Friday, September 09, 2005

Hollywood Hunch

Here the word ‘hunch’ is not same as the ‘hunch-back of Notre-dame’. Hunch here for all purposes of understanding is “intuition

  • The same intuition that I get when I watch Hollywood movies.
  • The same intuition that the characters in the movie have as the story unfolds.
  • The same intuition that you will be having, (that you should not have read this post) after you read this post.

Enough of ripping apart Bollywood movies. Now its time to go global, to start ripping Hollywood movies. I am not too much of an English movie buff. One of the main reasons for that is my limited understanding of their language.

And I still don’t believe the fact that “Indians utter more words per minute than Americans or Britishers”. I mean how do you want me to believe that. I can understand every word of what “Rajnikanth” says in English, but the same doesn’t apply to “Tom Hanks” (you have to accept that it is a fair comparison, superstar to superstar). If Indians speak more words per minute then how do you explain “Scatman” & “Eminem”? huh huh… tell tell…

Anyhoo… coming back to the topic, English is something that I never could understand in totality. Again there are other languages like Java, that I couldn’t understand as well, but Java is not as widely accepted as English, is it? My vocabulary in English was always restricted to the signboards behind trucks and rickshaws that read “Horn, OK Please”… but then I grew up and my English vocabulary got better, not better enough to see or understand English movies…

The language barrier wasn’t too much of a problem in the beginning. The movies that I started off watching (around my 10th Std) had more of “body language” than English language (eg Basic Instinct, Strip Tease, Specialist etc). So, English movies weren’t too much of an issue then. But the problems started off later (no no no no, not the problems related to day dreaming about Sharon Stone or Demi Moore). When I started watching a wide range of English movies (porn movies excluded… they are language independent). I had a wide range of doubts that kept me away from watching English movies… other than the language barrier of course…

I feel Hollywood has some typical things to its movies. Very much like our own Bollywood. But since the movies are made on large scale and too much spent on the special effects, people don’t question them… but I do… I sincerely do… one because I am an ardent Bollywood fan… two because i am an ardenter Bollywood fan...

So if these firangs can write off our Bollywood movies calling them stupid and lot of other words that mean the same, I can do the same to them… I will list down certain things that are so very typical of Hollywood movies and things like those have kept me from watching them… If anyone finds them interesting you are welcome… and if they don’t and on the contrary find the author stupid… the close window button is on the top right…

The Shining CD / Disk
This is the most visual aspect of any movie. The data that is “super secret” is always stored on a diskette that shines brighter than the purest of pure diamonds. I could never understand why… why the data can’t be on a normal CD / DVD, placed in side a normal CD / DVD cover. Why can’t it be stored in the hard-disk? Why can’t it be on an email on someone’s inbox? But as always… the “super secret” data will be on a shiny CD / Disk with a transparent cover and what more, it will be the “only shining disk” in the entire office / house where it is meant to be…


Firang Agencies – Our Saviour

This is one thing I just cannot digest… I just cannot understand… why do these firangs have to put themselves into trouble (by making the movie… he he) and then some godforsaken agency will save not just them, but the entire world… they save the world from militants, aliens, hurricanes, tornadoes, monsters and a lot of other ghastly things available… Did anyone ask for any kind of help from them? On a lighter note, they have not done anything about one threat who is sitting right among them (the one in the “Safed Ghar”)


Maayavi Firangs

Lot of these firang movies have the heroes putting up masks like they are putting facial packs, change voices like they are mimics of the best order and a lot of other things that is outside my scope of understanding. I don’t know how do they manage all these things… but if the same is done on either “ramayan” or “mahabharat”, we do have a reason to crib about these maayavis. But the firangs can carry it out very gracefully, and give some scientific crap of an explanation to those things, I wonder how?


Firang Mithuns…

If “Sir Mithun Da” does something amazing here, we have to keep making fun of it all along, but these firangs are like 100 times more unbelievable than our own “Sir Mithun Da”. How can they survive car crashes, have gadgets that shoot bullets (to villains) and chocolates (to girlfriends) and condoms (to themselves) all from the same nozzle, climb buildings bare footed, make horses and bikes jump over one building to another etc… I just wonder if Newton was alive today, he would reframe gravity after seeing these movies… but the bottom line is, I still like “Sir Mithun Da

Computer Quick-Fix
If somebody could actually mend / program / hack / find and a lot of other operations that take place on the computer, at the speed at which these guys do, they would be the richest employees on planet earth today… These guys work at lightening speed… faster than phantom drawing the gun from his pocket… or mandrake casting a spell… I wish if I could have worked at that speed, it would have taken approximately 12 seconds for me to type this post…


These were just some innocent observations / doubts that I have regarding Hollywood movies. I don’t intend to pass any judgment here… that’s because my judgment has already been passed… its in favor of Bollywood movies… however stupid they are… but they are fun… and I understand them… much more than I can understand these firangs… but not all Hollywood movies are bad… but then if I didn’t have doubts… then I wouldn’t have this post… which in turn would have been good for humanity…

adios…

PS1: you should have trusted your instinct / hunch and should have not read this post…

PS2: next time onwards, learn to trust your instinct… it will always guide you to the right place

8 comments:

abhi said...

your choice of movies have always been poor miss polka ... be it english or hindi ... wake up and smell the air now ... but then we (rest of the world) wud all that our judgement

watch theatre for a change

abhi said...

typo..
"wud call that our judgement.."

Unabashed Bollywood fan said...

*TAAALIYAAAN!!!!* Finally someone says it like it is! Down with 'eeengleesss movies only' snobbery!

IdeaSmith said...

What's "Miss Polka" by the way?

iyer education said...

abhi: i want you to take your statement BACK... right now...

i never have seen a movie of my choice... atleast since i have started english movies... it has always been you booking tickets for us... the whole gang... so think again...

on second thoughts... i am missing you very badly man... nobody books tickets here.. :( ... jaldi ghar aaa jaao bhaiya :)

iyer education said...

idea: english was never my mug of beer (or was it cup of tea)... i have always been comfortable with hindi :)

KJ said...

i agree with unabashed Bollywood fan.

good post.

have a nice day

TheBridge...On The Other Side said...

...how come u keep suggesting which 'english' books to read? am i to understand u understand written english more than spoken english? not that americans actually speak english, properly. come to think of it even the english don't speak english properly.

btw what was this post all about...i enjoyed it so much i forgot.

psst...i too like hindi/indian movies.