Friday, December 30, 2005

happy new iyer postlude - Osama Makes Bird Curry

I had promised everyone (actually anyone) around here, in the last post, that there would be one last post for this year before I make my trip to shabarimala and enjoy my new year’s eve en-route to that place. So before you go through the rigmarole of reading this post, let me wish you all “A Happy and a Prosperous New Year 2006”. I had to do this right in the beginning because I don’t trust you guys to read this till the very end… quite normal behavior that is expected out of rational individuals that you guys are.

The time between Christmas and New Year is full of surprises isn’t it? All sorts of surprises…

· Someone from your family surprises the kids by putting gifts in socks and stockings

· You get all sorts of new stuff for new year’s eve in your office right from planners, calendars, diaries etc (and you act surprised like you never expected to receive them)

· You get stood up by your girl-friend for the new year’s bash (and you are pleasantly surprised and can spend some good time on the terrace having tullee sessions with your friends)

So you get a rough idea about the kind of surprises that you can expect, most of them being pleasant. But the one that I am going to talk about happens to be a hideous-gory-happy kind of surprise. Now you would ask me how can be something be hideous, gory and at the same time be happy. There is a good explanation to it. The “surpriser” (also known as Osama) and the “surprisee” (better known as Bird) were both hideous. The audience was gory. And finally, the venue was “Happy”. Yes the same happy restorent, that is in talks with JP Morgan to buy out “Burj Al Arab” in an all cash deal and call it “Burjee Al Arab”. So I guess, by now, you must have got the link between the post and the title (unlike a lot of other of my posts where the post has got nothing to do with the title). Read ahead for details.

Osama decided to come down to Mumbai long time back (I don’t know how long) and decided to surprise Bird. All along he had kept Bird under the impression that he couldn’t make it this year due to problems at his workplace (I think he must have talked about problems in his personal life too… his marriage being called on and off… but that’s between Osama and Bird). Few other people (read Abhi, Alap, Paras) knew about this. I got to know about this plan only on Monday. So I am not exactly the hand-in-glove. You can term me as the nail-of-the-little-finger-in-glove. Anyways, coming back to the topic, Osama had to surprise Bird and there could be no better place than Bird’s own “Home Ground” (cricket parlance), Happy.

Osama lands in Mumbai on 29th morning (midnight to be precise) on some gujju filled flight. Abhi takes a day off on 29th and spends time with Osama making funny placards for Bird. They also plan up the visual effects of the surprise meeting that need to be captured on Video and Photographs. And so the day is spent that way (also I know very less of what went on between them). I leave the office early in the evening and hop-skip-jump (that is the simple way of telling how gruelsome my travel experience was in Mumbai local trains) way to Abhi’s place. Bird is set up for an early (by his standards) arrival at Happy. I meet Osama at Abhi’s place with the formal Hi’s and What’s up Dude’s. (Osama is pretty surprised to see me fully dressed instead of Phantom Chadds ad Baniyaan, but that is not of any importance here). In the meanwhile Alap calls up and decides to be part of the hideous-gory-happy surprise which then makes it hideous-gorier-happy surprise. And the code is decided. Abhi would call up Osama and say “mereko late hoyega”, translated “I’ll be late”, and that would be “THE SIGNAL”. Finally me, Abhi and Alap go to Happy and take our seats leaving one seat for the Bird, the one in which Bird’s back is strategically facing the entrance.

Bah, the Mumbai traffic. We had to go through an almost endless wait for Bird at Happy. Abhi was ready with the handy cam and Alap with the Digicam and I was ready with a cutting in my hand. Bird comes in and is surprised by the availability of shooting material at happy (I am sure he must be thinking that abhi and alap were planning to make a porn movie starring me and bird). But his mind was quickly taken off by the three of us making some poor excuses on the lines of “We got the handy cam to format the discs so that we can take it to matheran” (those guys were really going to matheran the next day. So it sounded pretty natural. Then abhi gradually makes the call to Osama and utters the three magical words Osama was dying to listen… “MEREKO LATE HOYEGA”… As soon as the phone is kept down, the cameras are taking position, wide angle alright, focus alright, close up alright etc etc. Alap looks at the digicam like he is cleaning up the digicam from inside.

10 minutes later, Osama walks in with his “beautiful-and-handsome-and-upcoming-moviestar” aide. The cameras begin to roll. Bird is sipping his thumbs up unaware that he is being caught on spy tv… sting operation to be precise. Osama then places the placards on Bird’s head without Bird’s knowledge and gives some candid pose to the camera. At this point everyone of the audience is laughing their balls of… except… except BIRD. Osama then places the placards right in front of bird, for bird to relish them and more importantly, for him to understand why the others were laughing so loudly (at this moment let me tell you that I couldn’t understand some of the writings on the placards as they were written in English). One placard after the other (just like they change bus numbers and destinations on BEST buses). I think the placards were very interesting and humorous too, that’s why Bird never thought of looking back at who was placing them for him. He kept reading them and enjoying every moment of reading those placards.

Bird then slowly turns his head around (I guess if there were more placards, bird would have kept reading them and enjoying them, but since we ran out of placards bird had to slowly turn his head around) to look at who was moving those placards for him. And LO… there stands osama with his “beautiful-and-handsome-and-upcoming-moviestar” aide. I couldn’t look at bird’s face or his expressions then, but he looked at Osama and looked back at the camera and back at Osama for atleast 3 times. I think it was some kind of secret “pakshi ritual”. Anyways, then there was the eternal hug and what followed was even more dhammal. Bird looks at Osama once more and gives this “flabbergonfused” look. As you might have rightly guessed it, bird was flabbergasted and confused all at the same time. And this look kept put on his face for the rest of the night. Atleast till the time I bid adeu to all of them and progressed towards my journey back home.

The reason for the flabbergonfused look could have been because:

1. Bird never expected this and didn’t know how to react or
2. Bird never expected this and didn’t know how to react or
3. Bird never expected this and didn’t know how to react

We still are investigating, which of the above reasons could have been applicable for bird’s reaction. Will let you know once the post-mortem is done. But then, all in all, it was fun. It was a great master plan on behalf of Osama (who is used to making such destructive master plans) and also very good of him to decide and surprise his old nanguy buddy Bird.

If you have read the entire post, and come to this line, “Happy New Year 2006” to you again.

Till then… adios…

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

happy new iyer - the prelude

So what does this new iyer has in store for this Iyer. Hmmm, all sorts of weird resolutions is what I think. First things first; I am not here for new iyer. I would be on my way to sabarimala. So I am on a pilgrimage and I would try and purify all my sins out there. Actually, I will have to adopt atleast 7 religions to clean up my sins, but that’s another post. So as soon as I come back from sabarimala, I will be doing something for the iyer community in the coming iyer. It is pending for a very long time. I haven’t done anything for my community. Hey I just realized, I haven’t done anything for anyone. But then, I guess its ok. I WILL do something for my community. Let me try and explain things / initiatives that I will do / take for my community.

Disclaimer: I am joking. So all you iyer papas and iyer mamas and iyer brothers of my prospective bride, please don’t look down upon me and consider me a reject because of this post. I still love you guys and more so your daughter and would like to take this relationship forward.

· Firstly, everything on Iyerospace will go the iPOD way (and it begins now). Branding as they call it. Every accessory related to iPOD sounds like ‘i{something}’; for eg. iRiver, iHear, iSwear, iYer (okay all of them are made up… but I guess you got the idea…). I will try and use as many iyer’s as possible in all my posts in trying to make up a complete brand for myself and if possible for the rest of the Iyer community, though they would prefer to disown me. But I am like ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’, the gull who is outcasted and after attaining new heights, comes back and spreads the knowledge to the same community that outcasted him. Do you see any resemblances between me and Jonathan? (Oh please don’t draw any similarities between the seagull and Bird. Bird has got something else to attend to… birdie, don’t think too much… your favorite character “Madness” is married and “Viji” has given you taang… so I guess it will be another couple of days [or years or decades or centuries] before you find your soul-mate)

· I will consolidate all the Iyers existing in India (and some abroad) and form a union and call it “Indian Iyer Force”. This will consolidate the Iyer strength in the world. As the old Babylonian adage goes “United we go Iyer, divided we go lower”, this force will scale new heights and capture new widths and take the Iyers to an even Iyer level. And trust me; the Scottish will be amazed at the number of skirts that would be on display (on the people of course) when we take out a morcha, peaceful that is ;)

· I am sick and tired of listening to all radio stations here in India. None of songs that we Iyer(hear) on these stations are good for the Iyers Iyers(ears). They constantly play hindi songs (not that I don’t like them) but continuously listening to kumar sanu would not be good for any community. So I am going to have one new radio station and call it “All Iyer Radio” and have the songs of MS Subbalakshmi, SP Balasubramaniam, Sudha Raghunathan, U Srinivasan, Yesudas play all day long… and that too without any RJ’s or advertisements. The songs on this station would be like nectar to our Iyers (ears).

· All naughty and horny Iyers (both men and women) will be separated from the rest of the lot (for the betterment of others re baba) and will be kept in solitary confinement (solitary from the rest of the world, but they will be together as a bunch. Or else how do we get more naughty and horny iyers… and the test tube method is a very bad idea) and we legalize this confinement and call it “Hindustan Iyeronaughties Ltd”. Once this will be formed, I will be writing all my posts from there. And all of you are welcome to visit me, but don’t cross the visitor room lines. It could get dangerous :O

After the good things, obviously, the bad things. Don’t think this is Iyer’s last post for this year. Eh eh, it isn’t going to go that way. I think I will have enough ideas or atleast muster up enough courage to write just one post before leaving for sabarimala. With that confidence, I will wish you guys a happy and a prosperous new year in that post. Consider this to be just the prelude of things to come and if you care for your health, don’t visit here again ;)

Till then… adios…

PS: If you still haven’t got it, I have tried to use “Iyer” as a multi-faceted word just like the multi-faceted character that I am ;)

Friday, December 23, 2005

Dubi Dubi Dub Dub…

The title of this post happens to be a song sung by Aditya Narayan, son of the great singer Udit Narayan for a movie called Masoom (happens to be the debut of music director Anand Raaj Anand and he’s done a good job with it) released a couple of years ago, but this post has nothing to do with the song or the movie or the music director or anything else related to it. (Just the right kind of pakaoo beginning I expected)… Now lets get back to the topic… shall we?

India is a volume driven market. Almost everybody knows it. It is one of the most lucrative markets existing in the world. Companies are longing to sell their products / services in India. So what happened after the Liberalization-Privatization-Globalization, most commonly referred to as the “Opening up of the Indian Economy” is history. Companies, MNC’s, and every other term used in the corporate lingo decided to give a shot at the Indian market. I mean who wouldn’t like to have exposure to a 100 Crore (ideally speaking) customers.

Everyone came here and adapted to the market here. Some of them called it “Localisation” whilst the others decided to have a global aim with a local flavor and called it “Glocalisation”. Ah!, these terms and terminologies and all varieties of jargons. Every company had an Indian flavor to it. Some of them did well and some just plainly bombed. One of the things that bombed, and that too like, the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki is the fillum industry. Read ahead to know…

So what do we typically get served, when we plan out to go for a movie. Hmmm… the menu card goes like this

  • Hollywood Film (English)
  • Bollywood Film (Hindi)
  • T/Kollywood Film (Tamil / Telugu / Kannada Film)
  • Any other language Film (with or without subtitles)

And finally, this-not-so-new-but-not-so-old-either concept of “Dubbed Films”. I believe these are the most pathetic of the lot. Trust me they are. Films are dubbed in Hindi / Tamil / Telugu (mainly) only to get a large audience. To make money. Okay agreed that you want to make money and all that. But look at what you guys are doing to the movie and in-effect to the brains of the people watching it. Here we mainly talk about dubbed Hindi films. The other languages are still alien to me. So what is it that makes me believe that Hindi dubbed films are the pathetic of the lot? Here we go!!!

Firstly, if you keenly notice (you don’t have to watch the entire movie to get this… just the trailer is enough), the kind of Hindi that they use for dubbing and the kind of Hindi that you normally find in Bollywood movies have zameen-aasmaan-ka-farak. This dubbed Hindi dialogues sound like they come straight from the mouth of Ashutosh-Rana-meet-Rajpal-Yadav-meet-Shail-Chaturvedi. People who have heard about any of them know that their Hindi is the “Shuddh & Spastha” types Hindi which is literally extinct. And to expect a viewer to understand it would be equal to asking Mallika Sherawat to talk about Bangladesh cricket history. Let me substantiate it with a personal example of mine. It was this toon-show called Swat Kats in Hindi and the hindi dialogue goes “Gurutvaakarshan Shakti ke kaaran ham gir rahe hai”… It took me 1 full day to realize that T-Bone(the character) was talking about “gravitational force”. Pardon us poor souls.

Secondly, the dialogues are changed to suit the local audience and the local settings (yes that is in C:\Documents & Settings\Administrator… but wait… that’s a hidden folder… okay just pakaoing with some techno yuck…). This doesn’t 1. gel with the situation on the original movie and 2. Sounds pathetically silly. Let me try and give you an example, the Hindi version of Speed-I had Keanu Reaves saying “Hey Bhagwaan” in the lift whereas the actual movie has him saying “Oh F#$%”. Now that is great translation. Coming back to the cartoon example I have, and believe me, I HAVE actually seen Popeye singing “Pardesi Pardesi Jaana Nahi” (from Raja Hindustani) to Olive Oil on an excursion… and I said to myself… Oh @#$%$@#@$@#@# @#$ @#@#@$#@# @#@$@$@$ … (censored hai…)

Thirdly, the dubbed versions of these movies have incredibly incredible yet hilariously funny names. The names include the name of the movie itself and at the same time the name of the leading protagonist / character of the movie. And the best part is that the title kills the essence of the movie. Imagine this, in the cartoon series “The Mask”, in the Hindi version, the original lead Stanley Ipkiss is called “Sachin Sabnis”, Metallikats from Swat-Kats are called “Dhaatui Bille”. I just cannot resist laughing at some of these names. Cliffhanger in Hindi was called “Shikharputra”, Mask in hindi was called “Zero se Hero”, HP and the Goblet of Fire was called “HP Aur Aag Ka Pyaala”. After seeing (actually going through) all this, I am just thankful that there were no Hindi dubbings of “Shawshank Redemption” and “Apocalypse Now”. I just wonder what their desi counterparts would have been…

Okay point made or not made, you have to decide for yourself. But let me make my stand clear. I am not one of those guys who shudder at the thought of using Hindi and neither am I pro-angrezi. I love Hindi, I love it much better than probably English and find it most comfortable to speak to and understand and communicate. But Hindi, which is original is fully acceptable. Hindi that is only a sound over some firang (or any other desi) guy trying to lip-sync is pathetic… it seriously kills the essence of the entire thing. So please stop making dubbed movies / cartoons and not to mention those stupidly created hindi makeovers of Tele-Shopping Videos. The last ones are the most pathetic to watch. If you want to make money try some other form / source. There are enough avenues to mint a lot of money. Please do not kill the essence of something in trying to make money…

This is all that I had to say in those long and unwanted and non-meaningful paras(this is not you). If you don’t believe what I am telling, watch cartoon network for one full day (actually even half an hour would do) and you will understand and go through the same torturous dubbed version of things and come back to me saying “I do Agree”. Till then… adios…

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


This time, Iyer does time travelling, lets say 10-15 years in the past and looks at those days and cherishes those days or lets say cherishes one aspect of those days… advertisements-cum-jingles-cum-funny-one-liners from those days… hmpf… *jaane kahan gaye wo din*

This post by Yum n Yum talks about how old friends remind her of old songs old songs that are like old friends. (Okay I am very pathetic at trying to express ideas, regardless of whether they are my own or otherwise… so I would suggest you read this post… she writes fabulously). This made me think, can old friends remind me of old jingles? Everybody who has seen television or listened to radio will appreciate the fact that the older jingles were dhammal.

Think about it, the old jingles played on TV’s and radios were so much fun. They were actually hilarious. We look back on those days and we can’t resist laughing at the kind of ads we were subjected to as compared to these days. But weren’t those ads a part and parcel of our daily dose of entertainment. Didn’t we enjoy them as deliciously as we are enjoying, seeing babes in bikinis trying to sell apple juice (that seriously is a very pathetic combination and what is worse is the fact that its surrogate advertising and what is being sold is not even apple juice). But that apart, however bad / unexposed we think media was in those days, I still think nobody beats the jingles of the olden days. They are just, as a malayalee would like to call it, FANDASTICK…

Imagine you meeting an old and unkept friend of yours who is still as shabbily dressed as ever and his clothes look like they haven’t been washed since the last time you met him… and bam… the all-time-radio-hit-jingle (you shuddav been an avid listener of Vividh Bharati to get the tune of this jingle) hits your head and it starts playing this…

Ye dher se kapde, mein kaise dhoun… acha saboon kaunsa laoon…
Kapdon ko jo… ujala bana de… umra badha de… chamak laa de…
Koi bata de… mujhko koi bata de…

Imagine, you meeting a prankster lil friend of yours, whom you are meeting after like 25 years. He / she were the partner in crime for all your pranks and… poof… the famous bajaj jingle starts playing automatically…

Jab mein chota ladka (ladki) tha… Badi sharaarat karta tha...
Meri Chori Pakdi jaati… Jab roshan hota bajaj...
Ab mein bilkul boodha hoon… goli khaakar jeeta hoon…
Lekin aaj bhi ghar ke andar… Jab roshan hota bajaj…

Some old time friend of yours is not keeping well and had to be admitted to the hospital. (There is an unsaid rule that applies to visitors of hospitals. All have to give advice… solicited or unsolicited… whatever… when you visit a sick patient you have to give advice). Then, imagine you start advising your friend somewhat like this…

Tandurusti ki raksha karta hai lifebuoy…
Lifebuoy hai jahaan tandurusti hai wahaan…

Aaah… you find your long-time-gone girl on whom you had a crush and she actually succeeded in crushing your crush. Now she’s walking with her 5 yr old kid and the kid comes to you and says “Mamaji” and you say to yourself “Saala… baap banne chala tha… bana diya mama”. And you look at her and you just cannot take your eyes off her glowingly beautiful skin and your dil goes… (not hmmm hmmm hmmm re)

Vicco Turmeric… nahi cosmetic… Vicco Turmeri aayurvedic cream…
Keel muhaason ko jad se mitaaye… haldi chandan ke gun isme samaaye…
Tvacha ki raksha kare antiseptic cream… Vicco Turmeric aayurvedic cream…

She talks to you and you, the charmer that you are, make her smile and then laugh… and you admire her million dollar smile till date and you go (please note that this is the continuation to the previous ad… two different jingles in one ad)

Vajradanti Vajradanti Vicco Vajradanti… Vicco Powder Vicco Paste…
Aayurvedic jadi-butiyon se bana sampoorna swadeshi… Vicco Vajradanti…

Oh those days… those days were so wonderful… right from the nirma-wala-aye-babuji ad to the surf-wali-lalitaji-aur-unka-dimaag wala ad to the mazhar-khan-scoring-goal-and-bathing wala lifebouy ad to the kay-jhaala-baal-radat-hota-woodwards-gripe-water ad … And the shorties of ek-anek and tree-of-unity are just unforgettable. I know this sounds clich├ęd but ‘those were the days of the jingles’ yaar. This post is just a tribute to the genre of ads and jingles that would hardly appear in the future (unless of course you guys want to believe in the history repeats itself story and expect such ads to return). These ads will be buried forever… not in the archives of some old dilapidated buildings but in the hearts of a lot of people… and that itself is an ode to them :)


PS: When bird/alap/abhi/paro pakao me (individually or collectively), I sing this jingle to myself (the keyword here is pakao… or pakaya)… this one happens to be one of my all-time favs. This gives me guaranteed results and they don’t pakao me further.

Ek naariyal ped se toota… girte hi woh beech se phoota
Sek saak kar use pakaya… khoob kurr-kurra use banaya
Britannia coconut crunchies…

Friday, December 16, 2005

Another one bites the dust!!!

FINALLY… let me say that again, that too in CAPS LOCK… FINALLY, my dearest buddy got married on 15th Dec 2005. Let me remember that date again, so that I may not sin by forgetting to wish him on that day and gain his wrath, that too in such prolific English that I don’t understand and I keep feeling like he is praising me. Hence, 15th Dec 2005 is one unforgettable date for me.

I won’t say much about his marriage coz it was meant to be a hush-hush affair. But there is one thing after marriage, called “Suhaag Raat” translated as… okay I don’t know the English equivalent of “Suhaag Raat”, so let us, for practical reasons call it “First Night” of marriage, which is supposed to be special. It was then planned to gate-crash this special night of the just married couple. At this juncture, let me plead innocence for the fact that the plan to gatecrash was not made by me, but by this cruel friend of mine. (Do not go by his smart looks or innocent expressions… he is one CRUEL fellow… he he he…)

So here I was waiting for the bride and the groom to arrive at a lush five star hotel near town, which coincidentally is much closer to my office. So after waiting for approximately 4 hours (okay I am not trying to portray anything goody goody about myself, but believe me, this was worth the wait) which consisted of having unlimited coffees and equally number of leaks taken, I finally met the couple. I could hardly believe my eyes, he was actually married. And I was very happy for him. Happy is an understatement, I was very very happy for him. And then followed the cruel friend and paras. For some strange reason, the cruel friend decided to keep his sunglasses on at 10:00 in the night, but what the heck, he was looking SMART… he is… but please don’t go by his looks… he is CRUEL… :)

And after the formalities of checking in, we go to the suite on the 32nd floor. Now I have been high a lot of times (mainly after drinking daroo), but this time around, I was really high… you know what I mean… really really high. So we get into the room, well furnished, lighted, nice ambience et al. The groom then gives us one stern warning “tumlog sab idhar 11:00 baje tak kalti hona mangta hai” translated “leave this place before 11.00 PM and leave us alone”. Let me tell you, we haven’t taken him very seriously at a lot of occasions and we decided that let this be another addition to those occasions ;)… he he… just kiddin yaar…

Then, like a group of archeologists, we check the place out… The cruel friend checks the bar, the groom (for obvious reasons) checks the bed, the pillows et al, paras checks the furniture and I had been left with nothing but the toilet… so in all good spirits I checked out the toilet… okay lets be more decent and call it bathroom… and what a royal thing it was. I kept checking it again and again and again and kept telling myself that if I couldn’t afford a suite, I sure would collect enough funds to hire a five star toilet… that too with a bath-tub.

Enter the beautifully grotesque “Baangdu” and he came with “stock”, which in general terms is “daroo” or “alcohol”, but poor fellow forgot to bring soft-drinks to go along with the daroo and did he get a bashing or what, for this act of his.

Then we were joined by “spiderman buddeeeeeeeeeeeeee” guy… Seriously, you should look at him saying buddeee (its not buddy) he looks like spiderman climbing a wall with one hand and releasing an invisible web with the other and we were laughing on the fact that he arrived via the door instead of climbing the whole building up using his webbed arms and legs.

But all was soon forgotten and there was a traditional cake cutting (now I cant stop laughing here as I am writing this thinking what the hell is so traditional about 7-8 people cutting cake at someone else’s suhaag raat).

Then followed a spate of poor jokes that made us laugh our guts out. I guess it has got something to do with the groom’s abilities to inspire all of us to come up with poor jokes like these and these. Let me give a quote a few of those here…

(We are waiting ice to go with daroo and softdrinks and the ice needs to be ordered from room service)

Groom: Bride, just call up and order room-service (now what the hell is “order room service”)
Everyone: bruhahahahahahahaha
Me: I think, tereko PSRS ho raha hai… he he
Groom: What is PSRS?
Me: Pre-Suhaag-Raat-Syndrome… he he
Everyone: hahahahaha

(We have one round of drinks and I accompany them with 2 glasses of water and the groom orders for 2 additional coke’s… the waiter comes with the stuff and gives the bill to the groom)

Groom: Holy f@#k!!! 2 Cokes… 240 bucks… I can’t believe this
Me: Poora vasool kar… Coke ko spoon se dheere dheere pee…
Everyone: One blank look and the other instant… gaaahahahahahahahaha

And finally, we decide to have dinner at around 11:30 pm and we decide to leave the place. Me, paras and Baangdu decide to leave for our houses without joining them for dinner. Cruel Friend and Spiderman Buddeeeeee Guy decide to join them for dinner and leave after that (though I cannot say with conviction if Cruel Friend stuck to his idea of gate crashing and staying all night with the couple) and on the way there was one final PJ between me and Paras.

Me: Paras, agar ye Bride Groom Wapas aayega aur “Do Not Disturb” ka board bahar laga diya to ye log andar nahi jaayega kya? (and there is quite laughter between me and paras which was a sort of gesture of respect for each other’s PJ’s)

All said and done, I would remember last night for two reasons… one because my buddy got married and second because I saw the best bathroom of my life in that suite… I was very very happy for him… I still am… and I wish the most sporting married couple… cmon guys… give it to them… they allowed 6 guys to gate crash their “Suhaag Raat” and I salute them for their sportiveness. Finally, I would pray that they have a happy and a prosperous married life ahead of them and god bless them with all the happiness and prosperity required throughout their life.


PS: God, if you are reading this, please stop the Cruel Friend from slapping me (he would like to call it obliterating me from the face of this earth) once he reads this.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Kaun Banega Crorepati – Tritiya

Following the humongous success of KBC-I and KBC-II, the producers have decided to come up with yet another edition of the hindi version of “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”. This one, for chronological reasons, will be called Kaun Banega Crorepati – Tritiya (This one is going to be sponsored by Miss K because her numerologist told her that this name would add up to 1, which would be the eventual TRP ratings for the serial and also she has paid additional royalty as the name of the serial begins with ‘K’)

There are certain things that are different with KBC-III (as they would like to call it pyaar se). first and foremost, the Big B, due to prolonged illness (Accept it yaar, a little tummy pain for the Big B is prolonged illness for the media and time for people to send SMS wishes and in-turn a chance for all media channels to mint some money) would not be providing his services as the host of the show. This time around, they host is going to be the all dashing, the all superstar, the pillar of the mallu film industry, Mohanlal (I forgot to add the prefix superstar, but he is very forgiving and forgive me in spite of me committing a heinous offence)

Insider sources from Iyerospace, have come up with hot and spicy news regarding KBC-III and they have stated that there were a spate of incidences at KBC – III, that called for cancellation of shoots and in turn cancellation of episodes and in turn “almost” cancellation of the show even before it started. After demanding and finally accepting profuse apologies, the channel and the promise to burn down the tapes of the episode, has STAR decided to go ahead with the show. As per the last news, the recorded tapes were confiscated by STAR… until… until a group of dare-devil journalists from Iyerospace laid their hands on these tapes and found the following grotesque videos…

Disclaimer: Some of the description of what was seen on the tapes would create graphic (read gory) images in your mind. So if you have such images / symptoms, please stop reading immediately and consult for family doctor / family psychic / family fortune cookie seller to erase those images from your head.

Note: Mohanlal (ML) reads with a million pauses in between and stress at all un-necessary places.

ML: Abs saare, Aabka phahela sawhaal, ek hhzhaar rubaiye ke liye, ab ye rahya…

Abhi: Define sawaal? Define Pehla?

ML: Err… ende amme… aabke options ab ye rahe… a… b… c… d…

Abhi: Define A, Define B, Define C, Define D… and where is “case else”?

ML: Arey bhaiyaaa… tum kya define define karda hai… we are back to sqwayar one…

Abhi: What do you mean by square one? Is it the square of one or the square root of one?

ML: Idhar sawaal mein boochega, tum sawaal mat boocho… tum jawaab do…

Abhi: Define sawaal? Define Jawaab? Define Poocho?

ML: (slapping and beating himself wildly) Arey combuter… isko lyock mat karew… arey body guards… isko lyock karew… isko lege jaao… mein pag gaya…

ML: Aalyaab saare, das hhazaar rubaiye ke liye, aabka sawaal, ab ye rahya…

Alap: What is the framework of the question and what is the mobility index of the same?

ML: huh?

Alap: I mean what is the rank of the polymorphic distributive justice of options available?

ML: Arey bhaiyaa… ye kya bol rahe ho…

Alap: The point is, that the angle of levitation of the question should not reduce the chances of the probability of the right answer thereby making it difficult to deduce!!!

ML: Aalyaab, what laangwage is this? This doesn’t sound like Malayalam…

Alap: You stupid indisciplined bitch… I will bitch-slap you all the way till eranakulam and cut your balls and stick it on your forehead…

ML: arey bhaiyaaaa, qyostin to poochne do…

Alap: First answer this and then go ahead with asking the question baanc@#d...

ML: Cut karew, abhi cut karew nahi tho mein thiruvananthapuram jaa raha hoon…

ML: Bird saare, aabka naam aisa kaisa hai?

Bird: Blame happy restorent for that… its third grade… the tea sucks…

ML: Bird saare, aabka agla sawaal, yek karewd ke liye, ab ye raha…(options a/b/c/d)

Bird: I have the answer in my PDA, but I cannot use it… my PDA doesn’t have Alt+Tab

ML: To aab lifeline yuse karna chahenge? Eg hi lifeline hai aabke paas… flib!!!

Bird: Saala lifeline change kar sakta hai aur mera PDA mein document change nahi kar sakta hai… saala waste hai ye PDA… aur apoo bhi waste hai… abhi tak cover nahi bheja…

ML: To aab kyuut karna chahenge?

Bird: What more shall I quit re ML… I quit smoking, I quit Viji and now here… no I wont quit…

ML: To kya karna chahenge aab?

Bird: I will live and not answer and yet not be responsible for whatever happens on this show… I am the last hope for humanity (with new shoes)

ML: Koi isko lege jaao yaar… mein bak gaya iska bakaoogiri sunke… koi isko leke jaao…

ML: Aaj hamaare saath baithe hai Mr Baro… u have got lauuuuly hair…

Paro: Thank you… I use three different types of shampoo (all washable) all at the same time…

ML: Yand a nice shirt too…

Paro: Yes it is the same shirt, which I had worn for a photo-shoot for mid-day…

ML: Baroji, Aabka agla sawaal, baanch hazaar ke liye, ab ye raha…

Paro: Sawaal paanch hazaar ka hai ya prize money paanch hazaar ka? Confuse mat kar!!!

ML: Sawry, price mani baanch hazaar ka hai…

(and the question is asked and paro answers)

ML: To ye final jawaab hai, lock kar diya jaaye?

Paro: Abe aye, chu bana raha hai kya? Lock kaise karega, tere paas key kidhar hai?

ML: Ye idhar ka terminology hai…

Paro: To tu kya idhar ka terminator hai?

ML: Bakao mat merego…

Paro: Achal bol, tera monitor washable hai ki nahi?

ML: Washable, why?

Paro: I have washable keyboard, washable mouse, washable CPU, now all I need is a washable monitor and I will own one full washable set… hehe…

ML: Isgo idhar se baahar nigaalo… nahi to mein baagal ho jaayega!!!

Our sources tell us that superstar Mohanlal is suffering serious brain hemorrhage and is being treated for in ayurveda, allopathy and homeopathy all at the same time because just one faculty of medicines doesn’t have a cure for his state of affairs. Miss K has a hand written apology sent to STAR and superstar Mohanlal and both have agreed to continue with the show. Both the channel and Miss K have sent a writ petition directly to the supreme court and charged these guys of being responsible for loss of their mental imbalance.


Update: Iyer was also there on KBC III, and is claimed to have won two crores… which would be graciously used for out of court settlement with Miss K and STAR.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Random Thoughts...

At this juncture, writing another post has become one tedious affair. It is more difficult than Saurav Ganguly trying to make make a comeback in the Indian Team. I guess sometimes it may be much easier for Saurav to make a comeback rather than me waiting for another post to appear on this blog. The idea just doesnt strike. Am i suffering from what they call a writer's blog (or was it block... whatever). The glowing bulbs are just do not seem to appear above my head. But in any case, let me make some random (read useless) thoughts (RT's) in our daily lives. It may be of hardly any use to anyone so if you are looking for quality reading, read wikipedia.

RT1: Bengali men should be bald.This is for the betterment of all the bengali men (and in some way or form, women also). Bengali men should be genetically bald. They should not have a strand of hair on their head. If they do, its not good for them (read: their organs). Ask me how? Okay dont bother, let me just tell you... Imagine this, this bong guy walks in to the salon and tells the barber Mera "Ball" Kaato. In normal hindi, it is pronounced as "Baal". But, bongs are just bongs. Just the idea of cutting one's "Ball" is just grotesque. So for their own betterment, bong guys should be genetically bald. And if they still dont listen, bong ladies, you can go to them and say "The ball is now in madrasis court" ;)... and then see how they react...

RT2: Madrasi men should not greet other women in tamil. One reason why madrasis sound very horny is that they always greet each other saying "Vannakkum". But the normal non-madrasis (this doesnt mean madrasis are abnormal) comprehend it as "wanna come" and ladies especially feel offended. Hence madrasis should stop greeting in madrasi language. And this would also reduce the number of gays in tamil nadu, which is because of the men who dont feel offended by "Vannakkum" and accept the inviation ;) (i am not gay... so all gay comments will be deleted)

RT3: Bird should blog... (i am sick and tired of reading his comments... now he needs to post)... and bird is "THE LAST HOPE OF HUMANITY (WITH NEW SHOES)"

RT4: Pals should return to posting comments... his comments are better than bird's comments ;)

RT5: Indians staying abroad... my sincere request to you... please dont think about the backward states of India, atleast when you are drunk or when you are discussing it with people staying here or when you are drunk and discussing with people here... you have a great life abroad and make the country proud... make your parents and your family proud... make your friends proud... but PUHHHLEEES dont discuss backward states in India and the ways to develop them and what the government and people are doing / not doing to get it right... it doesn't gel with your situations... (This incident happened yesterday at Barista which had me and bird being an audience to such a situation)

RT6: The upcoming movie called "Apaharan" (starring ajay devgan and nana patekar) is supposed to be based on a real-life story with the backdrop of Bihar. If the backdrop of the movie would have been Tamil Nadu or Kerala would it be called "Appa Haran"?...

RT7: I guess apoo has enough wierd pictures with him that he can go without writing a single post for the rest of his life and yet make people laff their arses off. apoo, is that true?

RT8: Idea, please let me know how you come up with posts for all your five blogs. I cant come up with one post for one blog :(

RT9: Till yesterday, I thought my name was "Shut up"... sadly it isn't...

I want all of you to pray that i come across something to write about or else you are going to get it... you all will have to read this piece of crap called random thoughts over and over and over and over again... okay those were four maiden 'overs'... okay enough pakaoing... will think hard this weekend and come up with something...


Monday, November 28, 2005

gmail conversations...

Google Mail, popularly known has gmail has completely changed the way people look at emails. Emails were initially considered to be different islands of one-to-one conversations with additional spices of “Re” and “Fwd” being used quite often. But then nothing could beat instant messengers. Google Inc, decided to get a lil bit further than any other company could have possibly thought and introduced GMAIL which was a mix & mash of the traditional email and the then new instant messengers and believe me that combination rocks…

And one of the reasons that, this email-mixed-with-instant-messenger combination rocks is because of the next set of conversation just underlines that fact. The idea to blog about this wholely and solely belongs to paro. (this also underlines the fact that I have a lot of free time at work and I have an empty mind that does not come up with ideas for blog posting… but does that matter… lets proceed). Please do not make sense out of this.

Disclaimer: Iyer Education does not take any responsibility for the health problems that could happen to you in case you manage to read the whole post. So please… let me reiterate… please read this at your own risk

Situation: Paras(P) sends pics of wonderful painting on trailer trucks… and here’s what follows… the fellow members in crime are Abhijit (R), Alap(A) and Iyer (I)… the action begins from the second mail…

R: brillianto ........... :)

I: "brillianto"... this could be subroto roy's third son name (if he had one)... the first two are called sumonto and srimonto... just feelin bored... so paka raha hoon :P

A: Arun, Its Sushanto and Seemanto.And yes, the third can be Brillianto.

I: TOMATO TOMANTO... same thing ;)

P: how do u know alap ... tu yeh dono ka naming ceremony mein gaya tha kya?


A: No one can forget wierdo names like those, bro. :)

I: ya right... i plan to name my bengali kids POTANTO & TOMANTO... and dont forget my indonesian kids too... they would be called EEKEEMAATRA AND OOKEEMAATRA

P: have u ever planned to produce tamil kids?

R: tamil kids? like kanada kids?

I: i thought of it.... but the names were too long... hence plan cancelled... do you want to know the names as well... SUBRAMANIAM VARADARAJAN KRISHNAMOORTHY IYER & DORAISWAMI CHELLAPPAN SANTHANARAMAN IYER

A: How about Bong Kids .... Laltu Iyer and Poltu Iyer... Gujju kids .... Jignes Iyer and Kalpes Iyer

I: sorry... bong kids are going to be named TOMANTO AND POTANTO

R: the ads on the side are hilarious

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Are You Normal?
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A: Laugh master

Pune Newsline - 12 hours ago

Khichdi, Sarabhai vs Sarabhai and now Kudkudiya House No. 43: he's ...

more related pages »

I: good

P: iyer tere bachhe ka naam ... shenshah and badshah rakh

I: TOMANTO and POTANTO (if wife is bengali)

OOKEEMAATRA and EEKEEMAATRA (if wife is indonesian)

BIJJO and LIJJO (if wife is mallu)

KAMLES and JIGNES (if wife is gujju)

assuming that i am the husband in all the cases... aur meri biwi pe buri nazar waale tera mooh kaala ;)... (mera mooh kya aise hi kaala nahi hua)

P: what is ur wife is JAVA

R: ?

I: i will call my kids SWING and BEANS

I: he meant "what IF your wife was JAVA (language)"

P: this entire email convo sud go live on iyer's blog .. unedited

R: i meant ? still mean that ...

I: meant... still mean... and will mean that

P: hum clor - ment (meant) q khate hai?

A: When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

I: neither can be done over emails... better suggestion please

P: iyer u have to put this convo on ur blog today

I: cmon yaar... u aint serious... are you?

A: This isn't still ripe enough to go on a blog. It still has its pakau moments. Iyer needs to spice up his blog, no make it more pakau.

R: Do da right thing .. Bee a man

P: jo bhi hai .. i guess its got the potential to go live

P: or else somebody gonna get hurt real bad ... SOMEBODY!


I: to post or not to post, thats the question... iyer is pakau, so no need to spice up... and everything has the potential to go live, what it lacks is funds


P: This msg was brought to u by "! Xobile"

I: from truck to kids to russel peters... DONT WE GUYS JUST ROCK

P: yeh we rock .. let me make sure m not dreaming ... gota " tapsomebum"


R: It's Tap Som Bong Bew... you cud Tap the Bong sitting next to you ..

P: yes this is for real .. got reply to my mail

R: Congratulations you have crossed 1GB of space... You are currently using 1030 MB (39%) of your 2668 MB.

A: Close on Abhi's heels is ...... ME... You are currently using 972 MB (36%) of your 2668 MB.

P: good .... now dance

A: Someone please get us this video...

P: u r allowed to dance only after ur gmail crosses 1 gb

A: Mar Bh*sd*n*,...


I sincerely dont know where the topic began and where it ended and if they had anything to do with each other. And I dont expect you (yes you the one, who is reading this) to try and reach any conclusion. And don’t even try not listening to me or you would suffer from severe brain hemorrhagic attacks… so this time listen to me once… and DON’T draw a conclusion.


PS1: thanks paro... tune kuch idea diya mereko blog karne ke liye

PS2: Bird, you may, in all probabilities have read this earlier on gmail :P

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


The title aptly and fantastically describes the state of my mind right now. It actually started a couple of days ago and I am sure it would extend to another couple of days. But the bottom line is that I am confused.

At this stage, I can remember one thing. One thing that ideasmith had posted about confusion. If you still haven’t followed the link, let me put the gist of the post to you (Actually the post would be shorter than the gist itself). So here I ‘Ctrl+C’ and ‘Ctrl+V’ ideasmith’s post, with due reference provided to the source.

Confusion is not when something does not make sense;
It is when something does and is contradicted by something else that makes sense too.

Beautiful… isn’t it?

Neways, confusion also reminds me of apoo’s signature (with his due permission, which I suppose is granted) on his emails which goes

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both

This again seems to make some sense

But now I am confused between what to do and what not to do. The confusion is between my values & beliefs and my progress in my career. It’s difficult making a choice.

My values & beliefs tell me to stick to the existing company and get the job done, because a job half done is a job that is not done at all. “Stick to your commitments” is what the voices from inside tell me.

The other part of me tells me, “This is a great offer, you may or may not get such an opportunity in the future, take it when you get it. This would do a world of good to your career. Take it and move ahead”

And the best part is, I don’t have a lifetime to make a choice (I wish I had). I have to decide in another 2 days and let my decision known.

Now comes the best part. Yes there is something good in this confusion as well. As they say “some people like to thrive on chaos”. I am thriving on it right now. Chaos is what is going on in my mind and I am enjoying the confusion too. I am constantly in the process of evaluating my alternatives. Keeps my mind running all the time. I guess it needed that kind of running coz it’s rusted for sometime now.

But whatever is the final decision, I am ready to stick to it and not repent a bit about the same. And that’s what keeps me happy (not the restorent). And I am ready to suffer the consequence (good or bad) that goes along with it. And that’s a relief to me… A HUGE RELIEF


Monday, November 14, 2005

Abhi's Back

No No No No... do not misread this... Abhi's Back is not same as Abhi's rear end... I would prefer Udita Goswami's back to Abhi's back (if you too are interested in Udita Goswami's back, do let me know, we can discuss this at length)... but then this back is different from the other back... this back is same as return

This back means that abhi is back in mumbai... so you would naturally ask me whats so great about that? the answer to that would be... the way abhi was received at the airport was one of the most hilarious ways one could ever think of... the culprits for this plan would be alap, paro and mannu. this is what they held as a placard for abhi...

Photographs courtesy paras mehta...

I personally wasnt present there, but this thing cracked me up big time. I really want to know the responses of people at the airport, when they must have read this. can anybody do this for me? what else could have been better than "fish termite fry" for abhi. that too from the great "happy restorent", which is in talks with JP Morgan to buy out "Burj Al Arab".

Whosoever came up with this gag, you are great boss... and i am sure, this would have been one return abhi will never forget in his life :) ekdam dhammal...

I have come to know from secret sources that abhi has done shopping worth 1,000 gb. now that must be some shopping or what... neways... more importantly, it has also been brought to the notice that a precious bottle of 'Black Label' has been broken on clearance... this has brought unwanted sadness to people's hearts and faces... but unconfirmed sources claim that there may be insurance refunds against the same...

Abhi is on a gaali giving binge... I dont know if its only me or if the others too get a lot of gaalis... but i know one thing for sure, he mustnt have had enough opportunities out there in the US to blurt out hindi gaalis one after the other (except ofcourse when he met pals... i am sure pals must have had a good time hearing gaalis)... so it will take some time until he clears all the galis thats been clogged for around 3 months... till then i will be deaf...

I am planning for "The Last Tullee" with abhi and gang... i am planning to quit darooooo... its still in the planning stages... implement ho gaya to bata doonga :)


Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Ten-headed Mortals!!!

Okay, okay let me first start with the credits. It is pretty strange but the credit for this post should go to Bird. I was talking to him over phone; actually I am still doing it as I am typing this. We were talking about how overburdened with work we (actually him) are… and that’s when I told him to meditate upon Ravana and ask for 9 additional heads (needless to say 18 additional hands… now don’t go into other body parts and start talking about 9 additional di#$% and 18 test@#$%s… this is supposed to be a family blog and is rated as ‘U’ and not ‘A’ or ‘X’ by the blog censor board).

It was about this time when I could clearly see a bulb lighting over my head (actually it was the tube light over the next table) clearly depicting an idea for the next post and I thanked Bird for the idea that dawned upon me (some lame formalities of giving credits you see) and proceeded to write this. This place onwards, whatever is written on this post; the credit SHOULD NOT go to Bird.

So, the point of this post would be… “What would certain (blogger) mortals do, if they had 10 heads?” So where do I start? Which mortal do I pick first? Hmmm… *think think think*… Why not the source of the idea itself… To chalo, “Shree Birdesh” karte hain ;)


· A pack of Wills will get emptied within the time in which one Wills is burnt. It’s a very simple equation. And here it goes

Ten heads = Ten Mouth = One Wills Per Mouth = Packet Over in one go

· Bird can read ‘6 Harry Potters’, ‘3 LOTR’s’ and ‘1 Dalai Lama’ book all at the same time and keep complaining “Mereko koi Harry Potter ke baare mein samjhaayega kya?” (translated: can somebody explain me anything about the Harry Potter books)

· Bird can at least have 10 pegs at the same time thus saving us some precious time which we spend waste on looking at bird pecking at his drink after we have already finished our quota of drinks.


· Assuming that the other 9 heads have proper eyesight, abhi can finally see the world in all its true colors. What better way of restoring eyesight of abhi, where people are trying to get funds and all…

· I guess I will get company. There will be at max 9 other people (remember: 18 additional hands) who will get slapped simultaneously along with me. So, it won’t be always me, who bears abhi’s brunt.

· And how can I forget this part. We (normal human beings) can be asked for 9 additional definitions or will be provided with 9 additional definitions and get confusedest. So grab your encyclopedias / dictionaries / whatevers before abhi has those 9 additional heads.


· By simple mathematics, I can derive that apoo can propose forty women all at the same time. With one head he managed four and had no response (actually there was one, but with a lot of “shoe strings” attached, so I will count it as none), so it isn’t rocket science. The chances of getting a response from at least one also increases with the 9 additional heads.

· 9 additional heads means 9 additional types of kebabs. We could expect to see weirder forms of kebabs like pigeon kebabs, crow kebabs, cockatoo kebabs, parakeet kebabs … finally getting to Bird Kebabs… (oh how he’d love to make em and serve em)


· A total of 10 heads will mean 5 new blogs (in addition to the existing 5) and each head is assigned one blog. The 5 new blogs will be called
behindofficewhat goes on with women after office hours
xxsmithyideasmith, the lady
alternatecapersalternate escapades of ideasmith
cobwebsideaideas that are stuck up in cobwebs and cant make it
ideafactorfactors that ideasmith likes (including salmon kebabs)

· She would have to write 10 different posts if she had to quit blogging. So the idea of writing those 10 posts to quit blogging would in itself fear her and she would continue blogging.


· The speed at which the profile pic is changed will increase 10 fold. Obviously because we have 9 new heads, which means more and more photos of each individual head. Right now with 1 head, it’s around 2 days. With 9 additional heads, this timeframe will be reduced to 5 hrs approx.

· 9 additional heads = more storage space. Abhi you’d asked for it, winny will have it; more memory is what I am talking about. She can store innumerable details about t-top, bird’ s piping story, apoo’s dog chase, oh not to forget baandgu’s budday (I do remember that… its somewhere in October right?)

· 9 additional heads = 9 additional poetries. And bird will be the happiest. He expects one poetry a day. So with this, winny can complete her weekly quota in one sitting and still have 3 additional heads to take care of comments in at least 3 torturerzzz simultaneously.


· 10 heads for alap means all things (including “bombil fry” and “chicken manchow soup”) “one by two” will be rephrased as “10 by 20”.

· Pandus / Tholas (read cops) will have to face the MOST stressful situation of their lives when they catch hold of alap jumping a signal and they will have to face 10 heads talking to them at the same time and that too in ENGLISH… cases of suicides by cops will increase exponentially.

Yours Truly

· You will have Sanjeev Kumar, SPB, Kumar Sanu, Nitin Mukesh, Om Prakash, Ashok Kumar, Jagdeep, Amitabh Bachhan, Shatrughan Sinha and Dharmendra all of them talking to you at the same time. This can get harmful to your health so you better be insured when you are near yours truly with 10 heads

· One person (preferably bird/abhi/paras/alap/manu) should be carrying a bucket (better idea, sintex tank) along with yours truly. With the amount tears that will be generated with wimps and cries from those 10 heads you surely need something to hold them.

I don’t know what prompted me to write this… now I remember… its BIRD… so if you have anything against this post, please direct all your criticisms to bird. I can handle the favourable views…