Friday, September 02, 2005

Planet of the Appas

Disclaimer: This has got nothing to do with The Bridge’s Post or Abhi’s Post over money and monkey matters. This also has nothing to do with the movie title which sounded similar.

This post is about a prediction… a great one for that matter. It is combined prediction by the great “Unnikrishnan Sridharan Menon Thamburattil” (from Eranakulam) & “Subramanian Krishnamoorthy Varadarajan Iyengar” (from Madras). Someday this prediction is going to come true… and its just not me to believe this… this prediction has been constantly shown on Asianet and SUN TV so much so that, they have stopped showing weather predictions and started focusing on these predictions. This is what the prediction is all about…

Someday in the year of 2015, in the month of August (generally known as “Karkadakam” or “Aadi” in Kerala and Madras, and in that order), there is going to be an attack on earth from a different planet. The attackers belong would belong to the planet of “Dravidzoid” (nothing to do with the name of a similar sounding cricketer). Actually these attackers are Dravidians that have gone and long back settled in a different planet, when they were driven by the Aryans, so this one is going to be an equalizer (1-1). And the only people who will be spared will be the ones wearing white “veshtis” or “mundus” (commonly known as “lungi”) or “pattu” sarees. And hence, the survivors of this mass destruction would be essentially people from Madras & Kerala.

(This post is for the ones who wont be alive on that day to see all this happening… and I am taking this opportunity to wish all of you in advance… “May Your Soul Rest In Peace”)

There would be no geographical boundaries to this place, just one planet in its entirety… and for the sakes of simplification; it will be called “Planet Of The Appas”. The real name of this planet could either be “Chambakkullam” (suggestion from mallus) or “Thirunalvelli” (suggestion from madrasis), depending upon who gets political mileage and superiority, but then that is not yet decided. And then, the “Appas” take over the dilapidated planet and convert it as per their whims and fancies.

But then, what is the fun if there are no “other” survivors (who have been underground) to see this planet. Yes there would be a select few people from other castes and races to be tortured by all the “Appas”, in the following ways and forms. (for simplification purposes, the “other” survivors have been referred to as “they” in the rest of the post)

Food… (which then would be termed as “Saapad” or “Meals”)

They, who used to feast on dishes like “Tandoori Chicken”, “Chicken Crispy” (Bird, this one is for you), “Pitzas” (this is how westerners pronounce it, I guess) and loads of other cuisines, now will have to help themselves with “Sambar”, “Avial”, “Rasam” (gravy) and not to forget the staple diet, the all pervasive, “Rice”, which would be again available in various flavors like “Puliyodarai” (Tamarind Rice) and the evergreen favourite “Tair Saadam” (Curd Rice). Lijjat Papads will be replaced by “Appalams”, “Vadaams” and “Karvadaams”.

Morning breakfast would have “Idli”, “Dosai” (its Dosai and not Dosa), “Chutney”, “Molagaa Podi” (Masala Powder) etc. No tea or any other form of hot beverages will be served, and will be replaced by the famous “filter kaapi” (sorry apoo, no more StarBucks…)

The only sweet dish (its not dessert... its sweet dish) available would be “payasam” (idea: did you anytime mention that you like payasam?) and would be available in all different flavours.

(All of the above stated dishes will contain coconut, whether they like it or not)


Dressing & Clothing

If anyone has seen “The Island”, you would then get a rough idea of how the dress code of “The Planet of Appas” is going to be. Pure white… For men its pure white shirt, pure white “veshti” or “mundu” and for women it is going to be pure white “pattu” sarees and blouses… No comments has yet been made on undergarments. The predictors, it seems don’t have “X-Ray” vision to figure that out ;)

General Health

All streams of medicine would cease to exist, except the one, the sole survivor, the world famous “Kottakyal Arya Vaidyashaala” (KAV). No more allopathy or homeopathy or unani or whatever, it is just going to be “KAV”. If you don’t have an idea of what I am talking about, a person visiting “KAV” would end up with a prescription list that looks something like this…

  • “Gandhakarajarasaayanam”
  • “Mahaathiktakamkashaayam”
  • “Maanibhadramlegyam”
  • “Gorochanadigudiga”
  • “Kaaishoregulguloo”

And lots of other medicines, which I cant pronounce. God bless them with at least the names of the medicines if not the effects.

Other General Stuff

The only format of music that people will hear will be the “YumBeeThree” format. All other formats are either extinct or not supported.

Move away Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, SRK etc (if they are alive then), and move in “Rajnikaanth”, “Mohanlal”, “Mammooty”, “Jayaram”, “Sharath Kumar” etc… Take it or leave it (all movies are by default tax free)

There wont be any gods or religions either… some of the actors listed above already have temples at some places, those guys would be gods and those places, the most sacred and religious places.

Move over GNR, Metallica and all other singers and Move in “KJ Yesudas”, “SP Balasubramanian”, “Chitra”… they are compelled to listen to them… and no more hindustaani or any other form of music… just plain and simple “Carnatic

The word “Money” would be used to denote time (Yetra Mani = What is the Time?). And currency will be termed as “Kaasu”. I hope they can accept the difference between the former “Money” and the latter “Money

Sabarimalai”, “Pazhanimalai” and “Tirumalai” will be tourist spots and hill station getaways. But then getting there would be difficult, if they can’t pronounce either of them properly.

No alcohol… only “elaneer” (coconut water). If some of them are alcoholics, then they are going to suffer a lot. (if you are going to be one of them, start stocking some, right away… rum tastes great with “elaneer”)


I just can’t keep going like this, trying to explain how the poor souls would be tormented. This could get grotesque, hence decided to stop here (abruptly), but then I guess you kind of got the picture of how things would be… so decide today itself… and if you are not yet dead after reading this post… try and do humanity a favor… kill yourself… or even better… kill the author…

adios…

7 comments:

deepak jeswal said...

LOL..another good one!

abhi said...

Based on popular belief and law of averages, a Neo will be born (again, predictions by the Oracle, DB2, SQL server will be eminent here). Neo will break all barriers set by the Appas and restore the world back to its previosuly chaotic and destructive mode.

The sequels to follow will be hereby termed as "Madras" (i promise to make a script here). Followed by Apoo's script, "Madras - Reloaded" and then Bird with "Madras - Revolutions" OR simblee "Chennai - Back to Reality"

On the post .. hilarious bhai .. although Iyeree, if someone finds out that u missed prefixing "Superstar" in front of Rajnikaanth ... you could be tried in the Appa court of Laa

APOO said...

Why did I read that as "planet of the Apoo's"?

I like Abhi's theory. Madras & Madras - Reloaded should be fun... but I aint sure about Madras - Revolutions becuase of the script writer.

Hilarious post Iyer! Can you do one on what would happen if Bird becomes president of India or a mass cloning of Bird takes place?

IdeaSmith said...

Lol...da man does it again! I was laughing all through this post, despite the people around shooting strange looks at me.

Sounds like you've had an attack of the southie fever...and given us all a good laugh in the process. I notice you've studiously avoided the Great South-Indian Software dream issue, though....what's South India without IT???

KJ said...

almost read as planet of APPAMS....

lol!!! cool look & gr8 post

have a nice day

Bird said...

I'd like to try out Rum & Rasam.

TheBridge...On The Other Side said...

kaachu kaachunnu kaachitte...ok ok don't boil over, i didn't mean that you are now a Kaapi-vala.

u really pack a punch when it comes to story-telling...my offer is still open, lets make a movie - we got enuff 'mallus', 'pattars', 'pattus' (and pattu-maamis) and lungis.

note to Bird
Rum & Rasam may be too lethal a combination - you will never be able to hold on the lungi after that...your thermometer, ooops, i mean your temperature will shoot up.