILL, HE NEEDS PUNANI .... GIMME TWO ... WAIT LEMME SQUEEZE THEM

P: This msg was brought to u by "! Xobile"

I: from truck to kids to russel peters... DONT WE GUYS JUST ROCK

P: yeh we rock .. let me make sure m not dreaming ... gota " tapsomebum"

A: TAP SUM BONG :)

R: It's Tap Som Bong Bew... you cud Tap the Bong sitting next to you ..

P: yes this is for real .. got reply to my mail

R: Congratulations you have crossed 1GB of space... You are currently using 1030 MB (39%) of your 2668 MB.

A: Close on Abhi's heels is ...... ME... You are currently using 972 MB (36%) of your 2668 MB.

P: good .... now dance

A: Someone please get us this video... http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5659732569004317671

P: u r allowed to dance only after ur gmail crosses 1 gb

A: Mar Bh*sd*n*,... http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/000481.html

A: http://bertrandrussell.blogspot.com/2004/10/rumors-beginning-of-this-standup.html

I sincerely dont know where the topic began and where it ended and if they had anything to do with each other. And I dont expect you (yes you the one, who is reading this) to try and reach any conclusion. And don’t even try not listening to me or you would suffer from severe brain hemorrhagic attacks… so this time listen to me once… and DON’T draw a conclusion.

adios...

PS1: thanks paro... tune kuch idea diya mereko blog karne ke liye

PS2: Bird, you may, in all probabilities have read this earlier on gmail :P

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Confusion...

The title aptly and fantastically describes the state of my mind right now. It actually started a couple of days ago and I am sure it would extend to another couple of days. But the bottom line is that I am confused.

At this stage, I can remember one thing. One thing that ideasmith had posted about confusion. If you still haven’t followed the link, let me put the gist of the post to you (Actually the post would be shorter than the gist itself). So here I ‘Ctrl+C’ and ‘Ctrl+V’ ideasmith’s post, with due reference provided to the source.

Confusion is not when something does not make sense;
It is when something does and is contradicted by something else that makes sense too.

Beautiful… isn’t it?

Neways, confusion also reminds me of apoo’s signature (with his due permission, which I suppose is granted) on his emails which goes

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both

This again seems to make some sense

But now I am confused between what to do and what not to do. The confusion is between my values & beliefs and my progress in my career. It’s difficult making a choice.

My values & beliefs tell me to stick to the existing company and get the job done, because a job half done is a job that is not done at all. “Stick to your commitments” is what the voices from inside tell me.

The other part of me tells me, “This is a great offer, you may or may not get such an opportunity in the future, take it when you get it. This would do a world of good to your career. Take it and move ahead”

And the best part is, I don’t have a lifetime to make a choice (I wish I had). I have to decide in another 2 days and let my decision known.

Now comes the best part. Yes there is something good in this confusion as well. As they say “some people like to thrive on chaos”. I am thriving on it right now. Chaos is what is going on in my mind and I am enjoying the confusion too. I am constantly in the process of evaluating my alternatives. Keeps my mind running all the time. I guess it needed that kind of running coz it’s rusted for sometime now.

But whatever is the final decision, I am ready to stick to it and not repent a bit about the same. And that’s what keeps me happy (not the restorent). And I am ready to suffer the consequence (good or bad) that goes along with it. And that’s a relief to me… A HUGE RELIEF

adios…

Monday, November 14, 2005

Abhi's Back

No No No No... do not misread this... Abhi's Back is not same as Abhi's rear end... I would prefer Udita Goswami's back to Abhi's back (if you too are interested in Udita Goswami's back, do let me know, we can discuss this at length)... but then this back is different from the other back... this back is same as return

This back means that abhi is back in mumbai... so you would naturally ask me whats so great about that? the answer to that would be... the way abhi was received at the airport was one of the most hilarious ways one could ever think of... the culprits for this plan would be alap, paro and mannu. this is what they held as a placard for abhi...

Photographs courtesy paras mehta...


I personally wasnt present there, but this thing cracked me up big time. I really want to know the responses of people at the airport, when they must have read this. can anybody do this for me? what else could have been better than "fish termite fry" for abhi. that too from the great "happy restorent", which is in talks with JP Morgan to buy out "Burj Al Arab".

Whosoever came up with this gag, you are great boss... and i am sure, this would have been one return abhi will never forget in his life :) ekdam dhammal...

I have come to know from secret sources that abhi has done shopping worth 1,000 gb. now that must be some shopping or what... neways... more importantly, it has also been brought to the notice that a precious bottle of 'Black Label' has been broken on clearance... this has brought unwanted sadness to people's hearts and faces... but unconfirmed sources claim that there may be insurance refunds against the same...

Abhi is on a gaali giving binge... I dont know if its only me or if the others too get a lot of gaalis... but i know one thing for sure, he mustnt have had enough opportunities out there in the US to blurt out hindi gaalis one after the other (except ofcourse when he met pals... i am sure pals must have had a good time hearing gaalis)... so it will take some time until he clears all the galis thats been clogged for around 3 months... till then i will be deaf...

I am planning for "The Last Tullee" with abhi and gang... i am planning to quit darooooo... its still in the planning stages... implement ho gaya to bata doonga :)

adios...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Ten-headed Mortals!!!

Okay, okay let me first start with the credits. It is pretty strange but the credit for this post should go to Bird. I was talking to him over phone; actually I am still doing it as I am typing this. We were talking about how overburdened with work we (actually him) are… and that’s when I told him to meditate upon Ravana and ask for 9 additional heads (needless to say 18 additional hands… now don’t go into other body parts and start talking about 9 additional di#$% and 18 test@#$%s… this is supposed to be a family blog and is rated as ‘U’ and not ‘A’ or ‘X’ by the blog censor board).

It was about this time when I could clearly see a bulb lighting over my head (actually it was the tube light over the next table) clearly depicting an idea for the next post and I thanked Bird for the idea that dawned upon me (some lame formalities of giving credits you see) and proceeded to write this. This place onwards, whatever is written on this post; the credit SHOULD NOT go to Bird.

So, the point of this post would be… “What would certain (blogger) mortals do, if they had 10 heads?” So where do I start? Which mortal do I pick first? Hmmm… *think think think*… Why not the source of the idea itself… To chalo, “Shree Birdesh” karte hain ;)

Bird

· A pack of Wills will get emptied within the time in which one Wills is burnt. It’s a very simple equation. And here it goes

Ten heads = Ten Mouth = One Wills Per Mouth = Packet Over in one go

· Bird can read ‘6 Harry Potters’, ‘3 LOTR’s’ and ‘1 Dalai Lama’ book all at the same time and keep complaining “Mereko koi Harry Potter ke baare mein samjhaayega kya?” (translated: can somebody explain me anything about the Harry Potter books)

· Bird can at least have 10 pegs at the same time thus saving us some precious time which we spend waste on looking at bird pecking at his drink after we have already finished our quota of drinks.

Abhi

· Assuming that the other 9 heads have proper eyesight, abhi can finally see the world in all its true colors. What better way of restoring eyesight of abhi, where people are trying to get funds and all…

· I guess I will get company. There will be at max 9 other people (remember: 18 additional hands) who will get slapped simultaneously along with me. So, it won’t be always me, who bears abhi’s brunt.

· And how can I forget this part. We (normal human beings) can be asked for 9 additional definitions or will be provided with 9 additional definitions and get confusedest. So grab your encyclopedias / dictionaries / whatevers before abhi has those 9 additional heads.

Apoo

· By simple mathematics, I can derive that apoo can propose forty women all at the same time. With one head he managed four and had no response (actually there was one, but with a lot of “shoe strings” attached, so I will count it as none), so it isn’t rocket science. The chances of getting a response from at least one also increases with the 9 additional heads.

· 9 additional heads means 9 additional types of kebabs. We could expect to see weirder forms of kebabs like pigeon kebabs, crow kebabs, cockatoo kebabs, parakeet kebabs … finally getting to Bird Kebabs… (oh how he’d love to make em and serve em)

Idea

· A total of 10 heads will mean 5 new blogs (in addition to the existing 5) and each head is assigned one blog. The 5 new blogs will be called
behindofficewhat goes on with women after office hours
xxsmithyideasmith, the lady
alternatecapersalternate escapades of ideasmith
cobwebsideaideas that are stuck up in cobwebs and cant make it
ideafactorfactors that ideasmith likes (including salmon kebabs)

· She would have to write 10 different posts if she had to quit blogging. So the idea of writing those 10 posts to quit blogging would in itself fear her and she would continue blogging.

Winny

· The speed at which the profile pic is changed will increase 10 fold. Obviously because we have 9 new heads, which means more and more photos of each individual head. Right now with 1 head, it’s around 2 days. With 9 additional heads, this timeframe will be reduced to 5 hrs approx.

· 9 additional heads = more storage space. Abhi you’d asked for it, winny will have it; more memory is what I am talking about. She can store innumerable details about t-top, bird’ s piping story, apoo’s dog chase, oh not to forget baandgu’s budday (I do remember that… its somewhere in October right?)

· 9 additional heads = 9 additional poetries. And bird will be the happiest. He expects one poetry a day. So with this, winny can complete her weekly quota in one sitting and still have 3 additional heads to take care of comments in at least 3 torturerzzz simultaneously.

Alap

· 10 heads for alap means all things (including “bombil fry” and “chicken manchow soup”) “one by two” will be rephrased as “10 by 20”.

· Pandus / Tholas (read cops) will have to face the MOST stressful situation of their lives when they catch hold of alap jumping a signal and they will have to face 10 heads talking to them at the same time and that too in ENGLISH… cases of suicides by cops will increase exponentially.

Yours Truly

· You will have Sanjeev Kumar, SPB, Kumar Sanu, Nitin Mukesh, Om Prakash, Ashok Kumar, Jagdeep, Amitabh Bachhan, Shatrughan Sinha and Dharmendra all of them talking to you at the same time. This can get harmful to your health so you better be insured when you are near yours truly with 10 heads

· One person (preferably bird/abhi/paras/alap/manu) should be carrying a bucket (better idea, sintex tank) along with yours truly. With the amount tears that will be generated with wimps and cries from those 10 heads you surely need something to hold them.


I don’t know what prompted me to write this… now I remember… its BIRD… so if you have anything against this post, please direct all your criticisms to bird. I can handle the favourable views…

adios…

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Poems in a Mallu Life...

Disclaimer: The poems stated herein do not reflect my views on keralites / malayalis and are made just out of pure humour. So in case you have a problem with these poems, you use your own wits and start writing poems about Iyer’s and please don’t forget to send me the link. I would love to read them.

This post is the result of a combined force-cum-threat made by Pals and Winny. I had to do this for the betterment of mankind or else pals would have unleashed rains across the world. Also this post has saved the world, since winny has decided to outsource poem-writing to me. Poems and winny are again very similar to rain-gods and pals. So if you are on the verge of unconsciousness after reading this post, think again, things could have been worse… you would be submerged under the wrath of the rain-gods and the only thing left after the aftermath would have been poems penned by winny.

These poems reflect the life-span of an average Keralite / Malayali at various stages of his life. I have considered the protagonist to be a man because we find a lot of female protagonists here (also I can’t say anything about mallu women… coz I have enough reasons to like them). So here goes nothing… There are intentional spelling mistakes to, to make the pronunciations sound more mallu… hence all comments relating to spell check will be ignored…

Age: 2 Mnths

Comprehend these peopull, I can none…
Am I going to be a Nair or a Menon…
Ryight now oll of them seem just one…
Leddus gryow up and then haav some fun…

Age: 10 Yrs

I yaam Unnikrishnan, 10 yrs of age…
Good at maaaths, baad at lyanguage…
I yaam way too matured for my age…
Don’t tyest my tember orr my rage…

Age: 22 years

I yaam tyondy too(22), oll by my self…
I aalso haav an appointment, to go to gelf…
It is an oyil combany, the name is elf…
My aandy & ungle (in gelf) will provide oll the help…

Age: 29 years

I yaam tyondi nayan (29), yet a baahchelor…
Returning from gelf (to India) once in a leap year…
Finally, I have listened to amma and come here…
To get maaried and return to gelf with wife dear…


Age: 45 yrs

Now I am settled, with two liddle (actually grown up) kiddo…
The daughter is Lijji and the son is Bijjo…
Gelf is funnnn, but not like home…
I have lyots of money, but no time to go home


Age: 60 Yrs

Now I am retired and taking rest…
But there is surya and there is asianet…
Kids are gone, they haav left us oll…
Now my pastime is Mr Mohanlyaall…


adios…
(no… no… no… not the big ones… take the tiny stones… they don’t hurt that much)