Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Mee-Mee-Cry

Lot of people who have tullee sessions with me will vouch for this. I love making parodies and doing mimicry (mee-mee-cry as abhi would like to put it) once I down a couple of pegs (bird, its not brandy and hot water). I just love ripping songs and actors apart. Okay I accept the fact that the only one who likes those parodies and mimicries is me, but again it’s out of motherly love, because my parodies and mimicries are my own babies. Others keep staring at me like I have thrown out a tear gas dabba. But there are other times (read: very very very very fewestest) when the parodies and mimicries are genuinely funny and we all have a good laugh at it.

This post isn’t about bragging about me and my capabilities to pen sucking parodies and word pathetic mimicries. I thought about extending the concept of parodies and mimicries to Blogs and blog posts. So this post would be about how certain people would write (not entire posts, but a couple of lines) about a certain situation. Now this is going to be difficult and not going to be “so funny” because this is a new concept that is not yet tried and tested. So please ignore (as you guys most often do) any form of mistakes or overstatements herein.

Hmmm… so what do we need to start off… ya right… a topic to write about? And that would be… (so what is making news here in Mumbai on a daily basis)… okay fine… lets take the topic to be “The Closure of Dance Bars In Mumbai”.

Disclaimer: Most of these authors wont like to comment on a situation like this. Hence all the views made herein are purely fictional and in no way or form depicts their thoughts & views on the given topic. Some contents may be copied to the clipboard from your blog and then pasted on this post. Please consider this as an act of ignorance and not infringement of the copyright act.

Idea(xxfactor style)

The decision of closing down all dance bars and rendering the entire bar girls jobless has been taken by ONE MAN. It’s like this. Men are so simple....to understand, to read, to react to and to judge and so are their judgments. Given an opportunity, this man would rob all women of their livelihood. But these women are strong, very strong. Maybe it is automatic defenses that are built in them as a result of conditioning that tells them that they are vulnerable and have a lot more to lose from a mistake that this man commits. As women robbed of their livelihood, they have to build some defenses and nastiness is one way to ward off unwanted attention and keep away from getting into prostitution rackets etc. In reply to his decision I guess, I can only say (this to the bar girls) keep trying and keep your fingers crossed.

Winny

Inka Dil keh raha hai baar baar
Kyun band hai ye saare dance bar…

Karta hai sab dance girls ko bekaraar
Saare bouncers aur waiters ko kar diya bekaar…

Bas inka dil keh raha hai ek baat
Bar khul jaaye to kaam ho jaaye start…

Apoo

Ladkiyon(girls), the dance bars are closed. What’s your backup plan?

Since ages all dance bar owners have been preparing their bar girls to deal with the above one liner.

Sarkaar waale kya kahengay? (Translate: What will the people in law say)

Dear, the way to a customer's heart (since the bars have been closed) is through his stomach.(earlier it used to be located somewhere else)

It’s been put down as a bar-girls noble duty to entertain. The more variety and lesser the clothes, happier the customer and higher the tips. It’s a fact, accepted. At face value. Now wait dear. Keep that gun down. Before some gangster pulls the trigger let me explain. This post is not about the bar girls and the tradition of dancing being passed down from one to another.

For an unemployed bar girl, nothings more lucrative than a having a career where they can cook. Agreed?

Here. I'll let you in on a little secret. The way to a customer’s heart is through his stomach. Yup guys. The world has changed, the dance bars are closed, open ya eyes.

Practice makes a bar girl perfect. Slow but steady, they will get better. First they should experiment on fellow bar girls if they survive, then their neighbours and if they too survive, they would be ready to open their own restaurant. And thus all the bar girls will be employed back again

Bird

Been a long time since I realized that there used to be dance bars & that they needed my attention, of course the same goes for my toenails & my fingernails, thankfully the hair fall off & take care of themselves. But I have decided to make amends to the situation & here is my first attempt at creatively using the spare time I get after the dance bars have been shut, by writing about them that is. Anyways I have quit my earlier job, left my Reay Road station behind and left my beloved Harbour Local even farther behind and the memories about dance bars being the farthest. I was attending a meeting when this happened, when I heard about what RR Patil decided to seal the fate for all the bar girls. What got my attention this time was I heard Madnesh screaming. I could plainly hear him yell “Oh F****!!” around 20 times till I got out of my office. Only to find the news being aired on NDTV. Gone were the days when me and Murali would shower notes on the bar girls in “doosra” style. All of that is gone now. I can’t help but laugh as I look back, life was weird then than it is now. I think I am getting old or lazy or both to be doing stupid things. Closed Dance Bars suck the joy out of living.

Abhi

This minister dude, lets call him X, is the epitome of banning skits world over. He is directly affected by everything under the sun (also the moon. I have rarely heard about dance bars open during day). Trust me on this when I say EVERYTHING, I most certainly mean it. X is also amazingly skilled at making the other person believe that he/she (the person speaking with him) is severely flawed in all aspects of life and the best option for him/her and the living world is simply to not be in the living world (and shut the enterprise that earned them their living). And he/she will select the best possible method to end his/her hideous livelihoods. Thus the dance bars in Mumbai have been shut down.

A mighty lot have fallen into his trap already and its only time till they snap into suspended animation and ask the almighty for forgiveness. Life for them as a neutral isn’t as easy either. This, is what X has done to the dance bars in Mumbai.

Uncut news: Some unconfirmed reports are that he's going around the city stopping vehicles on the road asking them for their PUC papers.

Watch out fellas. X might just break your day!!

Now all the above mentioned people, now you can start the process of bashing... Let my soul rest in peace

adios…

PS: Mimicry on blogs is much easier than offline… Ctrl + C and Ctrl +V is definitely a boon that I should thank MS for :)

41 comments:

abhi said...

hahaaa .. iyere .... that was awesomee man

APOO said...

HAHAHAHAHA!

I echo Abbs thoughts. Major dhamaal thaa. I look forward to some CT sessions with ya when I come down to amchi Mumbai!

Why was Alap spared? I wanna hear something on terms of "Dont close the dance bars, but break them into one by two"

iyer education said...

apoo & abhi : thengew saab

apoo: ct sessions it is... alap was spared due to his lack of committment to his blog and commenting on others blogs... in any case alap's post would have more words like 'framework' and 'distributive polymorphic justice' than 'one by two' ;)

paras said...

madrasi ... fulltus amazing ...hahha

paras said...

by the way .. whts wrong with the rt side panel on ur blog?

iyer education said...

paras: nice that you liked it.. and there is nothing wrong with my right side of the panel... try using firefox... it will be perfect...

on the PJ side, India hai yaar... keep left hai... bhool gaya kya?

paras said...

left ... where do u get that?

Bird said...

Ignored.

iyer education said...

paro: you get left on the right panel... and since that is not visible... you cannot get it!!!

bird: i know you adore me... and you misspelt ADORED as IGNORED... in anycase i lahoo you

paras said...

how do u know rt panel was not visible? i cud see the panel .. but right at the bottom of the page

SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP said...

Hahaha...U would do good if you were faced with a situation like the bar girls, like u have no job...U know just wht to do....:) Havent seen u signing off on my bizare thoughts of late..Pak gaye kya?

IdeaSmith said...

Lol Iyer, that was the wittiest thing I've read since this week began! U absolutely rock, machan!

Anonymous said...

Hey Iyer.....
I dont ever comment on any blogs but MAN O MAN...that was HILARIOUS...:-)
I cant wait to come back and hang out with ma brothers

PALS

Demi Goddezz said...

IyerJi:Haardik pranaam...
Hmm my thoughts about the matter is so mingled with livelihoods,entertaintment and what not...

But the poem rocks... was hillarious to the core ...

APOO said...

Fuck! Iyer, u have done the unthinkable. U made Pals comment. Hail Iyer! Mighty Iyer! Hail Iyer!

iyer education said...

*god bless you all*
paro: nobody can beat you online... you are the king... but wait till i meet you this weekend... i will beat you up ;)

scribblez: i can do mee-mee-cry if i am rendered jobless... ask abhi and he will tell you how i wimp and cry... and i keep reading your posts... you have just posted one... i am still finding out reasons to why milk is costlier than petrol and once i find that i will comment... tum questions hi itne difficult put forward karti ho :)

idea: i thought apoo's salmon kababs were wittier... i think they were hilarious... i wont like to comment on the taste :)... am pretty happy to know that i (am a) rock :)

pals: iskcon, deepak chopra and "wats up my brother" all in one person is how ya brothers put you to be... need to meet you personally and check that out :)

winny: i told you, the shayari would not be as good as yours... but being liked by the shayar itself is a good sign of me getting there :)

apoo: i thought i did the unthinkable by having tullee sessions with bird last night... and you come up with one more... guess this is the "do the unthinkable" week for me :)

*hope you are alive*

Demi Goddezz said...

iyer:ur getting there..slowly but surely to shayarosphere...then again u got Pals to comment.. Man I should second Apoo..

KJ said...

rumpy that was HILARIOUS...:-)

the poem was rocking!!!!

too good

:-)

iyer education said...

winnyji: with ur aashirwaad i will surely get there... and when you will look for me for guru dakshina, i promise you that i wont be around ;)

kj: thanks... the poem / kavita / shayari is all because of blessings of winnyji

Demi Goddezz said...

Oh my Good lord..Iyer is so Modest hehhehe....

U better be there to give my dakhisna.. Else ill haunt u down and curse U .. and al u do in ur entire life will be singing and writing Shayari ..and the only person who will listen would be Bird....hahah IM EVIL ..

Bird said...

Main kya kiya...? Why should I suffer if Iyer doesnt pay up?

iyer education said...

winny: i am broke to pay up for gurudakshina... so the conditions are pretty clear upfront... i am not going to pay up... and dont threaten me or bird... what you just said abt me reciting shers and bird listening to them is already happening and in some time abhi will join us too... so we keep punishing each other this way :)

bird: chup baith aur agla sher sun ;)

Bird said...

Iyer tu sher bol, Bindaas bol,...I now understand what winny is trying to do. Hum Winny ki chaal kamiyaab nahin hone denge.
Tujhe chahiye to, I'll record it & play it in the bus everyday...if nothing else i'll atleast get to sit.

Demi Goddezz said...

OMG OMG?... Yeh lo All i was asking was for guru dakshina and u guys are accusing me of chaal baazi..Sob Sob..

Weise Iyerji.. u are my first official Student(Not including the 120 I already have ) .. tho Please Bindaas Sher Bol.. I think Abs Is the only one who will get pakaoed and may be u might get some OTRRRRS ... So all is well that ends well...

Bird :U are the official Sher listener and critic.. Isliye ..

Anonymous said...

BIRD: BHAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
I have a terrific suggestion :-)
I think you should start sharing iyers share in the BUS everyday..:-)
U know just stand up(that is if ur luck enough to get a seat ) and then start iyers sher/shayari/..etc.
Its interesting to think what would happen if you would try that...think about it dude..:-)
By the way a hello to all you folks...i must say ur comments on this and other blogs makes for some really interesting reading:-)

PALS

Demi Goddezz said...

Pals:Uh Oh now u dont want that ..But first things first ... Hello My Name is .. blah blah... more blah .. Anyways its nice to know that u are keeping an eye on everyone..Cheers to more rain...

iyer education said...

pals & winny: you have great ideas... and my sher being put to some good use... surely is a good thing...there is atleast some utility to my futile shers... bird will atleast get a seat in the bus and that will allow him 2 hours to read about dalai lama :)

Demi Goddezz said...

True True.. The more Bird Reads the More the script writing editing and whatnot becomes better,, Yeh Tho meine socha hi nahi...

Next time I come to India and I get on a crowded bus(Now thats been a long time)
Ill sing all Iyer shayaris..

Come to think of it .. I could use it during rush hour on the subways here..does it matter people wont understand?

Lord of all Things said...

kya ji.. template change kar diyey tumaa?? main yehij lagati sochi thi thodey dino pehele .. achha hua.. nahi lagayi...!
Kya to bhi aaj-kal sab logaa template changaa karrey..
me off now..! enough of commenting in alien blogs:D(fer now!)

iyer education said...

LOAT: waah bhai... tume to hyderabadi potti nikli bhai... ye faaltoo mein template tumaare blog mein nako... ye faaltoo template idharich raine do... tum ekdamich khoobsoorat template apne blog pe lagana ji :)

Bird said...

I think i'll just be the Critic, script writing sounds like work.

hey pals, you owe me one e-book. Re-send the book you'd sent earlier.

W.R.T. Iyer's sher, too risky to try out in a bus full of people carrying tiffin & breifcases.

iyer education said...

bird: you dont know the power of my shayari...
it will soften every briefcase...
it will cool every foodcase(tiffin)...
it will provide you with a base(seat)...
if you think you need some space

Lord of all Things said...

haha!! kya ji tumhari shayari hamari shayari ki barabari bhi nahi karsakti... so much fer the rhyming here u go--
and the bow!!
" U have nothing to worry,
or to be sorry,
solution is,
take ur keys,
go to the pub,
where goes 'sab',
also.take a ladka,
and buy urself some vodka!!"
-*displays signs of modesty on hearing that loud cheering from junta!*

iyer education said...

LOAT: ham to shayar hai hi nahi... shayar to winny hai... barabari karni hai to unse kijiye... aur waise bhi i am for vodka and not ladka...

not too much PUB culture in Mumbai... we have what we call "tullee sessions"... you can join us for one of them if you like

nice poetry though :)

Demi Goddezz said...

Iyer:Dhammal man.. Im soooo proud of u..hheheh

Bird:ur right .. U dont want to be smelling of idli sambhar vada and all when u get to office.

Bird&Pals:What sorts of books are these .. send me one too..dont have time to go to the library nowadays ..

Lord of all Things said...

"Rumpel!! bhai .. that is wonly for rhyming sake !" dun take it so personally.. and as fer tulee sessions or pubs... never been to any.. yeh ull be like omg whata loser..!! what to do.. blame it on company i guess!!
Thangu fer invitation anyway will drop by fer some ABSOLUT VODKA if u can afford it:D

iyer education said...

LOAT: i dont take anything seriously... unless some lady (except my real and cousin sisters) calling me bhai... those things i take VERY VERY PERSONALLY... and what is ABSOLUT VODKA... the only thing that you get at tullee sessions are cheap toddy and desi daru... pls do have it at your own risk... :)

Lord of all Things said...

arey mere baap!!! bhai boley to mumbai wala bhai type...i have enuff relations now dun wanna add off more !! bhang wud be fine:D
any diwali sessions in progress aa??

Anonymous said...

BIRD:Oops im sorry yaar...i completely forgot about that...will send it to ya NOW!!!
By the way please try reciting those shayaris in the bus...and then write a blog about what happened..:-) ha ha ha
demi goddezz:Hey there...nice to meet ya...:-) yeah its kinda interesting keeping track of all of ya...its fun reading ...I checked your blog out too...my god..lot of shayaris...and what not...too complex for a zimpal Maind(sounding like a malayali..)like me..oh yeah..by the way i made my peace with the rain gods...im not in anyways involved in the recent rainstorms..and the name of thebook is As a Man thinketh...by james allen...really powerful stuff...
RUMPEL:dude...your talent for shayaris is just amazing...HAIL RUMPEL....i am your pankha now..:-)

Bye the ways...HAPPY DIWALI to all the readers...:-)I MISS BOMBAY AND MY BUDDIES A LOT...:-(
CHEERS
PALS

iyer education said...

LOAT: bhang would do just fine... thanks for reminding me abt the third drink available at the tullee session... diwali sessions would be today, depending upon availability of members... there is quorums ka funda in the tullee sessions too ;)

PALS: u2 sound like a true malayali... i really want to meet ur UNGLE AND AUNDY who stay in the GELF... and the ebook that u guys are talkin abt, if it is either the playboy or the pirelli calendar, please do send a copy to me too ;)

happy diwali post comin up... will wish everyone there :)

Anonymous said...

RUMPY: :-)dhammal....Im suar you guys will have a Lat af fuun :-)
I wish i was there...:-(
neways ENJOY..and yeah trust me ...i dont think u'l wanna read this ebook :-))

pals