Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Last of The Parodies

One more parody on my thoughts about blogging, this time in hindi, a tribute to Mr Sunil Dutt.

Are hai..La la la la la la la la la la la la la lah..
Hmmm he hee

Mere saamne waale browser mein
Ek blog ka window rehta hai
Afsos ye hai ke ye sab blogs
Kyun realtime nahi rehta hai

Mere saamne waale browser mein
Ek blog ka window rehta hai

Jis roz se dekha hai usko
Ham mail check karna bhool gaye
Naye posts ke liye baithe hain
Aur Khaana, Dhona bhool gaye
Ab whole day is computer pe
Bas IE aur Mozilla rehta hai

Mere saamne waale browser mein
Ek blog ka window rehta hai


Backstreet Blogs

As Long As You Blogroll Me Baby!!!

Although ICQ's always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' the chat thats a craze
People say I'm crazy and that I am psyched
Risking the chat for a page
And how you got me hooked is still a mystery
I can't get the blog out of my head
Don't care what is posted in your treasury
As long as you're readin' this

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you blogroll me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you blogroll me

I've tried deletin' so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into the (trash can) icon
What you did and where you're comin from
I don't care, as long as you blogroll me, baby

I don't care who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
What you did

As long as you blogroll me
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
Don't care what you did (yeah)
As long as you blogroll me baby


Friday, May 27, 2005

My Family – My Most Valuable Asset

I know what everyone’s gotta say about this. Iyer has gone “senti” again. But this is a post that I am writing from the bottom of my heart and this post is dedicated to the most powerful force in my life. My family. Everyone (friends, foes, near and dear ones, well wishers) in my life has a contribution towards my success, but my family has been one force that I would like to reckon with for my success and my well being and this one is dedicated to them. Let me introduce u guys to them.

Warning: All characters in this post are real and bear amazing resemblances with someone living in this world (that’s my family).

Amma i.e. Maata i.e. Mother: I would always be an amma’s son and this is my amma. The world’s sweetest amma that I have ever come across. Actually I haven’t come across anyone else who I can call amma and hence my amma is the sweetest. She is dhammal when it comes to having fun and is at her worst when you cross ways with her. She is the person who always motivates me negatively. She always thinks of worst case scenarios and is tensed about it and that helps me tremendously to make sure that I have covered myself up to take care of them. She would always call me a “failure” a “vagabond” when I quit my job to take up further studies. But now I realize that all that she had done was prepare me mentally so that I wont be a failure in life. I hope I have stood upto her expectations of success and failure. My amma loves madraasi operas and wont miss a single episode of some of them. She would even forget that I am her son during some amazingly ham episodes. But once the crap show is done with, she is back at doing what she does the best, serving the family selflessly. I have always been amazed by the way she has lived her life. A working mom during day and a house-wife when at home. All the duties and responsibilities completely taken care of by her. Its amazing to see her all energetic even at this age of 56. I just laav her and I would do just about anything for her. Oh by the way she keeps taunting me everyday over the no of ciggies I smoke :) and I love to dodge those taunts :)

Appa i.e. Pita i.e. Father: My Appa is one of a kind dad. He is hilarious, moody, disciplined and every other adjective for “character”. Someday I would like to be like him. Simple and straightforward. But it’s the most difficult thing to do. I try my level best but I just cant get even close to being where my dad has been. He is a very religious man and religiously does pooja everyday. He asks me to do it and I again dodge that request (I hope someday I would do it for him… anything to make him happy). Oh by the way he is an amazing badminton player. He is 59 and he can still make me run to all corners of the court in a game of badminton. My bapu is a complete water baby and loves the sight of rivers, seas, pools etc. (this is something where I level upto him). Sadly my father never could make as much money as other ambitious fathers did, but he always was respected for what he was and that is something that I have to learn big time from him. He is the best cook that I have ever come across. Don’t believe me, come down to my place sometime and I will ask him to prepare “aviyal”(mallu speciality) or “payasam”(kheer) and you would believe me then. All in all hats off to my dad for being such a strong force and an idol for me to get inspired from.

Tangai i.e. Behen i.e. Sister: She is my step mom. If there is someone who tortures me to the core at home, its her. I always have had a special bonding with her, as kids we were alone at the house when parents used to go out to work and I loved the fights with her, doing ghar ka kaam (translated: home work) and fighting again with her. Now she has grown up to be my mom. She keeps taunting me for not studying, not taking things seriously, watching wrestling and every other thing that pisses her off. But again she has been phenomenal in trying to discipline me to a certain extent, but I guess all her efforts are a big failure. Oh by the way she was the one who told everyone in the house that I smoke so I have to settle that bill someday.

I don’t know what I would have done without them. I would surely had been a vagabond then. I don’t know how to repay for everything that they have done to me. I guess the question of repaying arises when you can value something. This brings me to another predicament, how do I value what they have done for me. Money would be the cheapest denominator. Is there any tool available on the Internet that can value what our parents have done for us. If so please forward me the link to that.

I have heard a lot of crap about someone being independent and lots of other stuff like that, but let us ask ourselves, “are we really independent?”… or rather “were we really independent?”… I am sure most of the times the answer is going to be NO. Then I guess we should do something for our parents to make them happy and make them feel proud of ourselves.

All suggestions are welcome… and the
early bird gets the worm :)

My Computer -> Right Click -> Properties

In search of posts was I (Yoda Style), and looked across the length and the breadth of my cabin to find something funny and crappy to write about. I just hoped that I had a mirror so that I could look into it and write zillions of lines of crap about my reflection (that’s me), but then you cant get everything that you want, you see. So I looked again in this spooky place and finally came across something that was right in front of me for the last week. My stand by computer (its not computer in stand by state). Let me right click on it and discuss its properties with you :)

It’s a PIII 550 Mhz machine with 256 MB RAM running Windows 98. the monitor looks pretty decent and stands 14” tall (finally someone who is shorter than me). The cabinet was supposed to be white but now its yellow (probably has jaundice).

Okay now comes the best part, this is the reason why Prince Of Wales Museum (in Mumbai, this is for people who never knew this place existed) is after me for the last week, asking me to sell my cabinet to them for a huge amount. It has got a 5 ¼ floppy drive with a manual lock. Reminds me of the old days when I used to play some stupid games at a neighbor’s place with a 5 ¼ floppy disk. Now this cabinet doesn’t have a CD Rom Drive, but I suspect that the 5 ¼ floppy drive must be a camouflaged CD Drive. My Job for the day is to find out if it actually is a CD Drive.

The functioning of the CPU is very very “transparent”. Its normal floppy slots and the cd drive slots are open and I can actually see it working (and hear it working too). Sometimes when I click at the wrong places where I am not supposed to (this has got nothing to do with clicking on porn sites), it makes a sound that reminds me of the “Jet Pack” sound in “Dangerous Dave” and I get nauseatic ( oh sorry nostalgic).

It also has super powers to understand what softwares have been loaded and what effect those softwares have on the devices. Ya it does that, the guy who put this comp up for me quotes “Since your machine has Norton Antivirus, the mouse drivers have to be re-installed every time the system boots”. Pretty logical huh! Norton Antivirus must have probably found a virus in the mouse driver (or probably found the plague virus in the mouse itself) and hence the mouse virus or whatever has to be quarantined and then re-installed again. (ralph: is this an example of augmented reality?)

Thanks to the wonderful invention of computers, I have mine right now. I will miss this lil beauty when I get a replacement. I will miss the “Jet Pack” and the "5 ¼ floppy drive" big time. Let god give me the strength so that I don’t break down when I have to part ways with this lil beauty :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Jo Bole So "National"

Recently there were bomb blasts at 2 theatres in Delhi when they were screening “Jo Bole So Nihaal”. The reason, this movie and its name was allegedly bringing disrespect to the Sikhs and their religion. So what did they do, use a bomb and injure 100’s of people and killed a couple (I suppose this act was allowed). One woman from Delhi had to say that the protagonist was shown to have sex and drink alcohol and Sikhs don’t do that in real life (pretty funny huh! I guess they still believe in the bugs and bees story).

Same things happen with other religions, lyrics have to be changed because the lyrics of an item number contain name of a Muslim god (Aatish). (The god never felt bad about it, why are people feeling bad about it.)

Names of the main characters, who are lesbians are to be changed because there cannot be lesbians in Hindu Religion named Radha and Sita. Women cannot act in movies with baldheads. (I guess you can have porn stars named Yudhisthir and Arjun, but you can’t have this… it’s a strict no no!!!)

Shahrukh lifts his little finger for peeing and points at the church and creates a stir in the Christian religion. (It’s a god damn joke… take it and leave it… why carry it too far… that too out of the toilet into the court-room)

How Lame!!! All of this is utter crap; it’s a case of things being taken too far. Religion is way too sacrosanct for things like these to affect it. One can’t do anything to a religion just by having names, lyrics and all other forms of verbal and non-verbal communication. Religion is way too pure to do that. It is religion that guides us in our lives, but I guess evolution of human being has taken things too far and right now we are the ones that are guiding religion to wherever we want it to be.

I have a strong feeling that India has a set of “Fundamentalists” in every religion be it Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, Christians or whoever. The job description of these fundamentalists is to make wrong inferences of quotes quoted in the religious books and brain wash people’s minds with these wrong inferences. These “fundamentalists” should be exiled, banished and worst come worst should be executed.

We are living in a world that is divided as per nations and not religions. Its thus but natural that nationality over-rides any other thing in this world. Country comes before anything else. For the rest of the world India is one whole and not broken down into various religions. It is an Indian who is ruling the roost in almost every sector of the world and not any “Hindu or Muslim”. But if this is the case why do we still pick up petty fights over religions and what would be the impact of these fights on our economic and social environment. All these raise a lot of questions in my mind:

- Is it because of the lack of this nationality spirit in us that India still happens to be developing and not developed?

- Are we fighting for which god / religion is right instead of fighting for what is right?
- Do these fundamentalists drive India? Is there no unity amongst people?
- Don’t people think and act rationally when they are brain washed by these jerks?

I don’t have answers to any of them and I don’t know if I am ever going to find them or not. But there is one thing for sure, as long as I am an Indian, “The Indian” precedes all of my other identities of Hindu -> Brahmin -> South Indian. I will always be an Indian and for all other identification reasons (if applicable) will I be the rest of them.

This reminds me of the pledge that we used to take in school. This pledge will always remind us that we are Indians, and we should always act like one.


India is my country; all Indians are my brothers and sisters.

I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage. I shall always strive to be worthy of it.

I shall give my parents, teachers and all elders respect and treat every one with courtesy.

To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion. In their well-being and prosperity alone lies my happiness.

Jo Bole So “National” & Jai Hind

Saturday, May 21, 2005


What happens when 4 people, 3 of whom are high on Imperial Blue (IB) and one is high on Fresh Lime Soda (FLS) get together? In most of the cases they come up with an excellent business plan that exploits the opportunities of the current business environment and tackles the threats present there (Does SWOT Analysis ring any bell here?)

Lets get to know this team of 4 constructively destructive people (in descending order of their height)

Ralph aka Abhijit (IB)
Bird aka Priyadarshan (IB)
Tyre aka Alap (IB)
Enclydus aka Arun

Now let us look at the current business environment:

Aviation industry in India has been opened to the private sector. This has resulted in a lot of people from foreigners to booze kings (and sons) to get into this industry. So this is one of the most lucrative businesses to be in right now.

Dance bars all across Maharashtra have closed down by the cultural cops. This has created a wide spread unrest among dance bar regulars and a wave of unemployment among the bar girls and bouncers

So what do you get when you combine the above business conditions prevailing in Maharashtra. That opportunity is called “DARJAN ATLANTIC”. A world class aviation company that believes in customer focus and customer satisfaction all the way.

Now the important question why “Darjan Atlantic”. This name has been INSPIRED from the hindi movie “Chaandni Bar” where the bar girl goes “DARJAN AAKE CHALE GAYE KAAHE KA VIRGIN” (which when translated means “Been screwed more than 12 times. How can one be a virgin then”). (And this has got nothing to do with the firang guy who came down to India and was dying to meet Aishwarya Rai)

Vision & Mission
To provide world class air travel facilities along with “ENTERTAINMENT” of the highest order.

The Plan
Darjan Atlantic is going to operate domestic flights within all the class A, B, C, D towns in India. The planes are going to be leased and are going to be the Boeing 747’s. We will have the entire lot of displaced bar girls for airhostesses and they will provide you with excellent “entertainment”. The bouncers will be given training on flying, flight pursing and throwing people out in case some body misbehaves (they don’t need to be trained on the last one, they are born with those capabilities)

On detailed analysis we have planned that we would have only two seats (popularly known as WINDOW SEATS) one each on the left and right side, instead of the normal 3 on each side. This will leave a lot of “floor space” in the flight which can be then used for “pure entertainment”.

This is the pilot project plan. The detailed cost outlay for the same will be provided on demand. Venture capitalists can consider this post as a business plan and can contact us through comments. We would then get into negotiations regarding outlay etc etc.

Darjan Atlantic has already hired one of the most capable talents from the industry for its key positions. They are:
Bird – VP Finance
Ralphie – VP Technology
Tyre – VP Marketing
Enclydus – VP Toiletries

Oh by the way! We also supply airlines for all illegal purposes like striking trees, buses, mountains, bulls, bird nests etc. High rises and Defense houses are not yet on the list but we will get them shortly :)

3 cheers for all the 4 guys :)

Friday, May 20, 2005

Bollywood Calling !!!

Ralphie, this one is completely ripped from your blog (Movie Crossovers), the only difference being that this is a rip-off on our own Bollywood Movies. So here goes a list of nothing :)

Hero No 420: Raj Kapoor finding his grand daughter (karishma) flirting with Govinda and then begins the FAMILY DRAMA.

Hare Karan Hare Arjun: Dev Anand goes in search of his father (he is still young you see). The suspect fathers: Shahrukh (Arjun) or Salman (Karan)

Mother Hindustani: Nargis, the mother of Aamir Khan struggles to get him a taxi and finally punctures the tyres of the same cab she gifted him.

Satya Ki Company: Satya, Bhikhu and Ajay take over the whole world and put it under (I mean underworld). Even Microsoft is smaller than this company

Satte Pe Cheetah: Seven brothers Vs Mithun Da: fighting for glory and girlfriends.

Deewar Ki Bhi Aankhen Hoti Hai: Psycho (Big B) hires 3 blind guys to steal luggage from a Coolie (Big B Again)

Kaho Na Kaamchor Hai: Roshan Father and Son fighting out for the ultimate position of a lazy-bum.

Ali Baba Aur Charlie’s Angels: Dharam Paji lured by Drew, Cameron and Lucy Liu with GSM Technology (Khulja SIM SIM)

Khiladi No 403: Akshay Kumar does breath-taking stunts in a “ghoda gaadi”, (popularly known as Victoria in Mumbai)

Sholay Aur Shabnam: Thakur Hires Bade Miya and Chote Miya to molest Gabbar.

Dilwale Julie Le Jaayenge: Shahrukh loves Kajol in a farm and ends up taking Neha Dhupia (prostitute) back to London for her sex appeal and nudity.

Dil To Rangeela Hai: Aamir sells black tickets of Shahrukh’s (MAYA) shows and ends up wooing all the women.

Gol Angoor Maal: Utpal Dutt ends up with 2 qty of Amol Palekar, Sanjeev Kumar and Deven Varma each.

Mission Mil Gaya: Hrithik meets up his old friend(Jaadoo) in Kashmir as foes… and what happens next is mind-boggling!!!

Mr & Mrs India: An invisible couple stuck up in riots in kashmir created by the world famous Mogambo.

Pati, Patni Aur Ajnabee: Story of a husband, wife and wife swapping :)

will add more later... adios

Blog Complex

Okay let me confess that for the last couple of days all I have been doing is to check blogs of lots of people. Someones are hilarious, some are thought provoking, some are out of this world and some are just bland(that’s me).

And I am suffering from this thing called the BLOG COMPLEX. This is the new addition to the already set of complexes which are as follows:

© Hint Use BODMAS to open the brackets

All I could figure out from there was that my blogs are way too simple (that’s a complete reflection of me). Other people have blogs that are so wonderfully written and it almost sounds poetic when you start reading them. Mine actually sounds like you are reading a ticket that you just purchased from Churchgate Station. Some of the reasons of this blog complex are as follows (again excuses)

Blogs are allowed only in English. Blogs should be allowed in Hindi, Marathi, Tamil, Malayalam, Swahili and Zulu languages. (I failed to mention the most important language “JAVA”). I guess then I can be funny :)

I should be able to hand-write blogs. My handwriting in this font is very legible and readable. This should not be the case. Look at my answer papers that I have been hand writing all the time, I get good marks there. (Just because the profs cant make anything)

Regional Gaali Galoch (that is bad words and slang) is not allowed in blogs. Had this been the case, my blogs would be full of Bh#$%#$#@, Ch#$#$%, La#$#$#$ etc, each of which add a punch… a knock out punch

I generally don’t access the web (after all the web is the internet) when I am drunk. That is the time when I am at my creative best. (Confirm that with Abhi and Bird and Alap). So I guess I should be more writing my blogs when I am in the drunk state

I learnt English from Rapidex English Speaking Course in 30 days. Anybody who wants to learn English should keep away from this book or else you would end up writing blogs like mine. Try some of the books available from India Book House they are good :).

But all said and done whats there is there, so like it or not I will keep writing my blogs in the same manner. I am the world’s Best “WORST BLOG WRITER” and I will continue to be one :)

One more thing; please add some comments to it, or else I will have to comment on my posts again in the same language (as prescribed in Rapidex)

PS: Rapidex is not to be confused with Iodex. You cannot learn English from Iodex

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

3 Kg Wajan Ab Har Mahine Hai Ghatana !!!

Okay guys, I have stolen this line from the surf ad which goes “2 Bucket Paani Ab Rozana Hai Bachana” and for the ones who don’t know what does “3 kg wajan…” stand for: It means “I have to lose/burn 3 kgs (6 lbs) of flab every month”. Yes guys, I have become a health freak (okay I already was a freak... now I just added health to it)

Yes peopull (that’s people in Malayalam), that’s my new short-term goal (every body should have a self goal: I scored mine in an inter-school match). Lose 3 kgs(6 lbs) every month until I am my normal weight (I have highlighted this part because one of my friends told me that if I keep losing 3 kgs every month I will be dead in 2 yrs i.e. 72/3 = 24 months). I am overweight by around 12 kgs(24 lbs) and this exercise will take around 4 months :)

Anyways, the plan for losing 3 kgs(6 lbs) every month is as follows

1. Strict diet control (no bahar ka khana and oily & fatty food not allowed)
2. Walking and jogging 45 mins everyday
3. No booze
4. Drinking 2 – 3 liters of water a day

This plan doesn’t seem too taxing except for the booze thing, but I guess people wont mind if I have fresh lime soda to accompany them. If paro can have bacardi breezer then I have the right to have a fresh lime soda :) (what say abhi and bird)

I have been successfully implementing this for the last 3 days so it’s a new record in the “GUINESS BOOK OF ARUN RECORDS”. Yes this book has exclusive records of arun iyer and this feat adds to it. I don’t seem to be any different but I am beginning to feel different. I can’t say if this feeling is healthy or unhealthy but whatever it is, it sure feels like hunger :)

So that’s with the plan, if anyone wants to join me, please let me know well in advance so that I can have enough time to counsel you and mentally prepare you for this weight losing drill :) (oh by the way jogging and walking is fun… especially when u get to ogle at all good looking gals in the joggers park)

*Conversion Factors Used: 1 Month = 30 Days :: 1 kg = 2lbs(approx) :: 1 Day = 24 Hrs

My New Office (With Old People)

This is my first week anniversary at my new office. Its been one whole week since I have started working here. Actually its 2 whole years when I was off work doing my MBA. So getting used to the older days of work will probably take some time. I haven’t yet got over the habit of sleeping in the afternoon, one thing that I constantly did during my last semester. This thing doesn’t just get off me, I am still sleepy as I write this post, but nevertheless there are no excuses for being lazy and having no excuses is the only excuse I can make for being lazy :)

Anyways, before I discuss my first week at work, rather the first week of the second innings of my work, let me give you a brief background of my first innings i.e. the place where I used to work earlier.

It was eOP (please don’t ask the full form… people have given all sorts of name to it… and if anyone needs it, it will be provided on demand). Three years of hard-core work and yet I enjoyed it only because of one reason. We were all one family at eOP. No managers, no VP’s, no Executives etc. all were part of one family and the work culture out there was so informal and fantastic that we would spend 3 continuous days in office and not even feel exhausted. Such were the days… then we all had to part from eOP. I parted for pursuing further studies, to so called re-educate myself and move from technology to more of a techno-functional background. And so I did my MBA for 2 years.

Now that I am back in the office space, the new place that I work for is a complete and exact opposite of what eOP was. This place is full of oldies and believe me oldies with a lot of attitude. This is a 50 year old company and the legend still continues. There is no trace of IT in here, and that is what I am exactly supposed to be doing… study the business processes, suggest a solution and implement the same.

This is a profile that I like and I always wanted this kind of profile but it is the people here that’s a challenge for me. I am the youngest one out here and the problem here is that people here are respected for seniority and not ability. In any case this is a much bigger challenge and it involves changing the attitude of these people towards IT and me (in the same order of importance), which makes this profile even more interesting. All that I have learnt about “Managing People” will be put to the acid test (or alkaline test or whatever).

I have a 1940’s made PC with a 5 ¼ floppy drive (oh it is PIII and 256 MB RAM) to be precise, but I don’t have a problem. I used to have a high end computer earlier at eOP, but yet I am happy because my profile currently doesn’t need a XEON processor machine. I may or may not get a laptop… I don’t care about that because for the last seven days I have been enjoying whatever I am doing.

I am sure that I will make a difference here regardless of how much time it takes for me to do that. One week, one month, one year or whatever. I am sure that by the time I leave this place people will have a different attitude towards computer and me (again in the same order of importance) and if I am able to do that, I would consider it an achievement :)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Fight For (W)Right... This has nothing to do with cricket :)

I guess by the time this article is published on my blog, abhi, alap and paro must have had the same thing on their blogs as well... but i thought i might as well add it to my blog and keep it as a memory... let me give you the backdrop of the situation before i start off with the story... Its me, abhi, alap and paro on a drive to marine lines in paro's car... and then...

At SV Road Khar, a taxi taking a reverse on the wrong side hits a bike and the rider and the co-passenger falls on the road... one of them almost came under paro's car... luckily nothing happened to any of them... Then the taxi driver instead of looking at what went wrong, flees from the scene and alap and paro decide to teach the cabbie guy a lesson and there begins the pursuit...

The cabbie driver drives like a maverick and paro is also upto the mark and follows that car all the way to bandra station... en route... we decide to lower the glasses of the car and shreik and paro's glasses get soggy and paro cant see a single thing... but still manages to steer the car to safety... finally we reach bandra station and find some traffic where the cab slows down...

Alap gets off the car and runs towards the cab and bangs on the dicky of the cab... the cabbie guy is frightened to the core and starts driving even more crazily and takes up the wrong side of the road and almost hits alap and then misses a crash with a bus and another guy walkin on the road... then the guy breaks the light and goes towards mahim and we had lost him... almost... It was a chase that we generally see on cops serials in tv... was one helluva rocker :)

Then we continue our journey towards marine drive when we see the cab parked near bandra masjid... the cabbie guy is with the cops and he managed to make up a story to them stating that he was being chased and hence driving rash... then we (alap, abhi and paro... completely should get the credit) to teach the guy a lesson to have acted in such a way...

By the time we turn around a long road and get back... the guys who got hit were there and didnt want to take any action against the cab driver as nothing had happened to them, but alap and abhi and paro were hell bent on teaching the cab driver a lesson and wanted to lodge a complaint against him... they eventually persuaded the guys on the bike to take action against him and eventually land up at khar police station to lodge a complaint...

The cops then asked us to give a statement and leave, and asked the guys on the bike to take over... whatever happened next, i dont know and i dont even want to know... but what i learnt from the incident and especially from these three guys (alap, abhi and paro) is that most people (like me :-[) dont take things too seriously and leave out cases where justice is needed... fighting for justice is our RIGHT and we should do everthing in our control to ensure justice prevails... One will get justice only when one persistently seeks for it... you just cant sit around and see all wrongs happening and do nothing about it... you have to fight for the right :)... thanks guys that was a great lesson :)

Kudos to all three guys :)