Friday, September 30, 2005

Jurassic Blog

Welcome to the world of writing diaries, which is an extinct practice today. The practice has been abandoned zillions of seconds ago. Gone are the days when people used to write down their experiences on red / black / brown diaries and keep it to themselves in their most private closets.

Sometime back, Shreeman Lichad AtthanaBaarah (Sir Sucker 50Paise Twelve) has done the impossible. He dug up his old cupboard and found diaries. Diaries that were covered with dust. Diaries that were empty and sterile. Diaries that were of no use then. And guess what he did…

He extracted the DNA of the most popular thing in the world, THE INTERNET and injected the DNA into the diaries… and behold… there is a new and rejuvenated DIARY… though the scientific name of the new diary was a “WebBlog”, but for reference sake and ease of use was called “Blog”. And he had created a park of the sample diaries and called it “Jurassic Blog

Before opening up of the park to the common public he had asked 3 scientists…

Prof Shyam Neel
Prof Lara Dhan &
Prof Jai Goolfaam

to take a look at “Jurassic Blog” and some of the “Blogs” that had been restored.

Shreeman Lichad AtthanaBaarah first showed the security features of the Blogs. Firstly that these Blogs were in the safe confinements of the computer screen and that they don’t jump out… they give both public access to the viewers and private access to the owner / trainer. A new “character recognition” security feature was also newly introduced to them, which kept away BLOOD SUCKING PESTS from the Blogs…

Then he left the three scientists to themselves to explore “Jurassic Blog”. They could choose a vehicle of their choice. Most of them opted for the latest model called “Firefox” though, IE would have been a better option but IE always comes up with problems called “If Not Empty Paras”.

And off they went for an excursion of a lifetime. The park was beautiful. All sorts of plantations and forests (read templates) were available. Some places were soothing, some were amazing and some were very beautifully done. But then the plantations were just the make up of the park. The main attraction of the park were the “Blogs” that were within those plantations.

Then they came across all sorts of Blogs. Shreeman Lichad AtthanaBaarah had done a fantastic job with reviving the diaries of yore combined with the Internet DNA. There were all sorts of Blogs in “Jurassic Blog”.

The Hilarious ones…

Apoo’s Blog

Megha’s Blog

Bird’s Blog

Alap’s Blog

Abhi’s Blog

Madame’s Blog

The Serious Ones…

The Bridge’s Blog

Idea’s Blog… (this is a blog family consisting of 4 blogs)

Scribblez Blog

Debalina’s Blog

The world of diary writing was back. Blogs shared experiences, views, counter-views (via comments) were beautifully written and etched forever (at least until they decide to bring the server down). And the best part was that, with the Internet DNA, one needn't crawl up to somebody’s closet to read their diaries. They were publicly available for those who were interested.

They say, “If everything is going alright… then something's wrong” and the scientists come across the most fearsome blog… that’s what they call it as the “T-Rex Blog”. It pakaoed and pakaoed and pakaoed them and drove them out of “Jurassic Blog”. :)

Now here’s the twist. Spielberg dropped the plan of the Park because of a couple of stupid Rex’s. But in the case of Blogs, they have decided to go ahead and open Blogs to the public at large as the Rex was considered to be more of an exception. And that the other species of Blogs would provide more edutainment as compared to the harm caused by a few Rex’s here and there.

And now here it is… Blogs… all tested… approved… and ready to use. Getting safer by the day… now we have special search engines for Blogs to search for your “kinda” Blogs. All thanks to the efforts of Shreeman Lichad AtthanaBaarah.

Let’s try and make best use of the Blogs and try and not lose it, coz if we do, Blogs would be history and we would end up making a movie called “The Lost Blog”… and I guess we wouldn’t want that… or do we?


Thursday, September 29, 2005

The View...

He never had such a view of the city.

So bright even at midnight.

There was a certain charm - the sea, the high-rises, even the stray dogs.

All very peculiar to Mumbai, he thought.

Suddenly he heard the sirens and sighed... cavalry had arrived.

He knew it was time to get down the pipe.

This is a part of the 55-word story tag passed on by Apoo

This post has nothing to do with Bird or The Piping… but then there are traces of it here… now I tag myself to read this… and try and make sense…

Anyone can take this up... its fun :)

Monday, September 26, 2005

Saat Saat Ek Shunya!!!

The title… translated into English is 7710, which translated into mobile parlance is the model of the new cell phone that I have just purchased. I have just bought meself a Nokia 7710. It’s a mobile phone-cum-pda-cum-camera and it rocks… at least for the first two days after I got it… lets see… aage aage dekhenge hota hai kya…


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Rumpy's 10 Laws

Rumpy is what Madame calls me coz she thinks Rumpelstiltskin is a bit too difficult to spell (can’t you see… I just spelt it). Enough of grammar and spellings. What Madame has done by calling me (g)Rumpy, is that she has made my name very similar to a great person who writes unsaid laws… Murphy… cant you get that… Rumpy… Murphy… very similar naa…

So one of Rumpy’s… sorry… Murphy’s famous laws is “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong”. And like the folktales of Kerala say… “If Murphy can… so can Rumpy”, here I am presenting to you people “Rumpy’s 10 Laws”.

These laws don’t apply anywhere (except Mumbai)… they are plain and simple useless… and they make no sense… so read them at your own risk. And don’t tell me you can’t take risks. If you cannot take risks, how do you explain your presence here, reading this? Chalo anyways… back to Rumpy’s 10 Laws

  1. You will never get the window seat, even if the train starts from your station. (Someone dick from the previous station must have decided to come all the way to your station and return to his destination just to get the window seat.)
  1. If you wait for a bus, the bus won’t come for eternity, but if you take a cab, just look behind, the bus would be close enough for a peck on its cheeks. (Indecisiveness is the key here… and either ways you are going to suffer… one with time… and the other with money)
  1. The taller one always gets to smell the oil on the hair, the shorter one will smell the stinky armpits (Crowds in local trains… hmmm… nothing much can be spoken about standing in local trains)
  1. No matter how hard you try, somebody will always be sleeping over your shoulder. (Local trains again… and you thought only standing was suffering)
  1. If you are a man, a man WILL sit next to you. If you are a woman, a woman WILL sit next to you. (Unstated rule for buses… some women don’t sit even if they have empty seats… just because its next to a man)
  1. When you are running late for work, everything runs late with you. If you are early, everything still runs late.(No matter what you do, you will have to wait for the bus, train etc)
  1. Your sleep never heeds to the alarm clock… you never wake up at the first ring… especially when you have to go to work / study.(No comments)
  1. Converse to Law No 7. Your sleep will overtake the alarm clock when you have to go out for an excursion / trip / date. You will wake up even before the alarm could ring once. (Again no comments)
  1. The day you don’t take lunch from home, the shops would be closed or the hawkers being drove off by municipal authorities. (Eventually you lie to someone saying that you are either dieting or you are on a fast)
  1. Working at home is inversely proportional to the documents that you carry back home. (If you are thinking about a laptop… forget it… the working tends to zero there)

Hope you liked Rumpy’s 10 laws. According to me, they are the part and parcel of every normal individual here in Mumbai. By normal I mean, the one who travels by bus and trains (the life lines of Mumbai). Please do not come back to me saying, “I drive a car… and I don’t think any of that is right”… its Rumpy’s Laws… and IT IS DARN RIGHT!!! Get it? And if you don’t, you can go to Apoo’s blog (hee haw… finally I found substitute words for hell)


PS: Sorry apoo, I had to use your blog to get some cheap publicity… bird asked me to do this (in my subconscious state of mind)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Begin Of Article
Arun Iyer
, Mumbai

A HALVA has been issued by the chairman of the All India Madrasis & Malayalis Dress Code Board (AIMMDCB) on all sport stars of south Indian origin (Kerala & Tamil Nadu).

Speaking to a correspondent of Iyer Supply, Chairman of the AIMMDCB Mr. Rumpelstiltskin Iyer, stated that, “As per our traditions, all Madrasis and Malayalis are supposed to be dressed traditionally, wherever they are. Our traditional dress code for the last 14,567 years has been ‘Veshti’ & ‘Angavastram’ for men and ‘Pattu Podavai’ for women. It is a shame to see all the sport stars of today disregarding this and wearing ‘Tracks & Tees’ (by men) and all forms of (revealing) ‘Shorts & Tees’ (by women) and this is endangering our culture and we are constantly moving towards accepting ‘Western’ culture, eroding whatever is left with us…”

On further questioning about what the proposed dress code could be, the Chairman of AIMMDCB board stated “I have already stated the proposed dress code in the previous quote, but since you reporters cant understand (and need more and more things to write about) take this from me, men should be dressed in ‘Veshtis & Angavastrams’ and women should be dressed in ‘Pattu Podavais’(preferably the 9 yard pattu podavai). We even have decided a dress code for the kids where boys would be sporting ‘Otta Veshti’ and girls would be sporting ‘Pavadai’… and there is no questioning the stated dress code, the men and women have to accept this, or we are going to protest against every match that they play in and make sure that we ruin their careers…”. The chairman sounded very blunt and wanted all that he stated to appear on Iyer Supply.

When we asked the Chairman of AIMMDCB, if he had some plan of action to implement the dress code, he had this to say… “Looking at implementation, we have decided a phased implementation for the above stated HALVA. First we target the cricketers. They will be asked to wear their dress code according to their gender. We can design special robes for them, if padding (by men re baba & not women) is a problem with veshtis on. We will give utmost importance to ergonomics and convenience”.

He added... “Next we move on to football which is a craze in Kerala. Veshtis can be pulled up and wore like shorts… (like every naariyal pani wala does) and make them adept at playing football with veshtis on. Next on we take athletics and make runners (long distance and short distance), jumpers (high & long), throwers (shotput, javelin, hammer) etc to adapt the respective dress codes as per their gender. The famous jumper from kerala will definitely win an Olympic gold, if she does get into the ‘Pattu Podavai’, and that’s an assurance from us. Lastly we are aiming at swimming… and we have decided to go for special ‘water-proofveshtis and pattu podavais. This will make hand movements and paddling faster. We have left out tennis, as it is already been taken care of by some other bored… sorry… some other board. This is just the beginning… by the end of the year…we will have all the sports covered (not to mention all the sportsmen and sportswomen will be covered [pun intentionally intended] too)”

End Of Article

It seems that a common civil law isn’t finding any place here in India… and as long as it doesn’t, stupid people like the above stated chairman will always get it their way. As long as people think fundamentally with a narrow view point, things like these will continue to happen. We all have crab mentalities… just about when someone is about to make an impression, someone who is making India proud in his /her own little way, we drag them down someway or the other. That’s why they say “Indians are Great… India isn’t”…


Saturday, September 17, 2005

Mythology - Technically Speaking...

I am a living oxymoron (it doesn’t mean that I am an ox and a moron). I like things which are in contrast. I always have been that way. I love living in confusion. I have always been confused, though I never seem to be confused, but believe me I am.

One of the most oxymoronic things in my life is my likes. I profoundly like mythology and technology. I know they have nothing in common; frankly speaking they are poles apart. I have seen people who like mythology but not technology… I have seen geeks who think mythology is crap… but I have been one of the confused types who like both… and I have no qualms about it. But let me tell you that I don’t know technology like some fellow bloggers abhi, alap or apoo. They are way too ahead in those terms… neither do I know too much about mythology… but then I like living in my own life of ignorance… you know they say “ignorance is bliss”…

This time around, I thought let me get mythology and technology together… try and experiment with them… try and introspect into mythological characters who live their lives with the technology available today.

Warning & Disclaimer: Prior knowledge of Ramayana or Mahabharata is required before reading this text. You cannot sue the author unless you know Ramayana or Mahabharata (like you can sue the author if you do know them… ha)

Begin Cases

Case 1: Seeta wouldn’t have been carried by Ravana if they had mobile phones. How? Let me try and explain…

Seeta: Aaryaputra, I need that golden deer, it is so beautiful…
Rama: If at all you want to capture that deer, capture it using the 2 megapixel camera-cum-mobile-phone that we got from Ayodhya, and transfer it to the computer and set it as wallpaper & screensaver…

Problem solved here… but lets assume, for some reason, Rama has to actually go and get that deer for seeta… then what happens… I even have a solution to that… read ahead…

(the deer dies and cries “Oh Lakshmanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”… rama picks up his phone, dials the number of lakshmana and then…)

Rama: Don’t worry… it’s a false alarm… its not a golden deer… it’s a demon named maricha…
Lakshmana: Okay, I will convey the message to bhabhi… "Lakshman Rekha" plan cancelled…

(alternatively rama could have sent an SMS regarding the same and saved some money too)

I know there would be pessimists here, who would be insisting on a “Network Busy”, or “This Number Is Not Reachable” message when the phone call was being made, but then I always look at the brighter side :)

Case 2: The wide array of electronic items and accessories would have prevented “Draupadi Vastraharan”… Read ahead…

(In the gambling den of Hastinapura)

Shakuni: Yudhishitira, what do you have to bet right now?
Yudhishtira: My Acer Laptop…
Shakuni: There you lose it… what next…
Yudhishtira: Bheema’s Compaq Laptop…

(after about 4 hours)

Shakuni: What next?
Yudhishtira: Arjun’s iPOD Player…
Shakuni: There you lose it… what next?

(after another 6 hours)

Shakuni: What next ?
Yudhishtira: Sahadev’s tablet pc…

I cannot go on like this forever… if I cant, do you think shakuni could have… and if he wouldn’t have gone too long… don’t you think the game would be over… and if the game would be over, how would Draupadi be ever “Vastraharanofied”? … think about it… makes a lotta sense…

Case 3: Email and Excel would have caused peace between Pandavas and Kauravas… read read (I promise this is the last case)

Pandavas sent Krishna as the “messenger of peace” to Hastinapura. There he was mocked by Duryodhana and the other Kauravas and Krishna displayed the “Divya Swaroop” to them… and only Bhishma could see it… not anyone else…

But then had there been email facility, Krishna wouldn’t have been there… a long email to (cant send to Dhritarashtra, he is blind) with a cc to would have been enough to intimate the ideas of the Pandavas at Hastinapura.

Again if Duryodhana or Dhritarashtra (sorry Dhritarashtra was blind… so lets rule him out) had Excel (and a laptop to go along with it), he could have calculated the impact of the demands made by the Pandavas (using functions like IRR, NPV etc) then and there and like any shrewd businessman come to a decision to give away what Pandavas wanted rather than running after puny 5 villages… right? why do i have to ask you... its for sure things would have settled then and there, and there would have been no war...

End Of Cases


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Piping - II

Have been running outta ideas and incidents to write about. There is nothing strange happening in my sad low life unlike the happy (or otherwise) life of fellow bloggers, who seem to have incidents to write about. Some crazy, some witty, some intelligent, some philosophical…

Nothing out here though… all khaali dimaag… nothing in there… hence I thought of an idea, which had been thought by someone else… in plain simple words, “got inspired”… by a script written in Hollywood by the worlds most (in)famous script writer who has come up with a gem of a story… and I am given the task of trying to complete it… so let me try… and while I try, you go here and read the initial story… take a good hour or so to read the script, until that time I will think…

For those who suffer from “hyperlinkosporosis”… read this

Bird is adept at climbing pipes. All he does is climbs pipes, till one day while climbing a pipe he notices a girl (for reasons unknown to me, lets call her VijayaLakshmi) on the opposite terrace and falls in love with her. But VijayaLakshmi's parents refuse to marry her to Bird (do you really want reasons?). So an angry Bird climbs the pipe which leads to VijayaLakshmi's house and breaks it, flooding her house. The girls parents cannot swim, and Bird rescues them and becomes a hero. Before marriage someone mentions about Bird being the one who broke the pipe and VijayaLakshmi feels cheated and refuses to marry…

Arey yaar kitni jaldi padhte ho yaar… take some more time to read it, while I think…*puts on monkey… sorry… thinking cap*

Okay done…

The story continues…

Heartbroken, Bird, like any other heartbroken hero, decides to go to the “k… k… k… kotha”. But sadly for him, all the dance bars and “k… k… k… kothas” are shut down in various parts of Maharashtra. So he comes across the famous “Andha” (special appearance) at CT (the next best alternative to the “heartbroken hero” after “k… k… k… kotha”). Over drinks, Andha defines a lot of things to the Bird and also asks for the definitions of way many number of incidents in Bird’s life including Vijaylakshmi, The Pipe, Love, Lust, Drinks etc. Bird not finding any explanations, has more drinks than he is allowed to have, and starts singing the most heart-breaking song of that time…

“Piyu Bole… Piya Bole” (Priyadarshan said… Said I Drank)
“Kya Ye Bole… Jaanu Naa” (I don’t understand what he [Andha] is saying)
“Jiya Dole… Hole Hole…” (I am getting high… slowly slowly)
“Kyun Ye Dole… Jaanu Naa” (I don’t know, why am I High)

Bird wakes up with a bad hangover, only to find an SMS from Vijaylakshmi on his cell phone (messages transferred by pigeon with a letter tied to its neck is outta fashion and more importantly Bird never wanted the focus to be shifted from him to some other Bird). The SMS says “Mein tumhaare ande ki maa bannewaali hoon” roughly translated into “I am going to be the mother of your egg”. It further read… “tum to mujhe dhoka de gaye… mein duniya ko mooh dikhane ke laayak nahi rahi… ab mein apni jaan de rahi hoon”, which when translated means “you have given dhokha to me… I cannot show my face to this world… I am going to kill myself”. And since Vijaylakshmi had some extra space left on the SMS, smartly decided to put the address of suicide spot too…

Bird, at this moment of shock (and hangover) runs all the way to the suicide spot… only to find Vijaylakshmi on the top of the terrace. She had smartly taken all the necessary precautions and locked the entrance gate and the terrace door. And for some strange reason she was saying her prayers before she could take the leap, the last leap… The only chance that Bird had, was the pipe that lead all the way to the terrace… but then the pipe reminded Bird of the pipes that he broke earlier and caused trouble to a lot of people… Sweat dripping on his forehead, bird is running out of confidence…

That’s when… An Angel appears from nowhere and provides Bird with a magical wand… this one called “Wills”. Bird has a few fags out of the magical wand and returns it to the Angel, who then takes over magical wand and waits to see the Bird in action…

Bird now high in confidence, climbs the pipe… inch by inch… feet by feet… floor by floor… and as soon as he is about to reach the top, something cracks… the bad memories of past reappear… but then this time, the Angel was with Bird… so he takes a leap and pushes Vijaylakshmi along with him… and says the 8 magical words to her… “Mujhe Maaf Kar Do… Mein Tumhara Gunehgaar Hoon”… translated “Please forgive me… I am (your) guilty”… Vijaylakshmi starts crying and hugs Bird tightly… the bird then winks at the Angel, who is flying with the magical wand… and then… abruptly…

The End


Friday, September 09, 2005

Hollywood Hunch

Here the word ‘hunch’ is not same as the ‘hunch-back of Notre-dame’. Hunch here for all purposes of understanding is “intuition

  • The same intuition that I get when I watch Hollywood movies.
  • The same intuition that the characters in the movie have as the story unfolds.
  • The same intuition that you will be having, (that you should not have read this post) after you read this post.

Enough of ripping apart Bollywood movies. Now its time to go global, to start ripping Hollywood movies. I am not too much of an English movie buff. One of the main reasons for that is my limited understanding of their language.

And I still don’t believe the fact that “Indians utter more words per minute than Americans or Britishers”. I mean how do you want me to believe that. I can understand every word of what “Rajnikanth” says in English, but the same doesn’t apply to “Tom Hanks” (you have to accept that it is a fair comparison, superstar to superstar). If Indians speak more words per minute then how do you explain “Scatman” & “Eminem”? huh huh… tell tell…

Anyhoo… coming back to the topic, English is something that I never could understand in totality. Again there are other languages like Java, that I couldn’t understand as well, but Java is not as widely accepted as English, is it? My vocabulary in English was always restricted to the signboards behind trucks and rickshaws that read “Horn, OK Please”… but then I grew up and my English vocabulary got better, not better enough to see or understand English movies…

The language barrier wasn’t too much of a problem in the beginning. The movies that I started off watching (around my 10th Std) had more of “body language” than English language (eg Basic Instinct, Strip Tease, Specialist etc). So, English movies weren’t too much of an issue then. But the problems started off later (no no no no, not the problems related to day dreaming about Sharon Stone or Demi Moore). When I started watching a wide range of English movies (porn movies excluded… they are language independent). I had a wide range of doubts that kept me away from watching English movies… other than the language barrier of course…

I feel Hollywood has some typical things to its movies. Very much like our own Bollywood. But since the movies are made on large scale and too much spent on the special effects, people don’t question them… but I do… I sincerely do… one because I am an ardent Bollywood fan… two because i am an ardenter Bollywood fan...

So if these firangs can write off our Bollywood movies calling them stupid and lot of other words that mean the same, I can do the same to them… I will list down certain things that are so very typical of Hollywood movies and things like those have kept me from watching them… If anyone finds them interesting you are welcome… and if they don’t and on the contrary find the author stupid… the close window button is on the top right…

The Shining CD / Disk
This is the most visual aspect of any movie. The data that is “super secret” is always stored on a diskette that shines brighter than the purest of pure diamonds. I could never understand why… why the data can’t be on a normal CD / DVD, placed in side a normal CD / DVD cover. Why can’t it be stored in the hard-disk? Why can’t it be on an email on someone’s inbox? But as always… the “super secret” data will be on a shiny CD / Disk with a transparent cover and what more, it will be the “only shining disk” in the entire office / house where it is meant to be…

Firang Agencies – Our Saviour

This is one thing I just cannot digest… I just cannot understand… why do these firangs have to put themselves into trouble (by making the movie… he he) and then some godforsaken agency will save not just them, but the entire world… they save the world from militants, aliens, hurricanes, tornadoes, monsters and a lot of other ghastly things available… Did anyone ask for any kind of help from them? On a lighter note, they have not done anything about one threat who is sitting right among them (the one in the “Safed Ghar”)

Maayavi Firangs

Lot of these firang movies have the heroes putting up masks like they are putting facial packs, change voices like they are mimics of the best order and a lot of other things that is outside my scope of understanding. I don’t know how do they manage all these things… but if the same is done on either “ramayan” or “mahabharat”, we do have a reason to crib about these maayavis. But the firangs can carry it out very gracefully, and give some scientific crap of an explanation to those things, I wonder how?

Firang Mithuns…

If “Sir Mithun Da” does something amazing here, we have to keep making fun of it all along, but these firangs are like 100 times more unbelievable than our own “Sir Mithun Da”. How can they survive car crashes, have gadgets that shoot bullets (to villains) and chocolates (to girlfriends) and condoms (to themselves) all from the same nozzle, climb buildings bare footed, make horses and bikes jump over one building to another etc… I just wonder if Newton was alive today, he would reframe gravity after seeing these movies… but the bottom line is, I still like “Sir Mithun Da

Computer Quick-Fix
If somebody could actually mend / program / hack / find and a lot of other operations that take place on the computer, at the speed at which these guys do, they would be the richest employees on planet earth today… These guys work at lightening speed… faster than phantom drawing the gun from his pocket… or mandrake casting a spell… I wish if I could have worked at that speed, it would have taken approximately 12 seconds for me to type this post…

These were just some innocent observations / doubts that I have regarding Hollywood movies. I don’t intend to pass any judgment here… that’s because my judgment has already been passed… its in favor of Bollywood movies… however stupid they are… but they are fun… and I understand them… much more than I can understand these firangs… but not all Hollywood movies are bad… but then if I didn’t have doubts… then I wouldn’t have this post… which in turn would have been good for humanity…


PS1: you should have trusted your instinct / hunch and should have not read this post…

PS2: next time onwards, learn to trust your instinct… it will always guide you to the right place

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Blog Utilities!!!

Blogs, I must confess has become one of the most integral part of my life. I just cannot imagine a day when I don’t check certain Blogs (not to mention the comments that follow every post). Had I been disciplined in the other aspects of life (like exercise) like I am in checking for Blogs and comments, I would have been slimmer (not that I am fat… but I could drop off some excess baggage), ok no more digression from the topic…

Coming back to the topic, Blogs have become an integral part of each of the Blogger’s lives. But then there are a lot of people out there who know nothing about Blogs (but I am not complaining). It will take some time for people to come to terms with things like these. Lets take an example of any thing, lets take mobile phones… initially only a lucky few had handsets, then the people started to understand the utility, the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones and slowly but steadily, the number of subscribers increased and now we are in such a stage of our lives, where not having a mobile is a “cool” thing and every second person has a mobile phone.

Again digression? No… I am coming to the point… all of the people who had these mobiles still lived a comfortable life earlier, not needing a mobile at all… but then came the mobile and changed everything didn’t it… everyone has a mobile phone… so what was the difference between now and then? Why did people buy mobile phones when they lived a life even without it? The reason is very simple… “A Utility Was Created”… Marketing people would like to call it “Positioning” (as they often are with jargons)… People were made to understand that “that” particular utility was missing from their lives, and mobile phones would fill in that “gap”…

Still on digression track… almost there… almost to the point… (I am very poor at making a point). Blogs are in the first phase (according to me). I guess I can foresee the Blogs at the next level (I don’t have too much of a vision thingy in me, but everything in life has exceptions). Blogs cold be used for a lot of useful purposes… and that is what this is about… “Blog Utilities

Curriculum Vitae’s

Also commonly known as Bio Data’s, Blogs can be a wonderful alternative to the bland bio-data’s of individuals. Just think about it… Apart from the text, the colors, the posts, the profile pic (yeah baby… now we are talking) can tell much more about a person than just a plain piece of paper. Lets accept one thing, the work of the HR executive (do they actually work?) who is in the process of screening and filtering individuals can get colorful and can be fun if he/she has to go through various colorful Blogs instead of going through the white papers at length (one reason why I changed my template from plain white to some “shade of grey”… does that sound like a hindi fillum line?)

Janam Kundli

First there used to be the traditional style of marriage, then tagged along love stories on roads / campuses etc, then tagged along romances over phones and then the coochie-coo lovers over messengers joined the brigade, then why should Bloggers be left out. We could have specific pundits that can take a look at a “prospective groom blog” and a “prospective bride blog” and then decide if there is a match. I guess this match would be definitely fairer than the ones as indicated by our stars. (*thinking* Whose blog should my treacherous blog be compared with… any takers here?)

Visiting Cards & Invitation Cards

Too many people today talk about reducing paper wastage, saving the environment and lots of other stuff that is not substantiated by ways of doing it. I say make visiting cards and invitation cards illegal and have them posted on Blogs. If the visiting card is too personal, then no sweat, just have your email address on the profile and the rest can be contacted through email. If your invitation card is to be viewed by only a few people, then have it posted on some archived posts… this will ensure reduction of costs for your wedding / function and only the ones who are really interested and have put in enough efforts to find this out, will attend your wedding / function.

Enough is enough… I can’t think more than that… I have already crossed the limits of my thinking (which I rarely do), but again three contributions from one guy is fair enough… now I leave the other utilities / possibilities for you to decide and contribute in the form of comments (as per Indian standards, this procedure is called “buck passing” and I have just done that)… but I would love to see Blogs being a routine part of our everyday living… wishful thinking… is it?


Friday, September 02, 2005

Planet of the Appas

Disclaimer: This has got nothing to do with The Bridge’s Post or Abhi’s Post over money and monkey matters. This also has nothing to do with the movie title which sounded similar.

This post is about a prediction… a great one for that matter. It is combined prediction by the great “Unnikrishnan Sridharan Menon Thamburattil” (from Eranakulam) & “Subramanian Krishnamoorthy Varadarajan Iyengar” (from Madras). Someday this prediction is going to come true… and its just not me to believe this… this prediction has been constantly shown on Asianet and SUN TV so much so that, they have stopped showing weather predictions and started focusing on these predictions. This is what the prediction is all about…

Someday in the year of 2015, in the month of August (generally known as “Karkadakam” or “Aadi” in Kerala and Madras, and in that order), there is going to be an attack on earth from a different planet. The attackers belong would belong to the planet of “Dravidzoid” (nothing to do with the name of a similar sounding cricketer). Actually these attackers are Dravidians that have gone and long back settled in a different planet, when they were driven by the Aryans, so this one is going to be an equalizer (1-1). And the only people who will be spared will be the ones wearing white “veshtis” or “mundus” (commonly known as “lungi”) or “pattu” sarees. And hence, the survivors of this mass destruction would be essentially people from Madras & Kerala.

(This post is for the ones who wont be alive on that day to see all this happening… and I am taking this opportunity to wish all of you in advance… “May Your Soul Rest In Peace”)

There would be no geographical boundaries to this place, just one planet in its entirety… and for the sakes of simplification; it will be called “Planet Of The Appas”. The real name of this planet could either be “Chambakkullam” (suggestion from mallus) or “Thirunalvelli” (suggestion from madrasis), depending upon who gets political mileage and superiority, but then that is not yet decided. And then, the “Appas” take over the dilapidated planet and convert it as per their whims and fancies.

But then, what is the fun if there are no “other” survivors (who have been underground) to see this planet. Yes there would be a select few people from other castes and races to be tortured by all the “Appas”, in the following ways and forms. (for simplification purposes, the “other” survivors have been referred to as “they” in the rest of the post)

Food… (which then would be termed as “Saapad” or “Meals”)

They, who used to feast on dishes like “Tandoori Chicken”, “Chicken Crispy” (Bird, this one is for you), “Pitzas” (this is how westerners pronounce it, I guess) and loads of other cuisines, now will have to help themselves with “Sambar”, “Avial”, “Rasam” (gravy) and not to forget the staple diet, the all pervasive, “Rice”, which would be again available in various flavors like “Puliyodarai” (Tamarind Rice) and the evergreen favourite “Tair Saadam” (Curd Rice). Lijjat Papads will be replaced by “Appalams”, “Vadaams” and “Karvadaams”.

Morning breakfast would have “Idli”, “Dosai” (its Dosai and not Dosa), “Chutney”, “Molagaa Podi” (Masala Powder) etc. No tea or any other form of hot beverages will be served, and will be replaced by the famous “filter kaapi” (sorry apoo, no more StarBucks…)

The only sweet dish (its not dessert... its sweet dish) available would be “payasam” (idea: did you anytime mention that you like payasam?) and would be available in all different flavours.

(All of the above stated dishes will contain coconut, whether they like it or not)

Dressing & Clothing

If anyone has seen “The Island”, you would then get a rough idea of how the dress code of “The Planet of Appas” is going to be. Pure white… For men its pure white shirt, pure white “veshti” or “mundu” and for women it is going to be pure white “pattu” sarees and blouses… No comments has yet been made on undergarments. The predictors, it seems don’t have “X-Ray” vision to figure that out ;)

General Health

All streams of medicine would cease to exist, except the one, the sole survivor, the world famous “Kottakyal Arya Vaidyashaala” (KAV). No more allopathy or homeopathy or unani or whatever, it is just going to be “KAV”. If you don’t have an idea of what I am talking about, a person visiting “KAV” would end up with a prescription list that looks something like this…

  • “Gandhakarajarasaayanam”
  • “Mahaathiktakamkashaayam”
  • “Maanibhadramlegyam”
  • “Gorochanadigudiga”
  • “Kaaishoregulguloo”

And lots of other medicines, which I cant pronounce. God bless them with at least the names of the medicines if not the effects.

Other General Stuff

The only format of music that people will hear will be the “YumBeeThree” format. All other formats are either extinct or not supported.

Move away Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, SRK etc (if they are alive then), and move in “Rajnikaanth”, “Mohanlal”, “Mammooty”, “Jayaram”, “Sharath Kumar” etc… Take it or leave it (all movies are by default tax free)

There wont be any gods or religions either… some of the actors listed above already have temples at some places, those guys would be gods and those places, the most sacred and religious places.

Move over GNR, Metallica and all other singers and Move in “KJ Yesudas”, “SP Balasubramanian”, “Chitra”… they are compelled to listen to them… and no more hindustaani or any other form of music… just plain and simple “Carnatic

The word “Money” would be used to denote time (Yetra Mani = What is the Time?). And currency will be termed as “Kaasu”. I hope they can accept the difference between the former “Money” and the latter “Money

Sabarimalai”, “Pazhanimalai” and “Tirumalai” will be tourist spots and hill station getaways. But then getting there would be difficult, if they can’t pronounce either of them properly.

No alcohol… only “elaneer” (coconut water). If some of them are alcoholics, then they are going to suffer a lot. (if you are going to be one of them, start stocking some, right away… rum tastes great with “elaneer”)

I just can’t keep going like this, trying to explain how the poor souls would be tormented. This could get grotesque, hence decided to stop here (abruptly), but then I guess you kind of got the picture of how things would be… so decide today itself… and if you are not yet dead after reading this post… try and do humanity a favor… kill yourself… or even better… kill the author…